Lending money to MIL

[NotSoThinLizzy]

So MIL is going to get evicted for rent arrears unless she comes up with some money. She asked us if she could borrow a fairly large amount from me and OH, well large to us. OH wants to put it on the credit card it's a 0% card. MIL promises to pay it back by July at the latest. I don't really want to as she isn't good at paying money back she does pay it back eventually but quite late. We could just about afford to pay the card off even if MIL dosent give us any money. I understand the situation and I want to help but I don't want to be in position where we can't afford nice things. We have a holiday planned in July. I'm 6 weeks pregnant too. And we have 2 DC.
MIL got in position by pissing her money away on crap, video games and takeaways and buying people online "presants" but thats a whole different story.

He has a sister he talks to on the odd occasion but she was a train wreck only got to speak to her when she turned 18 as she was adopted. She fell into very hard drugs. She says she's in rehab now so here's hoping. He said he didn't want a close relationship with her while she was in all the trouble as it was just her asking for money ect.

Sister lives about 800 miles away and they haven't seen each other since he was 3

What happened in the meeting to make your OH completely change his tune?

I wouldn't be pleased if my dh agreed to this, it's not up to him personally how he spends family money.
Tell him he's doing her no favours by doing this, she obviously doesn't learn.
It should be her that's helping your family, complete role reversal here, tell dh to jog on.

If I could afford it, I probably would, but I'd tell her it's positively, absolutely, the last time - and I'd mean it. Might make her sign something to say she understands that, and that it will have to be paid back.
If she's been wasting money on crap, she has to learn to cut right down on non- essentials.

If she does still have any cards, I'd make her cut them up, too. (A very high earning but crazily spendaholic person I used to know had her bank manager cut up her cards in front of her!)
All easier said than done, though, I know.

Oh probably realised it wasn't so close to the wire, and he's been taken for a ride. Sometimes your head just switches.
Good for him. Go low contact with his mum and encourage him to work on his self esteem, he really has saved the day.

I just wanted to add that no matter what goes wrong with her in the future (and something definitely will), never let her love in with you. You don't want bailiffs at your door seeking to recover her debts. You would have to provide receipts for everything in your home to prove that you owned it and not her or they could take it once they have evidence she is living with you.

Move in, that should say.

Your poor OH. Sounds like he really got dealt a shitty hand as far as family is concerned. Would he consider getting therapy to talk this through with someone? There's also a book I've seen mentioned on here a few times called 'Toxic Parents' which might help him be able to break away from his feelings of obligation to his mother. He's lucky to have you to look out for him now.

Well, that's too bad. I was hoping he'd be able to reconnect. Do you know why his father won't speak to him? Could it be because he's took his mother's 'side' against his dad? Given how she is I can understand why he may resent that.

And I do agree about his sister, she'll have to really prove herself before he lets her 'in'.

Don't really know much about the father we know his Facebook profile but OH isn't brave enough to open himself to the rejection. The way OH sees it is that his father knows he is on Facebook as they have mutual friends but hasn't contacted OH.

Have you done a credit check on her through Experian etc?

Didn't know I could?

Your partner has to understand that now he's a parent,his responsibility is to his own children.

Your MIL is making the choice to squander money on takeaways and gaming, and to sneer at better-paid jobs. Your OH doesn't have money to give her- access to credit is not the same as having the cash available. Your children are entirely dependent on you and your OH to provide for them- if he's paying MIL's rent so she can spend all her earnings on crap, then his children are the ones going without.

She is never going to be the mother he wants her to be.
He can either let her take responsibility for herself while she continues to be abusive, or he can bankrupt your family and leave his children to go hungry while his mother continues to be abusive. Happy families is never going to be on the table with this woman.

You can get her to do the credit check, I don't know if legally you can do one on someone else? You'd need to know her previous addresses etc too, and I think you get asked some questions about current debt/credit cards etc, so they know it's the account holder doing it.

Absolutely not. You'd be enabling her if you have her money. I hope DP sticks to his comment about "no more money" but I'd expect there to be some crisis or another reason that she can't work or needs money.

Has your DP had counselling for what he's been through? That must have been traumatic for him to experience

There is no "tricky" situation here, that's bullshit.

Stop enabling her to run away from her irresponsible behaviour and just laugh and say no, you can't fund her debt.

You and your DH need to put a sharp end to the expectation that you will fund her feckless behaviour or allow her to stay at yours - just say NO. you can support and love her without allowing her financial immaturity to impact your lives.

it's a really bad pattern to get into where relatives think their poor money management decisions will just be bailed out by family.

you're not saying she's in rent arrears due to unforseeable circumstances or genuinely bad luck like an accident, this is just a problem she's created due to poor self control and not being able to manage her finances.

NOTHING is going to change for her until she's bled everyone dry and is then forced to change ways. Help her most by not allowing this problem to go on.

She’d need to provide the iinformation for the credit check. I think it would speak volumes about how bad things are if she refused.

She will have, or accrue, more debts. Do not let her live with you, even "temporarily". Temporary will turn into permanent, & you will then have no way of proving to the bailiffs what is yours & what is hers. You would need to have kept receipts for every single item in the house. Are you prepared for that? If not, you absolutely need to stand firm against the inevitable requests to house her. I've seen & been in this situation with family members. It's hard but you have to be hard too.

What happened in the end NotSo? Did you manage to make sense prevail

No way would I lend anyone money when a baby is on the way. Unless I was comfortable enough that I could afford to just gift it, in which case I probably would.

When we first got married we ended up lending my pil some money to pay off some debts etc. We will be celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary this year. She has shown she is crap with money so why would this debt be any different. We ended up going low contact with my pil, they have excuse after excuse as to why they can't pay things back etc. They owe a family member money for renting out a holiday home from them and not paying in full. They owe my dh and his sister for money used to pay rent and debt etc. My dh remembers helping pay the rent with his wages from his 1st job at 15. People like that never change especially if people bail them out all the time. Best option is step away and let her sort out her own messes.

Goodness, of course you should help her! Do English people not love their families at all?!

@carpetgate

I’ve helped a family member several times as it’s clear the ops partner has helped his mother several times. Paying off rent arrears, paying deposits for a new place after being evicted over £7,000 in help. They’re not destitute however they prioritise everything else over bills. If you always bail out someone that has no interest in changing only that they want their problems solved for them you aren’t helping them you are just subsidising their bad behaviour.

I work for the local council and I know tenants whose rent is £60 per week with a £2k a month salary with over £1k in rent arrears. Some people don’t care about paying rent and bills when they can spend it on clothes, cars, eating out etc.

Really, this MIL is a genuine nightmare, isn't she? She needs to learn the consequences of her actions, or she'll never change. And it doesn't help if you carry on bailing her out every time. Just say no, and NO to living with you too! A few nights on the streets might help her see sense. Genuinely!