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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask opinions on sex while pregnant with a man who's not the dad

445 replies

blackcoffeeinbed · 07/03/2019 14:59

What are people's opinions on having sex with someone you have met at 25weeks pregnant after being single for 3 months after splitting up from baby's dad?

Have had a friend ask my opinion on wether I think this is acceptable. I was a bit surprised by her asking and didn't really know what to say. I ended up saying it's her life and her body and if she is comfortable then it's her choice but to make sure she uses a condom as she hasn't known this guy long. She responded that she doesn't know if she should because it feels wrong while she has her baby inside her still, I said that if she is unsure then not to pressure herself.

I've never really thought about it tbh and usually I'm just of the opinion what people do isn't any of my business, but reflecting on it now I don't think I personally would if i was her, I can't put my finger on why exactly but then I've never been in her position! What do others think? Would you? Wouldn't you? Have you?

OP posts:
TheTurtleDidItAndRanAway · 07/03/2019 20:45

Turtle that's quite ridiculous.

What's ridiculous?

mumm321 · 07/03/2019 20:46

No that's weird

Dottierichardson · 07/03/2019 20:47

Maybe because when I see pregnant women, I feel protective over them, I feel empathy as I've been there 3 times myself. I don't like that where I think 'ahh lovely', some men think 'oooh I'd tap that preggo' and see her as a sex object.

But you're close to objectifying them too here, as if they are nothing but a full womb that has to be looked after, being pregnant doesn't remove a woman's ability to make her own choices or to have an orgasm with whomsoever she wants. And so what if it does turn out to be a kink on the man's part? That doesn't stop an orgasm being an orgasm or an experience being pleasurable; it all depends on what a particular woman wants from the encounter. And why assume that her pregnancy is all that he's attracted to? Maybe he likes her hair or her smile or even her personality? I wonder sometimes what kind of men a lot of MN women put up, with that they automatically assume the worst?

ShowMeTheKittens · 07/03/2019 20:49

I say ; hellooooo! NOT my Daddy's bell end.

TheTurtleDidItAndRanAway · 07/03/2019 20:50

Condoms are one of the most universally known methods of contraception and STI protection

But that's fine. If you're prepared to admit you thought that Oblamov really believed women could get pregnant twice and were so confused about that. I apologise.

Original poster
blackcoffeeinbed · 07/03/2019 20:52

In response to the posters saying about surrogacy and sex while pregnant, tbh I can't disagree with that. If the scenario is that the surrogate is married or in a long term relationship, and because of her being a surrogate their partner has had a full sexual health screening then I feel it would be unreasonable for the parents of the baby to suggest they didn't have intercourse. I do feel it's slightly different in those circumstances as if the parents weren't comfortable with this then they could find a single surrogate who may be happy to agree to no intercourse, and they also would have the reassurance of the STI test.

In my friends case she doesn't know this man well enough to be sure of his sexual health. Which that and her emotional state are my main concerns in her situation right now.

OP posts:
Villageidiots · 07/03/2019 20:53

OMG. So many awful judgey comments. Typical mumsnet.
If they're both confortable why on earth not?

TheTurtleDidItAndRanAway · 07/03/2019 20:53

Dottierichardson

I agree. And there are a lot of times when a woman is vulnerable, in fact, probably most times she has sex. When you consider the statistics on sexual assault women are always vulnerable during situations where they are alone with a man. But we do need to respect her feelings and her comfort levels.

Actually women are more likely to be sexually abused by a partner I believe anyway? And most abuse gets worse or begins during pregnancy I think.

TheTurtleDidItAndRanAway · 07/03/2019 20:55

I do feel it's slightly different in those circumstances as if the parents weren't comfortable with this then they could find a single surrogate who may be happy to agree to no intercourse, and they also would have the reassurance of the STI test.

People seem to be more concerned by the new penis than the potential for STIs. Your friend can say she wants this guy to have an STI check, it's a reasonable request at any time especially when pregnant,.

Al2O3 · 07/03/2019 20:56

It's OK on the due date. In fact it helps get baby out.

Not on the ward though. Not on the ward.

sagradafamiliar · 07/03/2019 20:57

Dottie I know what you mean about sounding like I'm objectifying pregnant women but that's not the case at all. People are usually protective over protective women, and like to offer to help out i.e offering them seats on buses, ect. It's natural.

As for your other point, I said I was talking from experience. I was single whilst carrying my second. I know, as it was my life, that the attention I received was down to me being obviously/heavily pregnant. I can give you examples as to how I know that but I'd rather not make anyone bilious! As for your question 'so what?' well thank you but I had no desire whatsoever to cater to strangers' questionable fetishes.

sagradafamiliar · 07/03/2019 20:58

Pregnant* not the second 'protective' argh

Dottierichardson · 07/03/2019 20:59

I agree. And there are a lot of times when a woman is vulnerable, in fact, probably most times she has sex. When you consider the statistics on sexual assault women are always vulnerable during situations where they are alone with a man. But we do need to respect her feelings and her comfort levels.

Actually women are more likely to be sexually abused by a partner I believe anyway? And most abuse gets worse or begins during pregnancy I think.

So we go from a woman who is also pregnant wanting to take a sexual partner to abuse! Yes women are abused and far too often, but many women also have one-night stands, short-term relationships and friends with benefits and are just fine. Whatever her situation she has the right to make choices - I'm starting to think there are people on this thread who would like to lock single pregnant women away and throw away the key...

TheTurtleDidItAndRanAway · 07/03/2019 21:00

Not on the ward though. Not on the ward.

Everyone always tells you to do it but IME it's a recipe for humiliation, getting stuck like a bug in an unfortunate position and the worst braxton hicks you'll ever know. Oh and no fucking baby for weeks either.

Dottierichardson · 07/03/2019 21:02

As for your other point, I said I was talking from experience. I was single whilst carrying my second. I know, as it was my life, that the attention I received was down to me being obviously/heavily pregnant. I can give you examples as to how I know that but I'd rather not make anyone bilious! As for your question 'so what?' well thank you but I had no desire whatsoever to cater to strangers' questionable fetishes.

And that is your choice, just as what this woman chooses to do is hers...

sagradafamiliar · 07/03/2019 21:05

I didn't say it wasn't, Dottie

TheTurtleDidItAndRanAway · 07/03/2019 21:05

Sorry Dottie not sure from your post if you realised I was agreeing with you or not. I'm a bit tired. Might not be reading it properly. The point is abuse can happen at any time and no woman can categorically be safe from it. (Not even with a long term partner) so we don't get to start deciding when they are "too vulnerable" to make the choices themselves.

tararabumdeay · 07/03/2019 21:07

Of course it's ok. How many men came home from war and welcomed a preemie a few months after?

Dottierichardson · 07/03/2019 21:27

Turtle Thanks for clarifying I agree with you absolutely. I don't know if you've noticed this too but I find it fascinating reading about single mothers, or in this case single mothers-to-be, on MN. I've never been in that position but I know plenty who have been, all great mothers. But from reading MN they are doomed to be lonely, they are often judged for having relationships when their children are growing up in case their chosen partner is dodgy in some way and now it seems they can't have freedom of choice when pregnant. Seems like for some people they are fair game.

whohaa · 07/03/2019 21:34

My SIL did this whilst she was still married and very much in a relationship with my bro. All behind his back. I can't help but think the other man was a disgusting creep.

pregnantsexgirl · 07/03/2019 22:07

Wow, what a judgy thread!

I should be feeling grim and disgusting by now after being judged from afar.

I ended my relationship not realising I was pregnant. Short time later found out I was pregnant. Not planned, big shock but happy. Father not interested and threatened suicide. Started a FWB thing with my best friend. Carried on until I was 5 months pregnant, then stopped until dc was 3 months old and then carried on for another couple of years. Dc and (now ex) fwb are really close and have a great relationship as he's like a dad to dc.

At no time did I feel grubby or disgusting or wrong. I was horny as hell and madly in love with the fwb. We are still very close but no longer fwb. I prefer being completely single tbh but that time together was amazing. Amazing sex and he was already my best friend so it felt very special.

I do look back and think pregnancy hormones made me slightly nuts but I have no regrets. Two consenting adults. What's the issue?

Oblomov19 · 07/03/2019 22:07

Howwillwedeal do fuck off dear. Sorry if I used the wrong word. HmmI meant protection. From /against std's.
Ok?

And no. I'm not 14. Hmm

Jimdandy · 07/03/2019 22:28

I think it’s just gross and wrong - it just seems unnatural!

burritofan · 07/03/2019 22:30

How is SEX unnatural?!

pregnantsexgirl · 07/03/2019 22:31

Having read the full thread now I'm stunned at the attitudes on here. This is the nastiest thread I've ever read on MN. The misogyny is mind-.blowing.

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