Lending money to MIL

[NotSoThinLizzy]

So MIL is going to get evicted for rent arrears unless she comes up with some money. She asked us if she could borrow a fairly large amount from me and OH, well large to us. OH wants to put it on the credit card it's a 0% card. MIL promises to pay it back by July at the latest. I don't really want to as she isn't good at paying money back she does pay it back eventually but quite late. We could just about afford to pay the card off even if MIL dosent give us any money. I understand the situation and I want to help but I don't want to be in position where we can't afford nice things. We have a holiday planned in July. I'm 6 weeks pregnant too. And we have 2 DC.
MIL got in position by pissing her money away on crap, video games and takeaways and buying people online "presants" but thats a whole different story.

OP - spend the cash on counselling for your OH.

He's not going to ever get what he needed as a child from her.

She's no mother.

He needs to make his peace with that and get rid - for the sake of his OWN family.

Could you go to the council and try get somethign sorted??

Don't do it!
If she had a chronic drug habit would lending her money to stop her getting evicted help her in the long run? No, because people won't change unless they choose to, usually because they've hit rock bottom.
Her reckless spending and racking up endless debts is really an addiction by any other name.

That is so sad that your husband is desperate to keep such an abusive mother in his life. Has he ever had counselling to work through some of this?

It seems like he can't see the wood for the trees and you and your children are getting dragged into it.

MIL is still abusing OH

He missed out on her for good fucking reason by the sounds of it and thank fuck he was removed

Aside from being abusive, she is a grown ass woman with a lot of history of being evicted not paying bills etc

I’d tell her to fuck off based on just that, but add in the abuse and she can fuck right off

I feel so bad for OH this is the only family member he speaks to has no one else apart from me and the kids. He sees me with my mum and vast family and I think it hurts him that he's never had that

If you'd have to put the money on a credit card then you don't have the money to give, simple as that. You'll be putting yourself in debt to relieve her of her own debt, which is such a bad idea. It is not your OH's place to pay his DMs rent, food bills or anything else. She is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her own life.

Your OH needs support, possible counselling, to deal with his own feelings of abandonment in his childhood. It's toxic that she's guilting him into lending money. He should be prioritising you and the DCs, not putting himself in debt to help his DM, who may not even give the money back. Ask your OH to look at 'worst case scenarios' eg DM doesn't pay back, financial emergency, loss of job, and get him to think how you'd cope as a family if you had his DMs debt to pay as well.

If there's no way you can talk your OH out of this scheme, then get something in writing from your MIL that covers when she will pay back the money and how much she will pay each month. If you have nothing in writing then she can just claim that it was a gift and not a loan.

Any way she could get a live in job?

You are in a very hard position OP, it’s easy for people on a screen just to say ‘don’t do it’ or ‘go NC’ but it’s your DH’s mother and understandably he doesn’t want to see her homeless. If she works in the hospitality industry could you encourage her to look for a ‘live in’ job so that she would be provided with accommodation?

I know how tough it is, we’ve lent money to relatives to avoid them being homeless, it was never repaid, (even though they could clearly afford to repay it, spending money on ludicrous luxuries like a pedigree dog ) we could ‘afford’ to lose the money but it’s not a nice feeling to be taken advantage of financially.

Another no from me. You'll never see that money, and even if you bail her out, she'll fuck things up again.

She needs to take responsibility, get specialist debt advice and throw every penny she has on clearing those arrears. You'd be better off supporting her to do that than bailing her out.

She needs to change, and just lending her the money to get her out of a hole won't help her do that.

Difficult one. Obviously the sensible answer is to say no, but that is likely to mean she is evicted from secure, affordable housing, which is like gold dust these days. She could end up sofa surfing, in a hostel or even homeless.

If she works in the hospitality/tourism industry, is there any chance she could get employment that comes with live in accomodation? But that wouldn't solve her problem if she doesn't get work off season?

I might consider the 0% credit card solution if she undertook to seek counselling for her spending issues, and accepted help with money management, eg the Christians Against Poverty budgeting advice and organisation of her finances so that essential and discretionary expenditure is separated and she does not touch the account that rent and bills are paid out of, only the money that can be spent.

It might also be worth looking at whether she is getting all the benefits she is entitled to and whether she can work all year round, eg retail work in the winter?

You've already dug her out of a few holes already only for her to fall right back in again. This is of her own making and enabling her as you have done only gave you both a false sense of control. Do not bail her out now, she has to face the consequences here of her own poor choices. Enabling her will not do that and she will not change, infact she has not changed to date.

Yes plan to get everything in writing so can't say if was a gift ect... OH is attending a meeting with MIL and council to discuss this debt meeting is at 11 and she's not even out of bed shows how much she is even bothered about this. On the plus side it's made OH reconsider lending her any money as she clearly just wants bailed out.

Down to you, she knew her responsibilities and chose frittering money instead of paying the rent and expects you two to go into debt for her. Sounds a disaster, tell her to go to CAB for advice, make her do the running around.

Difficult isnt it - no parent would see a child on the street, and ditto, no child wants to see a parent homeless. It's cold society we live in for sure.

In light of your updates I'm also a no, she is recklessly spending and doesn't prioritise rent because she knows she can guilt her son into paying her debts. She had the means to pay her rent but spent it on rubbish, a definite no.
Your OH sounds a lovely person but as hard is it may be he does need to take a step back, she was an abusive parent who seems to never have taken responsibility for anything in life. He needs to put his own family first and build his confidence up, I'm NC with my mother and it's a relief.

I tell you what I would do in your position.

I'd only lend if she attended (and I knew she had) counselling re her bad spending habits).

OR, and you say you can't afford this but it could be a one off, a gift or part gift and loan of the money AND counselling again re her bad spending habits.

Or else she'll do this again, groundhog day, rack up the debts but the core of the problem won't be fixed.

Also encourage her to look for a live in job if in hospitality.

It’s not going to make a jot of difference if she signs anything, OP. Is your DH going to take her to court if she doesn’t pay? I doubt it. Plus she has already signed agreements to pay her rent and hasn’t done that, so why do you th8nk she’d pay more heed to a son that she’s abused during childhood and continues to manipulate now?

Your husband has to decide if his family’s financial security or his mother’s reckless finances are more important. You’re getting into debt with a woman that will always put herself first, without taking into consideration that ANYTHING could happen to one of you, leaving the other under severe financial stress. What happens then?

What a horrible shit she is.

Please don't give her money. You might as well rip it up and flush it down the loo, much good it will do her.

Your OH DOES have a family - his wife, his kids, his lovely inlaws! Tell him - we're your family now. That mum and dad of mine are your childrens' grandparents! You have a family.

Poor bloke.

Such a tough one for you op. It is the other way around for me as its my dd1 who cannot manage money and is always in an absolute mess. It is because she puts luxuries before basics and she cannot change. She has lost her children and they live with us.

She will ring me sounding really down and I do feel sorry for her. An example would be weekend when she couldnt afford to go out for a meal and I nearly gave in and paid. She went out drinking anyway - I didn't give her the money. She then had a takeaway on Sunday when she told me she was down to her last tenner. I also think she wants me to pay £200 towards a holiday but I just can't. It makes me feel bad about myself but I do sympathise how hard it is to say no.

Don't let her OH give her the money or put it in a credit card. It means you and your children will be in debt because of this and you simply don't know what the future holds do you? You could become ill or lose your jobs. You might have an emergency bill then what will happen.

Maybe it may be time for her to spend time with another family member and see how this goes. This shows she will not be homeless doesn't it?

@ElsieMc
This must be very difficult for you, your daughter would rather spend than be with her kids. Spending is another addiction they live for the high of spending/buying.

Best help to give her is support with debt management/counselling, step change are good. Her landlord may be negotiated with. Over 55 council or ha assn sheltered accomodation may be cheaper/suitable?
Be strong it's not helping to bail her out. Oh could have power of attorney but it would be nightmare.

she's not over 50 me and OH are 25 and 26. She won't take a different job I lined up a 40 hour week retail job and she turned her nose up at it. It would've paid alot more than her current one

Persuading your OH that you'd both be throwing good money after bad is going to be an uphill struggle given past history. In your place I wouldn't even talk to this woman, never mind getting into discussions about lending money you don't have. Your poor OH needs help to realise that in this particular relationship he is the child and not the parent. I do feel terribly sorry for him in his predicament but until he understands that she's a crap parent and a shitty person all round this will be your lives going forward

Fizzy for pm. Always sensible advice. Don't do it op, you know you are right

@missingstreetlife
Sheltered accommodation is very expensive and difficult to get; you do need to actually need it. I volunteer with the elderly and the cost in my area; which isn't a particularly expensive area; is that a one bed sheltered flat is similar cost to a 3 b d semi in rent.