Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that DP won't support me at my Gran's funeral

78 replies

Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:08

My Gran died 2 weeks ago. She was 92 and it wasn't unexpected but I was incredibly close to her and I'm completely heartbroken.

It's her funeral on Wednesday. I have 2 children and I don't really want them at the service as I feel it's a very emotional time and I don't want to put pressure on them. I also want to be able to cry and grieve without worrying about them seeing me distressed.

DS1 will be in school but I don't have child care for DS2 who is 4 years old.

DP offered on Tuesday to take some time off work, he'd only need to be there for about 30 minutes, just to take DS2 for a walk while I go to the service.

Today I've texted DP asking if he's managed to take time off and he's replied with "bugger I completely forgot. I can't as I've got meetings next week. Sorry"

I've been with him for 18 months, we don't live together yet. He didn't know my Gran well so I wasn't expecting him to come to the funeral as such but am very hurt that he can't take time off to support me and that he also forgot to ask!

He's been working on a big project at work that's been going on for the last 6 months and has put a huge amount of pressure on our relationship. Work has come before everything. My birthday, Christmas etc. I've been understanding and patient but am beginning to get tired of not feeling like I'm a priority in his life and my needs coming second to his job all the time.

He's now texting me asking me if I'm mad at him and can't bring myself to reply. Maybe I'm being unreasonable but I just feel to not support your girlfriend at her Gran's funeral isn't really acceptable.

Or maybe I'm just being horrible Sad

OP posts:
DogInATent · 07/03/2019 13:30

He's now texting me asking me if I'm mad at him and can't bring myself to reply.

FFS tell him you're mad.

"Yes I am mad. I don't mind that you forgot to put the date in your diary, but I am deeply hurt that you cannot reschedule your meetings and give your work priority over me when I need you to be there or me. You can fix this."

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 07/03/2019 13:30

I would take it as the eye opener it is op. He isn't that committed to your relationship.

Original poster
Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:32

I consider our relationship to be serious. He's looked after both my kids before.

I've made it clear that I come as a package. It's me AND the kids. He accepted that and asked me to consider us moving in together back in July. I just said I'd rather wait until I was more financially dependent as I'm currently studying for my degree, I finish this year.

Just didn't want to be financially dependent on him.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 07/03/2019 13:32

Just worried DS2 might say something awkward like "Gan Gan is dead" etc and it'll upset my mum.

Also just don't want him seeing me upset. Crying now thinking about it

If you are really set on your DC not being there then obviously that’s the right decision, but I wouldn’t worry about your DC seeing you cry. That’s a totally normal fact of life, unfortunately. I’m sure your mum will understand too.

FloatingthroughSpace · 07/03/2019 13:33

I think as long as you explain to ds2 beforehand it should be ok. I think we sometimes protect our children too much. Just tell him that you loved granny very much and you are sad that she died, but her body was very very old and it stopped working. The funeral is for everyone who loved granny to say goodbye, lots of people might be sad because granny was loved and you will miss her, but you are ok and will be ok. And everyone is very happy that they knew granny when she was alive.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/03/2019 13:34

I'd be upset OP

I don't think it's the childcare - it's more that something so important to you just isn't important to him and slipped his mind.

You know his work is important to him and presumably have been understanding when this has impacted on your birthday, Xmas etc.

However he has let you down when you need him most. If you've been with him 18 months he knows how important your gran was to you and how upset you are. It's the fact he offered then completely forgot. How could he forget something so big as the death of a loved one? In a relationship you normally support the other person win things that are important to them even if it's someone or something you personally don't care about.

Is this a complete one off big project or will his work be a series of projects where this keeps happening? Then he gets promoted and his job gets bigger and more important? For some people their job is literally the most important thing in their life. I guess it's up to you whether you can live with that.

Sorry for your loss and hope you manage to sort childcare

Damntheman · 07/03/2019 13:36

I think you have every right to be upset by this, he offered and then he fucked up. It's not okay!

That said though, I think it's valuable for children to see people be upset at funerals and when people die. It normalises grief and helps them see that it's okay to cry and be upset about things that make us sad. My daughter was only a newborn when my dad died, but my son has learned a great deal from seeing my honest and raw reactions to his grandpa's death over the last 2 years.

Yes. Your 4 year old WILL say something inappropriate at some point along the line. "Where's gan gan?" or indeed "Gan gan is dead!" small kids do this, your mum will cope with it. I would advocate for you to take your DS with you to the funeral, but of course it's your choice in the end.

GabriellaMontez · 07/03/2019 13:37

Why havent you sent him an honest reply about how upset you are?

Didiusfalco · 07/03/2019 13:38

Presumably your 4 year old is at nursery? Could they fit him in? I had a similar situation with my Grandmas funeral a few weeks ago. My dc is not yet 4 but would be same school year as your ds and I didn’t think I could trust her not to chat at inappropriate times. Nursery were great and slotted her in.
On another note have a massive bunch of Flowers. I felt like a bit of a tool for being so upset about someone who was so old dying, but like your gran she was a wonderful person and I really felt it, also managed to have an epic row with my dh the week after she died - it can be hard to see things clearly when you’re feeling emotional.

ChoccieEClaire · 07/03/2019 13:38

I think that if you are upset with him you should say so, if he over reacts then it's better that you know before you get more serious with him.
Unfortunately they are your children not his and he won't understand the responsibility of children if he's never had to consider them.
I would advise against taking the children to the funeral. You need to be selfish and allow yourself the chance to grieve freely without worrying that they will be upset at your reaction. Also, there may be others around that get upset that may also upset them too.
You can do your own way of saying goodbye to her with them so they get a chance to be involved. You could plant a tree, take them to the grave to place flowers, or a balloon release with a message attached.

Original poster
Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:39

I think I need to take a step back for a bit, get the funeral out of the way and then see how I'm feeling.

I totally admit that I'm an over emotional wreck at the moment and not thinking rationally.

It's always been just me, my mum and my Gran. That's my whole family apart from my beautiful children. She is such a huge part of my life.

OP posts:
hickerydickerydockmouse · 07/03/2019 13:39

I understand you don't want to take your kids to your nan's funeral but I would advise to take them. We have had kids of all ages at funerals in our families and where I come from, they also see the person who has passed away. They ask questions and sometimes do get upset but life and death are part of life. This teaches them resilience and how to deal with a loss. There is no age to be exposed to it.

As for your partner, may be after the funeral think about how you want things to be. If he wants to focus on his career then this relationship might not be the right fit you you. You probably want some stability and commitment which he is unable to provide.

QueenofmyPrinces · 07/03/2019 13:39

YANBU at all.

After 18 months you should definitely be his priority.

Some posters may make excuses for him and come up with reasons as to why he isn’t in the wrong, but in my eyes he absolutely is.

I would be very, very upset if I were you.

I’m very sorry about your loss Flowers

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/03/2019 13:40

I dot think it matters he's not 'family' - he is wanting to move in with you - it's clearly serious! It's not like you've only been on a few dates. I think if a good friend had offered to help then forgot I'd still be upset. Also although I think people may have a point about taking a child to a funeral, that's your decision, that's not what you arranged with him, and that's not an excuse for letting you down

Original poster
Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:40

DS2 is immunosuppressed after having a liver transplant at 17 months old so currently not at nursery. Starts after Easter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:41

I'll consider taking DS2. DS1 said goodbye at the hospital and is worried about missing school that day.

OP posts:
Damntheman · 07/03/2019 13:43

I think it's good to consider :) DS1 will be fine, if you do take DS2 don't be afraid to take a big sticker book for him to do at the funeral. That's what we did with my son and people complimented me for weeks on how well behaved my child was! (nobody saw the stickers..)

Hoppinggreen · 07/03/2019 13:44

I’m sorry for your loss
However, unless I’ve got this wrong you weren’t asking for support at the funeral but for him to provide childcare for a 4 year old that isn’t his.
He has only been in your life for 18 months ( so presumably in the 4 year olds for less time) and maybe he’s not comfortable looking after the child on his own, nor is he under any obligation to.
It would be nice if he offered to help but it’s going to be hard for him to take time off work when there are meetings he should be at to provide childcare for his girlfriend

Hoppinggreen · 07/03/2019 13:45

But he absolutely shouldn’t have said yes and then gone back on it though

FizzyGreenWater · 07/03/2019 13:46

Take note OP. This who he is. This is your future if you stay with him. You are not a priority.

Yes, this. Watch out - this is your big red flag. This isn't a one off - it's a pattern that's slowly emerged. Ignore at your peril.

Yes he has an important job but I feel.like he can take time off when he needs to. He took a week off to redecorate his flat for example. Just feels like everything is more of a priority than me but I'm probably just being selfish.

See? No it isn't just you. It's a big. red. flag. And you're not being selfish. You've described a final straw.

Also:

We had a really happy, healthy, honest relationship. We were planning to move in together. Then everything went mad at work and he got very depressed. His mood is slowly improving now though but it's been hard on me.

  • but, but - be careful you don't forget that the 'happy, healthy' bit was also at the beginning, the honeymoon period.

You could also write this as 'he treated me really well at first but as real life crept in, he's slowly shown himself to be someone who will put me at the bottom of the pile'

This 'fogetting' something REALLY important to you is a real sign. It really does show how he sees you. Please don't ignore this.

anniehm · 07/03/2019 13:46

I would actually suggest you take your kids, it's a chance for them to say goodbye and your family are there to help with their questions. I remember being excluded from my great grandmothers funeral at 6 and being angry that I couldn't say goodbye.

RiverTam · 07/03/2019 13:49

He made a mistake. We all do, especially if we are stressed and pressurized. He doesn't live with you so your grief is probably not uppermost in his mind. It sounds like he knows he made a mistake but there's now nothing he can do about it. His work does matter.

And YANBU to be upset. But you are emotionally all over the place, understandably, and he's under pressure at work. This is not the moment to do anything hasty.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Windinmyhair · 07/03/2019 13:53

Don't let yourself not being someone's priority in life.

If a friend had asked me to take time out of my life/study pattern to look after their child for a funeral, i'd do it in a shot.

You are supposed to be one of the most important people to him and this is how he treats you.

Windinmyhair · 07/03/2019 13:54

And ok - so people make mistakes, but people who care try to fix them as part of a team.

Rather than 'oh shit sorry' it could have been 'oh shit sorry, let me see if I can shift a few things around and be there for you.'

Original poster
Tombraidingmum · 07/03/2019 13:56

Thank you everyone for your responses, I really do appreciate them

Just to clarify he's looked after DS2 lots of times and has known him for as long as we've been together. I'd never have expected him to have him otherwise.

I'm just going to take some time to try to sort my head out. I'll take DS2 to the funeral armed with Kindle, stickers etc. Having him there might help me. Just so hard knowing the best thing to do.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread