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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my SIL's birthday.

146 replies

Teapot1984 · 10/03/2019 21:15

There's a long back story here but the short version is that my DH has told me he's not sure if he wants to be with me anymore and has moved out of our bedroom and is sleeping downstairs.He won't talk to me or spend time with me unless it's to do with the kids.Im heartbroken and struggling to cope with it all.Ive been with him 18 years since I was 16,married for 14.5 years and we have 4 kids.

My SIL's 40th is this weekend,my FIL has organised a surprise birthday meal for her,this was organised before all of this happened,my DH wants me to go and fake being a happy family on Friday night and I'm really not sure if I can do it when I'm falling apart inside,it'll be torture for me.

Would you go?

OP posts:
fargo123 · 13/03/2019 02:38

I wouldn't attend and I'd tell the in-laws exactly why. No way would I cover up for such an arse hole. The truth would come out anyway regardless of the party after I kicked him out.

Nothinglefttochoose · 13/03/2019 04:43

No I wouldn’t go and I’d tell them all why.

That their idiot son “isn’t happy/doesn’t know what he wants etc blah blah blah@

All such cliche! And an excuse for men to act like children.

Travis1 · 13/03/2019 08:48

@sadmummyatthemo I would definitely stop doing anything for him. He cannot check out of your marraige and still expect the 'benefits' of that marriage.

I really hope you can find the strength to tell him to GTF. He is being an epic cunt in his behaviour to you and it's really not fair at all x

Nairobe · 13/03/2019 09:42

Have you seen a solicitor? You need too. Please do yourself a favour and see one asap. Decline the invite and be honest; if his family are lovely then they will want honesty too, which is why your husband wants you to lie. Stop doing his things too.

Please don't be like my aunt, so clinging to the love and who he used to be that she allowed her husband to hide away money, treat her terribly and upset the kids (they will know more then you give them credit). Please dont walk into a divorce as she did by burying your head, ending up the burned party in every way.

PregnantSea · 13/03/2019 15:52

Don't go to the party and lie for him. Tell him if you go that you won't be covering anything up to make him feel more comfortable. Personally I wouldn't go at all, but it's absolutely up to you. Who gives a flying fuck whether or not he wants you to go? You owe him nothing.

Also he needs to move out. Right now. He can go stay at a friend's or get a hotel. Let him visit to see the kids.

Motoko · 13/03/2019 17:01

Have you spoken to SIL or FIL yet?

anxiousbean · 13/03/2019 17:32

Sorry you are going through this and you absolutely don't have to go to the party if you don't want to. Just tell your FIL why and maybe give him a card for your SIL if you are close. You need to prioritise your feelings - as your husband clearly isn't going to - and your husband needs to feel the consequences of his decisions i.e. if he decides not to be part of your marriage, he doesn't get to have a happy family.

Sorry but I also think it is highly likely that he is having a physical affair

diabeticsanon · 13/03/2019 17:32

i'd tell fil dh is walking away too, certainly wouldn't pretend to be sick, let the pathetic little shit answer the awkward questions.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 14/03/2019 12:25

They have some kind of hold over him, whether emotional or actual. You haven't said but I wonder if drugs are involved.

He needs shocking out of this situation, not indulging. Stop doing his laundry and feeding him. Send him to live with them. And ffs lock down your money, before they have that too.

sadmummyatthemo · 16/03/2019 13:18

@Myimaginarycathasfleas

Funny you should mention that;

The female half of the couple is bipolar but isn't getting any professional support for it at the moment as she refuses to see a GP.

She drinks heavily and I'm talking spirits not wine etc.She self medicates with a cocktail of "prescription" drugs she orders off the internet from abroad and takes cocaine.Last year she had a 'suicide' attempt where she took a load of pills and booze and then called my DH who actually walked out of work to go to her.

I've blocked her now on all platforms and she's not welcome at my home,on Thursday she sent me a horrible message laying all the blame for everything at my door,said my house is a shithole,I'm treating my DH badly,my home isn't a home,my house is like a warzone,I'm damaging my kids,I need to make my house cleaner/homelike/peaceful and then my DH might want to be there and I need to beg for his forgiveness and maybe he'll want to be with me.

I haven't dignified that rant with an answer,I'm not letting her into my life in any form.

sadmummyatthemo · 16/03/2019 13:20

It would seem their filling my DH's head with crap and he's listening to them.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/03/2019 13:28

I doubt your dh is innocently being manipulated by her, I’m afraid, OP - after all, who is telling her about your house and marriage? Him.

You have no reason at all to go to your SIL’s birthday and put on a front to save your husband’s face. As other, wiser posters have said - send him with the children, and use the time to get your affairs in order, then tell him to get out. I am willing to bet he will move in with this couple.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Awrite · 16/03/2019 13:30

Tell fil what your husband has done

Block the other couple, cease engaging with them.

Insist on husband making plans to actually leave do that you can get on with your life. You really shouldn't accept this treatment, it will erode your self esteem.

tylerina · 16/03/2019 14:09

Did you go the party or not op? Xx

Motoko · 16/03/2019 14:52

OP, what happened last night?

I asked you a couple of times earlier this week, if you'd spoken to your SIL or FIL, but you didn't answer.

According to your OP, SIL's party was last night, yet despite posting today, you've not mentioned it.

You're still getting posters advising you on something that's already happened, and because you've name changed, your posts are no longer highlighted.

Clutterbugsmum · 16/03/2019 15:52

Sounds like your h is in relationship like Louis Theroux Love without limits.

You need to be strong and make a decide as to whether or not you want this life. Personally for me your H would be gone.

He treating you and your DC appallingly. He left already and is only waiting until it suits him to leave.

Travis1 · 16/03/2019 16:49

I really hope you didn’t go to the party.

sadmummyatthemo · 16/03/2019 17:36

@Travis1

I did go,I went with the kids.There were enough people there that I could chat to extended family/family friends and not spend the evening with him.I decided to be the bigger person after all it's not my SIL's fault her brother is going through an early mid life crisis and is being pathetic

OddCat · 16/03/2019 17:57

Did you tell them what he's up to?

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/03/2019 18:12

If you speak to your father in law, just ask why he hasn't invited his son and the polyamorous couple he is sleeping with, as he checked out of the marriage months ago

This

And I would be checking out your financials and seeing a good divorce lawyer and then giving your husband his marching orders.

No need for him to be sleeping in the downstairs room when he has somewhere else to go.

If you leave him to make all the decisions you are handing him all the power.

At least if you take control there is a chance he might come to his senses

Motoko · 16/03/2019 19:39

So, what now? When are you going to tell the in laws?

Or are you just waiting passively for your ex to decide what's happening?

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/03/2019 08:43

So you were guilted into going.

And you think this is just a mid life crisis.

A mid life crisis is buying a motor bike or sports car or taking up hand gliding not forming a ménage a trois with another couple and telling your wife you don’t love her anymore.

Whilst you are continuing to show the world what a happy family you are he is probably siphoning off any available cash or assets.

Unless you get tough and quick more than likely he will be spinning a web of lies around your eventual split.

He is setting you up and if you are falling for it others will also believe him.

spongebunnyfatpants · 17/03/2019 11:08

Op, don't let him be the one in control. You need to take control of the situation.
Kick him out and he can go have a perminant sleep over at theirs.
You're better off without him, this is bringing you nothing but heartache and embarrassment.
You'll feel better when hes gone.

Travis1 · 17/03/2019 11:47

How long are you going to keep excusing his behaviour as a ‘mid life crisis’. You have kids. Are any of them girls? Is this really what you want to model as an acceptable relationship to her? Or even to your sons? That this is how they should treat their partners?

You really need to stop being so passive to this situation and take back some control.

sadmummyatthemo · 17/03/2019 21:35

Thanks to all who have replied

I've told my friends and family what's going on.The people who are important to me know.

When I read my posts back I know how utterly crap the situation is but I'm utterly devastated none the less,it hurts so much tbh,I'm terrified of being a single mum,I'm terrified of what's going to happen to me,I'm terrified of being lonely,I feel so broken and unloved and unwanted,I really shouldn't love him but I do or I love the man I married,I wish so much I could just turn my feelings off,I'm someone who wears their heart on their sleeve and loves deeply,I currently swing between feeling okay and then feeling utterly hopeless and depressed.I hate what this is doing to me,I hate it all 😓

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