Lending money to MIL

[NotSoThinLizzy]

So MIL is going to get evicted for rent arrears unless she comes up with some money. She asked us if she could borrow a fairly large amount from me and OH, well large to us. OH wants to put it on the credit card it's a 0% card. MIL promises to pay it back by July at the latest. I don't really want to as she isn't good at paying money back she does pay it back eventually but quite late. We could just about afford to pay the card off even if MIL dosent give us any money. I understand the situation and I want to help but I don't want to be in position where we can't afford nice things. We have a holiday planned in July. I'm 6 weeks pregnant too. And we have 2 DC.
MIL got in position by pissing her money away on crap, video games and takeaways and buying people online "presants" but thats a whole different story.

No, I think this is the time you put your foot down. She needs to get help and it shouldn't always be from you?

If she has lots of debts hidden she really needs to sort it, file bankruptcy? Speak to CAB/housing/shelter etc. I don't really know. But she shouldn't be a burden on you with a young family to care for!

What's the other option though? If she's evicted where will she go? Will you have to find the money to get her a rental deposit on a new place?

Not a chance. Your Dh has been in care because of abuse? I wouldn't tolerate her at all, let alone give her money. Do not let her move in either or you'll never get her out again. Unless you can afford to give her money that you will never see again, just say no.

I’m sorry but I’d not lend the money. Sounds like she’s shit with money and it’s unlikely, after a few initial payments you’d see that money again. If you’ve put it on a credit card, once they 0% finishes you’ll end up in a world of pain.

Also if you have to use a credit card to give her the money, you don’t actually have the money to give her.

Credit cards are just that, credit, you don’t own the money you’re lending it. She wants you to go in to debt so she can alleviate her issues for the time being,

I think your Mil needs help to manage her finances; buying online friends gifts? That's very odd.
Bailing her out isn't teaching her anything, have you both sat down and tried to talk this out with her?

Were will she live if she gets evicted?

What sort of Mother was she?

You'd have to be very ruthless to see your Mother homeless. So will she be kipping on your couch?

It doesn't matter what MN thinks, which very much has a 'fuck family' attitude. It's your DH's opinion on how he sees the best way of supporting his Mother out of a crisis.

You can’t afford to do this. If you need to borrow to help her, you can’t. If she’d been in dire straits because of redundancy, or a sudden unexpected bill, then maybe. But she will continue to behave as she is while someone else is bailing her out. You’ll never get that money back.

Well I was going to say that you can’t see her homeless until I read the updates and her history. She is not going to change and is still guilty tripping your DH despite putting him into care as a youngster.

I would ask to see the paperwork as maybe you could negotiate a payment plan for her to pay with the landlord/HA. I wouldn’t trust her to be truthful. Ask for proof

There is an old saying OP about lending money...don't know what it says exactly but it goes along the lines of never lend what you can't afford to loose.....if you lend her the money you need to work out a plan on how you can live without that money should she fail to pay it back.Credit cards are not the way to go on this one..you could end up on your arse with huge charges at the end if she is slack about paying you....I would advise she goes to a credit union and borrows the money from them at a low interest rate...that way she has to be responsible where as with you she might take advantage....Keep you and your family protected...she should know better and bailing her out won't make her responsible.Its not your problem its hers.

I would just encourage your DH to tell her that your own financial circumstances are tight and that you can't lend her the money. Your own family must be your priority. No way should you let her move in with you either. Tough love from your DH might be the wake-up call she needs. Very difficult though - I sympathise with you both that you're also being subjected to her emotional blackmail. Is there nothing she could sell to make inroads into her debts?

As a PP said tell her to make an appointment with CAB and arrange bankruptcy for her debts. They are not your or your DPs problem.

Ok your last posts - fuck her.

DO NOT have her in your house with you pregnant/ with a baby.

Take her to Shelter, and to the docs, hand her over to them.

Tell her you'll help with practical stuff but if she starts hounding you for cash you will fall out with her.

And - speak to your OH and if you can, agree with him that you're going to handle this, because you can't be guilt tripped.

Guilt tripped! Omfg, though - I suggest that the next time she starts down that road you shut her RIGHT down with 'MIL, can I just say - you're lucky OH and I even let you anywhere near us after what you did to him as a child and what he went through because of you. How DARE you try and make us feel as if we owe you. We don't owe you shit, in fact we'd be justified in cutting you out of our lives completely. You're lucky we even talk to you. Don't push your luck.'

T

X post.

It's a tough one of she's going to be living with you, as the new baby is about to arrive.

It's sounds as though it's come to a 'make or break' situation.

Things can't go on as they have.

Your DH needs help to break free.

Don't do this. Point her in the direction of the professionals and get DH a copy of Toxic inIaws. I agree that bailing her out won't make a scrap of difference.

Just to add if she has to find somewhere else to live, nowhere will accept her without a guarantor. Which I presume she will ask you? That would be a bigger mess surely. I can't see a way where you don't have to fork out one way or another

She’s STILL abusing your husband, OP. She’s just doing it in a manipulative, less physical way.

I know it is really hard to not help family out, but never ever lend money to a family member with a bad credit record. I learned from bitter experience when I transferred a CC debt to my name, then they built it up all over again. Once the debt is in your name, it is your debt not theirs. If they build up debt again, then they are showing you that they don't have any respect for you or your help.

and if you keep bailing somebody out of debt, they never learn the lesson. They need to reach rock bottom , to deal with it. There are agencies out there such as Stepchange that could help her.

I really think you have to say that you don't have any money and you are unable to help her.

She has put herself in this situation and you won't help her in the long run by paying it all off. She needs to learn to control her spending.

There comes a point when you have to say no.. keep bailing her out and she will not take full responsibility for her actions and will keep going around in the same circles knowing they it won't matter because you will pick up the pieces.

Support her by telling her you are willing to help her sort through her finances and talk to professionals (CAB, Stepchange etc) but that you cannot afford to bail her out this time.

Agree totally with PP who said... if you have to use a credit card then you don't have the money to lend.

She wont end up on the streets she can register with the council and they will place her.

If there isn't any consequences for what she's doing then she'll keep on doing it

I wouldn't do this. Also, check the t&cs of your 0% card - cash advances are often treated separately from purchases, incurring interest and impacting badly on your credit rating.

It is a good rule in life never to act as a guarantor for anyone. Many are not aware of the implications. There are some strange laws regarding bankruptcy, debt, insolvency and money in general.

This is a council house she being evicted from so they won't place her into a new one for her rack up more debt again so she'll be homeless. Oh is desperate to keep her in his life as he missed so much growing up. I've said to him you can't pay to keep her in your life. She's on about moving down to Glasgow to mooch of her sister who as DC of her own which have learning difficulties

Having read your opening post @NotSoThinLizzy, I would think that you have to step in to protect your OH here. If they have been guilt-tripping your OH so much so that your OH ended up in care as a result, you would be doing them both a favour.

Your MiL needs to stand on her own two feet here and perhaps some very tough love is what is needed. Your OH needs to know that you're doing this for the best interest of the pair of you (you and your OH not your OH and their mother).

Suggest to your MiL that she approaches a financial restructuring business (not the likes of Amigo loans as they have a punitive interest rate) and see if there is any way that her bills could be sorted out, without resorting to borrowing from you.

Best of luck with this.

Also, check the t&cs of your 0% card - cash advances are often treated separately from purchases, incurring interest and impacting badly on your credit rating.

When you purchase something with a cc the merchant pays fees, which subsidize the 0% interest. With a cash advance there's no merchant in the picture. I doubt very much that you'll be able to get 0% interest on a cash advance.

If there's a history of abuse just no. Tell her to ring social services once she gets turned out or find someone's couch to sleep on.