DH furious about after work drink

[dkl55]

Wondering if I’m being totally naive and ridiculous. I recently went to a networking event where myself and a few others spoke on a panel as freelancers. Met a really nice group of people. One of the others who works in a similar industry suggested we meet one day for a coffee - I thought there was a client I had who might be able to use his services and he had said he’d recommend me on too. Anyway he emailed me to follow up and asked to meet late afternoon for a pint, nearby where he had a job on - fairly close to where I live. I said to DH I had a work meeting with the guy and went off. Was texting DH whilst I was there and said when I was on my way back - nearly two hours later. We chatted about work and was also nice to just catch up about working for ourselves, the industry we work in and potential client I think could suit him. Anyway DH was making me dinner and when I got home he asked why I was so long and who was this man anyway. Proceeded to get really angry - I was just looking at him slightly astounded. He said I was drunk and smirking (I literally had one large glass wine). I certainly wasn’t smirking. I said he’s being unreasonable which made him angrier than ever and he said he didn’t want to speak to me. I went to our room and after a bit went back and said I was sorry he was upset but there was nothing to be upset about. He refused to listen and just got even angrier and the started to say he’s going to go for drinks with women after work. Even getting annoyed enought to say he’s going to download tinder. He won’t listen to me and honestly I don’t believe there was any sleazy intentions - certainly not on my side. AIBU to think it’s ok for a married woman to go and have a late afternoon drink with a potential new work contact?

[HeronLanyon]

So a man fears ‘losing’ (as of he owns) his dp/de because she meets a male colleague for a few hours early evening for a drink. Jesus wept - the day after international womens’ day and we wonder why we still have gender inequality at work, glass ceiling for women, etc etc. Let’s just do that to ourselves shall we ?

[Songsofexperience]

I mean if one pushes that reasoning further, it would quickly become justifiable to keep women out of the workers as they might have 'affairs'. Or distract those poor men who can't be trusted with their 'urges'.
Oh dear...

[Songsofexperience]

Out of the *workplace
Bloody phone...

[CountessVonBoobs]

just because something is work related doesn’t mean you have the green light to stay out drinking and having a laugh, ( sorry - networking ) with men until the early hours

Why shouldn't you stay out "drinking and having a laugh", whether with friends or colleagues, until the early hours? Drinking and having a laugh is fun, no? As long as your partner knows where you are, you meet your obligations the next day, and (if you have kids) you OK it in advance and ensure you have equal opportunity.

[CountessVonBoobs]

Also, networking often takes the form of "drinking and having a laugh". That's one of the reasons why women are still often disadvantaged in the workplace, because it's harder for them to participate in the after Hours networking.

[Fannybaws52]

You could point out that if you were meeting him for sex, you'd hardly tell DH about it and text during it!

He's being petty and insecure. OR he is projecting his own guilt onto you.

Either way, you've done nothing wrong DO NOT APOLOGISE and these are his issues. He owes you an apology and should probably see a therapist before he damages his relationship with you permanently with his emotional baggage.

[surferjet]

Songsofexperience

That question comes up a lot on here and I’m always on the side of no - not really. But I think it’s my generation ( I’m early 50’s ) and I appreciate times have changed.
But what hasn’t changed is we all like to spend time with people we find interesting, funny, & generally just nice people, if we didn’t have a connection with them we wouldn’t be friends.
I’d be very upset if my dh spent a lot of time with another women he obviously really liked being with. I’d see it as borderline emotional affair.
But as I say, I’m a different generation and the lines are obviously a lot flexible these days.

[CountessVonBoobs]

My DH's closest friends are female, surferjet. He had a miserable time in an all-boys school and was badly bullied, and as a consequence he still finds it easier to connect with and trust women than men. I am confident and happy that these are friendships and that they are not a threat to our marriage.

Do you really think it would be OK for me to cut him off from that because of my own insecurity? A friendship, even a close friendship, is not the same thing as an emotional affair - not if it's open, both people have good boundaries, there is trust all round, and the marriage comes first.

[countrygirl99]

Surfer jet, I'm 60 and see nothing wrong with Male friends. Even have some myself. Mostly gay, but that's the dressage world.

[HeronLanyon]

Country - the end of your sentence made me really laugh out loud it was so unexpected but said so matter-of-factly!! There’s stories behind al of that !?

[SoupDragon]

But I think it’s my generation

No, it isn't.

[BIWI]

No its about being narrow-minded @surferjet. Nothing to do with age. I'm older than you and have no issues with this as a scenario

[DarlingNikita]

drinking and having a laugh, ( sorry - networking ) with men until the early hours.
Twattish thing to say.

You admit you're not self-employed and don't have experience of what networking means and involves. Plenty of people on here, the OP included, DO know what it can and does involve, and yes, it is very often about going out quasi-socially. It's not about being 'asked out for a drink' by men

And it's not as simple as saying it's a generational thing either; I know plenty of people of your kind of age (I'm a tiny bit younger) who have work contacts and friends of the opposite sex and don't find it odd to go out for a glass of wine with them.

Anyway, OP, your DH is out of order. Tell him to grow the fuck up.

[NannyRed]

Your DH is be totally unreasonable. Either he trusts you to network, which may involve drinks or he doesn’t trust you.

If he doesn’t trust you, then that’s his problem not yours and he needs to find a way round his issues, not expect you to adjust your lifestyle to pander to his insecurity.

[pointythings]

No, surferjet - I'm in the same age range as you and I don't have a problem with it. OP was a bit inconsiderate on the afterparty night - she's already acknowledged she should have texted to let her H know she'd be late. The other thing - that's really normal in the world of work, and 6.30 is not particularly late.

[LemonTT]

I wouldn’t mind DH going for a drink, diner or whatever with a network connection, Male or female, straight or gay. I would mind that I was cooking diner for them based on a text saying they are on their way when they are in fact staying for another one or whatever. Nor would i be taken in by a protestation that they just had the one glass of wine in 2 hours.

But yes he overreacted but then the whole thing is becoming a bit hysterical. Sounds like a fairly normal domestic tiff but one where one person is inconsiderate and the other is over anxious.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

Going for a drink with a potential contact is a totally normal thing.

Yes it is, but she might need to watch her boundaries for reasons that are nothing to do with her DH. She passed a client on to this contact and now they've had a long meeting at his convenience where she spent a lot of time giving him information about the client.... and got nothing in return but the pleasure of his company. Is that really businesslike? Contacts are contacts and it might all be fine but it wouldn't be totally surprising if he now thinks she fancies him, or if he reckons he can take advantage in some other way because she's been very eager to please. Maybe worth keeping a bit of professional distance until the contact has something concrete to offer in return.

[HeronLanyon]

Why in your scenario, wouldn’t it be the male ‘ who might fancy her’ be the person who needs to watch his boundaries ? Why does the woman have to watch hers ?!
This is exactly why women are held back from perfectly normal behaviour and impeded in perfectly normal life and career situations.

[MrsTommyBanks]

YANBU. Your partner is a misogynist cunt.
I'm appalled by the apologists on this thread.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

Why in your scenario, wouldn’t it be the male ‘ who might fancy her’ be the person who needs to watch his boundaries ? Why does the woman have to watch hers ?!

Because right now she's been the one doing the giving. It might not be about sex at all. It's about negotiation and who's giving stuff away for free and who's taking, who is pushing the boundary and who lets the boundary be pushed. And I meant professional boundaries as much as personal ones.

[HeronLanyon]

Hmm ok. I just don’t read it that way at all.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

That's fair enough Heron. I could be wrong, I'm just raising the possibility.

[Coyoacan]

Not saying the OP has done wrong whatsoever, just that if the sexes were reversed it would be a different set of responses

Oh dear. So lots of people are in relations where they wouldn't trust their spouses as far as they could throw them? Why do people need such foul relationships in the first place?

[Ninkaninus]

It’s not an accurate statement anyway, because I’ve seen plenty of posts of this type from women where the sexes are reversed, and provided the surrounding context is broadly the same, the replies are exactly the same as they have been here.

Where context is vastly different (which it so very often Is), then of course people will give markedly different advice.

[TriciaH87]

Tell him his welcome to come along next time while you talk shop.