To not go to my SIL's birthday.

[Teapot1984]

There's a long back story here but the short version is that my DH has told me he's not sure if he wants to be with me anymore and has moved out of our bedroom and is sleeping downstairs.He won't talk to me or spend time with me unless it's to do with the kids.Im heartbroken and struggling to cope with it all.Ive been with him 18 years since I was 16,married for 14.5 years and we have 4 kids.

My SIL's 40th is this weekend,my FIL has organised a surprise birthday meal for her,this was organised before all of this happened,my DH wants me to go and fake being a happy family on Friday night and I'm really not sure if I can do it when I'm falling apart inside,it'll be torture for me.

Would you go?

No.

Don't go.

While he's out, change the locks.

"Not sure if he wants to be with you". What a sh*t!

Thanks guys the long version is of the story is nuts though;

My DH has 2 "best friends" he met via his job a few years ago.Their a couple who a now married.My husband has developed this weird co dependent emotional polygamous relationship with them and his friends are really possessive about him to the point of being aggressive (of course my DH disagrees with me)

They don't like me,especially the female half of the couple,I've had some verbal abuse off her in the past,she fills my husbands head with crap,I've on many occasions questioned the exact nature of their relationship which upsets my DH and he denies he has feelings for her or is attracted to her.They rub their friendship in my face and all 3 know their relationship upsets me,although again my DH disagrees with me and says their not trying to rub anything in my face.

They encourage my DH to spend a lot of time at their house away from his family,he sleeps over a lot.I don't know many married grown men who have sleepovers at their friends.

The straw that broke the camels back was my DH taking the night off work to spend his birthday with them and stay over at theirs again.I was quite upset he didn't want to spend his day with us.

Anyway they threw him a surprise birthday party and showered him with piles of presents including a £500 gift.I can't really compete with that on my £64 a week carers allowance I get for looking after my disabled son.

I found out about it on Facebook after the female half of the couple filmed the "surprise" and gift opening and posted it.It made me cry.

I was so upset I flipped my lid and told her it was bang out of line and rubbing my face in it.A string of angry texts were exchanged and she told me I ruined his birthday like I ruin everything and to get a grip.

I feel like the OW and like I'm in their way after all in this situation,3's company,4's a crowd.

It's bonkers.I find it especially ironic he wants me to spend his sisters birthday with him considering he spent his with his mates.

Anyway after this came home and told me what I posted in my original post.I love my DH and would go to the ends of the earth for him but he doesn't seem to realise that.I just wanted a normal family life.Im gutted he's ignoring me,it's a very lonely existence at the moment.

Don't go, don't feign illness and DON'T leave it for him to explain unless you want to find yourself at fault here.

Tell your FIL that his son has decided unilaterally to walk away from the marriage and under the circumstances you would find it difficult to pretend you were anything other than devastated at your SIL's party.

And yes, use the time to sort out your affairs in preparation for him leaving now, instead of at his own convenience.

I wouldn’t go. Let him explain why you’re not there.

I wouldn't be going, he also wouldn't be on the sofa he would be staying elsewhere while I sorted my head out he would owe you this space he is the one unsure so he can go be unsure elsewhere !
Xx

Based on your last post, LTB.

He’s checked out of your marriage. So should you.

A birthday party is the least of your worries here.

Do you honestly think the marriage can be saved?

Sorry you’re going through this.

He doesn't need to stay on your sofa then, he has somewhere else to go who'd more than welcome him. Pack his bag for him. If he wants to play happy families for SILs birthday he can bring them.

For me it would depend on your relationship with your in laws. I wouldn't not go to my sister in laws 40th. She is amazing. I might be telling him though that he wanted us to just play happy families he needs to feign an illness.....depends a little too on how strong you feel. I can imagine in your shoes that I might actually be feeling unwell.

Please do make sure you have copies of financial documents etc and then consider kicking him out. Sounds as if he has somewhere he could stay! Maybe he will wake up then and realise quite how daft he is being.

How are things between you generally? It must be hard with coping with your DC's disability for you all.

I'd be upset that my DH chose to spend his birthday including overnight away from me and the kids, unless it was some prearranged holiday, it does sound quite strange. Were there other people at the surprise party? If yes they should definitely have invited you. How often does he stay there?

Playing devil's advocate, they don't seem to have done much wrong (except maybe verbal abuse), you just don't like them. Your DH's behaviour is on your him, not them.

Oh sweetheart ❤️ Following your update I’d be packing his bag and sending him to live with those fuckers. You shouldn’t have to compete for your husbands attention. He’s an utter cocksplat for treating you this way

I wouldn’t pretend to be ill. I’d tell his family exactly why I wasn’t going. Fuck him and his wanting to play happy families for the evening.

ah, do not go. Send your SIL a message explaining:" Your brother has told you me does not want to be with me anymore, I am not in any viable position to come to a family gathering, but I do wish you the best and Happy Birthday'. Get rid of him as soon as you can. Fuck that, we all have one turn in this life, he is a waste of your time.

On the basis that you are struggling, then pulling a sickie isn’t that far from the truth. Don’t go.

And your update is weird. Sorry, not your update, but the ‘friends’ controlling behaviour over your dh. It’s almost cult-like, how they are isolating him from you.

Hes a selfish prick. Tell his family exactly what hes playing at

I most certainly wouldn’t be going and I would be telling sil why - that you’re having a few problems and don’t feel you can fake happy family at the moment. Be honest- don’t fake illness and let him lie about you behind your back.

He’s treating you very badly. I think that you know that deep down. You have been with him from such a young age that you’re letting him get away with very bad behaviour thinking that you love him so much.

WTF! That's a really weird situation he's got himself into. Do you think they are having some sort of sexual relationship? I think you should ltb OP, he sounds like a disrespectful, self centered twat.

@Drogosnextwife

I hope not 🤢

No

I wouldn't fake anything, I'd be telling all his family why I'm not going.

His interaction with that couple isn't normal, if he thinks it is, his family can give their view on it.

He sounds seriously odd. The couple are weird. Tell his family 🤷‍♀️

If you speak to your father in law, just ask why he hasn't invited his son and the polyamorous couple he is sleeping with, as he checked out of the marriage months ago.

Don't go, tell him to take his boyfriend and girlfriend!

Your priority is you and your kids. He has lost your loyalty and right to support when he at the very least emotionally betrayed you. What a total shitgibbon to mistreat you like that and then has the audacity to expect you to play happy families. Don’t lie for him. Tell your FIL exactly why you cannot come. We women should really stop putting our own emotional wellbeing last for the sake of covering up for emotionally stunted men!

Definitely don’t go. How does he think it will work if he won’t talk to you?

His relationship wth his friends is odd. If he wants to leave to go and be a third wheel for another couple I’d wave him off.