To ask opinions on sex while pregnant with a man who's not the dad

[blackcoffeeinbed]

What are people's opinions on having sex with someone you have met at 25weeks pregnant after being single for 3 months after splitting up from baby's dad?

Have had a friend ask my opinion on wether I think this is acceptable. I was a bit surprised by her asking and didn't really know what to say. I ended up saying it's her life and her body and if she is comfortable then it's her choice but to make sure she uses a condom as she hasn't known this guy long. She responded that she doesn't know if she should because it feels wrong while she has her baby inside her still, I said that if she is unsure then not to pressure herself.

I've never really thought about it tbh and usually I'm just of the opinion what people do isn't any of my business, but reflecting on it now I don't think I personally would if i was her, I can't put my finger on why exactly but then I've never been in her position! What do others think? Would you? Wouldn't you? Have you?

From what the OP says, it sounds as if this isn’t really something she wants to do

It would be far easier to say "I don't want to have sex" than to say, "I talked it over with my mate and we decided it was a bit icky".

To me it sounds like she wants to have sex because sex is fun but she's worried it might be weird or that people would think it was weird if she did it. Maybe prior to being in the situation herself she would have been one of these people calling another woman a "slapper" but now realises she's going to miss out for the next 15 weeks.

It's morally repugnant.
I think it's equally morally repugnant for a man to leave his pregnant girlfriend and sleep with someone else.

It's this kind of morality and selfishness which leads to the great numbers of messed up kids in the world. Thoughtlessly conceived and never their parents top priority.

If she is unsure then I'd advise her to wait or see if it happens naturally.
I personally don't think I would, I didn't really have much sex with DP when pregnant, I felt crap.

You’re not just taking a risk with your own health. You’re risking your baby’s health as well. You have no idea what diseases this man could have, you barely know him. I think it’s really irresponsible, sorry.

I would be wary of potential STDs. Some infections like genital herpes can be passed on despite using a condom, and that is one infection that it particularly dangerous to acquire for the first time during pregnancy, particularly near the third trimester. I’m sure there are other potentially dangerous infections and I wouldn’t want to risk a new partner in that time-frame, however small that risk was.

I think I have an issue more with the man wanting to do this. He wants to have sex (do we know if it's the start of a relationship he wants or just sex) with a woman who is fairly heavily pregnant and not by him.

This is an interesting one and interesting that those who usually consider themesleves broad minded on sex and gender issues feel uncomfortable about it. I feel uncomfortable about it too - not about the woman, but both the woman and the man. I don't think it makes me a misogynist but perhaps someone who has expectations and a sense of appropriate behaviour where children are concerned - and I think it's the children aspect that makes lots of people feel uncomfortable.

Many people will say it is fine for anyone to have sex with whoever they want to if both are consenting adults. In this case, both seem to be. However, I think most people would also say that children deserve some kind of stability. The thing that makes people uncomfortable is that this scenario is all about instability....and he child is about to be born into this....so it's not just sex. So the child was conceived in an unstable relationship which ended fairly early in the pregnancy - unfortunate enough, and then woman is contemplating sex or possibly relationship with another man whilst still pregnant. On the part of both the man and woman (and it's really not about woman bashing here...but the fact remains that only the woman is the one in this story who can actually be oregnant) it seems rather careless and thoughtless and that the scenario that child is being set up to be born into just seems to be unstable. It seems impossible to detach the sex and the relationships from the child. Perhaps it feels more uncomfortable because the child is still in the mother. If this were a woman with a 6 month old baby or a 2 year old or whatever who had come out of one relationship 10 weeks ago and was now entering another, personally I think I would feel the same as I do about this one - and it's a feeling about both the woman and the man.

I just wonder what kind of man thinks he can have sex and a relationship with a woman with children (or child on way) who has recently come out of another relationship, without considering the impact on the children, but can only see sex as a separate non-related issue.....or what kind of woman thinks that too? Entering another relationship always impacts the children - we have to recognise that. It isn't wrong of course but isn't it something which needs careful thought and timing.

Women and men might be free to have sex as they please, but surely most people expect some kind of responsible behaviour from both sexes when relationships clearly do impact on children. Any man or woman might be free to have sex it has many people as they wish, whenever they wish and to have as many relationships as they want, but to pretend it won't impact any children is just foolish. And surely the impact on those children should be considered, not just 'it's her body, she can do what she likes'. And again, the same applies to the men involved. It's not about the woman, but the man and the woman.

Unbelievably depressing and judgemental responses on this thread. I was hornier than a herd of unicorns in my second trimester, if I'd been single I'm sure I would have 'craved some intimacy'. And if I'd met a man I liked who also liked me, I'm sure I would have indulged. It also seems obvious to me that pregnant women are often very sexually attractive.

Anyway, hopefully this has given some people pause to expand their minds a little

My only serious concern would be the health of the baby and the potential risk of infection. Condoms do split. If I were the expectant mum I'd not be willing to take this risk and would abstain, but only for this reason. In terms of the sex while pregnant with a man other than the father idea, I don't understand why some people are recoiling in such disgust from the idea. She's not with him anymore.

As to the comment directed at the PP: 'wanna make it twins?' now that IS gross.

Oh hell, please don't show her this thread fgs.

It's morally repugnant

No it isn’t.

I think it’s really interesting that people haven’t answered the would you be bothered if the baby was conceived via a sperm donor.

I was really surprised by the responses on this thread. My gut reaction is that it’s fine provided a condom is used and that both parties involved are completely happy with the situation.

I think what is disgusting is the PP who have said it’s trashy, Shameless like etc. That kind of judgy nasty attitude over what two consenting adults do is awful.

For example:

A woman gets dumped a few weeks into her pregnancy when her partner says he doesn't want to be a dad.

She then spends 9 months in confinement. Right. Must avoid potential fetishists with too big penises near baby's head.

Then she has to raise and possibly breastfeed a baby..

I suppose at that point her breasts are for the baby only and she can't actually use them for her own enjoyment because that would be disgusting.

The she has a toddler and I guess the guy could be a perv so she couldn't date then.

And when it's a teenager he could be really trying it on with the teenager.

But when the baby moves out she's free to get back in the saddle again?

I meant contraception for std's etc.

I suppose a man fancying a pregnant women is 'weird' in that the purpose of sex is to procreate so it's pointless if the woman's already pregnant.
So someone who doesn't want to get pregnant or is infertile should be celibate or depending on their circumstance a virgin? Older women shouldn't have sex? All older couples shouldn't have sex? I went through an early menopause - in my 30s - by your logic presumably I should have gotten myself to a nunnery! A lot of us enjoy sex without it being linked to reproducing, it's recreational not strictly limited to procreation.

I think the visceral reaction is pure misogyny tbh.

I agree with you, if she wants to have a sexual relationship during pregnancy that's up to her, can't believe the bizarrely moralistic responses on this thread - seems the 1950s are not so far away after all!

Pregnancy is not an illness and healthy pregnant women have needs too. Why should a man not want to be with a pregnant woman?

I meant contraception for std's etc.

I think technically contraception is technically just pregnancy prevention but unless she is happy to admit she's so easily confused I do think that poster got that you meant for STI prevention as it's mostly the same methods. ...

I haven't been dubiously quiet, I've been at the local castle carvery with my children having some family time and have only checked back since I got home and got them to bed, I have a rule when out with my children that unless I'm taking photos then my phone stays in my bag! I'm not glued to it 24/7 like some people (but that's another thread).

Tbh I hadn't expected so many responses, is a lot of food for thought. I agree with those saying about her being vulnerable it's my biggest concern too, but she is an adult and I don't want to feel like I'm preaching to her either way. The STI subject was the first thing that I thought of, it seems a bit of a risk.

It's her birthday in 3 weeks, perhaps I should ask her to hold off and treat her to an all singing and dancing vibrator and a Tom Hardy dvd, that might get it out of her system😂 seriously though she's a lovely woman and she's been badly dumped on by her ex, I can understand her seeking a bit of comfort it's just a complicated time for her. If she wasn't pregnant she wouldn't of thought about even discussing it with me would she. I might try and see if there's a way of meeting this guy so I can see what he's about, what might seem sweet to her might be seedy to me because I'm not looking with rose tinted glasses, I might be able to see through any weirdness. Il invite myself round for a cuppa next time she says he popping in.

I’m wondering if it isn’t just basic mammalian instinct that gives many of us the heeby-jeebies on this one

Turtle that's quite ridiculous.

I'm trying to get my head round why I'm uncomfortable with it. It's not rooted in misogyny- I call out misogyny whenever I see it. Its maybe from my own experience where I'd have known that any one of the men who propositioned me whilst pregnant were doing so because of a kink (I was quite clearly pregnant, obviously showing).
Maybe because when I see pregnant women, I feel protective over them, I feel empathy as I've been there 3 times myself. I don't like that where I think 'ahh lovely', some men think 'oooh I'd tap that preggo' and see her as a sex object.

I suppose a man fancying a pregnant women is 'weird' in that the purpose of sex is to procreate so it's pointless if the woman's already pregnant.

So someone who doesn't want to get pregnant or is infertile should be celibate or depending on their circumstance a virgin?
dottierichardson

It's true. Very weird. Dh keeps trying to have sex with me and he's had the snip! Why good sir, why ever would I lift my nightgown for such shannagins! Weirdo.

@Oblomov19 are you 14 years old? What the fuck is contraception for STDS?

Well personally I think the whole idea of entering into a relationship with a man when you’re pregnant is grim.

No-one on here would countenance a man being in a relationship with another woman while he still had a pregnant ex,and indeed if a woman came on here and said that her new bf’s ex was pregnant she’d be told to run for the hills.. So to me this is no different IMO. And it has nothing to do with the sexual element.

No-one on here would countenance a man being in a relationship with another woman while he still had a pregnant ex,and indeed if a woman came on here and said that her new bf’s ex was pregnant she’d be told to run for the hills.

I might suggest she run for the hills as he's shown a lack of responsibility to the child he helped create and to a woman he has left in a vulnerable state. Unless the woman in question here is taking the fetus out and placing it in a box throughout the entirety of intercourse this is not the same situation at all.

I’m stunned that either the prospective mother or the new man would want to do this. It sounds very unromantic and rather distasteful.

I think technically contraception is technically just pregnancy prevention but unless she is happy to admit she's so easily confused I do think that poster got that you meant for STI prevention as it's mostly the same methods. ...

Really?

Like

The pill ... no
The depo .... no
Vasectomy ... no
Sterilisation.... no
The iud .... no

Condon ... yes

Any others?