Unreasonable 14 year old - or is it me ?

[TAMumof3]

My 14 year old son has just swanned in from Tae kwon do practice, ignored the steak bake I've warmed for him for lunch and started cooking bacon and eggs for himself without asking.

He regularly does this - just help himself to whatever food he likes.

I'm particularly pissed off today as I'm just back from a trip from hell to Lidl and have shopped, unpack and written menu and stuck it on the fridge for the week.

Have had a go at him but he refused to stop cooking, left the kitchen in a mess and has now stropped off to bedroom to play computer games .... I have no idea how to parent this.

Bacon and eggs is much more nutritious

Agreed and if he's been to Tae kwon do then he's probably hungry. I doubt the steak bake would have been sufficient to fill him up, if it were me i'd be raiding the cupboards with an hour.

I am really surprised at some of the responses in here. Yes, give your 14 year old some autonomy, but if his actions affect others (in this case a budget, a meal plan, his mother having to clean up) then the OP is NBU to be pissed off.

The whole thing about the steak bake being not good enough for some posters is also irrelevant. He had been provided food. Assuming the OP knows what her son likes. The DS is BU and a bit of git by not acknowledging it, eating it, thanking her and explaining he would prefer to do his own lunch next time, agreeing what beforehand and cleaning up after himself afterwards.

He isn't a precious little prince whose wants supercede everything around him!!!!

OP, in this case I would have given a proper telling off. Made him wash up after the next meal, and if he continues to play up, withdraw privileges, explaining succinctly why, and how he can get them back.

You could buy more eggs and leave the steak beaks off the menu completely if they’re not wanted

At 14 I would not have helped myself to anything without asking. Bloody hell. My mum budgeted and planned food down to the last penny and crumb, I was very very aware that we didn't have much spare cash and I respected that. I'm not saying I never whinged but I am very surprised at the people saying he should be allowed to choose whatever he wants to eat without asking.

I have a nearly 14 yo who never helps herself to food without asking, largely because she didn't when younger, and it is habit for her to ask. Actually however, I'm not sure it's great that she would never think of cooking for herself or making herself lunch without me doing it!

I've never heard of a "steak bake", but I just Googled and apparently it's something from Greggs. I think you should have waited until he came home and asked him if he wanted a steak bake rather than assume and warm one up for him.

definately don't send yours raound here thinking they can just waltz in and help themselves.

The difference being , mine have free access to food, it isn't rationed or given as reward, this is their home. I can assure you they don't 'waltz' anywhere and purloin random strangers fridges. Mind you, Ive never heard stories of their friends parents withholding food.

I think it's rude OP and I'd be really annoyed. If he didn't want the steak bake fair enough but I'd expect anyone in my family to say is it ok if I have bacon and eggs instead in case they were part of an upcoming meal. And to tidy up after themselves. I'm with the switch the WiFi off or whatever will inconvenience him enough until he clears up.

Oh, and the financial stuff is not a drip feed by OP. It's an explanation of the bleeding obvious to posters who I can only assume have never had to be careful about spending money on food.

This ^^

I am someone who runs to a budget and can't afford this. I am also very averse to wasting food (e.g. by somebody deciding last minute not to eat).

I do invite ds to take part in the weekly planning meeting, he knows when it is but can never be arsed to get out of bed for it. The menu then goes up on the fridge door so he can let us know in advance if he won't be eating something. And it does not include food items we know he doesn't eat.

In consequence he knows he has to ask before helping himself to something else.

We are not as short of money as we used to be, but certainly there was a time when a jar of sauce extra on a regular basis was too much for the budget.

I actually think it is good for young people to learn that resources are not unlimited and that waste carries an environmental cost as well as a financial one. You don't have to be nasty or emotional about it, just briskly practical.

It's not about it not being his home as much as mine; it's about the fact that I equally would not suddenly go and eat food intended for him to eat later, just because I just didn't fancy what was on offer at that particular moment. If he'd been looking forward to something I don't suppose he'd be delighted to hear that "sorry, I ate it all because I fancied it". It's my home as much as his.

It's only rude if he knows the situation with the budget. So yes, it is a bit of a drip feed.
Most mother's of teens I know would just be impressed he could find a pan and turn the hob on!

Also, bacon and eggs isn't a snack, it's a legit meal.

Would have been helpful to include the money thing in the OP as it's massively relevant.

I can see why you're annoyed, not cleaning up after cooking is fucking rude.

14 years old is too old though to have someone else dictate what you should eat and when - I appreciate that you're on a budget, but I suspect you've never really talked to him abou t it and you've shut previous protests down without explaining.

I'd use the opportunity to discuss food budgeting, and ask him to help with menu or food planning - something such as picking a number of lunch items that he can help himself to.

I'd sit him down and have a chat with him about it.

Tell him that you are really proud of him for having the skills and the independence to come in and cook for himself without expecting to be waited on.

Then explain the financial side of things - that you can't afford to make him things that get ignored or have him cook things that you might have earmarked for different meals. He won't realise that it means you are then short for food on other days - he's 14 - food just appears as far as he is concerned.

Tell him you'd like to support this growing independence and ask him what foods he'd like in the house that he can cook himself for lunch etc.

Explain that part of this independence means he also has to tidy/clean up after himself. And that his growing independence is clearly a bit of a learning curve for both of you.

Don't make it a 'telling off'; make it a "I'm proud that you are growing up to be a capable and independent young man" chat - because you should be proud of that.

Then respond accordingly.

Mine are 20 and 13 - both at home and I did similarly with my 20 year old (including the "I can't afford to keep the cupboards/fridge/freezer constantly stocked so that you can just eat your way through it. I'm not setting you a challenge when I fill the fridge for you to empty it as soon as possible!" speech...) My 13 yo has just started to do the same on nights where I get home just in time to take her to an activity - she feeds herself on those nights and I eat at work.

I think you're getting a bit of a rough ride here, OP. Cooking for yourself is good, but I think at 14 having an understanding of family budgets and what's planned for which food/meals is also important.
I agree that the solution is probably to involve him in meal planning. Can he take on a specific evening meal for the whole family? I was doing that sort of thing at that age.

It feels rude to me, given that I've worked for the some, shopped for the food etc - do you all really just let your kids help themselves ???

Yes. Money is a bit tight here too. So I get it. But if you dint fancy a steak bake you dont fancy a steak bake. Are you really saying the only food you have in, will for that menu exactly?

If so, He is 14 and is unlikely to realise the implications. Financially. He should clear up after himself, though.

I get that money is tight. But that's not the only issue. The fact that you think its rude for him to look in the fridge and make himself some lunch, says alot about the relationship.

Dp was out of work for a bit after his employer went under. I would not have dreamt of telling what he could and couldnt eat. He would know what meals I was planning and ensure there was enough for those things. But that's it. It's his home, it's my sons home. So yes, within reason they can eat the food I bought in.

Your first and main point was that he rude to make himself food. Not the money. And, honestly, I think a parent thinking its rude for a teenager to make themself some food is rude is very odd.

If i was out of work and dp was buying food and he told me it was a 50p steak bake or nothing, or said that to my son I woumd yell him to catch himself on.

The deal here is slightly different. There's lunch stuff that you can help yourself to. Ham cheese pasta noodles left overs etc. But unless your on your own you cook for everyone or at least propose what you're having.

Meal prep stuff you don't touch. And everyone does meal prep together. Thus allowing input and learning how to cook.

I'll ask when I do the shopping list if anyone wants to add stuff. They add things via Alexa when they've used the last.

It’s not rude IMO but if money is tight (and if you’ve explained this to him) then he should check whether what he’s about to cook is needed for a meal. Even my dd does this when home from uni; she just says “Mum, can I eat this or is it for dinner/tomorrow”. It’s just simple consideration when you are on a budget.

Also, he should absolutely clean up after himself.

Where YABU is if you’re making him ask every time he eats anything. It’s his home too and there should definitely be snacks/fruit etc that he can just grab without asking.

As long as he cleans up after himself then it's fine.
We plan the meals together for the evening and at lunchtime people choose whatever they want.

At 14 mine would have said "I don't really want XX, can I fix myself YY, please?", but they wouldn't have just walked by a meal waiting on the table for them without a word. Although lunches were pretty much a 'what do you want?' meal at our house on the weekends. And 100% he should clean up his mess!

If money is that tight, it's time for you to have a very frank discussion with your son about money and budgets. If he takes it in it will be a life lesson that will serve him well.

In the op it says op had

written menu and stuck it on the fridge for the week

what's the point of doing that, if it's not for other family members to check what the food is intended to be used for, before taking it?

And I don't see it as a dripfeed that op is on a tight budget. Isn't that normal for most families? I'd assume that everyone budgets catefully, whether it's because you are down to your last penny, or you're saving for a family holiday, or to buy a house, or just to build up some savings for emergencies, or whatever.

My God I'd never have helped myself to anything other than fruit in my mum's house.

Money was tight, meals were planned and if someone just decided to freestyle a meal then everyone else suffered, especially my poor mum how actually earned the money for us to eat and cooked and shopped for 99% of the food.

And woebetide if you left the kitchen in a mess.

I'd say he needs to know the value of money, that you shop on a budget and meals are planned for and if he eats something it's not there the next day, it doesn't just float down by magic from the supermarket.

Involve him in mealplanning - if he hates steakbakes and is never going to eat another let him say so - but he needs to know that you have £x per week for everyone and no more.

I'd be pissed off if my child took something that was planned for a meal too op. My lot know what they are and are not allowed to help themselves to from the fridge and are trained to clean up their mess after themselves too. Turn off the wifi until your kid cleans up after himself and apologises to you for being rude.