Unreasonable 14 year old - or is it me ?

[TAMumof3]

My 14 year old son has just swanned in from Tae kwon do practice, ignored the steak bake I've warmed for him for lunch and started cooking bacon and eggs for himself without asking.

He regularly does this - just help himself to whatever food he likes.

I'm particularly pissed off today as I'm just back from a trip from hell to Lidl and have shopped, unpack and written menu and stuck it on the fridge for the week.

Have had a go at him but he refused to stop cooking, left the kitchen in a mess and has now stropped off to bedroom to play computer games .... I have no idea how to parent this.

I dont agree with the asking for food at home as such, I would want my 14year old to know its their home and feel comfortable to go get food from the fridge etc but I understand the clearing up part of your frustration

started cooking bacon and eggs for himself without asking.

Do you make your children ask for food? What a weird set up!

Be grateful your son can and will cook for himself, make sure he cleans up afterwards too and he will make a fantastic dad one day.

I can't imagine not being able to help myself to food in my own home at 14 years old. Seems a bit strict.

I actually don't think the OP being on a tight budget is relevant. The DSs actions are still rude. They still impact and he still needs to be told firmly. Not gently explained to that he is a big boy now, and so will have to start cleaning up after his big clever independent self.

We have bread spread and cheese that they can help themselves to anything else needs to be asked about in case it is needed for dinners baking etc. Even dp asks if somethings ok to eat before he does it as we are on a very tight budget.

He cooks for himself? You are lucky! You could ask him what he'd rather do on Taekwondo days (or in general) - either you will prepare food and he'll eat what you make, or he'll make his own (and wash up afterwards of course) You can explain about budgets and shopping and meal plans and agree on it.

My teens help themselves to food, but gone =gone

Bit miserable to have to ask for food.

I had to ask permission for food, even for a biscuit, even at 17

With hindsight that strikes me as weird and controlling from my parents

Mine's 14 and he knows what he can help himself to and what needs to be left alone for meals or asked if he can have. I do involve him as much as I can in what we're eating in the week but he's autistic and funny about some foods.
I'm not giving a teenager free run of the kitchen but I do try to let him have some autonomy. His big sis sorted most meals out herself at 14.

Maybe there needs to be more discussion about what food is on offer - did you ask your son why he didn't want the steak bake?

TBH, maybe he's fed up of junk food or a steak bake just isn't enough after exercise. For the same money (or less) you could all have had beans on toast or some pasta with sauce - something much more filling for a teenage boy, for one thing. If your son is interested in cooking, why not harness that? Get him to think of some things he'd like to cook and get him involved in the budgeting. That way you're eating decent food instead of steak bakes, and he's contributing more to the running of the house.

I can't help but feel all this could have been avoided if you had just waited til he was home and asked him what he wanted for lunch. You could have then had a conversation along the lines of 'if you have your share of bacon and eggs now, you can't have it tomorrow'.

I've found as mine are older I've had to abandon preparing meals for a particular time on the weekend - particularly lunch and breakfast. They all get up at different times, have different schedules and therefore want food at different times. I usually ask if they're hungry and then give them a choice of x or y which I've bought within my budget. That way no food gets wasted but I'm not treating them like little kids by taking all choice of food away from them.

Kind of on the fence here. I’d be pissed if mine ate something that was intended for a dinner, or ate a week’s worth of snacks in one go when I’d just done the big shop.

But bacon, eggs, beans, yadda yadda can all be bought relatively cheaply, and I do make sure we have it all in at weekends for anyone to make themselves brunch with. Mine are also at the age of enjoying making themselves a bit of bacon of a Saturday morning.

Just ditch the pastries next week, and get more of the stuff that he actually seems to want. It’s not a bad thing at all to let him develop the life skills of making himself a meal.

You need to set a small part of the budget for free for all stuff and then separate the rest. If he eats something he shouldn't, then give him beans on toast when everyone else has something nicer.

You can get cheap bacon bits if you all like that.

If he leaves a mess, then take the Xbox or router cable until he cleans up.

Asking if he can use proper food (as opposed to grabbing a couple of biscuits) is definitely good manners, as is cleaning up.

We have pretty busy weekends and as our DC are getting older lunch as a prepared meal is disappearing so its a free for all, maybe time for a change in structure.

I grew up in a house where we had to ask before getting food. Like the op that was because we were very poor and the food often had very specific uses. We always had a pot on home made soup on the cooker - literally always - and that could be taken without asking. We could have fruit and sandwiches but only with certain fillings.

I think the OP’s first post was totally obvious if people have been there.

OP, you need to talk to him about managing this better. You can’t be going hungry because he doesn’t get how carefully things are balanced. Maybe work out what he likes to make for himself and see if that can always be in. Make sure he knows what foods are ok to take as and when he likes and he has to clean up after him

My mum was very moany growing up, not saying you are OP, and if we used anything from the kitchen as teens she would flip out. My sister used to sneak food and I myself ended up with an eating disorder. Not saying that’s what will happen in your home but just letting you know what went down when I was a teen.

If you are dealing with a budget then as others have said you need to sit him down and explain what is going on. Ask him to meal plan and shop with you. Maybe make up a list of snacks and lunches he can make for himself and stick them on the fridge.

I would be happy he knows how to cook himself something but he should obviously be cleaning up after himself. Does he usually, was this a one off as he was getting moaned at?

A good way to help cut down on the budget would be to ditch meat and dairy. That’s something we have done and it saves us a lot of money. I would be starving after just a steak bake type thing, something like wholeneal toast and beans would be more nutrious and filling and probably cost less than the steak bakes. A tin of beans from Lidl is about 30p which does two adults in my house and then some bread and butter for the toast.

I do think people don't realise what it's like to be on a low budget- if he's eaten all of the eggs and bacon where's the small treat for everyone else?!

I would be annoyed if my dc messed up the kitchen and didn't tidy it. I would also be annoyed if they used main meal ingredients without checking with me.
But a steak bake isn't really proper food after a work out and at his age he should be able to cook for himself a bit. I would also expect him to have input into what he wanted to eat during the week.
Try explaining the budget to him and finding out what he would like kept in for him to cook for himself at the weekends.

Well I guess yanbu. But tbh i would see it as a huge relief to not have to constantly cook for him. Just take the steak bake as a nice treat for yourself and let him get on with it no point making a drama out of it.

What cheshire said. I am sure op would love to have a house where food could be used freely and easily but she can’t.

On the other hand my 14 year old wouldn't know where to start cooking bacon and eggs so something's gone right!

Get him out of his bedroom to clear up.
Set a house rule that he asks before getting food.
Don’t pre prepare his lunch, or text to ask If he wants it.

That’s what I’d do.

Has he eaten all of them though or has he eaten his portion that the op intended to give him tomorrow?

Op still hasn't confirmed if the DS actually asked for the steak bake, or if she made the decision for him.

11yo just cooked & served self up oven chips & fish fingers.

If your son made a mess he should tidy up.

I'm not sure that 99p for 2 steak bake is something I'd want to eat, tbh! Can you link? Someone can eat steak-bake later, so shouldn't go to waste. I'm thinking eggs & bacon must be a lot more calories & lot more calories is what the lad needed.

If his food choices are too expensive or some foods must be reserved as special treats, then maybe come up with a system to reserve the expensive foods (DON'T TOUCH shelf in fridge?) and steer him towards cheap (oven chips, porridge or toast?), but don't stop him making own food. How do you expect him to get cooking skills without practice?

OP doesn't seem to say that the lad wasted any food. Just used the special treat expensive food & left a mess.

Meal planning doesn't sound great system if it's so inflexible that one order of eggs & Bacon throws the scheme into disarray.