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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to my SIL's birthday.

146 replies

Teapot1984 · 10/03/2019 21:15

There's a long back story here but the short version is that my DH has told me he's not sure if he wants to be with me anymore and has moved out of our bedroom and is sleeping downstairs.He won't talk to me or spend time with me unless it's to do with the kids.Im heartbroken and struggling to cope with it all.Ive been with him 18 years since I was 16,married for 14.5 years and we have 4 kids.

My SIL's 40th is this weekend,my FIL has organised a surprise birthday meal for her,this was organised before all of this happened,my DH wants me to go and fake being a happy family on Friday night and I'm really not sure if I can do it when I'm falling apart inside,it'll be torture for me.

Would you go?

OP posts:

Motoko · 17/03/2019 22:30

It will hurt, it really sucks, but you will feel better in time.

At the moment, you can't imagine living any other way, that's why it all feels so frightening. But you'll get through it, and make a good life for yourself and your children.

And although it's too early to think about now, you'll go on and have other relationships, and find someone who truly cares about you. You won't be alone forever, unless you want that.

Just take each hour, each day, each week, at a time. First, you need to start sorting out the practicalities. Get copies of all the finances, including things like his wage slips and pension info, if you can. Then book an appointment with a solicitor. Go and see a few, to find one you feel comfortable with, he won't be able to use any of the ones you've seen, even the ones you don't use.

Don't agree any of the asset splitting until you've had legal advice, let your solicitors sort it out.

TapasForTwo · 18/03/2019 07:33

"I'm terrified of being a single mum, I'm terrified of what's going to happen to me, I'm terrified of being lonely,"

Surely, being a single mum is better than what you have now? And you are already lonely. Being lonely when you are with someone is much, much worse than being lonely on your own. His family need to know what is going on. You shouldn't be covering up for him. It just means that he thinks he can carry on like this.

PerpendicularVincent · 18/03/2019 07:51

Are your friends and family supporting you, OP?

It's a shitty situation and you deserve far better. Don't engage with his awful 'friends' any longer, and prioritize making a life for yourself. You can't live like this.

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/03/2019 12:49

I'm terrified of being a single mum

Most of my friends are single mums and although it is hard work they all say the same thing.

It is less work being a single parent than being in a relationship with someone who isn’t on the same page as you.
Constantly having to take onboard someone else’s feelings and dealing with their reactions.

Friend said if I want to go on holiday to Spain for a week I take time off work and we go.
If I don’t feel like cooking one night and want to get take away then we do.
I haven’t got to deal with someone saying they don’t want to go to Spain/they don’t want to go self catering/they want a home cooked meal/they want a tidy house and the moodiness that goes with it and the feeling that what they want is secondary.

They would only swap their lives if someone fantastic came along. Until then they are enjoying their time.

NorthEndGal · 18/03/2019 13:04

I'm sorry this is happening. Did you end up going to the party?

Clutterbugsmum · 18/03/2019 14:51

It's better to alone and a single parent by yourself then being lonely and a single parent in what should be couple.

Your husband is the lowest of the low. He having an affair with his best friend and his best friends wife.

You know that it's not normal for a married man to spend most of his time with his friends and certainly not having sleepovers.

He completely checked out of your marriage, but he has left your home.

PerpendicularVincent · 18/03/2019 20:45

Are you ok, OP?

sadmummyatthemo · 19/03/2019 17:46

Well things have gotten so much worse in the last 24 hours.Our dog got ill yesterday afternoon and was rushed to the vets by the DH.He died in the early hours of the morning.The DH took the call from the vets and didn't tell me.I found out after my pointed it out on Facebook at about 10am this morning.It looks as though he's also hidden his Facebook posts from me as well.So I found out the dog has died via Facebook hours after my DH had known about it.Im devastated on all counts right now.

TapasForTwo · 19/03/2019 17:50

What an arsehole. Time to get rid.

Sorry to read about the dog

eggsandwich · 19/03/2019 17:56

So he dumps you and then wants you to play happy familys in front of his family.

I’m afraid in light of the fact he has called time on your marriage without any discussion he doesn’t now get to ask you for any favours so he can sod off.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 19/03/2019 17:58

Gosh they groomed him. Are they in a cult?!

Stargazer888 · 19/03/2019 18:16

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. Your dh is an asshole. Tell him to get his stuff and to get out. You deserve better.

Motoko · 19/03/2019 20:30

What a cunt he is. I'm so sorry about your dog. Do you even know what was wrong with him?

Time to get proactive now. Kick him out, and make an appointment at some solicitors.

KC225 · 19/03/2019 20:55

So sorry about your dog. What a horrible spiteful thing to do. I am assuming you had to break it to the children.

As to your further post upthread about your worries about being a single mum - you are already a single mum OP with the added worry of wondering when he will come home and how will he hurt and humiliate you next.

Make the decision OP. Send him to live Arthur and Martha and get on with your life. You need to mourn the man you married and accept he has become the arse of today.

Accept all the help from friends and family and his family if they offer - it won't be easy with four young children but you can do it.

Good luck OP.

Ginnymweasley · 19/03/2019 20:59

He's an arse. This isn't a midlife crisis, he's not bought a Harley, he's completely checked out of your life. Does he actually do anything at home? In all likelihood you are already doing everything a single mum does but your dragging his sorry arse along as well. I'm sorry this is happening to you but now is the time to take charge, don't wait for him to make the decisions.

sadmummyatthemo · 20/03/2019 07:12

@Ginnymweasley

Last week he brought a motorbike,it wasn't a Harley but he didn't tell me about it (again from Facebook),he hid it in my FIL's shed.

And no he doesn't do much when it comes to the house,I'm expected to do it,its been like that for years ,it hasn't mattered if I've worked full time,part time or not at all I've received no more help around the house.He was actually complaining a few weeks ago to me about the state of the house and then won't actually help around the house.I can't remember the last time he helped.

Happynow001 · 20/03/2019 13:44

OP. What exactly are you holding onto? This man has completely checked out of the relationship with you apart from when there is something explicitly in it for himself.

He is also being hugely disrespectful (the way he dealt with your dog's death, secretly buying an expensive motorbike and hiding it, carping on about the state of the house without lifting a finger, possibly restricting his FB from you, etc). Why are you doing anything to please him when he so doesn't care about you?

You say you are afraid of being lonely as a single mum. Aren't you already in a worse position?

Time to do practical and legal research to see how you'd cope financially if you split. That would at least give you clarity around your position and maybe take some of the fear away. Good luck OP. 🌹

flirtygirl · 20/03/2019 14:14

Hi op sorry for everything that is going on.

Many have asked have you sorted the legal and financial. As upsetting as it is, to continue to do nothing will make the situation far worse for yourself and for your children.

You need to sort out money and Iiving arrangements and you owe it to your children. (especially as you are a carer to a disabled child to sort it out the best for them.)

You obviously owe it to yourself also but your children need you to advocate for them even if currently you can't do it for yourself.

MiniCooperLover · 20/03/2019 14:25

OP, it sounds a dreadful situation but you sound a bit like you're 'sitting it out' and expecting it to just get better if you ride it out? That clearly isn't happening ! Start sorting your finances.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/03/2019 19:36

Please don’t feel lonely as a single parent.

I can only go by the single parents I know. (I know loads more single parents than married parents)

My single parent friends are having a ball. They are out and about every other weekend.

They do as they please with the children.
They don’t have to listen to anyone moaning if they haven’t washed up or they have made a huge fort with sheets in the middle of the living room and had a sleep over with their children in the makeshift tent.

The lonely ones are those that are unhappily married

TapasForTwo · 20/03/2019 20:42

The lonely ones are those that are unhappily married

This ^^

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