Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and I applying for same job

301 replies

MangoBananaSleep · 11/03/2019 07:07

I work with my DP. We have been together for about five years.

I have always made it clear that I would love to progress in our organisation. He has always maintained that he has had management experience and didn’t enjoy it.

There will be an opportunity in our company soon to apply for a manerial role. It is the perfect job for me and one (without sounding big headed, I think I could do well).

I was talking about it with DP and he firstly said that he would apply but if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me. Then, when he found out the pay increase, he said he was definitely going to apply.

The thing is, I don’t have the direct management experience that he gained ten years ago. So, in all likelihood he will get the job ahead of me.

I can’t help feeling upset that, despite appearing to suppprt me when the job was theoretical and maintaining that it didn’t interest him, he is now willing to compete with me for it. I suppose this is one of the downsides of dating in the workplace.

Am I being over dramatic? I don’t think I would be so upset if he’d maintained all along that this was something he was interested in.

OP posts:
mikulkin · 13/03/2019 09:51

is that allowed at your workplace to have your DP reporting to you? You better check this out. In many places they will insist that DPs cannot report to each other - in my workplace in such a situation if one of you gets the job the other has to move to another team. And if you don’t report your relationship this is very serious offence (at least where I work)
So this potentially could be a bigger problem...

dragonsfire · 13/03/2019 10:19

To be honest his experience might go against him - ten years ago and he hasn’t gone for managerial role since!

Would be a red flag to me that he could not handle it!

Don’t be down on yourself, ignore him, go for the job, smash the interview and assess your relationship once your his boss 😜

Bignosenobum · 13/03/2019 14:40

What a t**t. Ask him why he has suddenly decided to apply. Does he expect you will need extra money or you won't be working. The arrogance to say he will turn the job down.

S1naidSucks · 13/03/2019 15:04

I do think it’s rather endearing the way you wander from thread to thread making your lack of critical faculty so obvious, though

That’s true. He regularly comes onto threads shouting if the sexes were reversed. Some one feels a little threatened by women.

exparrot · 13/03/2019 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ninkaninus · 13/03/2019 19:35

I will not reply directly because I can’t be bothered to engage, but I will state for the record here that I have, in the past, spent lots of time patiently explaining very...simple...points...and...principles to people who are either incredibly stupid or being wilfully obtuse, or quite often a combination of the two. It’s boring, and I don’t do it at all anymore.

So people who want to be dumb or just cannot actually grasp important things like nuance and context, well, they can muddle around forever repeating their tired and tedious claims and I can happily ignore it, sit back and think myself lucky that I don’t have to have anything to do with them in any meaningful sense.

It’s great!

OhamIreally · 14/03/2019 14:10

And of course women don't talk, or reason, we "screech".

SpenglerOswald · 14/03/2019 14:13

Hmm. So something along the following lines:

My DP and I work for the same organisation. My DP has always made it clear that he wants to progress his career in this organisation and spotted that a job has come up in management which he would be great at and which he really wants. I've worked in management before but decided it really wasn't for me. Initially I though I'd apply for the job and, if I got it due to my management experience, I'd stand aside for DP, but I've now realised it involves a good salary rise so I've decided to go for it. DP is unhappy about it. AIBU?

If a poster of either sex posted that I wouldn’t have an issue, in what world is a pay rise a bad reason to go for a job?

UnspiritualHome · 14/03/2019 17:25

in what world is a pay rise a bad reason to go for a job?

In a world where you are going for a job you don't really want and probably wouldn't do very well because you dislike management, but the person you supposedly love definitely does want the job and would do it well. Especially if the reality is that the fact that you are in a relationship will come out and may well mean that neither of you gets it, so you will have sabotaged your partner's chances for nothing.

Original poster
MangoBananaSleep · 21/04/2019 07:13

Hello! It’s me again. So the job has now been advertised. I’m definitely going to go for it. So I need your tips please. How do I make myself stand out?

The job is a middle level management job in local government.

To update, my DP is also going to go for it. He said on Friday that he didn’t want it and wouldn’t enjoy it but as he is buying a house he needs all the extra cash.

He also said that he wasn’t sure if I really wanted it he job. Hmm I know I might be being unreasonable but I’ve lost a lot of respect for him over this. He said that if I said to him that I really wanted the job he wouldn’t go for it. However, this is clearly rubbish, as he is still applying despite me telling him it’s my dream job that I’ve been working hard towards for a few years.

OP posts:
Fiveredbricks · 21/04/2019 07:16

I'd dump him tbh op. What a cock.

mummmy2017 · 21/04/2019 07:20

Find a fun hobby, and put it on your CV ..
I kid you not...
I used to like logic puzzles, they asked what they were,. It gives you something extra to talk about
My child volunteers an event .. that did it for her job..

MiniCooperLover · 21/04/2019 07:21

He doesn't respect you OP and after this how can you respect him??

AskMeHow · 21/04/2019 07:21

If you get on well, talk to your current manager about the job before you apply - with any luck they'll be super encouraging and write you a really good reference. I know with my current job, I got two really good references. I'm not saying that's what made the difference, but as a lot of HR these days will only give a bare bones 'worked from this date to this date in job X' type one, it does give them more to go on.

Second thing as it's local government, which I'm sure you're already familiar with but I'll say it anyway, when you write the blurb about why you should get an interview, go through the person spec and JD and make sure you write something about everything in it. Also, as the interview will be competency based, no harm thinking about the questions they will ask at this stage and start putting together examples of 'tell me about a time that X happened' in the good old star (situation, task, action, result) format.

Good luck! Let us know how you get on.

SaveOurSausages · 21/04/2019 07:26

I don't understand why people are slating your other half so much.

You don't live together, don't share any financial connection. What you have in common is your JOB! So this kind of thing was bound to happen! Yes he has said for years he doesn't want to progress but people are allowed to change their mind.

I'm sorry but why on earth does it make him a terrible person (as some suggest)?! He has no financial commitment to OP and they haven't even committed to living together so why should he gallantly step aside for a job the OP may not even get if she applied?! If you have a romance in the office then you need to accept these things.

Research the role, read the person specification and address every point. Write positively and provide examples of your work. Yes your competition used to be a manager but hasn't for years. That may go against them actually as they may want to know why they avoided management roles for so long.

Good luck OP!

swingofthings · 21/04/2019 07:27

It does sound like it's turned into a competition with neither of you wanting to admit it.

I feel sorry for the people recruiting for the job. They might end up giving it to neither of you and someone with far less experience but much easier to manage under the circumstances.

joystir59 · 21/04/2019 07:27

This is a very interesting dynamic in your relationship! May the best one win!

JenniferJareau · 21/04/2019 07:28

What is the application process? That might help with answers on standing out.

Bringbackbertha · 21/04/2019 07:29

Make sure you are up together on the council's core values or aims, how you meet those and how they might be represented through the job

stressedoutpa · 21/04/2019 07:31

Ring the recruiting manager and ask if you can go along and have a chat. Not sure about local government but DH says that this helps in the NHS.

I would be considering my future with him. He's not very supportive, is he? I don't think this bodes well personally.

I have a really lovely DH and there is no way on earth he would do something like that to me. He just wouldn't.

Original poster
MangoBananaSleep · 21/04/2019 07:31

So, there is a person specification. We have to demonstrate if we meet all of the essential and desirable criteria.

Then there are interviews. In terms of the application form, I’m not sure if I should give examples of how I meet the criteria or save this for the interview?

OP posts:
Original poster
MangoBananaSleep · 21/04/2019 07:32

Thanks for all the tips. This is really helpful to me. I’m absolutely determined to give this my best shot!

OP posts:
Figgygal · 21/04/2019 07:32

He's in it for himself isn't he
Trying to convince you you don't want it is his way to try get you out of the picture
Sack him off after 5 years no living together or sharing finances get the job op then I'd use this as opportunity to move forward without him

Sigh81 · 21/04/2019 07:33

A few tips from me (I got promoted into a management position recently over several other candidates with direct management experience):

  1. His direct management experience was a LONG time ago. Don't necessarily think it will give him the edge (so be positive!)

  2. perhaps pick up a leadership/management book (there were tons in my local library), so you can get a feel for the language it uses. Think about your leadership style, how do you motivate people?

  3. Think of all the times you have had to lead people across a difficult project. That experience will be just as relevant as managing a person directly.

  4. also important in a management position: thinking strategically. Again, think of some examples where you have demonstrated this.

  5. do you have a mentor or someone senior that you respect who you could ask for help and advice? People are often more willing to help out than you think (it is flattering to be asked).

  6. What would your battle plan be for moving to a management position be? Eg establishing your authority amongst people who used to be your peers, getting them onside, outlining your vision.

All the above helped or came up in the interview and I got the role over more directly qualified candidates.

Good luck! Your DP sounds horrible and very unsupportive. Don't let him play mind games and put him out of your mind for the interview - focus on what makes you a brilliant candidate. You might not have direct management experience but you can motivate people, lead them across difficult and important projects and also think strategically.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 21/04/2019 07:35

If you don’t state how you meet the criteria on your application you won’t make it to interview!