DH furious about after work drink

[dkl55]

Wondering if I’m being totally naive and ridiculous. I recently went to a networking event where myself and a few others spoke on a panel as freelancers. Met a really nice group of people. One of the others who works in a similar industry suggested we meet one day for a coffee - I thought there was a client I had who might be able to use his services and he had said he’d recommend me on too. Anyway he emailed me to follow up and asked to meet late afternoon for a pint, nearby where he had a job on - fairly close to where I live. I said to DH I had a work meeting with the guy and went off. Was texting DH whilst I was there and said when I was on my way back - nearly two hours later. We chatted about work and was also nice to just catch up about working for ourselves, the industry we work in and potential client I think could suit him. Anyway DH was making me dinner and when I got home he asked why I was so long and who was this man anyway. Proceeded to get really angry - I was just looking at him slightly astounded. He said I was drunk and smirking (I literally had one large glass wine). I certainly wasn’t smirking. I said he’s being unreasonable which made him angrier than ever and he said he didn’t want to speak to me. I went to our room and after a bit went back and said I was sorry he was upset but there was nothing to be upset about. He refused to listen and just got even angrier and the started to say he’s going to go for drinks with women after work. Even getting annoyed enought to say he’s going to download tinder. He won’t listen to me and honestly I don’t believe there was any sleazy intentions - certainly not on my side. AIBU to think it’s ok for a married woman to go and have a late afternoon drink with a potential new work contact?

This was exactly how my dh would behave, it only got worse. They chip and chip until you feel like you are in the wrong and you walk on egg shells, living life to their rules.

Yep. My ex once accused me of having had a man from work in my car. I assured him I hadn’t. He insisted I had and he had proof. I asked him his proof. He said he had adjusted the passenger seat position so he knew which slot it was on and that he had just checked and it was moved. I said I had no idea how it was moved and maybe I had moved it to get something from under it or maybe one of my (female) friends had moved it when they were in. He said “aha! You’ve just been caught lying! Because I didn’t move the seat at all but you’ve just made up a lie to explain why you thought it was moved. You wouldn’t have needed to do that if you didn’t have anyone in the car that you didn’t want me to know about” I stayed with him far longer and suffered far more of that shit than I should have done.

He used to sabotage my work nights out as well by starting rows. Rows that of course meant he got to storm out of the house and go and drink off.

Actually OP, as unfair as it is, I think if you were a man, and your DW posted about this, she’d get a lot of sympathy. I’m not saying it’s right, but that’s the way it is. You were out with someone who wasn’t a client, and was younger than you, with lots in common. You were out longer than expected, and texted to say you were on your way home, then ended up texting again to say you’d be later. And you were out till 3am on a jolly recently.
Rightly or wrongly, if you were a man you’d be slated for this on MN.

Your DH is being very unreasonable. My DH went for a 2 hour lunch with a female colleague today and he's out after work next week with female colleague. It's networking and he happens to work in a female dominated profession...... but I'm not a jealous dick so it doesn't bother me. It's how business works 🤷

it was a long meeting, for a drink with a young guy who wasn't a client.

But you said One of the others who works in a similar industry suggested we meet one day for a coffee - I thought there was a client I had who might be able to use his services and he had said he’d recommend me on too. Anyway he emailed me to follow up and asked to meet late afternoon for a pint,
And you agreed to meet for a pint....for a work meeting? Rather than saying “let’s just make it coffee”?
Okay... Does alcohol factor a lot in your business meetings? Because, tbh, it wouldn’t be that odd a couple of decades ago.....it is VERY odd now.

because last week I was invited to a business awards do by a company who I pass on a lot of work to. It turned into a bit of a piss up and we all went out after. I ended up getting home at 3am. He did call me as he was worried

And if you reversed the situation, would you be giving your DP a hard time over a work meeting that turned into a piss up until 3 am? and then a random meeting with a young girl, not a client, that he had a long meeting, and drink with?

I get that you want everyone on MN to say he is wrong! LTB!

I’ve never had any doubts about my DH, even with him working in the hospitality industry, working weird shifts, BUT even I would be giving him grief for leaving me worried until 3am... & he is in a business that deals with late night transactions. WTH is it that you & DH do for a living!

I think if you were a man, and your DW posted about this, she’d get a lot of sympathy. I’m not saying it’s right, but that’s the way it is

Not from me, she wouldn't. Having suffering at the hands of a jealous partner, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

If you don't trust the person you are sharing your life with, what are you doing with them?

In his book, being independent is behaving oddly. He needs to get used to the idea that you aren't a handmaiden.

My guess is it’s the perfect excuse for why he’s already on tinder

Was he annoyed because you said it was a work meeting (which created an expectation of a professional client meeting) when actually it was a pint with another freelancer?

My career involves a lot of networking at all times of the day and night, in lots of places eg pubs, concerts, restaurants, conferences, etc. So I don't have an issue with networking but I wouldn't talk as though I was having a client meeting if I was really chatting about freelancing in a pub. And I'd feel a bit misled if DH implied he had a client meeting and actually he was at the pub.

Oh give over with the reversal of the sexes crap.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: when a man posts here with this general type of question saying he does 80% of the parenting, 90% of the shitwork and 100% of the mental load of running a family and household, hasn’t had a single lad’s night out since the children came along, doesn’t have any out-of-work hobby, sport or activity and does his fair share of night wakings, my answer to him will be exactly the same as it is to the woman who posted.

For this specific scenario in particular, my response to a man would be exactly the same, all things being equal.

OP went to an awards event for her industry, it is simply not unreasonable that it turned out to be a bit of a late night. If my OH went to one I’d understand that it might welll go on til the early hours. I might worry until I’d established where he was or feel slightly put out or a bit jealous, but I certainly wouldn’t use it as ammunition or as an excuse to be furious with him or accuse him of cheating.

I agree
He’s jealous OF YOU

Another happy women’s day!!
Glad to see that it was ever thus

Of course it's ok. It's called 'networking'! Just because he's a young bloke, doesn't make it sleazy. Either he trusts you or he doesn't.

I work in IT. If I didn't meet with male colleagues, I'd never get any work. Does my DH mind? Of course not!!

Through work I met many (male) people,attend cpd,conferences etc it’s no biggie
I don’t get my dp permission to meet,mingle with other people.he doesn’t get mine
Yikes your dh is Suspicious gimp,and he’s already on tinder but covering his cheating arse by anouncing it as if he’s about to
He’s deeply unpleasant and out of order to you. YOU need to decide what you want to do about this

Absolute knobber. Get rid!
YANBU

If it was the other way around would you have a issue OP.?
Would he have an issue if there was more that two of you ?

To many stories of cheating feed these feelings to partners unfortunately OP. I can only assume there is a trust issue there

I don't necessarily think he's jealous, I think he's insecure.

Unless there's a backstory that he's got form for accusing you of things in the past and making you feel uncomfortable with any other jealous or controlling type behaviour, if he's generally ok and this is a bit of an uncharacteristic wobble then I know I'm going against the flow here, but I've never really understood the uncompromising first response of "You don't like it? Lump it then", to someone you (presumably) love. I would prefer to give the benefit of the doubt first - that they are coming from a position of insecurity rather than jealous/control in the first instance, and treat it as such.

Of course, if the reassurance failed to provide any comfort and the partner carried on being insecure (or it appeared to be more like unchecked jealousy) then a different approach would be appropriate. But ultimately if you love someone then I would prefer to take the kinder response in the first instance, ie reassure them of my commitment to the relationship and remind them that I'd never break their trust.

If my DH had a works do that went on until 3am and then soon after met a new young female client after work for drinks, if then I were to have a wobble due to my own insecurites I would hope/prefer that DH would reassure me than counter-accuse me or get just as mad about it. If I carried on with it thereafter despite reassurance, I would expect DH to get annoyed and rightly so.

'going for a pint' though is a bit different than the initial 'going for a coffee'; so after the pint, is there a firm commitment/opportunity/offer/contact in place? Not criticising you, but the meeting actually evolve into opportunities?

Whatever happened to trust? Without trust there’s no point surely.

Lalliella It's just not exactly unheard of that people can and do start affairs especially at work though...

MN is full of posters who think their DH may be having an affair/emotional affair/has taken a shine to someone/has "mention-itis"and nobody yells "Where's ya TRUST, OP?" No. They generally advise snooping, checking phones, getting "ducks in a row" and LTB.

Tell him he's going to need Tinder, would he like help setting it up if he hasn't already, you can give him a character statement like people do for others on online dating, and don't forget to mention he's had to move back in with his mum for cheating on his wife.....

“AIBU to think it’s ok for a married woman to go and have a late afternoon drink with anyone she fucking well wants” there I fixed that for you.

As someone, whose dh used to go out, get carried away and not come back til 3am and more, I can tell you not letting your dh know you were fine is disrespectful.

As for the drinks, all good. However you told him you were arriving then didn’t. My dh also used to tell me he was on the way home then not arrive - it’s a real mind fuck. You say you text again to say you were coming, how much later was that?

I’m not so sure he is being so controlling as some are saying. This sounds like insecurities. In any case, you both need to own your behaviour. He’s clearly acting like an arse. But you don’t come out completely smelling of roses.

This situation says more about your DH than it does about you...

You went out for a drink with a man you hardly know, and told your husband it was a work meeting? YABU to wonder why your husband is upset. You must know that!
Christ the advice people get on this place. Follow it if your drink with a stranger is worth more than your marriage. He’s clearly right to be concerned.