To think this will destroy our marriage

[skunkatanka]

Feeling pretty low at the moment. We've been married for nearly 20 years and have two children, youngest is 4. We don't have much support around us- we are older parents and so have older still grandparents who are not in a position to give us time off. As such we haven't had a night out as a couple for 12 years- no exaggeration.

We haven't stressed about this though and have just made the most of evenings when the kids are in bed. However, recently more and more every time he puts our daughter to bed he falls asleep on her floor and doesn't appear downstairs until late when any hope of an evening together has gone. He's done this the last two nights and hasn't emerged yet tonight (he's done a few bedtimes in a row for various reasons). This seems to have become his routine. I have mentioned it to him but it continues.

Added to this, he shows me no affection whatsoever. Never says he loves me, never touches me in any way- to hold my hand or even give me a peck on the cheek before I go to work. We haven't had sex since well before Christmas.
He's a great dad who dotes on the kids and a good husband in the sense that he'll cook meals and do his bit around the house etc. I just feel that we've become friends only and even that is questionable given that we now spend so little time together.

We're in our 40s and I feel so lonely. It would destroy our children to break up the home in which they are loved. We don't argue etc, there's no animosity and it would be a huge shock to everyone if we split up. I also don't want to be a part time parent- sharing Christmas etc etc. I know many do it but I just couldn't face that.

How do I fix this MNetters? Can I fix it?
Sorry for ramble. It's good to get it off my chest.

Our gym has a playgym there open till about 9 pm all qualified staff / minders and you can see them through the glass. They have ipads etc for the older kids.
Is there anything like this near you? .
You could go for a swim / sauna while the kids entertain themselves. X

Do you have any friends you would trust with the DC? My friends and I do babysitting swaps for each other.

Do you never make an affectionate gesture first, rather than leaving it to him? I pat dp on the bum as I go past him in the kitchen, or give his shoulder a little rub if he's sitting in a chair.

If he's falling asleep like that, something is wrong, and there's a good chance that it's medical. It could just be sheer exhaustion, and you don't say what his job is, but a man in his 40s shouldn't be falling asleep like that. I had those kind of experiences, and there were things medically wrong, even though it took years of working on doctors and chasing several blind alleys before I got correctly diagnosed.

Lack of affection: if someone shows that level of tiredness then affection tends to be one of the things that goes first, as the body starts conserving its limited energies. But, as others have commented, are you sure that you haven't done anything to discourage him? My DW is very good at that and most of the time she doesn't even realise she is doing it.

We used to use a sitter who was a professionally trained Nanny by day (through an agency). She was extremely professional, faultless, probably better at looking after my precious DD than me. I would urge you to consider this.

You're not doing your DC any favours not leaving them with babysitters! Why are you being so precious about this? You could start with one hour away perhaps.

How old is your oldest? Because if they are 12, even 11, surely that is old enough for the oldest to stay alone for a few hours and babysit for their sibling, and make some pocket money at the same time? Reminds me of Jessi and Mallory in The Babysitters Club books.

He sounds knackered as do you. If you haven't had a night off in 12 years that's ridiculous just get a babysitter. After the 4 yo is in bed if necessary.

If your DH is falling asleep during the evening he is tired, poor guy. You admit you are older parents and , lets face it , looking after young children is knackering.
You have decided not to go out without the children so you have to make the best of the status quo.marriage can be lonely but it is unlikely to be as lonely as being alone and unable to go out etc.
Snuggle up to your DH, spoil him a bit, have a few simple treats together , plan days out for you all and try to remember to enjoy yourselves. I am sure you can learn to appreciate him again. Marriage is about coping with life and sharing problems more than anything else.

Your dh is so tired he falls asleep on the floor and you’re complaining he’s ruining your evenings?

You need to work out why he’s so tired, if it’s just sheer exhaustion from the recent extra workload, you need to try and step up your share of the workload for a bit to give him a chance to catch up on rest.If you can’t step up and give him a rest because of your recent surgery, you at least need to give him a break emotionally and show him a little empathy.

I’d also be worried that there’s something else going on, either stress or poor sleep or something medical and be having a conversation about that.

As to the lack of affection whether that’s just due to his exhaustion or something deeper like your lack of sympathy towards him you won’t really know until you address whatever’s making him so exhausted.

Hi folks. I'm a grandma and interested to see what's happening with my daughter's generation. Nothing seems to have changed much except you have the option to discuss your concerns and worries anonymously here. A very good thing imho. And speaking of abbreviations (sorry I forget what the actual word is 🤔) is there somewhere I can look up all of these commonly used here ? I am at a loss. e.g.Aibu ? Help please !

He needs to get to the GP and have the tiredness investigated. He could be diabetic for a start. Then book a lovely holiday, somewhere with kids clubs and book some nights out. What do you think will happen to your kids if you leave them with a properly vetted babysitter? You must have another mum friend you could ask?

Does your 4yo go to nursery? A lot of nursery nurses do babysitting too for the standard rate (around £8/h here but of course it varies). Added advantage that you know them, your DC knows them, they know the kids, you know where they work, that they childcare experienced and that they are CRB checked etc. Worth asking.

Sounds to me perfectly normal, easy to drop asleep/not feel bothered sexually.

AIBU - am I being unreasonable? Reiki

Nothing to add, but just wanted to send some support. We are in our later 40s with a one and two year old, plus (needy) parents in their 70s. Like you, the children are our everything and we’ve not been out in the evening since they arrived. It’s bloody hard. Not there yet, but I could so easily be writing your post

Ps Yikesanotherbooboo speaks a lot of sense.

Given you are older parents I would be concerned about whether he has type 2 diabetes. Untreated this can affect your mood as well. So first thing is to persuade him to go to GP and get checked out.

reiki21

acronym list

Hope this helps

Not really any advice to give although I just wanted to say I relate to the OP in many ways and I also understand her not wanting to leave her kids with a stranger. I’ve never wanted to do that either. It’s not a criticism of those that do - it’s just you have to do what makes you feel comfortable with your own children.

Your marriage isn't dead by a long way. Be the change you want. I understand you have concerns about babysitters. I have the same. But you also need to sort your marriage out - for you, for him. And your children.

I hate to say it but get yourself a blow dry, put on some lipstick and insist on having time together. Please do it. Because then you know you have tried.

Have you thought about doing something all together, if you can't do babysitters. Time to road trip, be different, be open to change.

I don’t think you are in a much more different boat than couples who have moved away with work or other reasons.

You are tired, it is pretty normal. When my child was 4 a hectic day at work was more relaxed than a Saturday with him. I understand that you prefer not to leave them with baby sitters but, you need to put your relationship first for the sake of your children.

I started raising my child single handedly when he was four. I cannot stress hard enough how important it is that they have a routine and go to bed in time. My child had a significant array of health problems so I didn’t want to use a baby sitter either, but the fact he was in bed at 7 meant that I could invite people in for a cup of tea, dinner, book clubs and allow my life to continue even if I was stuck at home. It also allowed me some time on my own to be myself, for adult conversations and to develop a new relationship.

I would say that is perhaps the first step... clear some time of distractions in a daily basis to touch base with yourselves and each other.

There was a bit of advice from Stephen Biddulph (I know...) that I have found amazingly useful. It says that when you finally meet at home at the end of the day, to put cartoons on tv or give the children something to distract your children with for half an hour so you can talk about your day, have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and catch up with each other before you are too tired to do so later in the night.

That half an hour does wonders for your relationship, and doesn’t make much difference to the kids. I would suggest you try to make that time for each other before you end up with nothing to talk about.

@OhMyfoodness the op wasn't being mean, it wasn't a criticism of separated parents it was obviously just a fear of hers, the thought of not being with her kids all the time. Your comment however of 'then again, what has he to stay awake for?' was mean as you know nothing about her
OP, I'm with you on the babysitting front, my kids would hate it too and I wouldn't feel comfortable with strangers either. But I think the idea of having one around when you are there a few times is a good one if you can afford it, make it so they aren't strangers when you do eventually leave them
Also, my dh does the same, falls asleep on the floor but I go and wake him before he's in too deep and he does the same for me. With sex, I'm a strong believer of use it or lose it. If it's been a while for whatever reason, the desire goes a bit and if he's tired this won't help. Make the first move and hopefully after a few times of doing this, he'll remember what he's missing, this worked for us when I lost interest for a bit after the birth of our 3rd. My dh isn't romantic or touchy feely either but he makes up for this in so many other ways and it sounds like yours does too. Give it time, wake him up and initiate things yourself and I'm sure you'll be fine long term

Sit him down, tell him you love him and you are worried about him being so tired. At this point don't go on about your marriage, just that you are concerned about his health.

He needs a complete physical, bloodwork, etc. If he's in his 40s it's prime time for problems to start surfacing. Is he getting good sleep and/or does he snore? My DH was diagnosed with Sleep Apnoea in his 40s. Getting a CPAP really increased his energy levels because he was finally getting good sleep.

If he gets the all clear physically, then it's time to talk about the health of your marriage.

12 years??? No wonder ypur marriage feels like it does.

Pay for a babysitting service?
Book the odd day of annual leave to spend together?

After having children you still need to make time for each other or your heading for a failed relationship