Gossip that has gone very wrong

[ChorltonCreamery]

One of my children is in an 'organisation' think church group, Scouts etc They are in a friendship group of about six or eight and the mothers are friendly enough, if some of them don't know each other they will have mutual friends etc.
One of the women 'A' is a real character, very funny and charismatic with very talented and charming children. When one of her children came to my child's birthday party I thought that her grandfather had brought her...it was their father. A is married to a man old enough to be her father. He has grandchildren who are older than his children with A.
At the weekend the mothers went out together for the first time but 'A' couldn't come. The conversation turned to 'A' and the relationship that she had with this man. At no point was it 'nasty' as such but comments were made about the age gap etc. One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad.
Well last night in front of some of the children 'A' confronted us! She had been briefed (I think by a woman at the next table to us who had lingered after her bill came). She completely demolished us intellectually, asking what had she done to provoke such a reaction and picked on us individually. Unforgivably she then asked a teenager whether her mother had brought her up to behave so despicably a manner and whether she thought it was appropriate to gossip behind people's backs. One of the group disappeared round a corner and was sick.
It was utterly hideous. I know I am guilty of joining in. I don't know what to do. One of the other children has told my child what happened. Only one of the group has responded to my text saying that she thinks that 'the circle' is at an end and the other person that she has spoken to has spent the morning in bed with a migraine.
I know I am to blame for joining in but I didn't initiate the gossip, but how would you react now. What is the way forward?

[anniehm]

Start by profusely apologising. I've met plenty of dads older than my dad over the years and there's a big difference between brief comments about the age gap and proper gossip which is cruel. If she's happy then it's none of your business. I do feel for the kids but that's a whole different thread

[Bluntness100]

Unforgivably she then asked a teenager whether her mother had brought her up to behave so despicably a manner and whether she thought it was appropriate to gossip behind people's backs

Good for her. Nothing unforgivable there. She led by example and asked an appropriate question. Why should she hide what the parent did from the teen. She owes the woman nothing.

[Theimpossiblegirl]

I'm another one proud of A for calling out the bullying, gossipy behaviour. The rest of the group needs to take a long, hard look at themselves.

You should apologise but I wouldn't blame A if she didn't have anything to do with you and your group of mean girls again.

Migraines and being sick=making it all about them rather than owing their behaviour imo.

[BlueCornishPixie]

Not from a's perspective I mean, from the rest of you.

It clearly wasn't an observation. An observation would be "As husband is quite a lot older than her" "oh yes he is" move on. Its hardly anything anyone would report back.

[SilverySurfer]

Good for her. I hope it's a lesson learned by you and your friends and the husband who said he found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his father is frankly pathetic. With so called friends like that who needs enemies?

How do you go forward? You start with a heartfelt apology and it's then up to her if she wishes to continue the friendship or not. Frankly I would be telling you all to go fuck yourselves.

[MargoLovebutter]

I don't believe the crap about a man not wanting to speak to someone older than him. FFS, how does the man relate to his own father or uncles, his colleagues in the workplace? Is he expecting his own kids not to speak to him in 30 years time because he is old? We are not a generation in isolation for crying out loud!

[TheViceOfReason]

So to cut a long story short, a group of you got together and discussed / gossiped about another friends relationship, and outright said you left them out of things due to her husbands age (really??? is that friends husband who cannot interact with someone older a complete twat??), and when your victim had the balls to call you out on it, you think she is unreasonable?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

And good on your victim to ask a teen if she was brought up to have such terrible behaviour. Hopefully the teen will remember that and behave better than you lot did.

As for the woman being sick because someone called their shitty behaviour out. For fucks sake... really?

Grow the fuck up. Try treating people how you would like to be treated.

[Aquamarine1029]

You and the other gobby cows actually slagged this woman off because her husband is older than the norm? Jesus Christ. How pathetic of ALL of you, and you deserve everything you get. You have utterly humiliated yourself.

[tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz]

I admire her for confronting you, that couldn't have been easy for her. I think you've all behaved pretty badly actually and not in a position to judge her responses at all. And as for that guy saying they were uncomfortable having to spend time in the company of someone old enough to be his dad? WTF? Ageist twat.

Our children watch everything we do and copy. You have to make sure your setting a good example.

Hopefully you can all learn from this.

[TheViceOfReason]

As for what to do, think long and hard about your awful behaviour. If someone did that to you, how would you feel?

Apologise profusely.

Do not expect A to give you another minute of her time.

Remember this incident next time you are tempted to gossip and bitch.

[JRMisOdious]

This is exactly why I don’t do groups 😁

[Littleraindrop15]

I'm glad À called you all out but it's also human nature to gossip. I would be apologising

[tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz]

I don't think gossiping is human nature. Unless you're an idiot

[theWarOnPeace]

I can’t get over the vomiting and migraine! Caught gossiping and then somehow become the victim? FWIW I know of some groups where there are some gossip-worthy people, especially at school, and I am guilty of indulging in the odd scrap of gossip about them - also they are not what I would consider nice people, or my friends at all. If I was caught out gossiping about them though, I would definitely apologise for hurting them, even if deep down I felt that they deserved it! I wouldn’t cry and vomit.

[SouthernComforts]

Vomiting and migraines because you got pulled up on being bitchy? Come off it.

[sonjadog]

You send her a message with your sincere apology and leave it at that. If she wants anything more to do with you then she will be in touch.

[BadLad]

If Mr Kipling was here, he'd call you exceedingly pathetic.

[JuniperGins]

Personally I’d put my hands up, I’d just say I was thoughtless and I didn’t think through how it would feel to hear it. That I don’t judge or disapprove of her but mindlessly got involved in chit chat that that I can see on reflection was hurtful, although it wasn’t my intent I’m sorry to engage in hurtful talk. I’d say I value her friendship, and my child values the friendship, and I hope she can accept this as a true apology and we can try to build it up again better with a promise to think before I gossip.

Then I’d just sit back and wait, she may or may not want to and it’s something you’ll have to accept if she doesn’t.

[BlueMerchant]

Go and knock on her door with a box of chocolates and a big apology- on your own.
This little group of mum's sound awful. If you couldn't attend one of the get-togethers you'd be forever thinking they'd be gossiping about you. I couldn't be part of that.

[outpinked]

You are supposed to be her friends but decided to gossip behind her back and are now perturbed that she didn’t like that . These are playground antics, not the sort of thing grown adults involve themselves with.

I suggest you all apologise strongly and try to move forward. In future don’t gossip about ‘friends’.

[evaperonspoodle]

Apologize sincerely and try to move on.

I will say though that someone in my friendship group remarried a much older man. He was very elderly and often forgot that we were not from his generation, asking us about our favourite war time experiences. It really changed the dynamic of get togethers and rightly or wrongly the group tried to exclude them in a way that wasn't nasty.

[EyesAreNeverClosing]

Say sorry, admit you were wrong and hope the woman accepts it. Whether she does or doesn't, learn from it.

[Fraxion]

Can I be friends with A? She sounds great. The rest of you on the other hand.....

Me too. Disgraceful behaviour OP, hope you've learned a valuable lesson.

[Namestheyareachangin]

Gosh you all sound neurotic. Vomiting and migraines because some woman gave you all a justified ticking off? It's like a victorian melodrama.

[MaMaMaMySharona]

My DF was 56 when I was born, so certainly much older than my friend's dads when I was growing up. I would be absolutely mortified and hugely upset if someone gossiped about him and my DM behind their backs.

Utterly childish and rude. You need to properly apologise to her in person, but don't expect her to forgive you.