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Original poster

To ask opinions on sex while pregnant with a man who's not the dad

445 replies

blackcoffeeinbed · 07/03/2019 14:59

What are people's opinions on having sex with someone you have met at 25weeks pregnant after being single for 3 months after splitting up from baby's dad?

Have had a friend ask my opinion on wether I think this is acceptable. I was a bit surprised by her asking and didn't really know what to say. I ended up saying it's her life and her body and if she is comfortable then it's her choice but to make sure she uses a condom as she hasn't known this guy long. She responded that she doesn't know if she should because it feels wrong while she has her baby inside her still, I said that if she is unsure then not to pressure herself.

I've never really thought about it tbh and usually I'm just of the opinion what people do isn't any of my business, but reflecting on it now I don't think I personally would if i was her, I can't put my finger on why exactly but then I've never been in her position! What do others think? Would you? Wouldn't you? Have you?

OP posts:
Original poster
blackcoffeeinbed · 08/03/2019 00:39

She was in her previous relationship long term, and she's the innocent in that break up. If you've read my pp's you will know she doesn't intend on entering into a relationship with this person. She knows her baby is her priority, and if you read my original post you will see that by no means is she even saying she is going to sleep with this man, in fact she herself doesn't feel 100% comfortable with the idea. I don't blame her for what she's going through to want a bit of attention or intimacy but however much she might want it she's not just jumped in has she? So you making the conclusion that her child will suffer in their upbringing isn't even relevant right now. You've written her off before she's even done anything, and you are clearly saying that every pp on this thread that have slept with someone during their pregnancy have made poor life choices and their children live chaotic lifestyles??

OP posts:
Lockheart · 08/03/2019 00:49

@blackcoffeeinbed how can I "write her off"? I don't know her at all.

Nor have I said her child "will suffer". I've said it can suggest a chaotic home environment.

I don't think it's "gross" or "grim", as many others on here have said. I don't think she's a horrible person.

I'm not passing judgement on any person (except perhaps the man, because I said I'd be wary of a man potentially targeting a vulnerable woman), I'm just commenting on the situation. Which is what your OP was asking about wasn't it?

If she trusts this guy and she's sure he's not a creep and shes 100% happy with this decision then hell I'll bring pompoms and roll out the red carpet. But from you post above she's unsure, which already means it's a bad idea.

Original poster
blackcoffeeinbed · 08/03/2019 01:06

You said her child is Likely to be raised In a chaotic environment! Her child is going to grow up in a loving and stable home with their mum who before they're even born loves them full heartedly.

I agree with the concern about the mans attraction although my friend doesn't think anything of that she says he's lovely. I've never met him so can't comment.

It's something on her mind atm, she's obviously weighing up wether she should or not but she is unsure while she is pregnant because as I say she is putting her baby first. Wether she does or not is up to her, but I don't think it should be assumed or suggested that she would be making poor choices and her child would be raised in a chaotic environment if she chooses to do so. If she was to and does end up in a relationship with this guy (though she's stating it's not her intention because she wants to concentrate on her baby) then the baby who's not even born yet wouldn't know any different. It's highly unlikely that dad will even be involved so baby would by no means suffer her going from that relationship to this one. There are women on here saying they slept with the men they're now married to, that could be my friend for all I know right now.

OP posts:
Klopptimist · 08/03/2019 01:57

Not my life, not my vag, not my business. But if she does, she absolutely MUST insist on a condom.

brookshelley · 08/03/2019 03:03

Where is the misogyny? I think it's a bad idea for both a man and a woman. There was an American football player a few years back who had several children of the same age because he'd impregnated multiple women within months of each other. He was roundly mocked in the press.

Maybe I'm naive but I would sincerely hope the only way a bloke whose ex is 5 months pregnant can get off with another woman is that woman is unaware of his situation.

AngeloMysterioso · 08/03/2019 05:34

How exactly should she “concentrate on her pregnancy”? Just sit at home and think really hard about it?

I mean it makes me feel a bit queasy although I can’t put my finger on why... I probably wouldn’t condone casual sex in her situation but if she is actually in a relationship with this man, why should she have to stay celibate?

LoudJazzHands · 08/03/2019 05:40

I did it. No big deal.

Many women have sex with the father of their unborn child. Physically this is no different. More odd for the man than the pregnant woman, I think.

hopefulhalf · 08/03/2019 06:06

I think it's fine (obviously with usual precautions for STIs). I don't think it's weird for men to fancy pregnant women. I am no looker but glowed in my second pregnancy and many male friends told dh I was looking particularly "hot", they are not perverts. I felt pretty sexy too, if I had been single then why not ?

hopefulhalf · 08/03/2019 06:09

Also surely better (and easier) to play the field while pregnant than after the baby's born.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/03/2019 07:06

OP are you the friend?

WombatChocolate · 08/03/2019 07:19

Personally, I think that some kind of stability for children to be born into and live within is important. Whilst women may be fully entitled to have sex with whoever they like and men too, to think that having lots of sexual partners has zero impact on that stability and hence the children is in my mind disingenuous. Children mean compromise and sacrifice in lots of areas for both men and women. They mean having to think twice about things we might like to do and that we sometimes have to adjust what we do in all kinds of areas- that's not just for women but men too.

I'm not saying this friend should never have sex again and never have a relationship again. Of course not. But I think that both the man and her need to think carefully about how their relationship impacts the setting the baby is born into. It doesn't seem unreasonable to expect responsible adults to do that. If after that consideration by both parties they conclude that a stable environment won't be impacted negatively or enhanced, then fine go ahead....but surely, at least have that thought process and conversation.

Some people seem to see sex on demand as a right or entitlement. I agree that there shouldn't be different standards for men and women, but I also think both need to recognise that when there are children, the freedom to have multiple partners or move in and out of relationships frequently is curtailed.

SparklySneakers · 08/03/2019 07:31

The baby would be unaware of a sexual relationship both in utero and when born if it's just sex. My ds was as were my other 2 dc. I had a fwb when single and pregnant. Went on for years. Children knew nothing of it as I kept it separate. People are so judge on this thread. The old single mothers are lesser beings trope I suppose.

Original poster
blackcoffeeinbed · 08/03/2019 07:33

No I am not the friend! I am currently 10 weeks pregnant with my partner of 11yrs, we are hopefully going to be having our rainbow baby.

I agree that to just dive into this would be irresponsible and possibly cause her an even more complicated situation than she's already in, she knows this hence she's giving it the thought she is. I believe she will do what is right for her and her baby.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/03/2019 07:36

Ok OP it’s just that you seem to know a lot about her feelings and seem quite defensive of her.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

JacquesHammer · 08/03/2019 07:39

They’re adults. It’s just sex.

Provided it’s consensual and they practice safe sex, then where’s the issue?

Original poster
blackcoffeeinbed · 08/03/2019 07:42

I am defensive of her because she's my friend and I think it's unfair how people can go further than just give their opinion on the matter and insult her as a potential mother! I know a lot about her feelings because we speak most days and she opens up to me about a lot, I would rather in this situation she talks to me and tells me how she's feeling rather than keeping it all to herself whilst in a vulnerable position and potentially make a hasty decision that will impact her life.

OP posts:
brookshelley · 08/03/2019 07:43

The fact that she's worrying about it suggests she might have some feelings for him and it's not "just sex."

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/03/2019 07:43

I wonder what she’d make of you posting her private stuff on MN?
Do you think she’d mind? Hope she doesn’t see it.

FermatsTheorem · 08/03/2019 07:45

OP, stop for a moment and imagine how your friend would feel if she stumbled on this thread and realised it was about her. And then think what the fact that you'd started it would do to your friendship.

If I were you, I'd ask MN to take the thread down.

brookshelley · 08/03/2019 07:45

GreatDuckCookery doubt she's the only single pregnant woman in the world...how would anyone know who it's about specifically?

JacquesHammer · 08/03/2019 07:50

The fact that she's worrying about it suggests she might have some feelings for him and it's not "just sex

Or maybe she’s worried about judgmental attitudes. Can’t say I blame her on the back of this thread!

summerisgone · 08/03/2019 08:19

OP, stop for a moment and imagine how your friend would feel if she stumbled on this thread and realised it was about her. And then think what the fact that you'd started it would do to your friendship.

I think this may be a reverse. The OP seems to know a lot about the 'friend.'

summerisgone · 08/03/2019 08:26

JMO.

summerisgone · 08/03/2019 08:26

JMO.

StarCutterCookie · 08/03/2019 08:28

It's fucking weird, by all means fill your boots... Its still weird though.

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