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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that DP won't support me at my Gran's funeral

78 replies

Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:08

My Gran died 2 weeks ago. She was 92 and it wasn't unexpected but I was incredibly close to her and I'm completely heartbroken.

It's her funeral on Wednesday. I have 2 children and I don't really want them at the service as I feel it's a very emotional time and I don't want to put pressure on them. I also want to be able to cry and grieve without worrying about them seeing me distressed.

DS1 will be in school but I don't have child care for DS2 who is 4 years old.

DP offered on Tuesday to take some time off work, he'd only need to be there for about 30 minutes, just to take DS2 for a walk while I go to the service.

Today I've texted DP asking if he's managed to take time off and he's replied with "bugger I completely forgot. I can't as I've got meetings next week. Sorry"

I've been with him for 18 months, we don't live together yet. He didn't know my Gran well so I wasn't expecting him to come to the funeral as such but am very hurt that he can't take time off to support me and that he also forgot to ask!

He's been working on a big project at work that's been going on for the last 6 months and has put a huge amount of pressure on our relationship. Work has come before everything. My birthday, Christmas etc. I've been understanding and patient but am beginning to get tired of not feeling like I'm a priority in his life and my needs coming second to his job all the time.

He's now texting me asking me if I'm mad at him and can't bring myself to reply. Maybe I'm being unreasonable but I just feel to not support your girlfriend at her Gran's funeral isn't really acceptable.

Or maybe I'm just being horrible Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:57

As for DP I think I need to take a step back and do some serious thinking

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 07/03/2019 13:59

I think I need to take a step back for a bit, get the funeral out of the way and then see how I'm feeling

I think that is really sensible Flowers

RiverTam · 07/03/2019 14:00

There is a big difference between booking annual leave and using it for a specific task (is he decorating his flat to sell it to move in with the OP?) and taking a single ad-hoc day but forgetting, booking in meetings and then not being able to change them. That is comparing apples and pears.

I assume his job pays a salary which pays his bills. Kind of important when you're moving in with someone. Is he going to be the main earner?

MadameDD · 07/03/2019 14:05

I'd be really pissed off here but I'd also respect the fact that you're not living together yet, he's not your DC's father and you could ask the DC father or his DM to look after their DC instead.

It's his job and if he feels the meetings etc around them aren't able to be moved then either he's got his priorities wrong or he feels his job is more important - only he and you can work that out.

Clutterbugsmum · 07/03/2019 14:08

Sorry for your loss

As for DP I think I need to take a step back and do some serious thinking Unfortunately deaths of love ones nearly always makes us reassess our close relationships. Whether you stay together or not you do need to think about whether DP is the right person to be in a relationship with if he can't commit more to your family.

Missingstreetlife · 07/03/2019 14:10

He shouldn't have forgotten, he should have put it in his diary. No excuse. Your dc will be fine to come with you, it can be nice to have little ones there.
Your so called partner needs to have a good look at himself. I would expect him to cancel a meeting. Have a good think about him when all this has settled down, and don't reply to his txt, let him stew for a bit.

Wheelerdeeler · 07/03/2019 14:10

18 months in and he has disappointed you at your birthday & Christmas already? Now he isn't being supportive at this very difficult time for you.

He is just not that into you. He isn't committed. You deserve better.

MzHz · 07/03/2019 14:11

This is an automatic fail op, he has to go. It’s all very well you saying “we come as a package” and he’s been involved since early days, but what hes showing you is that NONE of you matter to him!

Bin him. Don’t allow the next one too close too quickly because then it does get confusing for the kids and you end up stuck with a bloke who’s wrong for you all. This is an important selection process - you and your kids are worth more than this.

MadAboutWands · 07/03/2019 14:11

RiverTam What’s the relationhsip between him earning more money that the OP and him forgetting he said he would take an afternoon off to help the OP??

The OP isn’t asking him to do something crazy. Actually she never ASKED anything at all. It’s HIM who proposed to look after her dc. And then ‘forgot’.

I wouod also like to point out to the fact that the OP is studying and has DELAYED the moving somthat she couod have finished the course and be fully financially INDEPENDANT.
Assumptions about a woman automatically using a man for his money and the man always getting away with murder ‘because he is earning money you know’ are annoying like hell. I thought we had moved in from that sort of attitudes Tbh.

JRMisOdious · 07/03/2019 14:14

Very sorry about your Gran and the way you feel, it’s hard.
His career is obviously extremely important to him but that doesn’t mean you aren’t too.
He forgot, it happens when people are under pressure and it’s not always easy to rearrange things as some people are suggesting, he might not be in a position senior enough to do that. If you were living together so he was requesting time off to look after effectively your joint family, he may be able to approach his superiors about it now but I can see that asking perhaps several other people to reorganise their diaries to accommodate the request of a girlfriend (as work would see it) that he doesn’t live with is tricky.
My husband and I have been together for more than 30 years now, I don’t have a shadow of a doubt that he loves us completely but sometimes work does have to come first, whatever the family difficulties. He’s had to work away a great deal and I’ve often just had to get on and deal with crises as they’ve arisen because that’s just the way it is. Especially if you’re employed (rather than self-employed) and trying to build a career.
If you can’t live with that idea now it’s going to be very hard to work things out in the future.
Personally, I wouldn’t be questioning an otherwise happy relationship about this alone. Of course, everyone feels differently and there may be other things you’re not happy with.
I hope the service isn’t too difficult for you.

0rangeB0ttle · 07/03/2019 14:15

Sorry for your loss. You and your children are clearly not a priority to him. Look at his actions, not his words

MadAboutWands · 07/03/2019 14:16

Tom the problem is that he has basically proven you you can’t rely on him at all. Even he is the one to propose the help, you will never know if he is going to do it or not.

FWIW I’ve nevr understood the comment I regularly see on here where it seems that people will nit help or be expected to step up unless you have been going out together for 5 years and are living together.
My experience is that the opposite happens. It’s at the start that people are the happiest to do things to help. They are in the noneymoon period, helping makes them look good and they want to spend more time with their other one.
When things get more settled, suddenly, it doesn’t look as nice to get out of your way to help. There is n need to look good as it was at the start. I think that when cracks are starting to show then.

RiverTam · 07/03/2019 14:17

I missed the bit about the OP studying.

The reason I asked is that if he was going to be the main or sole breadwinner he may well be feeling the pressure to not fuck up at work. I know when I wasn't earning DH was quite stressed that if anything happened at work we'd be stuffed.

In less than 2 years he's going to have gone from being single to moving in with his DP and 2 children. That's a massive gamechanger.

Why do you put 'forgot' in quotes? Have you never forgotten anything? Again, when DH is full on with his annual big project I can forget about much sticking in his head. Ditto for me when I had a major project at work. From what she says he has frequently looked after her DC2, so there's no reason to think he offered and then bailed because he never intended to do it at all. People do forget - they're human.

FetchezLaVache · 07/03/2019 14:19

As for DP I think I need to take a step back and do some serious thinking

This is very wise. It's not as though you pressured him to do it and he reluctantly agreed - he offered to help, then showed how much you have actually been in his thoughts and how important it is for him to help you out.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/03/2019 14:20

Don't worry about your DS2 saying something to upset your Mum; your Mum is going to be upset anyway and having a really good cry at a funeral is actually a really important part of the grieving process.

I think taking a step back from your relationship is also a healthy thing to do. He's shown you what he's like under pressure - depressed/selfish and with you at the bottom of the list. Unless he's planning a major career change anytime soon, this will keep happening every time he's on another big project.

So sorry for your loss. In time you will remember the love and the fun times and the memories will make you smile. Best wishes for the funeral. Flowers

TwitterQueen1 · 07/03/2019 14:23

Do you prioritise your DCs' needs over your partner OP? I would expect that you do, every day, probably without realising it and especially as they're very young. I think you're being a bit U to expect DP to prioritise you and your DCs over his job.

Yes he offered to help and then he forgot. IME, meetings can be booked by many different people by just booking out diary space. It may well not be possible to rearrange. He didn't know your Gran and I don't think that babysitting your partner's child is a valid excuse for rearranging or cancelling meetings.

I'm sorry for you loss Flowers

paap1975 · 07/03/2019 14:24

You know, sometimes having a child a at funeral can help lighten the mood a bit, so taking DS2 could be an option. Sorry for your loss

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 07/03/2019 14:39

I am so sorry for your loss but absolutely what ILoveMaxiBondi said. Please don't forget or dismiss this once the pain and grief of your loss has healed a little.

Take note OP. This who he is. This is your future if you stay with him. You are not a priority.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 07/03/2019 14:42

Sorry posted too soon:

This isn't a one off, this is EVERY SINGLE time you have something important or precious to you.

TheViceOfReason · 07/03/2019 14:46

He's made it quite clear you and your children are not his priority.

If you are happy to accept that, then crack on.

He won't change.

His big important job (and i can't roll my eyes any harder here) will always be more important.

ChuckleBuckles · 07/03/2019 14:57

Is this image management on his part do you think OP?

The big offer of help that is never followed up on because of "reasons" was a constant in my last relationship, he was offering and agreeing to stuff that he had no intention of doing because at the last minute "something" in work would come up that he had to do or the world would end, the result being he was a "good guy" who wanted to help but circumstances were beyond his control. However when it was something that he needed or wanted no such issues would arise, surprisingly.

I think taking a step back and giving yourself time to grieve and think about the future is a smart move, put the moving in on the long-finger for now, these types often see a partner as a live in secretary and housekeeper to support what they need.

Flowers
Badcat666 · 07/03/2019 15:13

So sorry for your loss OP.

It sounds like his work is really intense. I sometimes say I will do something then get sucked into work and not come out of the work haze until days later and only remember things when prompted (or at 2am in the morning).

Many a time I have forgotten to book leave or a couple of hours off to do something for someone but in RL, the job comes first.

Without it there is no money to pay for anything.

When my mum died Mr BC said he would check if he could come with me. Then he forgot because our jobs are full on and couldn't get the day off work. I didn't go mad at him, he was being run mad with work and our jobs pay our bills and keep a roof over our heads.

I think some people on MN have this odd way of thinking that every person (or rather man) should think only of their partner when in RL if you work THAT comes first in a majority of cases.

So yes birthdays will be missed, weekends ruined, funerals unattended, babysitting someone else's child will be forgotten. That is the reality of life, that is the reality of having to work for a living.

None of us live in a wonderful sugar coated Disney world where ppl who work full time spend their days remembering everything outside work that they need to do and can re-arrange meetings at a drop of a hat or have lovely caring bosses who allow us time off whenever we want.

He has his work to worry about, you have your children to worry about.

yes he fucked up but people are not flawless creatures. They are not his kids and as others have said, you don't live together. Maybe he goes home and has evenings stressing out about the next day at work and not sleeping because of it but he doesn't tell you this because he doesn't want to burden you. You have already said he has been depressed about his job. Hell when I was getting over depression due to work issues I could barely remember what to do the next hour let alone a few days down the line.

Relationships are meant to be a partnership of 2 people, a compromise but sometimes life kicks you in the dangly bits.

Is he your priority? I bet not.

RiverTam · 07/03/2019 15:23

excellent post, Badcat.

Tara336 · 07/03/2019 15:29

My exh left me on my own to cope with my beloved grandad dying. I begged him to come with me to the hospital and he refused, I knew I was going to say goodbye and I couldn’t cope going alone. I ended up going on my own and I never forgave him, he said he had a phobia of hospitals (not true) it was the beginning of the end for us as that moment I realised how little I mattered to him

longearedbat · 07/03/2019 15:32

Everything else aside, op, we have always had children attend the rather too many funerals our family has had in recent years. Everyone was happy to see them, especially old family friends who had heard (to give one example) my mother talk fondly (and at great length) about her two small great grandchildren, and were therefore pleased to actually meet them. It's gives a strangely comforting feeling that, although one person has died, without the deceased these children wouldn't have even been here. It's a continuation that feels like the closing of a circle. I probably haven't put it very well, but it was lovely to have the children running about at the do after, it somehow makes it more of a family centred occasion and a lot less sombre.
And yes, the children came with toys and books and you wouldn't really have known they were there.