To ask for what to feed unwanted guests?

[MaryPopppins]

We have a couple coming over on Sunday for lunch.

I don't want either of them here. Nor does DH.

But it's unavoidable. So it's happening. So no "just don't have them" comments please as that's a whole other drama.

Anyway. In the past (when we enjoyed their company) I've cooked various things, roasts, lasagne, buffet type bread/cheese/salad etc.

Well. They're all too much effort for me to go to for them now. Jacket potatoes maybe.

What's the easiest group meal I can throw out. That will feed us, but not make the kitchen and loads of crockery dirty please?

Maybe a big bowl of pasta and a salad?

I think we need the back story. Why don’t you want to entertain them?

Cold shoulder with humble pie on the side?

Did OP ever come back?

'flabby quiche'!!!! Hilarious

Fishfingers, oven chips and baked beans. I’m a terrible cook so guests who know me are quite relieved if I serve this!

Pasta.
Tomato sauce from a jar.
Salad made from iceberg, cucumber, tomatoes. No dressing.

I think you should have something utterly delicious that smells amazing cooked. For two. And what a shame you forgot they were coming so we're just finishing eating as they arrived.

And your supermarket shop is the following day! Never mind, a root through the fridge and you find half a small supermarket quiche (it's been heated up once already so you can't reheat it), some iceberg lettuce. Oh that's not really enough. What about some beans on the side?

(note: I'm much too polite to ever do this, it's just fun to think about).

Tinned hot dogs with no condiments

Heinz tomato soup
Macaroni cheese ( just stir in sauce, no need to oven cook)
Napeoaltana ice cream

I don't know, I'd feel bad about this. You don't want them. Do they know this? What if they are unaware of how much their crime has hurt you both and are looking forward to your company? I couldn't bear that. I'd host as well as I could or not at all. I know you didn't want to hear that.

Tinned sausages and smash

@spiderplantsalad

That actually all sounds quite nice and what I might have as a standard lunch

Why are you being passive aggressive. Why not just say you don't want them. Go out for coffee or don't see them

Sorry all was asleep.

Yeah it's PIL. (Not my side)

Who at Christmas told me it's because of me and my parents that my child is "weird" (struggling with anxiety) and we aren't giving them a real childhood. Theatre trips/holidays/eating out at nice restaurants aren't for kids. They shouldn't be well behaved they should be feral and rude and scream and shout and we're wrong to tell them off if they act like that. Too strict.

What I actually think is happening is jealousy that my parents live closer and have more more/less grandkids and so can and do spoil mine more. (Mine took us on 3 short breaks last year as they're holiday addicts, so then IL had to try and compete and that break was OK but time was spent when DH was away from me insulting my parenting)

So we've not seen them since Christmas when it all came spilling out how awful a parent I am and what a terrible job we're doing and that's why my child is "weird".

I'm not going to be the person to stop grandkids seeing grandparents. But I'm 100% not in the mood to be the polite host I always have been as I used to think I'd got lucky with a MIL. Turns out she's just a good actress.

I’m betting it’s a visit from the in-laws! OP you could take a leaf out of my (tight-arse) mil’s book and give them HALF a sandwich each (got to be bland flavour - her speciality is cheese - plain cheese). Chuck in a handful of plain crisps and for an extra treat one square of dark chocolate each. Or she used to give us the most watery bland vegetable soup you could ever imagine served with cheap white bread. Everyone used to gush at how delicious it was it was laughable (like everything she makes including dry overcooked chicken).

Broccoli soup

Ah!

Well nuggets, chips, and beans it is then.

Tell them you’ve taken their advice, and want to start enjoying stereotypical kids’ food with the children.

Going against the grain, but if you have people in your house, I don't think you can be rude and serve them horrendous food for the fun of it. Of course we don't know the drama, but either you refuse to have them (you are not there that day), or you serve an acceptable meal.

-ready-meals are the easiest option, M&S or Cook are good.
-take-aways are good too

• an easy meal, like chili con carne, spanish omelette, fajitas.

If you feel like you have to have them around for the sake of limiting drama in the family or something, make your life easy by all means, but don't serve anything you wouldn't serve your own kids. I am not even sure I would ever serve a take-away Happy Meals to anyone over the age of 7

In that case I'd go to bed with a migraine and tell them you haven't had time to prepare anything but to help themselves to bread etc to rustle up sandwiches

just saw your update, I'd go for ready meals. Your DH must be even more hurt than you are, it's nice of you to maintain as much peace as you can and be civil. Take the high ground.

They shouldn't be well behaved they should be feral and rude and scream and shout and we're wrong to tell them off if they act like that. Too strict. that's quite funny - sounds like you are excellent parents, be proud!

I’d do something like the steamed fish and pak choi parcels from the BBC good food website and tell them we are on a health kick.

Food I would enjoy but that my in laws would absolutely hate for a Sunday lunch, and it’s low effort and very little washing up.

I'm not trying to think of something awful to feed them. That's what the post descended into.

As I said I always go to extra expense/effort for guests. I like to make people feel welcome.

But I am no longer inclined to make an effort for someone who thinks so little of me.

I don't want to make us an unpleasant lunch. I just don't want to spend a lot of time making something/spend a lot of money/have lots of cleaning up to do after.

I think pasta and salad is the way to go.

Ah, in that case do nothing. Go out for the morning, organise a communal water pistol fight when the PIL arrive, then about 1pm say “I think I’d better start cooking.”

Something slow. That takes 4 hours.

Have secret snacks in your bedroom and then serve up your revenge served cold

I agree with @SaucyJack. Nip out and get some of those smiley face chip things, alphabet spaghetti in a tin and some Haribo for dessert.

It's all for the kids, y'know