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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that DP won't support me at my Gran's funeral

78 replies

Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:08

My Gran died 2 weeks ago. She was 92 and it wasn't unexpected but I was incredibly close to her and I'm completely heartbroken.

It's her funeral on Wednesday. I have 2 children and I don't really want them at the service as I feel it's a very emotional time and I don't want to put pressure on them. I also want to be able to cry and grieve without worrying about them seeing me distressed.

DS1 will be in school but I don't have child care for DS2 who is 4 years old.

DP offered on Tuesday to take some time off work, he'd only need to be there for about 30 minutes, just to take DS2 for a walk while I go to the service.

Today I've texted DP asking if he's managed to take time off and he's replied with "bugger I completely forgot. I can't as I've got meetings next week. Sorry"

I've been with him for 18 months, we don't live together yet. He didn't know my Gran well so I wasn't expecting him to come to the funeral as such but am very hurt that he can't take time off to support me and that he also forgot to ask!

He's been working on a big project at work that's been going on for the last 6 months and has put a huge amount of pressure on our relationship. Work has come before everything. My birthday, Christmas etc. I've been understanding and patient but am beginning to get tired of not feeling like I'm a priority in his life and my needs coming second to his job all the time.

He's now texting me asking me if I'm mad at him and can't bring myself to reply. Maybe I'm being unreasonable but I just feel to not support your girlfriend at her Gran's funeral isn't really acceptable.

Or maybe I'm just being horrible Sad

OP posts:
Katterinaballerina · 07/03/2019 13:11

I’m so sorry for your loss. Is there someone within your family and friends who could pop out with your DS?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 07/03/2019 13:11

Work has come before everything. My birthday, Christmas etc.

And now your gran’s funeral where you need his support.

Take note OP. This who he is. This is your future if you stay with him. You are not a priority.

NannyRed · 07/03/2019 13:13

Sorry if this comes across as harsh, it’s not intended to be mean, but your dp ‘s job is more important. I always think the living should get priority over the dead. So meetings he has already booked count as a priority. .

Flowers. I’m sorry for your loss, I do hope you can find someone to help out with childcare.

ittakes2 · 07/03/2019 13:16

I'm sorry for your loss...this is a relatively new relationship and he has already put his job before your birthday, Christmas and now your gran's funeral. Things don't usually get better. Maybe its not the right time for you as a couple - let him go focus on his career and if you were meant to be together he will come back to you.

sendinallthesheep · 07/03/2019 13:17

NannyRed, but the OP IS living, and grieving; shouldn't she be the priority? Funerals aren't for the dead, they are for the people mourning them. The OP has asked her partner for support, which he initially said he'd give, and has now withdrawn.

OP, I agree with PP, if you are not his priority now, you are unlikely to be in the future. I am so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:17

They were meetings he looked after he'd forgotten to take the time off, that's why I'm upset.

His diary was clear, that's why he offered in the first place. But then he forgot. That's why I'm really hurt.

If his diary had already been full I would understand more.

OP posts:
MigGril · 07/03/2019 13:17

To be honest you where close to your Gran. Did your kids know her well to?

If so I would take them to the funeral. They also need chance to say goodbye, they won't understand not seeing her again if they don't get to say goodbye. Even if you only let them go to the wake.

We took ours out of school for DH's Gran's funeral, school will allow this. DS was only 6 he remembers her fondly he still talks about missing her. Kids cope fine at funerals and to be honest it's easier if they go to more distant relatives first when young.

I was never allowed at any of my grandparents. The worst thing being was that then my first funeral was then my mum's.

Smurfie12 · 07/03/2019 13:18

Sorry for your loss.

You are not being horrible, but maybe not thinking clearly which is understandable considering the timings.

Can I ask what you would have done if you didn't have a DP, who would you have asked to have your DCS, whilst you went to the funeral ?

I've been in your shoes, widowed young with 1 newborn and one toddler. I had to take them to their dads/my husbands, their nana's, great gran and aunts funeral all within 1 year. I had no-one else to look after them so they had to go with me, not ideal but I wasn't missing my grans funeral.

Original poster
Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:18

I've tried to be patient and understanding but just feel like this has tipped me over an age.

Struggling to find anyone else that can help at the moment.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 07/03/2019 13:18

I can see both sides here. He doesn't live with you, your DD isn't his child, this funeral isn't his family/ILs and sometimes work DOES have to take priority especially if this is his long term career he's investing in.

However, I'd be wary of the fact that work has taken over completely - of course this might be a one-off project - or he could just be shit at separating his work life from his home life. Only you are in a position to judge.

And on the other hand he offered to take time off work - and then forgot.

I hope you can find a friend or other family member to watch your DD - and sorry you're having such a tough time.

Hwory · 07/03/2019 13:19

Surely @nannyred if her partner booked the time off when he offered rather then forgetting the meetings wouldn’t have been booked so they shouldn’t be a priority?

The op is living and is struggling with the loss of her grandparent is she not a priority?

WWWWicked · 07/03/2019 13:19

Can’t the child’s father look after him?

Original poster
Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:20

I took DS1 to the hospital to say goodbye and he's happy not to come to the funeral.

Just worried DS2 might say something awkward like "Gan Gan is dead" etc and it'll upset my mum.

Also just don't want him seeing me upset. Crying now thinking about it.

Thing is DP offered when I told him when the funeral was so I didn't think I'd need to ask anyone else.

OP posts:
Warmhandscoldheart · 07/03/2019 13:22

I am sorry for your loss Flowers
I agree with @MaxiBondi. You've been together 18 months and I would expect him to be at the funeral to support you in any way he can.

Original poster
Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:23

Child's father isn't really an option. We're separated and he lives far away. He sees DS2 regularly but we have a strained relationship and I'd rather not ask. I have left a voicemail with his mum though asking her, we have a good relationship but she's not well at the moment so I was trying to avoid asking her.

It'll work out.

It's just his behaviour that's upset me and I'm obviously not in a good place anyway.

Just have no idea how to respond to him or what to do next.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 07/03/2019 13:23

I do sympathise with you, OP. But working in a high-pressured job, too, I can often forget to book things out for personal appointments if a high priority meeting comes up that I need to attend. If it's one that he cannot rearrange, the assumption is it's one that he has to attend.

DS isn't your DP's child, so it's somewhat understandable that it's slipped from his mind when booking meetings.

That's not to say that you don't deserve to be upset about it. I don't think it makes him a bad partner, I think it sounds like he just has an important job.

Original poster
Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:25

We had a really happy, healthy, honest relationship. We were planning to move in together.

Then everything went mad at work and he got very depressed. His mood is slowly improving now though but it's been hard on me.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/03/2019 13:25

I'm sorry about your Gran, but I think you should definitely take your children to the funeral. It is very important to allow your children to witness the celebration and mourning of a loved ones life.

As for your boyfriend, you've known all along that for him, work trumps all, even you. This will never, ever change. I'd move on quickly if I were you.

GabriellaMontez · 07/03/2019 13:26

He doesn't care enough. Some people on here think that's ok. That work is more important. That's fine if that's how they want to live. I don't and I wouldn't be satisfied.

I'd reply honestly to him. "Yes I'm hurt and disappointed". His response will tell you lots.

Your reasons for not taking your dc to the funeral are sound and I'm not sure why anyone is trying to convince you otherwise.

Original poster
Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:27

Yes he has an important job but I feel.like he can take time off when he needs to. He took a week off to redecorate his flat for example.

Just feels like everything is more of a priority than me but I'm probably just being selfish.

OP posts:
geekone · 07/03/2019 13:27

I think YABU, he’s not your DCs dad he’s not living with you and he barely knew your gran can their dad or their dads family not be there to help. I think 18 months in to a relationship, where you have kids involved he should probably only be at the sholder to cry on stage and not the you take the child stage. Child will be fine at the funeral, they need to also see that parents sometimes get upset or they could lack empathy later on.
Sorry but again I think the same with your other points Christmas etc. He’s your boyfriend not your family

GabriellaMontez · 07/03/2019 13:29

When are you planning to move in?

hardyloveit · 07/03/2019 13:29

I know he offered and then forgot however he isn't the child's dad and doesn't live with you either. This should be something you should ask the child's dad or a friend? Maybe an extra session at preschool?

In a way I'd be the same as your dp. Until a relationship got serious - as in living together etc my job would be number one priority if he has put so much effort into it incase the relationship didn't last.

Sorry for your lose! It's hard losing people we are close to. Hope you manage to sort out childcare

Original poster
Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:30

I've replied saying

"Being mad at you won't change anything but I'm not in a good place at the moment and I need time and space to think about things."

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/03/2019 13:30

Take some pressure of yourself and take your dc to the funeral. It’s a bit crap your partner won’t help you out right now but I can see this from his side too.

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