Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my SIL's birthday.

146 replies

Teapot1984 · 10/03/2019 21:15

There's a long back story here but the short version is that my DH has told me he's not sure if he wants to be with me anymore and has moved out of our bedroom and is sleeping downstairs.He won't talk to me or spend time with me unless it's to do with the kids.Im heartbroken and struggling to cope with it all.Ive been with him 18 years since I was 16,married for 14.5 years and we have 4 kids.

My SIL's 40th is this weekend,my FIL has organised a surprise birthday meal for her,this was organised before all of this happened,my DH wants me to go and fake being a happy family on Friday night and I'm really not sure if I can do it when I'm falling apart inside,it'll be torture for me.

Would you go?

OP posts:
howwillwedeal · 11/03/2019 14:07

No way would I go! You're not a fucking ornament for him to take out and show like everything is fine. Does he honestly expect you to sit there with a smile painted on your face?

steppemum · 11/03/2019 14:10

Oh sorry, missed all the non high lighted posts.

The situation is so weird, I am not sure what to say!
I think I woudl kick him out.
Then start again.

It sounds as if this whole relationship is a bit like an addiction, he is blind to what he is doing, and at some point, sooner of later he will come to his senses.
The question is - what will you do when he does? Do you want to go to counselling and try again? Do you want nothing more to do with him?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 11/03/2019 14:33

I think you have nothing left to lose and in your position I would be laughing in his face about his pathetic middle age crisis menage a trois. If you don't want to go to the party don't, but tell him that he tells them why. Don't pull a "sickie" - why should you lie?

Good luck OP, it all sounds like hell.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/03/2019 14:37

Another vote for don't go and don't fake anything.

Sounds like a really odd situation and can understand why you'd be hurt that he chooses not to spend his birthday with his family.

Leave them too it. Tell him to get his arse off the sofa and into a rental flat.

You'll be fine. Honest.

Waveysnail · 11/03/2019 14:51

I couldn't take it. I'd end up in tears and make a scene

Margot33 · 11/03/2019 14:53

No, don't go. Inform them you won't be going because your husband wants to seperate. Keep it simple.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/03/2019 15:01

And another thing - you say that you love him. You don't.

You love the person you thought that he was. He has proved that he isn't that person at all. DOn't let him drag you down.

baubled · 11/03/2019 15:20

You're going to have to get strong op! Do not go and play happy families, tell him to take his weirdo friends considering they seem to be the priority in his life.

He doesn't know if he wants to be with you? Don't wait around for him to decide, who does he think he is!

KM99 · 11/03/2019 15:36

Exactly what crosstalk advises. Keep it civil but be very clear about what's happening.

You really need to think about you and the kids first. If it were me I'd be telling him that time apart is needed and he needs to move out.

InsuranceGirl · 11/03/2019 15:57

Don't go, don't lie about not going and pack his bags and tell him to move out.

I'd also be very careful about responding to his "friends" and if you get abuse from them report it and get a restraining order.

Also speak to a lawyer asap please and I'd be making sure they don't visit him whilst he's at his "friends" as I'm sure that's where he'd go.

Flowers
gambaspilpil · 12/03/2019 07:42

Absolutely no way would I be going to this party. You need to stop being so passive and find some inner rage. This man has stopped caring a long time ago, spending overnights with ‘friends’ and on his birthday too and you just accept that. I would be advising your DH that you won’t be going to this party and perhaps he needs to own his decision and share the news with his family..... as for you seek some external support and work out a way forward for you and your DC

Travis1 · 12/03/2019 08:48

How are you op?

sadmummyatthemo · 12/03/2019 15:57

@Travis1

Feeling abit better today,my friends take on this is F*#% him and take care of myself and to stop doing anything for him eg his Washing,cooking for him etc and to hand him a list of what chores I expect to do and what he should do as he's still treating me like his lackey in terms of housework,childcare etc.On the cheerful side I weighed in at my diet club this week and I've lost 7.5lbs so at least this is doing something for me.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/03/2019 16:00

Why the hell are you still doing washing and cooking for him!? Confused
Am totally with your friends.

Have a bit of self respect.

It's time for him to go.

ALannisterInDebt · 12/03/2019 16:07

Next time he goes for a sleepover, pack him a suitcase and leave it on the doorstep, & get the locks changed.

Tell FIL he's checked out of the marriage.

ALannisterInDebt · 12/03/2019 16:08

And also, stop engaging with this other couple, no more texting or looking at their FB. Block them on everything. Rise above it .

OfficeSlave · 12/03/2019 16:12

Hes absolutely disgusting to expect that of you! It is an absurd and pathetic request on his part. No way. Don't make excuses to SIL either, hes put you in this, let him tell her, especially if he is wanting to pretend to her (Why?).
I am sorry for your loss, but if this disgusting silent treatment of you after devastating you is anything to go by, its only his loss, not yours. Why can't he treat you like you are a human?

OddCat · 12/03/2019 16:20

Sounds like he's having an affair with the woman right under her partners nose.

Do whatever suits you but don't lie for him.

chillpizza · 12/03/2019 16:22

Don’t do anything for him. Don’t go to the party and don’t lie for him.

It’s likely there is something going on between him and the women, the other man may even know and agree to it as long as it’s secret so being best buddies fits.

If thy are all such great friends they can lol live together in their little threesome.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/03/2019 16:26

there,they stroke his ego and he's told me they "get him" they're stroking something of his but I don't think it's just his ego.

Do you have access to joint accounts OP?

ImMeantToBeWorking · 12/03/2019 16:28

Why should you since he has checked out of your marriage? He just wants to save face with him familly, tell him to FO, and is he makes you go, let it be known that your marriage is over and he moved out of your room.

The fecker!

I hope you are ok, and you deserve so much better!

GreenTulips · 12/03/2019 16:33

Why haven’t you kicked him out yet?

I wouldn’t give a second thought to the party and just say no thanks

Motoko · 12/03/2019 16:39

Sounds like he's having an affair with the woman right under her partners nose.

I reckon they're one of those couples, where the husband gets off on watching his wife being shagged by other men, and OP's husband is the obliging other man.

OP have you spoken to SIL or FIL yet, to let them know you're not going, and why? You need to do it soon if you haven't, it's only 3 days away now. Don't put it off until it's too late, and then your ex will be able to put more pressure on you to go.

GreenTulips · 12/03/2019 17:50

I agree with the above - that or some cult thing

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 12/03/2019 18:23

Very strange behavior from your husband, what was your relationship like before this couple came along?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread