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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH furious about after work drink

170 replies

dkl55 · 08/03/2019 20:42

Wondering if I’m being totally naive and ridiculous. I recently went to a networking event where myself and a few others spoke on a panel as freelancers. Met a really nice group of people. One of the others who works in a similar industry suggested we meet one day for a coffee - I thought there was a client I had who might be able to use his services and he had said he’d recommend me on too. Anyway he emailed me to follow up and asked to meet late afternoon for a pint, nearby where he had a job on - fairly close to where I live. I said to DH I had a work meeting with the guy and went off. Was texting DH whilst I was there and said when I was on my way back - nearly two hours later. We chatted about work and was also nice to just catch up about working for ourselves, the industry we work in and potential client I think could suit him. Anyway DH was making me dinner and when I got home he asked why I was so long and who was this man anyway. Proceeded to get really angry - I was just looking at him slightly astounded. He said I was drunk and smirking (I literally had one large glass wine). I certainly wasn’t smirking. I said he’s being unreasonable which made him angrier than ever and he said he didn’t want to speak to me. I went to our room and after a bit went back and said I was sorry he was upset but there was nothing to be upset about. He refused to listen and just got even angrier and the started to say he’s going to go for drinks with women after work. Even getting annoyed enought to say he’s going to download tinder. He won’t listen to me and honestly I don’t believe there was any sleazy intentions - certainly not on my side. AIBU to think it’s ok for a married woman to go and have a late afternoon drink with a potential new work contact?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 09/03/2019 08:45

Even if he thought you shouldn't have gone for a drink... (would a coffee have been ok?) His reaction is disproportionate. The tinder stuff is ridiculous!

GabriellaMontez · 09/03/2019 08:48

OMG. He's still 'punishing' you..?

I'm just glad you don't have kids. It would be a very dark weekend if you were stuck in with them in an atmosphere.

I have lived with 'moods' in the past and won't be doing it again.

Songsofexperience · 09/03/2019 08:50

It's always hard to give advice as I don't know him of course but I'd say probably stay very factual and cool in your conversations on the subject. Just a firm: 'look, I told you it's a good contact to nurture, going for drinks every once in a while is a way to do that.' And don't try to justify it further. Also, I'd tell him his reference to Tinder really cheapens and demeans your work as there's nothing sexual to it. Put your foot down on that, that's probably the most important thing in my view.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 09/03/2019 08:51

He is equating your work-related chat/drink to dating. And you've noticed his different reaction to working with men previously. That is incredibly wrong and unreasonable.

You need to pull him up sharply on this and he needs to apologise. This is your career. Half the world is male; half the world is female. You will be interacting with anyone you need/want to as you see fit.

Driftingthoughlife · 09/03/2019 08:57

I meet an old colleague and friend who is Male at least once a month for a drink. He is single very good lucking and DH knows we once had a “night together” when we were drunk in the past before I met him.
DH trusts me 100% and does not bat an eyelid.

Same with me when he meets up with a past female colleague to walk the dogs together once fornight to catch up

Lizzie48 · 09/03/2019 09:11

I'd be very unimpressed by your DH's behaviour. He literally threw a toddler style tantrum about it. And it's not as if there's any reason whatsoever to be suspicious. She attended a business awards do and then had a drink with a potential contact for one of her clients.

It isn't as if she went out for a drink with a colleague that she was getting too close to. She also kept her DH updated regularly.

There really is no justification for his behaviour.

surferjet · 09/03/2019 09:14

No I’m not self employed so have never ‘networked’ - but I try and see these problems from both sides.
Where do you draw the line?
Out networking twice a week until midnight?
Is that ok?
Because if my partner was doing that I wouldn’t be very happy.

Missingstreetlife · 09/03/2019 09:17

It's fine to feel a bit insecure, but have a proper conversation. He's just being a wanker. Go out and leave him to it.

MrsTeaspoon · 09/03/2019 09:17

I simply wouldn’t stay with somebody who behaves like your DP. A relationship needs trust and equality, he is insinuating something unpleasant and trying to force you to do what he wants you to do. No. You can see whoever you want for whatever reason, they are all valid...male friends, male colleagues, male work contacts, you have the right to interact with the world. Don’t get brow-beaten.

Lizzie48 · 09/03/2019 09:17

But she isn't out regularly until midnight networking. The awards do was a one-off and she was out for a couple of hours with a potential business contact. That had never happened before in 9 years.

SoupDragon · 09/03/2019 09:18

🙄 if the sexes were reversed in this story absolutely no one would be saying it is a "red flag" or accusing the wife of "already being on tinder"

Original poster
dkl55 · 09/03/2019 09:21

@surferjet I think you're misreading my post. One awards do - after midnight a week ago. One networking thing yesterday - A drink until 6/630. Not out past midnight twice in a week. As I've said - I don't usually go out much but there's 2 events in 2 weeks, one was late. And I agree With another poster I probably should've texted to say I was late at the first one, that was a bit thoughtless.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 09/03/2019 09:25

Hm. I would be fine with everything you did except that if my DP said he was coming home and then changed his mind and hung about without immediately telling me he'd changed his mind, that would give me the rage. Especially if I was cooking dinner, that's disrespectful.

And even from your point of view the context might be a bit dodgy - this escalated from a meeting over coffee to a late afternoon drink to a two hour chat, and you only thought he would recommend you on, nothing more concrete? Did he actually pass any clients to you? You and/or he might be kidding yourselves about your motives.

I can be insecure, but there are certain things that DH can do about it that work just fine. If DH went out to an event and it turned into a pissup then I'd expect him to call before things got stupidly late - 11 o'clock say - and let me know. Unless I already knew it was the kind of event that usually turns into a pissup, which probably means my DH would have to tell me because we don't go to the same kinds of events and I am not psychic. As long as he does that then either I don't worry at all (usual) or (more rarely) the worry is on me.

He's being a wanker but once he's calmed down a grown-up conversation might help.

Original poster
dkl55 · 09/03/2019 09:25

Also I don't agree he's on tinder. I think that was a childish jab at me and a ridiculous thing to say. But that's it. But who knows. I guess anything is possible. I'm not going to go check up on him & join tinder tho - I think that's a bit crazy?

OP posts:
Powernaps · 09/03/2019 09:27

SoupDragon yes and also if the sexes were reversed, not nearly as many posters would be telling the OP they were completely out of order for not liking that their DH was out for a pint with a new young female associate and staying out until 3am unexpectedly the week before etc, and that their DH should pull them up sharply on it and they should apologise to their DH.

Not saying the OP has done wrong whatsoever, just that if the sexes were reversed it would be a different set of responses.

SoupDragon · 09/03/2019 09:34

Not saying the OP has done wrong whatsoever, just that if the sexes were reversed it would be a different set of responses.

Absolutely.

ChickenDinnerChecky · 09/03/2019 09:35

So slightly different situation but I went out for a few drinks with a man who is 20 years younger than me last night as he is a friend. DH didn’t bat an eyelid.

Hopefully you can have a chat with your DH later and point out what a massive arse he is being.

Arnoldthecat · 09/03/2019 10:25

“AIBU to think it’s ok for a married woman to go and have a late afternoon drink with anyone she fucking well wants” there I fixed that for you.

GrinGrin

CountessVonBoobs · 09/03/2019 10:30

Not saying the OP has done wrong whatsoever, just that if the sexes were reversed it would be a different set of responses.

If the DW had flown into a rage and said they might as well be on Tinder, it would have been a very similar response from me. Less intense, perhaps, but that is because in general women do not have a history of forcibly controlling the interactions of their male partners. Complaining, perhaps, asking their male partners not to do certain things, but not banning them by use of force or intimidation, which is all too common the other way around.

I would have some pretty strong words for a woman who acted that way about her DH meeting a woman for work purposes, and strongly do not agree with those on here who feel that you can't be too paranoid when it comes to your partner's contact with women.

Smelborp · 09/03/2019 10:39

I recently was in almost the exact opposite situation.

DH went out to the pub with a woman in the evening as she wanted to pick his brains about something. They’d met at a freelance event. He was gone for two hours.

I thought absolutely nothing of it as I trust him. Bit of a non story really, as this should have been.

I would be very wary of your DH now, particularly if he’s spending the weekend punishing you with silence.

If he doesn’t like you going out, but also he won’t speak to you, does that mean that you are expected to stay there while he ignores you for the whole weekend? Fuck that.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/03/2019 10:51

He sounds horrible and like he things he owns you.

Going for a drink with a potential contact is a totally normal thing.

Songsofexperience · 09/03/2019 11:26

if the sexes were reversed it would be a different set of responses.
Really? My DH has a lot of women in his team and regularly goes out for drinks, both in a group and one to one. Wouldn't cross my mind to question it.

surferjet · 09/03/2019 11:30

dkl55

I was replying more to the posters who say ‘no one owns you’ - yes that’s true, but where do you draw the line?
I’m not saying you shouldn’t go out for fear of upsetting your dp, that’s ridiculous, but just because something is work related doesn’t mean you have the green light to stay out drinking and having a laugh, ( sorry - networking ) with men until the early hours.
Some posters on here would say that is ok.
I don’t think it is. That’s all.

In your case your dp was a bit over the top, but maybe he’s scared of losing you?
How many affairs start at work?
1000’s.

HeronLanyon · 09/03/2019 11:33

This is just crap on his part op. YANBU. Who on earth does he think he is controlling and hindering you this way. What a tosser. Sorry but this has made me very angry.

Songsofexperience · 09/03/2019 11:35

surferjet
Beyond the work side of things, do you not think it's ok to have male friendships? Just mates to have a laugh with?

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