Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lending money to MIL

150 replies

NotSoThinLizzy · 11/03/2019 09:30

So MIL is going to get evicted for rent arrears unless she comes up with some money. She asked us if she could borrow a fairly large amount from me and OH, well large to us. OH wants to put it on the credit card it's a 0% card. MIL promises to pay it back by July at the latest. I don't really want to as she isn't good at paying money back she does pay it back eventually but quite late. We could just about afford to pay the card off even if MIL dosent give us any money. I understand the situation and I want to help but I don't want to be in position where we can't afford nice things. We have a holiday planned in July. I'm 6 weeks pregnant too. And we have 2 DC.
MIL got in position by pissing her money away on crap, video games and takeaways and buying people online "presants" but thats a whole different story.

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 11/03/2019 11:12

Been thinking about your post OP ...I figure you will be damned if you do and damned if you dont....I guess you need to work out which one you can live with the easiest.I hope your husband sees sense and doesnt rush ahead and put you in a worse situation financially down the line.You dont need this hassle sorry you got roped in by her.

Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 11/03/2019 11:19

I know my OH I'm like 80% sure he will still want to do it. Hopefully he will be able to talk with them about a one off payment which he'll pay then a payment plan which MIL will pay and pay us back too she'll be getting around £1500 a month from work and her rent is £200 a month so she'll have plenty left over if she didn't waste it

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 11/03/2019 11:22

Tell oh that before you agree to it you need his mum to draw up a budget showing what payments she can afford to make. Then if you agree draw up a payment plan and get it in writing. Tell him you are concerned with a baby on the way about how she is with money as thats how she got in this mess and you need to see she can afford it. Tell him your concerned being family she will think its acceptable to miss a payment or be late with them. If she cannot agree and put in writing signed by a witness say no. Just explain with baby coming you cannot take a risk without guarantees. Although I'm guessing at such an early stage she does not know your expecting. Congratulations and good luck.

slidepuzzle · 11/03/2019 11:30

The problem with drawing up a payment plan is when she defaults, and she will, what are the consequences? Are you going to get her arrested? If so, you might as well just say no to the “loan” and either give her the money straight out or let the law take its course without your involvement.

You are not her only option, she knows that, she’s just trying the tried and trusted method first.

dearohdearohdear9 · 11/03/2019 11:33

Even if the council has a possesion order, the mil could go into the county court and fill out some forms to have a hearing to suspend the possesion. (Its free if you are on benefits or a low income).

Judges rarely evict unless there is really is no choice.

Having just dealt with a similar situation with a different background (my youngest with mental health problems) my answer was to organise a direct debit to the council for £25 per month so something is coming off the arrears along with helping my laddie organise his benefits.

So benefits cover his current rent and I am paying just enough off the arrears to keep the council quiet, taking the pressure of the arrears off my my ds shoulders.

Would an arrangement of this type help your dh feel that he has supported his dm without enabling her chaos? Peace of mind and a mil free zone at home would be worth £350 over year to me :-)

Bluesmartiesarebest · 11/03/2019 11:37

If your MIL is playing the parental guilt card, tell your DP that he is taking money away from his children if he helps his mother. What and who are his priorities, you and the DC or his irresponsible mother? Tell him he is taking food, clothing and treats away from his family to help someone who was so useless as a parent, that he ended up in care. Please insist that he doesn’t help her this time.

Missingstreetlife · 11/03/2019 11:40

Book worm no it isn't if rented from ha or la. She might work on getting a transfer. Private rented or bought is different.
Op don't let him lend money. The court will give her chance to make payment by instalments. She could negotiate this easily, council will have to show they did everything. Cancel the credit card.

MadameDD · 11/03/2019 11:42

ElsieMc and Bookworm4

Agreed with Bookworm4 - it is an addiction - I've had it and so has a close friend of mine.

I had this self same problem but was overspending or spending on rubbish to fill a void, not necessarily in debt but had credit cards - I had savings etc but didn't use those to pay credit cards off!

I had counselling which partly helped but Alvin Hall's books also helped a lot - you really need to be in the right mindset to change or you never will. Also, it's hard to admit to this kind of problem than e.g. drugs or alcohol as most people say 'stop spending!'

Uptheshard · 11/03/2019 11:43

No way. In a few years when your in debt because of her, will you children miss out on holidays / extra clubs and sports because you were too weak to say no.

Margot33 · 11/03/2019 11:44

I wouldnt get into debt by lending money to anyone I dont trust to pay it back. I think you should explain that you cant do it. If she becomes homeless then obviously shes going to need help e.g. somewhere to sleep and eat until she gets back on her feet. I would help my mother with that but not lend money I don't have.

Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 11/03/2019 11:48

So they have stopped the eviction for a month so she will have her paycheck to pay this month's rent but still taking her to court for the outstanding arrears. Plus that will put her another month behind

OP posts:
Nickpan · 11/03/2019 11:49

If she can pay you back by July, can't she get an option to pay back her arrears to the landlord by July?

This is a dreadful situation, I really feel for you. She needs telling, which is difficult as she's family

Spiritinabody · 11/03/2019 11:51

As she has a past record of being irresponsible with money then no, I wouldn't help her out. She needs to develop a good relationship with money sometime and the best time is now.

Suggest she goes to Citizens' Advice Bureau or National Debt Helpline to get her debts sorted out and manageable.

Whatever happens don't let her come and live with you and leech off you.

Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 11/03/2019 11:52

Oh god she's throwing a huff now that it's not all gone away and OH told her she can't come round tonight as he's too annoyed at her so she's guliting him with that now

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSoThinLizzy · 11/03/2019 11:54

And also she won't get fed if she dosent come up so it's prop more to do with that

OP posts:
NWQM · 11/03/2019 11:54

Have they offered any debt advice? Your OH sounds very much like he is supporting her by being with her. He can support her by getting into debt counselling too.

It really isn't a solution to move around the debt - which by paying off is really what you would be doing. She needs a reasonable repayment plan. She will no doubt think she can skip payments to you.

mummymeister · 11/03/2019 11:55

This is never ever ever going to stop or be resolved OP. Never. she is abusing your OH only this time its financial.

She does this because she can - because you enable her to and you just have to stop. Why should she worry about debt when she knows that all she has to do is show up at yours, guilt trip you and you will bail her out time after time after time. she isn't old ffs and needs to sort her own stuff out.

its time for the tough love bit unfortunately where you have to say to her very clearly " no more money from us and not moving in either"

I guarantee you that how ever much debt you think she has you can double or treble that figure. You, your OH and your children are subsidising her life choices and you have to say no and you have to do it now. you have to get OH onside and let him know that you mean it and no amount of pleading poverty from her is going to work.

some people just take, take, take and she is one of them. so stop her now. write down all the money you have lent her in the past and all the things you have tried to help with including her moving in. I bet its a long list. show this to your OH and tell him that this is why you are calling time on this. show her as well and be really firm about it. you have another 40 years at least of all of this shit from her unless you put a stop to it now.

Missingstreetlife · 11/03/2019 11:57

Result! Good, well done to op and oh for supporting without lending. Now she just has to pay her rent and chip away at arrears. Do not give her any money. Working through this will help her.

coconutpie · 11/03/2019 11:57

No way, you are throwing money at her and she will never pay it back. Also, you cannot just get money out on a credit card and pay 0% interest - it's only purchases that get 0% interest, not cash withdrawals. You will have three children to feed, house and clothe and look after. You simply cannot afford to bail her out again. I would refuse. Your MIL is perfectly capable of seeking employment and sorting out her financial difficulties, it is not your problem.

coconutpie · 11/03/2019 11:58

And no way should you allow her stay with you either. She should not be anywhere near your DC.

PiebaldHamster · 11/03/2019 12:04

He'll never see that money again.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/03/2019 12:05

So they have stopped the eviction for a month so she will have her paycheck to pay this month's rent but still taking her to court for the outstanding arrears. Plus that will put her another month behind

Why will she be "another month behind" if she pays this months rent? And why can't she pay the arrears gradually, using the large amount she'll have left from her wages after paying that rent?

Unless of course she has no intention of paying any of it ... in which case how will it help the situation to lend her yet more money?

PiebaldHamster · 11/03/2019 12:05

REALLY hope he's learned to stop bailing her out. His kids need to come first.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 11/03/2019 12:06

Don't do it.

The fact she hasn't paid rent shows she isn't good at managing her finances so would probably not pay it back.

IdaDown · 11/03/2019 12:11

Do you want to live a life of subsidising her? Worried about your debts/bills/deposit saving/white goods breaking?

Always feeling resentful about the holiday you can’t afford, school trips, other nice extras for the kids (tutor help/music/hobby lessons)...

If your OH does, that’s his choice. You also have a choice.

A serious conversation with your OH...

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.