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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable 14 year old - or is it me ?

354 replies

TAMumof3 · 09/03/2019 13:18

My 14 year old son has just swanned in from Tae kwon do practice, ignored the steak bake I've warmed for him for lunch and started cooking bacon and eggs for himself without asking.

He regularly does this - just help himself to whatever food he likes.

I'm particularly pissed off today as I'm just back from a trip from hell to Lidl and have shopped, unpack and written menu and stuck it on the fridge for the week.

Have had a go at him but he refused to stop cooking, left the kitchen in a mess and has now stropped off to bedroom to play computer games .... I have no idea how to parent this.

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/03/2019 13:27

Clearing!

PlumpAndPlain · 09/03/2019 13:27

Like the OP, I meal plan and it annoys me when my teen helps themselves to whatever they want and I have to replace in order to cook family meals. Perhaps the OP can't afford to keep doing this?

Avacadobaby · 09/03/2019 13:27

I think you're both being slightly unreasonable. At 14 it's good that he's able and willing to cook for himself. However it's understandable that it's a little annoying if you had another day in mind for the eggs and bacon and the not clearing up. Perhaps a conversation once he's out of his strop about asking before using ingredients, the cost of groceries and ensuring he understands it's his responsibility to clean up the mess once he's done. As for the steak bake maybe he just didn't fancy it, did you ask him if that's what he wanted to eat before you warmed it up?

AuntMarch · 09/03/2019 13:27

Why would you want him to stop cooking and waste the bacon and eggs?
I'd just have told him to make sure he cleaned up when he was done and eaten the steak bake myself, making a mental note not to assume I know what he wants. (Well I wouldn't, I think they're horrible! But you could have)

Original poster
TAMumof3 · 09/03/2019 13:27

Thanks for all your feedback - interesting that no one seems to think it is rude to just help himself to food.
It feels rude to me, given that I've worked for the some, shopped for the food etc - do you all really just let your kids help themselves ???
Age isn't relevevent to having the manners to ask surely ?
I'm not sure if it is that I'm victorian or just requier decent manners from my children - definately don't send yours raound here thinking they can just waltz in and help themselves.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 09/03/2019 13:28

Does he normally leave a mess or was he simply just trying to get away from the hassle you where giving him for having his dinner?

Custardo · 09/03/2019 13:28

get him to tidy up.

put framework in place, when you have meals you eat together - otherwise he is free to cook - but MUST tidy up

AuntMarch · 09/03/2019 13:29

Like the OP, I meal plan and it annoys me when my teen helps themselves to whatever they want and I have to replace in order to cook family meals. Perhaps the OP can't afford to keep doing this?

How about keeping things that are for planned meals on certain shelves in the fridge/cupboards, and things that people can help themselves to on/in another?
(It's not expensive to have some pasta and sauces in for them to take for example)

Teens especially have big appetites! There really should be good they can help themselves to.

CloserIAm2Fine · 09/03/2019 13:29

I get that if your budget is tight and you’ve carefully planned out the family’s meals then you don’t want stuff getting used up randomly.

The answer is to involve him in meal planning, sticking to the budget, and getting him to cook for you all for some meals, not just himself.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 09/03/2019 13:30

It would be rude to help themselves to food in someone else's house - but not their own. Only thing that annoys me is when they leave empty packets in the fridge and don't tell me when they've used the last of something.

Original poster
TAMumof3 · 09/03/2019 13:30

And yes it probably is that I'm focused on money - its very tight here which is 99% of the problem - including the reason for cooking less than healthy steak bakes - I know it is crap food healthwise but at 99p for two I can feed both kids and go without myself and have a treat of bacon and eggs altogether on a sunday - IF 14 year old doesn't scoff it all !

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 09/03/2019 13:31

Make him come back and clean up the kitchen. Turn off the WiFi or the power to his bedroom if he refuses.

As for menu planning, when you are both calm, sit down with him and come up with a solution. That solution is going to depend on how flexible your budget is. If you have to plan down to the crumb of food, then at 14 he needs to know that. He can help meal plan ahead of time. If you have some financial wiggle room but don’t want to make more shopping runs midweek, perhaps he could have the responsibility of doing the extra shopping.

IceRebel · 09/03/2019 13:31

interesting that no one seems to think it is rude to just help himself to food.

If it was something unusual / expensive, then yes it would be rude to take it without checking first. However, he was using bacon and eggs. Unless he was using the entire pack of bacon and 6 eggs, I wouldn't bat an eyelid, and would be pleased he was cooking for himself.

Although as i've already said he should have cleaned up the mess.

Prequelle · 09/03/2019 13:31

I find it really weird that someone can't help themselves to food in their own house. Yes you bought it, you're the parent Confused but if a teen can't help themselves to a snack that's odd. Do they have to ask permission for a drink too?

Quartz2208 · 09/03/2019 13:31

Yes to tidying up

But also yes they can get their own stuff I don’t see it as bad manners if my DD decides she wants a yoghurt from the fridge and gets it herself. Seeing it as all yours is a strange mindset

GreenTulips · 09/03/2019 13:31

Mine have good manners and are polite

They also feed themselves as far as breakfast and none school days lunch

I buy things they like bacon, pasties, bagels, chicken wings, eggs, tinned stuff - they can and do help themselves when they are hungry

Why do I need to jump up and make them food every 5 mins?

It’s their home as well and if they are hungry they’ll find something

PutyourtoponTrevor · 09/03/2019 13:31

He's 14 and your son and you begrudge him helping himself because you've paid for the food?

boringlyboring · 09/03/2019 13:32

I can’t believe you think he should ask for permission to cook food in his own home?

Ok he’s left a mess and stropped off but if someone had a go at me for making eggs I’d leave a passive aggressive mess in the kitchen too.

DotForShort · 09/03/2019 13:32

He’s in his own home. He’s 14 years old. I would have no problem at all with him helping himself to bacon and eggs.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 09/03/2019 13:32

Bit of a drip feed there!

Sparklingbrook · 09/03/2019 13:33

I thought it was absolutely normal for teens to help themselves to food in their own house.
My two might ask if it's ok first if they think somebody else would want it.
But TBH if it's in the cupboards/fridge it's fair game.

Sirzy · 09/03/2019 13:33

Bacon and eggs is much more nutritious and probably costs no more than the steak bake though.

If your on a budget then talking to people before buying things like steak bakes would be a good way to cut back surely?

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 09/03/2019 13:33

OP if you're on that tight a budget then sit him down and explain this to him, he's 14 not 4 and is old enough to understand this. If he doesn't realise then he will think you're nagging for nagging sake

WaxOnFeckOff · 09/03/2019 13:34

It's okay for him to do his own but he should clear up afterwards.

I say to my teens what stuff is available for helping themselves to and what is intended for dinners. They can choose what they want from the range of available stuff and I ask before shopping if there is anything in particular they fancy (within budget).

they are older now 17/18 but i've done that since they were able to make their own/be in at lunch time without us.

They are also pretty good at looking at use-by dates and using stuff up.

The key here is communication OP he needs to know what is expected of him and what he is able to help himself to.

Sparklingbrook · 09/03/2019 13:34

Oh, just saw the enormous drip feed.

In that case you need to have a chat with him and explain.