To think this will destroy our marriage

[skunkatanka]

Feeling pretty low at the moment. We've been married for nearly 20 years and have two children, youngest is 4. We don't have much support around us- we are older parents and so have older still grandparents who are not in a position to give us time off. As such we haven't had a night out as a couple for 12 years- no exaggeration.

We haven't stressed about this though and have just made the most of evenings when the kids are in bed. However, recently more and more every time he puts our daughter to bed he falls asleep on her floor and doesn't appear downstairs until late when any hope of an evening together has gone. He's done this the last two nights and hasn't emerged yet tonight (he's done a few bedtimes in a row for various reasons). This seems to have become his routine. I have mentioned it to him but it continues.

Added to this, he shows me no affection whatsoever. Never says he loves me, never touches me in any way- to hold my hand or even give me a peck on the cheek before I go to work. We haven't had sex since well before Christmas.
He's a great dad who dotes on the kids and a good husband in the sense that he'll cook meals and do his bit around the house etc. I just feel that we've become friends only and even that is questionable given that we now spend so little time together.

We're in our 40s and I feel so lonely. It would destroy our children to break up the home in which they are loved. We don't argue etc, there's no animosity and it would be a huge shock to everyone if we split up. I also don't want to be a part time parent- sharing Christmas etc etc. I know many do it but I just couldn't face that.

How do I fix this MNetters? Can I fix it?
Sorry for ramble. It's good to get it off my chest.

It doesn't sound beyond fixing. Is he feeling ok? Being regularly so tired he falls asleep early evening doesn't sound normal.

You are married and have children, you must be prepared to gamble asking him if he is happy.
He may say no, but at least you’d know.
Falling asleep on the floor shows he is exhausted, gently wake and invite him to bed, not for shags but cuddles and sleep. Could it be possible to reconnect? Or do you think it’s deeper than that??

Sounds to me like he is just really tired.. Could it be something at work that is making him more tired or has he got more on than usual?
Maybe even suggest visiting your GP if he's that tired just to check nothing is wrong?
As for him not being as affectionate and you not being able to spend as much time together is there no way either of your parents could watch the kids for a few hours one night a month so you get some time to yourselves? You could have a date night or just spend some proper time together.
Sounds to me like he's struggling with something and it might not necessarily be you.

Why don't you pay for a babysitter? Being parents doesn't mean you can't go out and have fun together.

I would probably look into couples counselling and check there’s no medical issue that’s causing the change in your husband (tiredness, lack of sex drive etc).

Is there money available for babysitters so you can go out, or do you struggle to find them? Most of mine are contacts from church or older children of parents known through school. Ask around if your DS is at school; also perhaps try to get involved in school or local events, so you can meet more parents and build a support network. Assuming that’s all available; we’re lucky that my DCs’ schools provide lots of events for socialising but not all do or can.

I hope it works out for you x

I think he's tired from the usual stuff that makes us all tired. We both have full time, responsible jobs and two kids, one of which is a usual no limits 4 year old. I've recently had surgery which has meant he's done more than his fair share of child care. It's reasonable that he's tired- I am too but the effect on any sort of relationship is dire.

The lack of affection has gone on for a long time to be honest. I suppose the lack of conversation just makes it seem worse.

We could afford a babysitter but wouldn't feel comfortable leaving our kids with strangers and nor would they being left with them. It's just never been something we could consider. Family are all in their late 70s and also live a distance away from us. They've never offered and we've never asked. It's never been an issue as we've been happy enough making the most of our time when the kids were in bed but we don't have that now either it seems.

This sounds quite usual for parents of young children and working full time, plus an operation will effect your relationship. This too shall pass, everything changes, I remember the time you decribe and it makes me certain I could never have another child, it bloody tough, be kind to yourself and your dh. Little things, little things to show you care. If you do. It gets easier.

We also had none to support us, older parents, shit family, and did nothing for years and years jistcthe two of us. Sitters are a great agency, take a look at the site, I used to arrange a sitter, have a bath, don’t leave the house, let the children get to know her. It took a few times and eventually we went out for a meal. Never looked back. Seriously, your children are young, you can not never go out.

We use sitters agency. Honestly never had a problem. You could always book them for a couple of hours in the afternoon to get used to the idea.

Actually it’s not normal for couples to not go out together at all in 12 years. No wonder things have drifted. You need to reconsider your views on babysitters because who the fuck wants a life of wake up, work, kids, tv, bed, You have to have fun.

Believe me you will be a hell of a lot lonelier with 2 kids, no husband and no support so if he won’t put the effort in then you need to else you will end up divorced.

I have been in your position and we did divorce. It’s shit so I would urge you to talk and to take steps to rekindle things before it is too late.

Your partner honestly sounds like a good Huby and a great dad. The problems that you are having do seem fixable. You both need to sit down and talk to each other about how you are feeling. We all go through periods of extreme exhaustion but this does not have to affect your relationship.

Me and my partner are like you in the way that we don't have any help with our children and we don't feel comfortable leaving them with a baby sitter. However this doesn't stop us from setting aside one evening per week where we do something nice together at home when the kids are in bed.

If you divorce you will have no option but to use sitters, nursery or childminders to help with childcare and will spend much more time alone at night so why not change your mind about this now, find someone reliable when it has the chance to make something good happen.

In between going out you need to find a joint hobby or habit to do together at home. Learn card games and play, have a glass of wine and talk every night at 8.30pm, do a daily crossword or plan a garden together in the evenings... something...

Who looks after your youngest during the day, or either of them in school holidays? Perhaps they could babysit for you one evening, or ask another mum if they fancy taking turns to have nights out.

You have to give to receive. You say your husband shows you no affection, but are you also doing the same?

It's easy to get trapped into a work/kids/housework routine, but it's worth remembering who you are as couple.

Start with the little things - don't wait for him to make the first move all the time, if you want a kiss before leaving for work then take the initiative!

You need to find a good, trusted babysitter. Can you ask at your daughter's preschool? Or do you know a childminder? Someone who has all the qualifications and checks and put your mind at rest. Then get out together - at least once a month, preferably more. And please get your husband to get a thorough check up at the GP - there could be an underlying cause for his tiredness. You just need to reconnect, you can do it!

Not feeling comfortable with leaving your kids with other people is not really helping!

He sounds knackered.
Then again, what has he to stay awake for?

skunkatanka how about you both take a day off during the week when the kids are at school/ nursery.

Honestly, he just sounds really tired and worn out. Could you plan a nice date night (even staying in) and then letting him know?

If you're feeling better, would you be able to take on more of the chores again?

And last but not least, is he potentially suffering from anaemia/ vitamin deficiency/ asthenia especially as winter is just ending?

Do they go to nursery? I am sure our nursery staff would babysit on some evenings for extra pay. We never used them but would work well because you would know them, they would be trained and know the child x

He’s obviously tired, that’s hardly grounds for divorce.

Sorry op but are you usually prone to such melodrama?

Pay for a babysitter if you want a night out, being parents to young children is bloody exhausting at least your Oh does his share.

To be honest you've done well to keep it going 12 years without anytime at all away from the kids together! Nights in with the kids in bed is nothing like a bit of freedom together.

And this?
I also don't want to be a part time parent- sharing Christmas etc etc. I know many do it but I just couldn't face that.
Sorry, but that is a really mean thing to say.
I hope life treats you well.

Can you not both book a days holliday off here and there and go out for the day? X

You need to look into sitters It's important for you as a couple but also important for your kids (to have happy parents but also to have other adults around who care for them)