Gossip that has gone very wrong

[ChorltonCreamery]

One of my children is in an 'organisation' think church group, Scouts etc They are in a friendship group of about six or eight and the mothers are friendly enough, if some of them don't know each other they will have mutual friends etc.
One of the women 'A' is a real character, very funny and charismatic with very talented and charming children. When one of her children came to my child's birthday party I thought that her grandfather had brought her...it was their father. A is married to a man old enough to be her father. He has grandchildren who are older than his children with A.
At the weekend the mothers went out together for the first time but 'A' couldn't come. The conversation turned to 'A' and the relationship that she had with this man. At no point was it 'nasty' as such but comments were made about the age gap etc. One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad.
Well last night in front of some of the children 'A' confronted us! She had been briefed (I think by a woman at the next table to us who had lingered after her bill came). She completely demolished us intellectually, asking what had she done to provoke such a reaction and picked on us individually. Unforgivably she then asked a teenager whether her mother had brought her up to behave so despicably a manner and whether she thought it was appropriate to gossip behind people's backs. One of the group disappeared round a corner and was sick.
It was utterly hideous. I know I am guilty of joining in. I don't know what to do. One of the other children has told my child what happened. Only one of the group has responded to my text saying that she thinks that 'the circle' is at an end and the other person that she has spoken to has spent the morning in bed with a migraine.
I know I am to blame for joining in but I didn't initiate the gossip, but how would you react now. What is the way forward?

"One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad."

I've never heard anything like it! An adult who finds it weird to speak to an older adult? This is so strange! Honestly, I'd have found this a much more engaging topic of conversation.

As far as building bridges. This woman sounds like she's a bit out of your league anyway - funny, charismatic, great mum, confident and forthright - you should just apologise for being such a dick and not take up any more of her time.

Floribundas: not nasty “as such” says it all. Of course it was. A is terribly funny and charismatic with very bright children. Guessing her older husband is successful too. Jealous, much?
Comments about the age difference? Do people honestly care about other couples’ personal relationships so much that they talk about them at the first opportunity? People are advising wordy apologies. On reflection, wouldn’t bother. The members of this coven can apologise until they’re blue in the face, I doubt A will give them a backward glance. OPs lost who sounds like a pretty worthwhile friend, if I were her, U’d never trust this lot again. And the irony that they met through a church group, hilarious.
An adult man who feels weird talking to someone so much older than him? Good grief. Hope he’s planning for a very lonely retirement on that basis.

Unforgivably she then asked a teenager

Errrr, A is not the one looking for forgiveness from a bunch of shallow, petty, nasty bitches!

You were caught out, being very much in the wrong and you’re still trying to turn this around onto A. Don’t bother with your fake apology, just leave the poor woman alone and stick with the other ‘friends’
A is so much better off without you and the rest of this catty bunch I doubt you can make it right anyway.

I think the poor lady is well rid of you all. Apologise yes, it don't expect her to want to continue to be your "friend".

I’m not sure how you’re so lost as to how this happened?! Whether you were horrible or not, you WERE talking about this woman and her husband for no reason other than to gossip about their age gap. I’m actually failing to see how this wouldn’t have come across to anyone as not being horrible and bitchy! Quite frankly I think you all need to have a word with yourselves and apologise to this poor woman who has done absolutely nothing wrong but be singled out by the lot of you like some sort of ridiculous Mean Girls scene. I wouldn’t blame her if she told you all to get stuffed again and moved on with her life to find people who are actual grown ups instead of just pretending to be.

My dad was an 'older dad' when I was growing up and people sometimes thought he was my grandad, perhaps not helped by the fact he lost his hair young. He was only 38 when my mum had me (at 36), but it was just that in that area in the 80s, people had often got two generations in by the age of 38.

I’m from an unconventional family. There’s uncles younger than their nephews and nieces and siblings old enough to be their brothers and sisters parents. It really fucking stings when people judge us because we don’t fit into the ‘normal’ box. Fact is, society’s view of what a ‘normal family’ looks like is a very recent construct. It wasn’t that long ago, it was perfectly average to have families existing this way.

You sound like the Mean Girls at school and good on A for calling you out on your bullshit. Maybe you’ve learnt a lesson to step up and actively shut down bitchy conversations or at least remove yourself from them. A had probably heard all of this and worse before now but hearing it from people that you thought considered friends must be terrible. She’s shown some great strength there.

And what’s with all the drama?! Being sick, taken to bed with a migraine. Grow up FFS.

' wasn't nasty as such' meaning it was.
What a horrible bunch of cows you are. A is better off without friends like you

And the irony that they met through a church group, hilarious.

To be fair she didn't actually say it was a church group, she said "think church group".
Wouldn't be surprised though if it was a church group. I've experienced the nastiest kind of gossip and bullying in church groups.
(I'm a Christian so I'm not against religion and church groups - but I really have no idea how people who profess to be Christians can be so horrible to each other.

I have texted her along the lines of Juniper’s post.
I am genuinely mortified and not just because I was found out. It felt wrong at the time. As for the other women I think that they are nice. You all will no doubt disagree with me and such violent reactions I think are because we are unused to conflict. Another friend has also apologised by text and feels that the whole dynamic has changed. The father who excluded this couple is not the partner of anyone in this group but a parent at the school the children ‘A’ and a woman in our group ‘s children went to.
It is highly unusual in this group to have this much of an age gap and I maintain that the conversation we had fuelled by wine was not essentially nasty but an expression of curiosity. I deeply regret what has happened and the result is a damaged atmosphere for our girls.

She completely demolished us intellectually,

I very much doubt this was difficult to do for her tbh

We can only live in hope this is the end of your nasty little group and that everyone who doesn't 'fit' to your social norms are now safe from your nasty tounges.

Oh and the teenage probably learned first hand the hurt and distress cause by nasty gossips.

So A did her a favour

Having migraines and being sick over being called out on being such bitches. How pathetic. And what she said to the teenager wasn’t unforgivable at all, she had a good point. Maybe you’ll all think first before being so nasty in the future.

OP, I'm interested in your thread title. Gossip that has gone "wrong". If A hadn't caught you out and intellectually demolished you (good for her!), would you have considered that gossip gone "right"? What would be the "right" outcome of bitching gossiping for you?

@HollowTalk

how is the age of someone's partner even relevant to a friendship group?

I'm seeing a friend tonight. I'm 43, she's 53, her partner is, I think 38.

when we are in a group together, it's fine. The last guy I dated would now be...65? I mean, who cares about this stuff?

Surely this is a reverse?

A lot of Mumsnet talk is gossiping about other people. I see no-one else has spotted the irony of their comments on this thread on the horrors of gossiping.

Good on A for actually calling the lot of you out on your nastiness.

Just an idea, in future, don't speak behind people's backs saying things you wouldn't say to their faces.

It's a good idea I find.

That doesn't mean I'm never nasty by the way, it means I'm not going to come over all Elizabeth Bennett if someone has a go.

It's happened before, I was asked if I'd said something and my response was yes, because it was true.

Your example, nasty, petty, snide and horrid. I'm glad you've all had a shock!

If someone reported back to A it must have been pretty obvious who you were discussing and loud enough to overhear. You should all take a hard look at what has happened and how, and check those playground bitch tendencies in future. Start by apologising to A and seeing what friendship, if any, you can salvage. The others are just playing the victim with their vapours and talk of a broken circle.

God I really hope this is a reverse. OP if you are A, please PM me as I would like to be your friend and learn your awesome Bitch Takedown Skillz :D

You sound even more pathetic after that update. And no, your friends are not nice people, they are simply ‘nice’ to those people who are like themselves.

OP "It is highly unusual in this group to have this much of an age gap"

so what? Why does something "unusual" generate so much weirdness?

I'd ask if you live in Royston Vasey but tbh I've never seen the show, just the comment here sometimes!

@MamaLovesMango absolutely!

OP I've been the subject of "chat" like this, it's disgraceful behaviour from someone with children of their own. It nearly destroyed my career and had devastating effects on my mental health. Grow the fuck up and learn a lesson from this. She's better off away from the lot of you, and I think she sounds awesome. Now leave her alone, and I suggest you reflect on your choice of friends, and what behaviour you'd like to teach your own children.

Bollox

I'm actually laughing at the thoughts of the one vomiting round the corner and another getting a migraine - it's like a comedy sketch. While some of you may not have commented within the conversation you should have had the decency to shut the conversation down.