To not go to my SIL's birthday.

[Teapot1984]

There's a long back story here but the short version is that my DH has told me he's not sure if he wants to be with me anymore and has moved out of our bedroom and is sleeping downstairs.He won't talk to me or spend time with me unless it's to do with the kids.Im heartbroken and struggling to cope with it all.Ive been with him 18 years since I was 16,married for 14.5 years and we have 4 kids.

My SIL's 40th is this weekend,my FIL has organised a surprise birthday meal for her,this was organised before all of this happened,my DH wants me to go and fake being a happy family on Friday night and I'm really not sure if I can do it when I'm falling apart inside,it'll be torture for me.

Would you go?

Not a chance! I’d fake illness.

No way. Agree that you should fake illness so you don’t have to deal with all the questions or have to fake being happy.

Of course YNBU.
I wouldn't fake illness though....just tell him that you don't think it's appropriate given the circumstances.

No way. He’s having a laugh!

Sorry you’re having such a rough time

It’s not just up to him what happens next, you don’t have to wait for him to decide whether or not he’s hanging around while he’s ignoring you.

No way. Just send a text last minute saying you’ve got a sick bug. Sorry to hear things are so shit OP

I'd alo fake illness. I can understand why he wants you to - if he told the truth he'd risk taking ruining her night and taking over the party with the news. But it's not fair to ask you to go - nobody is that good at acting and realistically you may get upset. I'd definitely refuse to go but ask him to tell them you're ill

Definitely would pull a sickie. Its totally insensitive of him to expect that of you

Absolutely not.

How do you get on with them ‘normally’ Whether I went or not would 100% depend on that- tolerate them because they’re family, or friends in their own right. If the latter I’d go and just socialise with them not DH.

Definitely don't go. I wouldn't fake being sick. Let him squirm when they ask where you are or why you aren't going. He's the one calling the shots after all.

No way I’d be going, he’s decided to end the marriage - he can’t just get you out of the box when it suits.

Do What you want. Like he is.

Do you have people to talk to in rl about this horrible situation?

He can decide to separate but he doesn't get to decide how it happens. You need real life support from friends and family.

I wouldn't go to the party. Unless you really want to iykwim.

For Friday, I’d pull a sickie just this once.

You need support - who have you told? Start telling your family - hold off on telling anyone his side until the weekend (after 40th meal).

He’s decided he doesn’t want you.

Now you get to decide how YOU handle this. No playing happy families to make him feel better and relieve him of guilt. You take the time you need to take care of you and draw on all the support you can.

Ideally you tell him of course I can go, but I won’t lie for you. I’ll tell everyone ‘x is leaving me and wont tell me why or talk to me, unless it’s to put on a front like here. ’ and add how old our children are.
See if he still wants you to go.

I wouldnt go but that aside... i think you need to start getting your affairs in order as it is clear he has checked out of the relationship and its over.

I would start telling people after this party and getting the support/ sorting out where each of you will live / money etc.

I understand you may be just wanting to sit back and see what happens but its clear its not going to change, im sorry.. please get some support.

Are your DC also meant to be going? If so then I'd pull a sickie so it doesn't affect their night. If not I'd be saying what time says, you'll go for SIL but you won't lie for him.

Pack him off with the kids and you spend the evening getting your affairs in order. When he gets back tell him your done. How dare he dangle you like that. He’s not sure? Well he can fuck off away from you until he figures it out.

I wouldn't go, but I wouldn't fake illness- I would be blunt with FIL and explain that your husband is walking away from the marriage.

Without wishing to add to your distress, I would guard against 'not sure anymore' not being the whole story, and ensure that you are financially protected. You might also want to mentally ready yourself for another woman to appear on the scene very quickly.

Absolutely not. Leave him to explain why you’re not there.

Nope, fuck him.

No way. He’s got a nerve expecting you to go.

No way. Nor would I organise the excuse for my absence - let him do that.

Nope. Won’t talk to you but expects you to lie to suit his families needs? Fuck that.

No way and i wouldn't make up any lame excuses for his sake either. I'd be telling it like it is.

You have got to be kidding me. OP in no way do what you don't want to do. (And how big of him to break his silent treatment to tell you what you should be doing!) I actually very very strongly feel you should in no way do this. Don't start a separation with him thinking he can control you. It's all shit now, but you will feel even shitter if you are being played for a fool, wheeled out at his convenience.