Gossip that has gone very wrong

[ChorltonCreamery]

One of my children is in an 'organisation' think church group, Scouts etc They are in a friendship group of about six or eight and the mothers are friendly enough, if some of them don't know each other they will have mutual friends etc.
One of the women 'A' is a real character, very funny and charismatic with very talented and charming children. When one of her children came to my child's birthday party I thought that her grandfather had brought her...it was their father. A is married to a man old enough to be her father. He has grandchildren who are older than his children with A.
At the weekend the mothers went out together for the first time but 'A' couldn't come. The conversation turned to 'A' and the relationship that she had with this man. At no point was it 'nasty' as such but comments were made about the age gap etc. One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad.
Well last night in front of some of the children 'A' confronted us! She had been briefed (I think by a woman at the next table to us who had lingered after her bill came). She completely demolished us intellectually, asking what had she done to provoke such a reaction and picked on us individually. Unforgivably she then asked a teenager whether her mother had brought her up to behave so despicably a manner and whether she thought it was appropriate to gossip behind people's backs. One of the group disappeared round a corner and was sick.
It was utterly hideous. I know I am guilty of joining in. I don't know what to do. One of the other children has told my child what happened. Only one of the group has responded to my text saying that she thinks that 'the circle' is at an end and the other person that she has spoken to has spent the morning in bed with a migraine.
I know I am to blame for joining in but I didn't initiate the gossip, but how would you react now. What is the way forward?

[TheInvestigator]

floribunda18, the fact that them not being invited to an event because the guy a older suggests the conversation was nasty. Like, "we didn't invite him because we didn't want to talk to an old man" and then the others "oh gosh, I know... It's so odd and he's so old, why would we want to hang out with him". Expand from there.

It wasn't just chat. It was nasty.

[recrudescence]

I think the motivation of the woman at the next table was questionable. She should have bollocked the mean girls and left the charismatic woman out of it.

[HollowTalk]

I think the woman at the next table should have called you out on it.

[TeaforTwoBiscuitOrThree]

Oh dear. Not nice to gossip behind your friend's back. You all have to do some serious grovelling. Imagine how she much feel.

[Mmmhmmm]

I call bullshit on the comments about A and her relationship not being nasty. You all sound like a right pack of clucking hags.

One of my Mum friends, has a much older husband...so what??? I'm older than my husband and no one cares either. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[icannotremember]

I think you should offer her a full, genuine apology which doesn't seek to excuse yourself in any way- no mention of not being the one to bring it up. Really owning that what you all did was wrong and that you are ashamed of yourself. Best to do this face to face if you can, but if you can't screw up the courage to do that, send her a card. Oh, and do not say that her behaviour towards the teen was unforgivable- it was not.

[floribunda18]

I think the motivation of the woman at the next table was questionable

Me too. This is the crux of the matter. She may well have amplified, misheard or misinterpreted the comments and just caused trouble for nothing.

[Rixera]

I wonder what you'd think about me, with a partner just about old enough to be my grandfather

She will get enough judgment just being out and about with her DP, she should at least be able to trust her so called friends not to bitch

[MargoLovebutter]

OP said it wasn't "nasty as such" and then went on to describe how A and her husband hadn't been invited to another get together because he was old and referred to the discussion as being about A and "this man" (her husband).

If A was livid, then I'm guessing the gossip that was relayed to her, wasn't just A is married to an older man as there is nothing to be livid about there or take anyone to pieces intellectually. OP also uses words like 'guilty' and 'to blame', which suggests that whatever was said or done is something she feels guilty about!

[NotStayingIn]

Sorry what did your text to the group say? Did I miss that bit?

Were you trying to discuss with the group how to apologise and they aren't interested? Leave them to their migraines and vomiting then and make your own apology asap.

I like what Echobelly suggested: send her a card or something saying what you said about her, that she was quite right for taking you all to task and you're extremely sorry you didn't walk away from a conversation that was hurtful to her.

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

A sounds fab. I’d love to be able to tell someone off to the extreme they threw up.

You got exactly what you deserved.

[SecretMillionaire]

I know who I would rather be friends with. It certainly wouldn’t be a group of bitchy women.

Now ‘A’ had given you all short shrift you could’ve next in the firing line when the others get bored and it would be well deserved.

[HollowTalk]

@Rixera, how does that work with friendship groups, if your partner is old enough to be your granddad?

[AzraiL]

I want to be 'A' when I grow up.

[SecretMillionaire]

Could be not could’ve.

[ChampagneCommunist]

I'm not A, but I could be. I am in a similar age-gap relationship and have been for many, many years.

We don't get invited to things, our child is excluded from some friendship groups and no-one really speaks to DP at pick-up/drop-off at school (he's a SAHD).

No-one has ever said anything to us directly, but it's all pretty obvious. There are a lot of ignorant bitches/dickheads around, sadly.

[Foxyloxy1plus1]

So no response from OP. Skewed values much!

[scarbados]

The way forward is for you all to start to grow up and act like adults who are old enough to be parents, especially the husband who can't possibly talk to a man older than himself. I've never heard anything so pathetic.

Glad I'm not a friend of any of you.

[carrotflinger]

The vomiting and migraine thing is absolutely ridiculous.

You said it wasn't nasty "as such". What does that mean? Sounds bitchy to me. The man who excluded the older man because he's old sounds like a prize knob. Why on earth can't he talk to the older man?

The woman at the next table sounds like a bit of a bitch as well. I can't stand people who go round telling other people nasty things that other people have said about them. Why would you do that? You're just going to cause the other person pain. What they don't know can't hurt them. She should have called you out on it. She sounds like a sneak.

[Biancadelrioisback]

Someone was sick from being called out for being nasty behind someone else's back? Sounds like a case of "can give it but can't take it". How utterly pathetic.

[Fraying]

I'm surprised this isn't a zombie thread . . . from a man in the 1950s
Women all bitch and then collapse with migraines and sickness when called on it. I know films are fond of these storylines but in RL people who bitch are usually quite robust.

[fleshmarketclose]

I think A sounds great, it's an awesome skill to induce vomiting and migraine from handing out a rollocking. You lot should feel honoured that she bothered with the rest of you as you are obviously considerably inferior in both intelligence and charisma.

[MistressDeeCee]

When one of her children came to my child's birthday party I thought that her grandfather had brought her...it was their father. A is married to a man old enough to be her father. He has grandchildren who are older than his children with A

Where's my smelling salts...

[NewFoneWhoDis]

Kinda skimmed over a lot of detail there OP. But impressively detailed on her behaviour. Funny that.

So on that basis, I'll assume that you along with the others got rightly stuck in and you all said hurtful and awful things about the couple. So you all deserved it. And I love that it gave you all the fucking vapours to get actually called to account for your behaviour.

As to what you do now? You contact her away from this group and apologise profusely for what you said. Don't try to minimise it or deflect, be honest and contrite. Then assume that you lost a terrific friend and leave it up to her if she ever wants anything to do with you again. And consider seriously who your friends are.

My dad was considerably older than my peers. Old enough to be their grandfather. He was an amazing dad and because he was in early retirement was present after school throughout my childhood - such a gift to have. I was so proud to have him as my dad. I would not have wanted to attend a group where I knew all the other mothers held a bitchfest about him.

[IvanaPee]

She completely demolished us intellectually, asking what had she done to provoke such a reaction and picked on us individually. Unforgivably she then asked a teenager whether her mother had brought her up to behave so despicably a manner and whether she thought it was appropriate to gossip behind people's backs. One of the group disappeared round a corner and was sick.

Fuck sake!

I’m sure A is far happier being away from a group of such judgmental, bitchy, ridiculous drama queens.

I’m exhausted just reading that shite. Throwing up cause you were caught being a cunt is not a normal reaction. Maybe you could all get a group therapy session.