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AIBU?

DH furious about after work drink

170 replies

dkl55 · 08/03/2019 20:42

Wondering if I’m being totally naive and ridiculous. I recently went to a networking event where myself and a few others spoke on a panel as freelancers. Met a really nice group of people. One of the others who works in a similar industry suggested we meet one day for a coffee - I thought there was a client I had who might be able to use his services and he had said he’d recommend me on too. Anyway he emailed me to follow up and asked to meet late afternoon for a pint, nearby where he had a job on - fairly close to where I live. I said to DH I had a work meeting with the guy and went off. Was texting DH whilst I was there and said when I was on my way back - nearly two hours later. We chatted about work and was also nice to just catch up about working for ourselves, the industry we work in and potential client I think could suit him. Anyway DH was making me dinner and when I got home he asked why I was so long and who was this man anyway. Proceeded to get really angry - I was just looking at him slightly astounded. He said I was drunk and smirking (I literally had one large glass wine). I certainly wasn’t smirking. I said he’s being unreasonable which made him angrier than ever and he said he didn’t want to speak to me. I went to our room and after a bit went back and said I was sorry he was upset but there was nothing to be upset about. He refused to listen and just got even angrier and the started to say he’s going to go for drinks with women after work. Even getting annoyed enought to say he’s going to download tinder. He won’t listen to me and honestly I don’t believe there was any sleazy intentions - certainly not on my side. AIBU to think it’s ok for a married woman to go and have a late afternoon drink with a potential new work contact?

OP posts:

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Weirdwonders · 09/03/2019 07:33

If a man told his wife he was in a work meeting which turned out to be a 2 hour long drink he’d be accused of gaslighting.

Hadalifeonce · 09/03/2019 07:42

Wierdwonder... You do know that work meetings to not always happen in a work environment?

BIWI · 09/03/2019 07:56

He has no 'right to be concerned' over this. It's not unusual, at all, if you're networking/looking for new clients, to meet up with complete strangers. And sometimes - gasp - it might be over a drink. And sometimes these meetings might last for more than an hour! (Or whatever time frame you deem acceptable)

If my DH got arsey about this, or about me staying out late when I'm at a social event, I'd be furious with him. He (nor anyone else) has a right to start policing what I do with regard either to my work, or to my own social life. Similarly, neither do I have any right to police him or his!

I'm a grown-up and he isn't my parent. Oh, and we've been together for over 30 years, so this has worked for us, without any trust issues! So the OP's partner is the one in the wrong here, not the OP.

DaiStation · 09/03/2019 07:59

This wouldn't worry me at all if the situation were reversed - you were at an awards do! Of course it was a big night - I might have been paranoia-worried for a wee moment that something had happened to dh but I would have recognised it as such, and as being because I care about his safety - I wouldn't have been 'annoyed', I'd have been happy he was letting his hair down after having his success recognised.

And in lots of freelance work, networking still works like this.

His reaction is more telling than anything - just blazing anger and a 'threat' to go on Tinder sound more like someone manipulative and controlling than someone with genuine concerns who wants to talk things through...

dkl55 · 09/03/2019 08:03

In response to various questions - no children, no. It's a bit out of character - this jealousy - but I haven't been out that much lately and not with men either. The "late night transactions" was an awards do with an after party. The time between me saying I would be home and texting again was half an hour - mainly because it was pouring outside so we waited and got chatting a bit more. The query on "has it led to work" - well it's too soon to say! He's going back to work after caring for a young daughter so I will refer him to friends etc in my industry. Whether it leads to work for me - well it's nice to be nice and help other freelancers no? The coffee turning to a pint - well i guess one could say that's odd but he doesn't live in my city so was there for a job and suggested meeting once it was finished at 430. He was driving home after.

OP posts:

Happyspud · 09/03/2019 08:03

Weirdwonders, you are only right if you’re talking about shit untrustworthy people. It’s pointless to try and control who shit and untrustworthy people see anyway.

In a healthy relationship the OPs DPs reaction would be both shocking and overstepping a line.

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/03/2019 08:06

Is he up to something already himself, and deliberately trying to hide it by giving you a hard time? Seems odd to be so pissed off about a business meeting....

dkl55 · 09/03/2019 08:08

@Purplecatshopaholic I wouldn't have thought so. He doesn't go out much either.

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surferjet · 09/03/2019 08:09

If you strip this back, you’ve basically been asked out for a drink by a man you don’t really know & you’ve happily accepted. Haven’t RTFT but is he attractive?
Tbh, I’d be a bit annoyed too.
In fact, I couldn’t be with someone who did this regularly & thought it ok?

Iggly · 09/03/2019 08:13

My dh would be a bit jealous but he wouldn’t react so angrily about it - that’s the bit which is off in this OP.

There are two things - one, effectively drinking with another man (my dh would feel insecure, not because of anything I’ve done in the past but ironically because of things he’s done in previous relationships!) and two - his awful response.

kbPOW · 09/03/2019 08:15

I see the stupid is strong on this thread. He sounds really unpleasant OP. Has he apologised?

BIWI · 09/03/2019 08:17

FFS @surferjet - no she hasn't been 'asked out'. She's a freelancer and this was a work meeting.

Women can work, you know? And men often work in the same industry.]

Christ. It's like feminism never happened sometimes.

dkl55 · 09/03/2019 08:17

@kbPOW not yet. I'm just leaving him to it.

OP posts:

surferjet · 09/03/2019 08:19

Do you have to go for a drink these days to ‘network’ - maybe 30 years ago yes but not now.

kbPOW · 09/03/2019 08:20

That's a good call @dkl55 . Do you trust him? Has he got form for being controlling? Sorry - I should have read the whole thread but the surrendered wives' posts were too annoying and I'm mighty sick of the whataboutery on MN.

kbPOW · 09/03/2019 08:21

Lol cross post!

AzureApps · 09/03/2019 08:27

This week I went to two industry events with drinks after, it’s part of the event and your DH is being totally unreasonable. I stayed for drinks at one but not the other as it was Tuesday, I am a lightweight and would be shattered if going out two nights midweek! DH wouldn’t have minded if I had gone to both.

dkl55 · 09/03/2019 08:28

@kbPOW ...surrendered wives ... it's good to get different opinions really as you can question yourself - maybe it was wrong of me. I don't feel like it was but... if the situation were reversed I'd maybe feel a tiny bit jealous but I'd certainly not say anything as I think that is insecure and controlling and I'd be pleased he's potentially getting more work. Mmm I think he can try to get "controlling" - certainly not frequently but I've noticed when he's stressed about things something comes up. I think the last blow up we had was a few years ago - about something completely different but can't rem what now. Not jealousy - I know that!

OP posts:

Songsofexperience · 09/03/2019 08:32

OP please don't limit yourself in future because you're worried how he might react. I work in an industry where networking and travel play a huge part. Last week I actually forgot to tell DH where I was so he thought I was in a completely different country to where I actually was (I do try to keep him in the loop though). Things were not always so chilled between us. He didnt like it much at the start of my career. I laid out the deal very clearly: i'll keep on doing it. Full stop.
My point is, if he's on your side he'll end up encouraging you to do what you have to for your career. Who knows, if he ever loses his job he should be grateful for yours! You can't make his insecurities part of your mental load. Men usually don't take on their partner's, you see. Do the same.

kbPOW · 09/03/2019 08:33

I didn't mean you OP - I meant the people commenting on your thread that you shouldn't be going to the pub etc.

MadAboutWands · 09/03/2019 08:34

I suspect surferjet has never been self employed an has no idea of what networking means.

There was nothing wrong wth what you did dkl.
He sounds insecure and jealous which would make me start to question what is going on with him and if he is still feeling comfortable in the relationhsip. So not thinking Tindeerr and the like but thinking he is unhappy and is looking for a way out/a reason to not be happy wth you.

MiGi777 · 09/03/2019 08:36

I couldn't deal with that, I'd leave.

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dkl55 · 09/03/2019 08:40

@Songsofexperience I think you're right. The trouble is if you concede then that almost sets it up as if he's a point and then I'm agreeing I can't meet male clients or connections. It's never really come up before In 9 years of freelancing, as I'm seldom asked for drinks or lunch or a catch-up by a male client. Many women clients do though - mostly coffee, sometimes a drink. I know this instance was a drink, which some posters are finding odd, but as he said the young guy in question was finishing up for the day and proposed that time as it suited him before he headed home. Thinking about it, He was a bit funny 6 months ago with a new (male) client who kept calling and wanted me to work at his offices - again that particular client was very high maintenance and there was definitely no weirdness but DH made the odd comment. No argument about it though.

OP posts:

AFistfulofDolores1 · 09/03/2019 08:42

This would be the end of the line for me. Your DH's anger implies ownership - of your time, of who you choose to spend it with, and of you.

dkl55 · 09/03/2019 08:43

@kbPOW thanks - yes I know you didn't. Was responding to you and op at the same time. Just sort of thinking aloud - it doesn't hurt to check yourself once in a while. God. Probably giving this far too much headspace. Should probably just say grow up and leave him to it. Long uncomfortable weekend stretching ahead if he's "ignoring" me. Which he seems to be...

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