To ask you how older mothers REALLY think about younger mothers

[Flyingfish2019]

I am much younger than most of the mothers of my children’s friends and look even younger than I am. I wonder how other mums think of that.

If I am brutally honest I do think ‘it’s not a choice I would make’ but I equally know that many people look at me, an older mother (only child born when I was 43) and think ‘that’s not a choice I would make’

This x 100. I wouldn't swap with a young mum as I had a lot of freedom in my 20s. But truthfully I know they wouldnt swap with me in a million years. Mid forties and still getting up with a toddler in the middle of the night and up to my armpits in pooey nappies. All whilst having to wear varifocals cos I'm so damn old. 🤓

ThumbWitchesAbroad has nailed it.

Totally my experience

My friend is expecting her first now at the age of 42 and she also feels like she’s won the lottery. She didn’t meet the right partner till later in life. It wasn’t a choice.

I think a lot of people assume women have a choice. Many don’t really. I’d probably have had mine earlier if my dh had been ready.

I was a Yong mum, I felt like everyone was judging me all the time. People were nice to me but I knew what a lot of people thought because of how they said things. I was 18 when my ds was born so I always wonder how even younger mothers feel because I know I felt ashamed.

I imagine they have much more energy than me!

I’d feel sorry for them if they were

im not an older mum, but I am a mum to an 11 year old, I have friends who are 10 years older than me, with kids 6-7 years younger than my DD. In the first few years, it does seem to make a difference, parents do sort of discuss it (or it was a topic of conversation when DD was 1/2/3 and at that point I can understand why it was a bit of a barrier to making friends, I wasnt in the same financial situation as most of the other parents I met)

But the past few years, it hasnt made one blind bit of difference, its only when age comes up, that there are people who say, GOD! YOURE YOUNG!!! and conversation moves on, or when another parent says, oh yeah, youre the same age as my eldest, but theres no real judgement that happens.

What is there really to judge? As long as you appear to be managing parenting responsibilities well, theres really no reason for people to draw any conclusion due to your age.

I had youngest DC when I was 40yo. Does that make me "older"? Sometimes I get chatting 2 someone nice at the primary school & they turn out to be a grandmother(!)

My mother & grandmothers were 17/18yo & married with 1-2 babies by 19yo. Two of my friends growing up had first babies at age 15 or 17. Is that young enough? They were great people who did their best.

I have one friend (mid 30s) who will break off a convo to check her phone. This is funny & odd to people of my vintage. Must be generational. Life would be so boring if we weren't all different.

I was one of few older mothers (in our 40s whilst children at primary) at our school.
The very young ones (looked early 20s), I thought it was a bit of a shame they had the responsibility of children so young. But otherwise, provided they seemed to be treating their children well, I didn't have many thoughts one way or another.

I’ve noticed a lot of segregation by age in my area. I don’t think this is necessarily conscious but I see groups of 40 somethings and groups of younger ones as well as groups that seem to be mid to late 20s to mid 30s.

Broadly it seems to be financially easier the older and more established in careers you are but more of my older friends have had issues with fertility or are juggling children and older parents. I don’t think there is necessarily a right time to have children but I do think people are naturally drawn to others that are at a similar life stage or have similar issues to deal with.

Mostly I'm just envious of their energy levels, their fitter bodies and the fact that when their children leave home they'll be young enough to enjoy it!

I’ve been both a younger and an early thirties mum. I don’t judge anyone, but I occasionally find the attitude I’ve heard a few times of ‘I wanted to do xxxx first and my children are so special to me because I waited for them’ annoying. Obviously not all older mums say it, but I’ve heard it a fair few times. Mine weren’t disposable because I wasn’t yet twenty, nor was I looking at them wishing I was on a Thai island instead. I’ve loved having them, I haven’t felt I’ve missed out- we were young and did all sorts with them and we maybe a bit more free and liberal with the kids! They travelled, stayed up and we’d go on adventures with them. They went to the odd party and we were at times v silly with them (but safe!). I now have a giggle in my thirties with teenagers and some pleasant company. It’s just a different life choice, balancing career development wasn’t easy at points- but I’d say easily worth it. If anything I progressed well with the motivation of nursery fees and mortgages...

I don't really notice unless they are exceptionally young (eg 18 with a 4 year old).

Also the ones I had young- I snapped back to a size 8 in a few weeks. I honestly wondered what all
The fuss about body changes was about- oh I found out with the one I had at 33 what it was like!

Yes, tbf, I have noticed that all the women I know who have had their first children in their 40s, seem to have a lot more financial security. I always thought I could have children first and focus on career later, but I actually think that unless you have really good family support, that is not realistic. Since we have none, it is impossible and I have little choice but to stay at home with dcs as childcare is prohibitively expensive on an entry level salary.

I feel envious.

I am an older Mum but only because infertility got in the way. I panic when I think about how old I will be when my children are adults and how little I will see of any grandchildren.

People are individuals, not amorphous group members. I would no more form a blanket opinion of "younger mothers" than I would of "older mothers" or "people with size 6 feet."

Sorry if some sad sack has given you grief over being a "younger mother", but honestly, that's their problem, not yours, and most people are far too busy getting on with their own lives to waste time on passing judgement on other people. Yes, there are undoubtedly judgemental twats out there, and they can make the atmosphere (particularly in groups) pretty unpleasant, but you just have to keep reminding yourself that they are in a minority.

Also, re women in their 40s having more financial security; that could also have something to do with them being born ten years earlier than I was. I graduated in 2008 when there was the financial crash, so had fewer job opportunities. Also, house prices soared when we were ready to buy a house, whereas people ten years older bought when things were cheaper and in some cases made a killing when they sold their tiny flats in Fulham to buy a massive house in Surrey.

I am a young mum. I’m 24 (married to partner of 8 years) with children 3 years old (with SEN) and 1 years old.

I don’t feel judged. I am sure people may think it but i’ve never had any comments about it. Elderly people are not especially lovely to us.
Most of my mum friends are 40’s but i think the SEN parentscircle are particularly inclusive and lovely.

I should imagine most are too busy being a mum to think about what other mums are doing or when. All mums have being a mum in common, in my opinion. Age doesn't come into it

It's best to time it so you're not reaching meno whilst your child (particularly dd) hits puberty. That's horrific.

I think many people who feel judged are projecting.

I wanted to do a lot of things first with DH, it's not about you, it's about us, it doesn't mean I judge because you had other priorities.

I also wouldn't have had kids before getting married, for many reasons but I also wanted a big white wedding with all the trimmings. It doesn't mean I believe everybody should do the same!

Some people are happy being in their 40s with adult children. That's not my choice, neither of us are wrong.

Life is very different with children, I am glad I experienced a lot of my life before they arrived. It's very personal. It's only sad when circumstances are wrong, as long as it's your own decision, who cares what other people might think.

i don’t think it registers much more than race, religion, culture, etc. What am I supposed to be gathering from someone being younger than me?

I didn't meet my DP till I was 39. No choice for me.
Ideally, I would have had children sooner, but I had a great time in my 20s and 30s that I would definitely not have had after DC. (travelling abroad for work etc)
I sometimes look at younger mothers and think - you could be my daughter!

I will say it’s so much harder saving for a mortgage while renting with kids. If i had done one thing it differently it would be to have saved for a mortgage before kids. But i don’t think a house is the crux of all things and i sometimes like the flexibility of renting