Unreasonable 14 year old - or is it me ?

[TAMumof3]

My 14 year old son has just swanned in from Tae kwon do practice, ignored the steak bake I've warmed for him for lunch and started cooking bacon and eggs for himself without asking.

He regularly does this - just help himself to whatever food he likes.

I'm particularly pissed off today as I'm just back from a trip from hell to Lidl and have shopped, unpack and written menu and stuck it on the fridge for the week.

Have had a go at him but he refused to stop cooking, left the kitchen in a mess and has now stropped off to bedroom to play computer games .... I have no idea how to parent this.

I dream that my children can cook.

I get it OP, the issue isn't the cooking for himself it's the cost of going off menu. Money was tight growing up but I loved cooking and due to other issues couldn't tolerate having food cooked for me. My mum got around that by saying Ok this week you have .... much money for shopping. What do you want to eat, how are you going to cook it and make it last till next week. And then my food would go into a boxes in the cupboard that I could cook anything I wanted. Provided I cleaned up and didn't help myself to whatever else had been bought unless I'd mentioned wanting some of the group meal before the shop was done. If I ran out of or spoiled the food that had been bought before the week was done I had to make do with cereal, toast, cheap sandwiches made from whatever was available that hadn't been meal planned or tinned soup.

I soon figured out how difficult it was but also that I loved it and didn't struggle half as much cooking and planning for myself on a budget at uni. It made things far easier in the long run tbh, but you'd have to be strict about what he is and isn't allowed to help himself to from non perishables and bread and things and sort out his share of veg and bread and milk and the like for the week. Now I'm only at home during the holidays so usually just do a food order for the holiday before I come home but if I pop back for a couple of days I always ask what I'm allowed to eat and what I'm not before cooking anything. We just don't have the money for me to be selfish and take what I want without thought. And as a child/teen this is incredibly frustrating and often upsetting to know that things need to be planned and asked for when your friends don't have to but that's life. It's got nothing to do with it being your home and you should be able to help yourself, common sense needs to come into play as well. Which is why allowing him to shop and cook for himself is a good way of sending the message home. Gives him free reign over what is his and enforces if you eat that now you can't have it later.

I haven't read the full thread so apologise if most of this has probably already been suggested.

First off, if he's doing tae twondo, have a chat with him about the tenets and how they should apply to life in general, not just in the dojo. (Or if you want to be really mean, ask the instructor to do that in class, although I wouldn't at that age). The main ones you should be seeing here are courtesy, self-control and integrity. Although, the main one I saw was way too much indomitable spirit ;-).

I have no problem with the kids helping themselves, within reason. That means they can have what they want from the stuff that is a free for all, like bread, fruit, yoghurt, cheese, eggs etc. However, they need to consider other people too. So if there are only 2 yoghurts left, they don't eat both. If there is something a bit unusual there, they check that it's not there for a reason.

However, I expect them to eat the meals they are provided with (within reason) and not to fill up on other stuff close to meal times. In the situation you describe, eating the bacon and eggs you had planned to use for another meal was not on. Leaving a mess was also not on.

Most 14 year olds can be reasoned with, but it requires lots of repetition. I would sit down and talk to him. Explain that money is tight and that you need him to get on board with your meal planning. Maybe get him to help with it.

My 16 meal old claims I am unbelievably cruel as I use the wi-fi as a stick to beat him with. He is told to do something (in your case, tidying up after himself). He is allowed a reasonable time delay, so if he says he will do it in 15 minutes when he's finished x, that's fine. he'll do it later is not. If it's not done by then, the wi-fi is turned off for him until it is done.

you are complaining because your 14 year old cooks for himself? Seriously? Stop cooking his food and let him do his own. Most people would LOVE their teenagers cooking.

I'd be pissed off he didn't clean up & the strop off. Turn off the WiFi til he does this. Have a chat re. budget meal planning etc if he wants to do his own especially on the w/e let him within budget reason.

I’m really surprised by the number of people who think it is fine for children to help themselves to whatever they want without asking! I’m in a similar position to the op and have to work to a budget, however even if I wasn’t I would still be annoyed if my kids did this!
Food is in the fridge to be eaten, with whatever meal it was bought for! I don’t just buy food on the off chance my kids, or husband, might like to use it as a snack. I’m sure I’m not the only person who has went to make a planned meal and found that one of the components has disappeared. Most posters here seem to think that’s not a problem, the food belongs to everyone. I do think it is a problem, it’s massively rude and by taking that item it has spoiled a meal for everyone!
Op I don’t think you are being unreasonable over this, but I think you are unreasonable expecting your son to eat crap food like a steak bake! I don’t buy crap like that. I could make homemade soup, omelette, toasties etc. for 3 for around £1.

Well said @Playmytune

I'd strip his bedroom of the computer / games console and leave him nothing but his bare arse to come home from school to find.

Just ignoring and deliberately helping himself to food when you've made a meal and asked him to eat that would rile me even if it were just the once.

I'd seriously leave him with nothing in his room bar the bed, table and lamp and give him the option to get it all back if and when he grows up, shows some respect and stops behaving like a right little twat.

My water is now on a meter so I insist my DC ask permission before using the toilet

What if you say 'no'?

DS started cooking at about 13, we had an incident where he cooked pork belly slices and veg as a breakfast for himself and a couple of his friends. It was supposed to have been for dinner. So we had a chat about what was always freely available and what he needed to ask about. He just really prefers hot food. I keep a draw in the freezer filled with dim sum buns and dumplings plus stuffed pasta in the fridge. I’m lucky with no tight budget though and that changes everything.

My water is now on a meter so I insist my DC ask permission before using the toilet

Pathetic

I'd strip his bedroom of the computer / games console and leave him nothing but his bare arse to come home from school to find.

Just ignoring and deliberately helping himself to food when you've made a meal and asked him to eat that would rile me even if it were just the once.

I'd seriously leave him with nothing in his room bar the bed, table and lamp and give him the option to get it all back if and when he grows up, shows some respect and stops behaving like a right little twat.

Gosh.

He's a teenage boy probably with a massive appetite and he can cook for himself. Be glad.

I'd seriously leave him with nothing in his room bar the bed, table and lamp and give him the option to get it all back if and when he grows up, shows some respect and stops behaving like a right little twat.

This is definitely a measured and proportionate response to using some bacon and eggs, and is in no one bordering on abusive. You should definitely take this advice OP...

I wouldn't be making lunch for a 14 yr old, unless they were unwell or happened to be right there when I was making myself something, and in that case I'd offer first rather than just making it.

I agree with PPs that if he sorts out his own food a lot then he needs to be involved in the shopping, even if it's just to add stuff to the list. That's a good life lesson for him

Mumsnet is a strange place where children just become lodgers when they turn 13.

Fresta If you have lodgers who eat your food without asking then I would ask them to leave.

I’m 41 and would still ask if I could eat/use something in my parents house. I don’t live there but cool for everyone when I’m there. My kids are not allowed to help themselves.

My kids are not allowed to help themselves

That's so strange. I learn something new from families on Mumsnet.

Quite frankly, I'd be straight on the phone to social services to report an abuse case if someone in real life told me they didn't let their DC help themselves to food in their own house. It's infantilising, demeaning and remains their sense of home as a safe space.

I have a shelf for dinner stuff, a shelf for school lunch stuff and the rest is free for all. Two teens regularly make bacon and eggs as an after school snack - so I account for that in my meal plan. (it also means they are much happier with pasta for dinner, easy for me and offsets some of the cost of the bacon et al) I also make sure we have tins of soup etc they can freely help themselves to. They would never take off the school shelf unless putting together their lunches or the dinner shelf unless I have asked them to start dinner.
If budgets are tight (as mine is) I shop later and go for the yellow sticker specials and freeze and rotate out so there is always something there for them. (we got packs of £5 salmon for 90p the other day and they do love a salmon sandwich or randomly making sushi ) In fact, dinner is usually a yellow sticker special!

Don't be ridiculous Yellow

Kids helping themselves to food is a new fad. In the not too distant past food was expensive and in limited supply in most households, and whoever was responsible for shopping, planning and cooking meals would have had to have a tight control on what was eaten between them. Lots of families still live this way. i never helped myself to food as a child and neither does my dd- other than the odd bit of toast, a biscuit or fruit. Yes, as they become older teenagers, within reason, there should probably be some free range with regards to snacks etc. Most families though need to have some sort of control otherwise planning meals and feeding everyone a balanced diet is impossible.

No wonder kids are fat if they are allowed to eat and drink what they like, when they like. My dd has always asked before helping herself, and often the answer she got was along the lines of- 'no you can't because tea will be ready in half an hour,' or 'no you can't because you've already had 2 biscuits earlier, have an apple instead' or 'no you can't because because the tomatoes are needed for our salad at tea-time and there's not many left', or 'no you can't because drinking too much orange juice is bad for you- have some water instead', etc.

Doesn't anyone parent these days? How can kids grow into healthy balanced adults with limits and self control if no-one teaches them. Too many children are growing up believing they should have what they want when they want it, and it's facilitated by parents who think limits are cruel.

I think SS actively look to see if children have access to food

Kids grow in spurts and often eat and eat as they need the calories

SS only look for children to have access to food if a child isn't a healthy weight and it's suspected they aren't being fed adequately by their parents. It doesn't apply to children who are cared for well and fed regular balanced meals.

Actually, if a young child is needing to feed themselves it's a red flag for neglect.

See, these are myths- yes children have growth spurts- but even then their regular meals will cover it because they will eat a little more at meal times. They might get hungry in between and need a small snack to keep them going but they don't need to 'eat and eat'.