DH furious about after work drink

[dkl55]

Wondering if I’m being totally naive and ridiculous. I recently went to a networking event where myself and a few others spoke on a panel as freelancers. Met a really nice group of people. One of the others who works in a similar industry suggested we meet one day for a coffee - I thought there was a client I had who might be able to use his services and he had said he’d recommend me on too. Anyway he emailed me to follow up and asked to meet late afternoon for a pint, nearby where he had a job on - fairly close to where I live. I said to DH I had a work meeting with the guy and went off. Was texting DH whilst I was there and said when I was on my way back - nearly two hours later. We chatted about work and was also nice to just catch up about working for ourselves, the industry we work in and potential client I think could suit him. Anyway DH was making me dinner and when I got home he asked why I was so long and who was this man anyway. Proceeded to get really angry - I was just looking at him slightly astounded. He said I was drunk and smirking (I literally had one large glass wine). I certainly wasn’t smirking. I said he’s being unreasonable which made him angrier than ever and he said he didn’t want to speak to me. I went to our room and after a bit went back and said I was sorry he was upset but there was nothing to be upset about. He refused to listen and just got even angrier and the started to say he’s going to go for drinks with women after work. Even getting annoyed enought to say he’s going to download tinder. He won’t listen to me and honestly I don’t believe there was any sleazy intentions - certainly not on my side. AIBU to think it’s ok for a married woman to go and have a late afternoon drink with a potential new work contact?

[AhhhHereItGoes]

If my husband ever felt any objection (he wouldntbut still) it would only be if he thought that person would act inappropriately/had a bad temper etc. He would not blame me nor would he feel insulted. You aren't his employee representing his company.

[SpenglerOswald]

Whilst OP isn’t unreasonable for going out for drinks, can you imagine the screeching that would happen on here if someone posted that their husband had two nights out in a short space of time, one being with a younger female colleague and then tried to pass it off as networking? Mumsnet double standards at their most rank

[DointItForTheKids]

She's not 'passing it out as networking' - it IS networking!!

[DointItForTheKids]

*passing it off

[BIWI]

Why is it that posters can't accept that women are perfectly capable of networking and doing business development, as well as socialising with their colleagues without it being about sex, affairs and trying to dupe their partners?

It's astonishing that so many posters on here can't seem to understand this.

And doubly concerning that this post was started on International Women's Day, yet merits these kind of responses.

[MissChananderlerbong]

My business has only survived with networking. If my DH was like this every time I met a bloke for work I'd find it very tedious. I've met blokes for coffees loads! And not once have I accidentally had sex with them.

[titchy]

but just because something is work related doesn’t mean you have the green light to stay out drinking and having a laugh, ( sorry - networking ) with men until the early hours.

Errr why on Earth not?

[dkl55]

@BIWI I don't think people who aren't self employed understand it. (For the record DP is). @titchy 😂

[SpenglerOswald]

She's not 'passing it out as networking' - it IS networking!! - networking is a load of bollocks, but that’s not really the point. I think OP is as entitled to a late one as much as anyone else and shouldn’t have to justify it. But if a woman posted on here describing her husband behaving in the same way there would be a lot of incoherent screeching, accusations of “emotional affairs”, accusations of actual affairs, accusations of ‘DH’ being an alcoholic, something something about family time and advice to get her ducks in a row/get a ‘shit hot lawyer’ Etc. I’m just wondering why the general response to this one is different?

[Ninkaninus]

I’m afraid that if you can’t deduce for yourself the difference in context and nuance between this and other threads then you probably won’t understand even if I did explain it to you. And I’m afraid that I have better things to do on a Saturday night than set it all out for you.

[SoupDragon]

I’m afraid that I have better things to do on a Saturday night than set it all out for you.

Better things like make snarky posts?

[Ninkaninus]

I guess so!

Seriously though, the odd five min here and there to post and/or catch up on a thread is fine, but I don’t want to bother to set out a detailed analysis, and to be honest, I don’t think I should be obligated to. People can do their own critical analysis.

[Lizzie48]

A key difference between this and other threads is that there really isn't an EA, and there's no secrecy. The OP hardly ever goes out, but has stayed out later twice in the last 2 weeks. (The drink with the business contact kept her out for a couple of hours at most, no biggie!). There are no suspicious messages on her phone!

This really is a 'storm in a teacup'! It wouldn't bother me at all.

[Powernaps]

Lizzie but then again, a key-er difference between this and other threads is that we, the other posters, know that there really isn't an EA because the OP is the one being accused (indirectly) by her other half and she's the one posting her story? Whereas generally, an OP (usually female) posting about her DH going out for drinks etc, nobody knows here if he is or isn't or might be having an EA.

Who knows what posters would make of it if it were a DH posting in the OP's position? That would be really interesting. Would the (mainly female) poster audience here be telling a DH his DW was bang out of order for going in a strop about him being out til 3am, seeing a new young female associate for coffee turned drinks etc and to pull his DW up sharply about her OTT response and make her apologise for her actions?

[SpenglerOswald]

I’m afraid that if you can’t deduce for yourself the difference in context and nuance between this and other threads then you probably won’t understand even if I did explain it to you. Mental gymnastics then.

[BIWI]

@SpenglerOswald

networking is a load of bollocks

I take it you don't work in business development, or have your own business then? What a stupid thing to say

[Ninkaninus]

I’ve personally seen numerous threads where a woman has posted clearly getting completely paranoid, controlling and jealous over perfectly normal behaviour from her DP/DH/OH/whatever, and without any actual grounds for worry or anxiety, and yes, in each of those cases responses have been clear that she is out of order, that she needs to get herself in check and that she needs to stop tormenting herself and the other person. Obviously there’s not always a consensus, but Mumsnet is not a hive mind.

Perhaps responses are slightly more sympathetic in tone, but that’s because people are responding to the person directly rather than talking about a third party. However comments are still plenty harsh, plenty critical and plenty adamant that she is in the wrong and that her behaviour needs to be moderated.

Again, I’ve seen threads, maybe not directly comparable to this one, but certainly from a man’s perspective talking about a situation in which if taken at face value from his description he is absolutely in the right and his wife or partner is clearly in the wrong -controlling, unkind, abusive, selfish, having an affair, whatever, and posters have absolutely no problem backing him up.

[Ninkaninus]

And no, Spengler it has nothing at all to do with mental gymnastics.

It’s simple, and easy enough to deduce, if one has the capability and if one wants to be bothered. If one doesn’t, or one can’t be bothered, well, one will have to just remain ignorant. It’s not my job to do people’s critical thinking for them.

[Ninkaninus]

And I agree with BIWI - your comment on networking was incredibly stupid. You clearly don’t have a clue.

[Ninkaninus]

Sigh. Maybe I’m being a bit unfair.

I’m glad that you at least acknowledged that OP has done nothing wrong.

The rest of it? I guess I ought to agree to disagree. I’ve been far too invested in commenting over the past few days and I’m getting tired of the aggro now. Just can’t stand disingenuous sex reversal comments - They are so incredibly tedious, and so obviously inaccurate. Not to mention insulting to all the women posting here who really do need help with awful relationships or very difficult circumstances.