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Original poster

To not go to my SIL's birthday.

146 replies

Teapot1984 · 10/03/2019 21:15

There's a long back story here but the short version is that my DH has told me he's not sure if he wants to be with me anymore and has moved out of our bedroom and is sleeping downstairs.He won't talk to me or spend time with me unless it's to do with the kids.Im heartbroken and struggling to cope with it all.Ive been with him 18 years since I was 16,married for 14.5 years and we have 4 kids.

My SIL's 40th is this weekend,my FIL has organised a surprise birthday meal for her,this was organised before all of this happened,my DH wants me to go and fake being a happy family on Friday night and I'm really not sure if I can do it when I'm falling apart inside,it'll be torture for me.

Would you go?

OP posts:
ADHMeeee · 11/03/2019 00:01

He chooses to leave, therefore he doesn't get to insist on happy families for a front.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 11/03/2019 00:03

You poor thing!

Definitely do not go I would not feign illness I’d call the SIL directly and calmly explain (I would include the polyamory in my explanation but I am the sort that wouldn’t indulge in covering him/protecting his behaviour )

MumUnderTheMoon · 11/03/2019 00:05

Tell him you will not lie to his family for him and it is very cruel of him to ask you to do so. Send him off with the kids and tell him to tell the truth before the party or make up an excuse.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 11/03/2019 00:08

Definitely do not go I would not feign illness I’d call the SIL directly and calmly explain (I would include the polyamory in my explanation but I am the sort that wouldn’t indulge in covering him/protecting his behaviour )

This! Make sure his family know that this weird polyamorous couple are hugely involved in your husband leaving you and that it's not your doing. You're not the cunt here. I assume the family will have seen the birthday video on FB. Perhaps they're wondering WTF already.

Slatkater · 11/03/2019 00:27

What a shit. 💐 He’s behaving appallingly towards you. Take control and kick him out. Good luck.

CoolJule43 · 11/03/2019 08:03

I would most definitely not go to SIL's party and hell would freeze over before I'd lie about it either.

How dare your DH expect you to lie by playing happy families! If is his fault your family life has been destroyed.

I would contact SIL and apologise that you won't be able to come although you wish her a wonderful birthday. I would explain that your husband has separated from you although he is currently still living under the same roof. I would tell her he no longer speaks to you so it would be uncomfortable for you to be in his presence. If she asks why you have separated then tell her the truth.

It isn't going to ruin her party if you've told her in advance. It's just life.

Sadly, you also need to accept your marriage is over. You need to prepare for your future life. Get 'your ducks in a row' and then take control of the situation by ditching your husband.

You are still young and have loads of time to meet a decent and more compatible man with whom you can be happy.

CoolJule43 · 11/03/2019 08:06

I would also tell FIL and MIL so that your DH doesn't get the chance to make up rubbish

EmperorBallpitine · 11/03/2019 08:07

I would tell him that if he can't be civil at home then I'd not be into lying to his family at a party. Why should you? You have no incentive.

sadmummyatthemo · 11/03/2019 08:10

Thanks for the kind comments,

I have to point out their not actually into polygamy (at least I fecking hope not-I'd need to get myself to the GUM clinic if that were the case) but it's emotional polygamy although the comments about them being his BF and GF have made me giggle 🤭 it's nice to be able to have a giggle about something in the shitstorm that is my life.

I don't think his family are entirely blind to what's going on,my FIL lives close by enough to note that my DH's absence from home.

A friend of mine made a comment to me after I mentioned something to her about my DH's social media accounts,that there's no mention on them he has a wife and kids and a lot of his posts are either oriented towards the female half of the couple or there's lots of comments from her and sometimes her mum in on the posts (I forgot to mention he's become close to her mum and calls this woman 'mum' as well).

nanbread · 11/03/2019 08:21

A friend of mine made a comment to me after I mentioned something to her about my DH's social media accounts,that there's no mention on them he has a wife and kids and a lot of his posts are either oriented towards the female half of the couple or there's lots of comments from her and sometimes her mum in on the posts (I forgot to mention he's become close to her mum and calls this woman 'mum' as well).

It just gets wronger.

Are you on social media OP?

(BTW think you had a name change fail there so you might want to delete)

sadmummyatthemo · 11/03/2019 09:05

@nanbread

I'm not too worried about the name change.

Yes I'm on social media,I mentioned some photos on his page to my friend and she had a look and then pointed it out.Sometimes when you're that close to the situation you don't notice some stuff.

It does get weirder and weirder with their relationship,he's especially close to the female half of the couple,her DH isn't an emotional person so she leans heavily on my DH.She's a messed up person,her 2 kids want nothing to do with her and she doesn't work many hours so she has time on her hand- time to give my DH attention,think of all the cliche's men usually give for affairs eg my wife has no time for me/doesn't understand me/I feel neglected and apply that to their friendship and your about there,they stroke his ego and he's told me they "get him" 🙄

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/03/2019 09:09

I would phone my in-laws and have an honest chat with them now so it doesn’t overshadow the party. I’d just say DH is leaving you to spend more time with his friends, that you’re devastated and so won’t come to the party

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/03/2019 09:12

If they “get him” then they can have him...

ittakes2 · 11/03/2019 09:16

No he is being unfair. You make you feelings a priority as he is not doing that.

Ohtherewearethen · 11/03/2019 09:27

If he's not sure if he wants you then he won't have you, it's as simple as that. He sounds quite a week man - allowing himself to be manipulated by a very odd couple, particularly the woman. He's too weak to even stand by his convictions; He s not sure if he wants to stay with you but hasn't the balls to leave or to tell his family what is going on. How dare he ask this the favour of you when he has turned your and your children's lives upside for, just to save him answering a few awkward questions from his family. He's a spineless twat and I couldn't respect him at all. This odd new relationship sounds much like what went on with a friend of mine and her husband. When he left with her to get with the other woman, she dropped him like a brick, apparently surprised that she had given him the wrong idea! She just loved having control over him and ruining his 25 year marriage. I'm so sorry OP, this is a most unusual situation. But one things for sure, tell him to get lost. Lots of luck x

altiara · 11/03/2019 09:28

Sounds horrendous. I remember your previous post. It’s just so odd, them taking over your DH.
If it was me, I’d be tempted to go to the party, get drunk and tell everyone what a shit he is.
Well, I say that would would give him that as an option or I stay home.

sadmummyatthemo · 11/03/2019 10:30

@altiara

That wouldn't be fair on his family,they are actually really lovely,my FIL is a real gentleman,sadly the apple has fallen very far from the tree with my DH.FIL and my MIL didn't have a great marriage,they were effectively living separate lives under the same roof but despite their circumstances my FIL always treated my MIL with the upmost respect and dignity,he would have gone out of his way not to hurt or embarrass her.My FIL truly believed in honouring his marriage vows,it's a shame my DH hasn't used my FIL as a role model.

fishonabicycle · 11/03/2019 13:05

Lock the doors, pack his bags and leave them outside.

blackteasplease · 11/03/2019 13:22

Do not go. Not in a million years. He has such a cheek! I would also tell them the true reason!

Also if you possible can kick him out (I.e. if he's not someone who stands on his "legal right" to stand in the house) I would.

Rainbunny · 11/03/2019 13:41

Oh dear OP. Well I think the party is the least of your concerns right now. Do not get sucked into lying to protect your DH's image with his family, be honest and explain that you are separating at his wish and if they ask, describe the situation with these new friends whom he spends time and stays with. You don't have to go into details beyond that.

More importantly OP, I'm sorry but please start getting your ducks in a row as it seems clear that your dh is leaving you (in slow stages) and you really deserve a better life than allowing this man to dictate how your marriage crumbles based on his whims and desires and most importantly - his fictitious narrative about how you are the reason he is doing this. You have children and you need to move now to protect you and them, please don't hide your head in the sand and hope it will blow over, it almost certainly won't get back to normal, sorry! Speak to a lawyer.

TriciaH87 · 11/03/2019 13:50

Tell him straight. You are not going to fake being happy when his crushing you on the inside. He cannot expect you to do so. Tell him if you go your worried something will slip out if someone asks a question you might not be able to hold it together.

HoustonBess · 11/03/2019 13:58

You can't keep living like you're a sandwich he's not sure he wants to eat!

I wouldn't go to the party. Tell SIL you're having marital problems or have separated, whichever is easiest.

Then start making plans about what will happen in terms of money and childcare when he moves out. He can't live with you and keep you in this limbo.

LazyLizzy · 11/03/2019 14:02

OP how on earth can you still have feelings for this prick?

The disrespect and humiliation would be enough for me.

Take back control and make a life without him. They are laughing at you, taking the piss badly.

crosstalk · 11/03/2019 14:03

OP Don't go. But don't say you're ill. Just tell a suitable person - your FIL or SIL - that their DS/DB wants out of the marriage and you don't think you can handle the occasion and don't want to put a damper on it. Send a card with love from you and your DC to your SIL.

And for god's sakes check out your financial standing and go to a solicitor.

steppemum · 11/03/2019 14:04

No way, and there is no way that I would be lying either.

I would send a text to your FIL and say 'as dh has decided we are splitting up and is currently sleeping on the sofa, I don't feel as if I can come to this event and play happy families.'

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