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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and I applying for same job

301 replies

MangoBananaSleep · 11/03/2019 07:07

I work with my DP. We have been together for about five years.

I have always made it clear that I would love to progress in our organisation. He has always maintained that he has had management experience and didn’t enjoy it.

There will be an opportunity in our company soon to apply for a manerial role. It is the perfect job for me and one (without sounding big headed, I think I could do well).

I was talking about it with DP and he firstly said that he would apply but if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me. Then, when he found out the pay increase, he said he was definitely going to apply.

The thing is, I don’t have the direct management experience that he gained ten years ago. So, in all likelihood he will get the job ahead of me.

I can’t help feeling upset that, despite appearing to suppprt me when the job was theoretical and maintaining that it didn’t interest him, he is now willing to compete with me for it. I suppose this is one of the downsides of dating in the workplace.

Am I being over dramatic? I don’t think I would be so upset if he’d maintained all along that this was something he was interested in.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/03/2019 20:45

"I don’t have the direct management experience that he gained ten years ago"

Ten years ago? And then he stepped down from a managerial role? TBH, I think that's as likely to count against him as for him.

Iwrotethissongfor · 12/03/2019 20:59

I agree, my first thought was historic management experience followed by a long period of “acting down” afterwards (without suitable explanation) would be a red flag that they’re not good at it/cut out for it. It will be an obvious area of question for him at interview.

it’s untenable for one of your to manage the other - it’s not a good dynamic for you, him or the rest of the team and vulnerable to claims of preferential treatment etc. You need to be explicit with senior staff and not assume they know from who you leave with.

Wallywobbles · 12/03/2019 20:59

Apply and then we will all prep you for the interview so you get it. Easy.

Northernparent68 · 12/03/2019 20:59

If your relationship is common knowledge and one of you will be managing the other, I doubt if your employers will offer to either of you. I find it hard to understand why either of you thought of being the others boss.

Muddlingalongalone · 12/03/2019 21:05

It's mean spirited and smacks of him not wanting to be managed by you.
Complete your application & prep for the interview & don't mention it to him again.

Good luck!

TigerTooth · 12/03/2019 21:26

Draw straws for who applies. And place you brackets properly.

7yo7yo · 12/03/2019 21:30

Well he’s a dick then.
He’s got every right to apply for it but it sounds like he’s wary of you managing him.
Lesson learned, get the job and sack him of all ways.

7yo7yo · 12/03/2019 21:30

And DO NOT SHARE JOB TIPS OR LEAVE ANYTHING LYING AROUND THAT MIGHT HELP HIM GET THE JOB!

dudsville · 12/03/2019 21:30

I wouldn't want that degree of competition in my home life. You can both apply but if either of you gets it i think it will be tough on the relationship.

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 12/03/2019 21:35

Dating in the workplace is a bad idea and this is one of the reasons why. If you don't get it you might need to change jobs as it's going to affect how comfortable you are working with him in the future.
You should apply, letting a relationship stand in the way of what could be the right role for you is daft and I never do get why some people let such things get in the way of their careers,priorities mixed up to be honest.
Good luck anyways! Smile

hellsbells77 · 12/03/2019 21:47

There is no reason why your confidence should be knocked by his decision to apply for the job as well. Nothing has changed with how good you are at your job and will be in the new job.

I see his attitude towards assuming he would get the job as being very much a male mindset thing. I've seen it often that men have this assumption that they will get something, achieve what they want, etc. It either doesn't cross their mind that it's a possibility that they won't or they don't allow that thought to show outwardly for fear of being seen as weak or inferior.

I would also check with HR about your company's policies about workplace relationships and seniority if this management position is in the same team or department. My husband's work doesn't allow someone to be a manager of a partner/spouse and you may find this is this same at your place. If it is, and one of you gets the position, the other may find they have to move teams/department (if possible) or get a job elsewhere. I'm not saying, however, you shouldn't apply, you definitely should! Just be prepared for what may happen afterwards.

liamhemsworthsrealwife · 13/03/2019 00:59

Well isn't he a peach. He's going to apply for a job that he doesn't want, purely for the money - even though you actually want the job because you have genuine interest in it.

What's with saying he'd decline if he got it so it could be offered to you? 😂😂😂 How kind of him. Because there's no way you'd get offered it unless it was by him bowing out. Then he can say he 'gave you the job' and forever have you feel that you were second choice.

I hope you get the job and manage him out Grin

Catsinthecupboard · 13/03/2019 03:49

Please leave off white man entitlement syndrome.

It's just as wrong to judge my son bc of the color of his skin and his sex as it is to judge my daughter by those factors, and to be fair, i'm half brownish.

I am quite old and i truly lived through the times that women had few options. That is not now.

EVERYONE has cliques and groups and preferences.

As my mother used to crudely say about bosses/jobs, "i have been effed over by everyone; you aren't getting a virgin."

And that's true. I'd write down every bad job and lousy boss i have had and i would go through pretty much the Earth's population.

Currently, my dd is getting cheated by a boss who is opposite of ds.

Despicable isn't a race, religion or gender: it's an equal opportunity disposition.

OP, chances are you'll both be passed over for someone outside bc you're in a relationship. If you aspire to greater opportunities you'll probably need to change jobs. And try to not date a peer next time.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to make more money. If you and he were a team, you would think it a good thing either way.

But if he did get the job and that eliminates all possibility for promotion, you'll need to leave bc you clearly want to go further with your career.

To the hue and cry that I'm a jerk: would you expect a woman to not try for promotion bc her male partner wanted the job? Equality is 6 and 3+3? Not 6, but if it's a woman then we get 8.

snitzelvoncrumb · 13/03/2019 04:02

Still apply, I would be upset too. Good luck I hope you get it!

brookshelley · 13/03/2019 05:24

Hmm my view changes based on your update.

You would need to disclose your relationship to your employer or you open yourself up to all sorts of issues. What if they don't know, one of you ends up managing the other, and then other colleagues complain to HR that there's a bias as a result.

In one of my previous companies a sales manager was working closely with an in-house lawyer. Even though he didn't manage her, she did work for his team so it was considered inappropriate when they declared it and she had to change departments.

PeachesPlumsPears · 13/03/2019 05:45

OP you should apply for the position.

  1. Other team members might apply
  2. you will always regret it if you don't
  3. it will give you experience in applying for these type of positions
  4. it tells management that you want to move upwards and they might consider you for other promotions and
  5. if you don't get the position, you can ask for feedback and areas you need improvement so you can get the promotion next time.

As others have mentioned being prepared is key. List the responsibilities for the position and think of examples or ways you would handle the work. For example, you might not have direct supervisory experience but have you ever indirectly supervised people? "I have no direct supervisory experience here however I was the team leader for fundraising for XYZ charity and managed 10 volunteers, etc"

Good luck - will keep my fingers crossed for you.

cushioncuddle · 13/03/2019 06:04

In work it almost always comes down to colleagues first friends second.

The work comes before the friendship you have with them.

It's harder when you're having a relationship.

Regardless of who gets the job it's not a good situation that one of you will be managing the other. It's not good for your relationship or for the other members of the team.

SpenglerOswald · 13/03/2019 07:42

If the sexes were reversed on this thread there would be a lot of screeching about op being “controlling”

S1naidSucks · 13/03/2019 07:47

If the sexes were reversed on this thread there would be a lot of screeching about op being “controlling”

Utter bullshite! If the sexes were reversed the woman would most likely be encouraging her partner, if he applied for a job, rather than feeling her female pride being under threat. The partner in this thread, simply can’t stand the thought of a woman he’s with, being better paid, in a better job. He, like certain posters here, is just a misogynistic asshole.

SpenglerOswald · 13/03/2019 07:54

Utter bullshite! If the sexes were reversed the woman would most likely be encouraging her partner, if he applied for a job And yet, op isn’t.

Ninkaninus · 13/03/2019 08:03

Sigh. Again, if you’re intellectually challenged enough to not be able to pick up on nuance and context, then we really can’t help you.

I do think it’s rather endearing the way you wander from thread to thread making your lack of critical faculty so obvious, though...

MistressDeeCee · 13/03/2019 08:23

I wouldn't take any notice of him.

If he went for the job, was offered the job, and then turned it down he'd be looked on very unfavorably by employer, surely.

I mean it's not like going for a managerial role in a completely different company is it? 'Nah I don't want job even though I applied' will look entirely strange.

I think he's bluffing. But really he shouldn't have mentioned or even implied that he would go for the same job as you.

chatwoo · 13/03/2019 08:32

Line managing your partner... I can't even imagine wanting to be in that situation. I think I'd rather not get the payrise, or go and work at another company. Maybe it's just me, but I can't think of anything positive in that situation! Confused

SpenglerOswald · 13/03/2019 09:29

Sigh. Again, if you’re intellectually challenged enough to not be able to pick up on nuance and context, then we really can’t help you. ah that famous ‘nuance’ used to wave away double standards since time begun

UnspiritualHome · 13/03/2019 09:39

If the sexes were reversed on this thread there would be a lot of screeching about op being “controlling”

Hmm. So something along the following lines:

My DP and I work for the same organisation. My DP has always made it clear that he wants to progress his career in this organisation and spotted that a job has come up in management which he would be great at and which he really wants. I've worked in management before but decided it really wasn't for me. Initially I though I'd apply for the job and, if I got it due to my management experience, I'd stand aside for DP, but I've now realised it involves a good salary rise so I've decided to go for it. DP is unhappy about it. AIBU?

No, I really can't see MN unanimously supporting the OP in that scenario. What would stick out like a sore thumb is the fact that the job is of a type that the OP doesn't want or like, but she's going for it anyway to push her partner out and get more money. Also, of course, the fact that as soon as management realise they're partners it's highly likely that they'll decide that the easiest way to resolve the problem is to appoint neither of them.