To think this will destroy our marriage

[skunkatanka]

Feeling pretty low at the moment. We've been married for nearly 20 years and have two children, youngest is 4. We don't have much support around us- we are older parents and so have older still grandparents who are not in a position to give us time off. As such we haven't had a night out as a couple for 12 years- no exaggeration.

We haven't stressed about this though and have just made the most of evenings when the kids are in bed. However, recently more and more every time he puts our daughter to bed he falls asleep on her floor and doesn't appear downstairs until late when any hope of an evening together has gone. He's done this the last two nights and hasn't emerged yet tonight (he's done a few bedtimes in a row for various reasons). This seems to have become his routine. I have mentioned it to him but it continues.

Added to this, he shows me no affection whatsoever. Never says he loves me, never touches me in any way- to hold my hand or even give me a peck on the cheek before I go to work. We haven't had sex since well before Christmas.
He's a great dad who dotes on the kids and a good husband in the sense that he'll cook meals and do his bit around the house etc. I just feel that we've become friends only and even that is questionable given that we now spend so little time together.

We're in our 40s and I feel so lonely. It would destroy our children to break up the home in which they are loved. We don't argue etc, there's no animosity and it would be a huge shock to everyone if we split up. I also don't want to be a part time parent- sharing Christmas etc etc. I know many do it but I just couldn't face that.

How do I fix this MNetters? Can I fix it?
Sorry for ramble. It's good to get it off my chest.

The OP's DH fell asleep several nights in a row and the question is whether she is BU to think this will destroy their marriage?

A lot of PPs on this thread have given good, compassionate advice, but it also sounds like there is some catastrophising which is not constructive, as well as trying to assign blame (DH's actions are destroying the marriage). A more positive, more charitable, more proactive outlook will help in turning things in the right direction.

could afford a babysitter but wouldn't feel comfortable leaving our kids with strangers and nor would they being left with them.

Honestly, OP, there are plenty of kind and caring babysitters who'd do a great job. We live in a city with several universities and have hired four lovely students over the years who got to know our children well and I think they all enjoyed the experience. As a PP mentioned, we started by having a new sitter come a few times while we stayed at home, to let them get to know each other - and we could set out the ground rules and answer any questions. When we felt everyone was comfortable, DH and I would take the dog for a walk; the next time we'd go for a coffee and a chat at the cafe up the road; finally, we'd graduate to a meal locally, etc.

Now our two are older (13 & 10) with their own social lives, we can many things independently. You and your DH really must make a little time for each other now, though, it's worth it in the long run.

You need to talk about it together and find a way to fix it. Start putting your relationship first.

DH and I are both late 30s, kids aged 5 and 3. We both work full time and frankly most weeknights we're ready for bed by 9pm. But we make an effort even if it's just cuddling up watching telly together.

Our relationship did go through a really bad patch, mainly when I worked evenings and we really were like passing ships in the night. But with a lot of talking, making an effort and focusing on our relationship, we are in a better place.

The biggest thing is getting time to ourselves alone. We are fortunate, my parents can still help out (both 70 this year) and SIL will take them in the day if we want a day out. DH has days off in the week, so we have also used leave etc to get time to spend together.

Thanks lots for all your replies which are far more optimistic than I feel. Just to answer some of the questions, my youngest is 4 and is at school. Eldest is 12. I am a teacher so taking annual leave to give us days out isn't a an option. We have never had to use childcare for school holidays because I get them off.

I do think he's carried the workload more because of my op but I am the one who has had the op! I am back at work and also pretty exhausted from that.

I will talk to him about the GP. However, he's not helping himself- it's 7.40 and the kids are still asleep but he's up. No wonder he's tired later if he doesn't give himself a lie in when he can.
By the way, to the poster who suggested leaving the two kids alone at home together, there's no way I'd do that. My 12 year old is very sensible but I wouldn't give her the responsibility of looking after a 4 year old. I'm surprised at that suggestion to be honest.

Re the making an effort in the evenings, that is exactly how we've been up until the last few weeks and it's been fine. However, being on my own downstairs while he's snoring away on my daughter's floor has become the new normal. By the time he emerges it's too late for anything. On my nights for doing bedtime he is always awake when I come back down.

Agree with so many others that you need to find a babysitter. I use sitters and have had the same reliable wonderful babysitter for over 14 years now.

Prioritising going out and your marriage is very important.

I am an early riser and don't ever do lie-ins as would rather go to bed early. But I would definitely check with your husband if he is ok or feeling unusually tired. Although I used to find that bedtimes would make me feel sleepy - all that quiet and bedtime stories is quite soporific.

• He sounds knackered. Then again, what has he to stay awake for?*

Thanks for this. You're right. Probably nothing.

Honestly you need to get over your fear of baby sitters. Thousands of people use them all over the world.

I don't think you guys are doing yourself any favours with the 'no strangers' rule. Plenty of people use babysitters. These days there are loads of options for agencies with all CRB-checked people. If getting child-free time together is something you've identified is a problem, then surely you should be trying to look at ways you can fix that.

Incidentally I don't think 7.40am is a crazy early time to get up even on a Sunday. Some people don't like lie-ins - I seem to have gone off them as I've got older.

You NEED to get some time out together. Don't you have any friends that would babysit? A couple of hours once a fortnight could
probably make a world of difference.

I agree with you OP that leaving the 12 year old in charge of the 4 year old is an appalling idea. But i don’t get your fear of babysitters. Presumably you use childcare before and after school? Unless you’re the only teacher in the country who can rock up after dropping your kids off and leave in time to pick them up! Just organise and pay for a babysitter like every other parent who doesn’t have relatives on the doorstep does

I used to fall asleep putting the kids to bed. Just exhaustion.

Dh took over as he doesn't.

Sounds to me like a phase. Or, are you sensing something else? Or, overthinking?

Hard to know. I don't think there's automatically something wrong just because someone falls asleep putting a child to bed.

My boss has no family in the area. He asked around at work and is using a colleagues daughter who is training to be a children’s nurse as a babysitter. Kids are 3 and 8. They just pop out to the pub round the corner for a meal and a couple of drinks.

I think it’s great for kids to see that their parents go out together on their own sometimes.

I also used to hate leaving my kids with other people. Then one of my friends pointed out that other people leave their kids with me every day (I’m also a teacher). We now have a network of people we can call on - some of them initially found through an agency (all DBS checked, qualified teachers or childcare professionals), and some of them the parents of our children’s friends (who we also sit for). Since the start of this year we’ve been out weekly. It has undoubtedly saved my marriage. Try it. Please.

We could afford a babysitter but wouldn't feel comfortable leaving our kids with strangers and nor would they being left with them. It's just never been something we could consider

Then what the fuck did you think being a parent would be like if you’ll never leave your children???

I think this is a pretty shit way of parenting and doesn’t set your children up well at all.

Do you think it would be better for your children to be babysat occasionally so you and your husband could reconnect as a couple... or for you to break up which seems to be what your suggesting.

if you’re used to getting up at 7.40 during the week, it’s not unusual to maintain that body clock at the weekend.

It seems a bit mad to refuse to consider the babysitting option. Why would it have to be a stranger? Do you really have no friends or work colleagues you would trust to leave your children with? After all, you are trusting strangers to look after them every time you send them to school.

it’s a weird MN myth that people leave their children with strangers. It’s usually mentioned in a judgemental way.

The reality is - you do your preparation, advertise, ask around and then organise a ‘settling’ session or two. When I returned to work first time round, I started by getting a list of childminders from my county council (this was back in the day when i phoned them and got posted a list!) i then visited, interviewed and when I selected one, did several visits where I stayed with my baby. Honestly, no one knocks on some random strangers door and hand their kid over!

I don’t think you need to go out at night, my parents didn’t when I was young (DDd needed his bed at 6pm) and we don’t either, I do however think you need to get DH to go to GP for check-up. Once you know physically he’s alright surely you can chat to him about how you are feeling? There are plenty of evenings my DH and I are in separate rooms as I like to read in evenings - if he felt lonely I’d be hurt if he didn’t feel he could talk to me...though we always cuddle in bed at end of day, is it more the lack of affection that is getting to you?

If you work in a school, there will be a TA who wants extra cash. I find it odd that your 12 year old has never been left with a babysitter. Surely he/she can text or ring you with a problem 🤷‍♀️

What time do you both go to bed?

I’ve got into a cycle of falling asleep with DD at bedtime. DH is often back late from work so I’m not missing time with him, he comes and wakes me when he gets in. But the problem that because I’ve had that sleep in the evening, I struggle to get to sleep at our bedtime and so often stay up till midnight or later. Then of course I’m tired again the next evening and fall asleep with DD again....

Is he in this cycle perhaps? I really need to get out of it!

And I agree it does seem extremely poor parenting to consider breaking up a 20 year fundamentally harmonious marriage rather than book a babysitter now and then to enable you to reconnect

OP it all sounds very insular, you make no mention of friends, or socialising separately, or of anything outside your family of 4.
Perhaps you having had an operation has just tipped things over and he's feeling suffocated, I know I absolutely would living my life in 4 walls with the exception of work.
Maybe tents have a good open chat. You've a long time left as parents of children, you need to open your horizons a bit

I relate to the OP in many ways and I also understand her not wanting to leave her kids with a stranger. I’ve never wanted to do that either. It’s not a criticism of those that do - it’s just you have to do what makes you feel comfortable with your own children.

Did you not notice that the OP is thinking of ending her marriage and one of the reasons is because she and her DH haven’t been out socially in 12 years?

Surely that’s a good enough reason to take yourself out of your comfort zone about babysitters.

Don't be ridiculous. Your relationship needs attention, couple time at least once or twice a month, and I suggest time apart.doesn't have to be expensive, a walk, cinema with friends. Don't you spend time with other couples, or young families?