Anyone with a quiet child? - upset at what teacher has said at parents eve

[Afternooninthepark]

Dd is 10 and in year 6.
Tonight was her parents evening. Each year we are told that dd is very quiet which is fine not a shock as I know she is one of the quiet ones, the world is full of different personalities, we can’t all be loud and super confident.
However, tonight the teacher made a real issue about it. She told me she thought dd was too quiet, never participated and that she thought her self esteem was extremely low. She even went on to say that she thought if dd had her way ‘she would crouch into small ball and hide under the table’! She also suggested she should speak to the Relate counsellor??!!
I told the teacher this was a bit of shock to me. Dd is quiet but at home she is witty and funny, always happy, very very arty and creative, has a big love of animals and just a lovely, loving, kind & wonderful daughter.
She never says she hates school, always goes in happily and very rarely complains about much.
I’ve asked dd if she is happy at achool and she says she is and doesn’t understand why the teacher is saying this.
I’m upset and worried now. It’s as though the teacher thinks being quiet is a major flaw or that there is some underlying issue as to why she is quiet. And why on earth would she think that just because she is quiet that it means she has low self esteem??
Anyone else with a quiet child?

I have three quiet ones - as p/t meetings they are often there I now say yes it's their personality and if it's been a particularly bad comment - it's their personality just like both their parents.

It worked at a recent p/t meeting with language teacher – made them stop and think and decide they’d stop waiting and start calling on her directly more – which isn’t what my child wants but is what they need.

Two of them I think are fine – capable of speaking up – one of their own bat youngest occasionally needing encouragement to do so. Middle one is a worry – they are getting slightly better but low level ignored bulling at primary has knocked their confidence more than I’d like.

As a former quiet child pushing them to do something they don’t want doesn’t help – it can back fire – it’s more finding something they enjoy and encouraging – my parents eventually found music and playing in orchestra and performing here though secondary school managed to destroy that enjoyment. With DH it was IL being firm they he’d try scouts for few weeks he went on to do the older group and some leadership things.

Mine do social groups – brownies, guide and scouts, have done some youth groups they did other classes dance, music involving some performing and older two do a hobby which means they deal with other adults but their Dad’s nearby. I think it’s more getting them to experience different situations to help build confidence.

One of the many reasons I was quite in school and DH and DS was as well was didn’t want the low level negative attention from other students if we answered questions - that might be worth asking about.

pinacolada
Your relative doesn't have "chosen ones". It's an anxiety based condition called selective Mutism. Do some research, educate yourself .

For those who are saying that I should take on board what the teacher is saying as dd could be storing up problems for the future, I get this but what should I be doing? At the end if the day the teacher has kind of contradicted what she is saying by firstly saying that dd is so quiet that she feels she doesn’t want to participate in class but on the other hand says she is so quiet that she often ‘forgets’ she is there, so if that’s the case, how can she reasonably be monitoring dd’s progress? (Dd says she talks on her table all of the time but let’s the louder ones speak up as they are more bosey!)It’s almost like the teacher has basically written her off as ‘the quiet one’ and is in all sense and purpose, ignoring dd! Also, as I say, I don’t really see this side of her. Yes, she is quiet but not worryingly so, she is happy, has a great sense of humour, I feel she has high self esteem (certainly more than I had at that age) and she is friendly. Do I make an issue if it and get her some kind of counselling now? Would that not put ideas in her head, like I’m saying to her I think it’s not ok to be you and we want to change your personality?? I am at a loss tbh 🙁

pinacolada surely if dd had selective mutism, after living with her for 10 years and her being at school for the last 6, one of us would have noticed this!!??

I wish my little one was quiet. But then again my little one is almost three so I dont expect her to be quiet. I have a few cousins who are still school age and they're quiet - It's normal. I think you need to remind DD's teacher that her job is to teach and not to comment on your child's personality.

outpinked this is my concern, obviously I am not there for the 6 hours of school time. However, if the teacher is saying she kind of ‘forgets’ dd is there, how can she be truly monitoring her behaviour? I’m finding it disconcerting and if this is such an issue why the hell hasn’t the teacher called me in before this, dd is coming to the end of year 6 ffs!?

I agree there is nothing at all wrong with a quiet child.

I had comments like this from reception all the way through to GCSEs. Had the shock of my life at year 12 parents evening when a Teacher complained she talked too much.

Yes I’m not saying it applies to you.

And in this girls case it wasn’t as obvious, she played with her sister, with select friends. She used to speak to me, sometimes, if she wanted something. She was called shy, etc. plenty of kids are. However I think her parents were so super defensive they missed a growing problem. It was an avoidant strategy rather than mutism probably, which grew into her avoiding learning many social skills.

I was more making a point, even as in this case it doesn’t sound like there’s anything like selective mutism, or even a problem, and I’d be annoyed and confront the teacher too. However sometimes even an off remark like the teachers, might contain a small truth. Just saying stand up for her, quietness is not a crime! I was quiet. I listen more than I speak. I think that’s a good thing. But then over time just keep an eye out too?

I think I would talk to the teacher again....a proper chat rather than an update at parents evening....you may get to root of what she is saying...
it maybe teh teacher is just using clumsy phrase/it maybe she's spotted something and hasn't articulated it well....it maybe nothing..
howver for my own peace of mind I think I would just need a considered chat.... your DD may come out of her shell a bit (in the classroom) at secondary or may not ever....however yr7 can be tough as someone said up thread......and if your shyness stops you asking for help it can be harder....

so if there is some 'public' self esteem/confidence type stuff you think might help her then you have time ..... if after talking to the teacher again and having a think - you think shes just not getting her then thats a different issue -

You would think the teacher would appreciate the quieter child in class. I had this all though my 2's school years, always told they were quiet. I always responded by saying that it is surely your job to draw them out on the occasions when they would not put their hands up in class to answer questions. You know the ones who are reluctant to answer but as a teacher myself you know to not go to the ones who have their hands up all the time and pick out the reluctant ones. Incidentally mine were not quiet at home or with their friends, they just knew how to behave in class.

Mind was always a quiet one and now at 17 still hardly ever participates. However, she's always had lots of friends though, had the courage to move to a school out of county at 16 and has five offers from top universities, so her personality hasn't stopped her achieving. I'm not boost, just trying to let you know they can still aim for their goals and get there. Oh, and I once got a job because I was the quiet one, the others were too confident apparently!

However, the rest of the comments do need to be clarified as to whether there really is an issue and,, if so, what really is the best course of action and how she can be supported. If I were you, I'd ask to speak to the teacher again and even the Head - a decent Head will know all children in the school and have a feel of their personalities.

I wouldn't mention it to her - I hated my parents repeating the teachers comments to me about being quiet - never helped just made me more self-conscious.

It's why I say it's their personality to the teachers and often point out that their parents - DH and I were/are the same. It’s not a character flaw.

If she doesn’t do outside activities – I’d look for some she is interested in – another group of people to interact with and possibly meet others going to her secondary and see how she gets on at secondary.

I don't think it would hurt to talk to the teacher to try and get more information. Though my primary school teacher declared to my parents that the secondary catchment school would probably put me in the third or on a good day second stream – we sat exams immediately at secondary and I was put in the top stream with some of the highest marks well above most I went to primary school with – had that teacher three long years and she seemed to have no idea what I was capable of.

I teach at a university and I am quite shocked sometimes by how poor most of the students are at articulating themselves in seminars or doing mini-presentations. … I do wonder how they got through school without having really practiced speaking at all.

One of the differences we’ve noticed since moving to Wales is how many presentations they have to do – and it really does help them – practise is clearly key – at home before doing them and having the experience. It’s already less on an issue for them all than it It is for me even now.

Some teachers just don’t ‘get it’ I was like your daughter at her age, very quiet would avoid any attention, never spoke, painfully shy. I grew out of it a couple of years later and came out of my shell as a teenager. There wasn’t anything wrong with me I was just reserved and not out-going, loud like some kids. It’s the way she is and that’s fine, I wouldn’t let her feel it’s a problem or to take notice of the teacher all they can do is advise, you know her best and if she’s fine st home then I wouldn’t see it as an issue. She’ll find her feet don’t worry.

I was the quiet child. That was the teachers only complaint all throughout school and even I. My first few reports at work . I wasn't a confident kid in my teens in some ways ( hated drawing attention to myself in class) but always got good grades and perfectly capable of navigating life outside of school, shopping public transport etc. It did me no harm and although people who know me well laugh at the idea I am quiet, those who don't may still do. It's not an issue though. She will be absolutely fine.

Women not speaking up and the room being dominated by male, often older, professors is a big issue in academia as well. It's what research shows is the case, it's not just a perception thing.

I have observed the same underlying dynamic in senior management meetings / conference calls in a corporate setting. It could be a function that the more senior roles are held by men. Women do get to speak and you do get outspoken ones (yes!) but there is a bit more of waiting your turn.

if this is such an issue why the hell hasn’t the teacher called me in before this, dd is coming to the end of year 6 ffs!?

Yes, this. OP, the teacher is blaming your daughter rather than explaining what strategies she has used to draw your daughter out and how that went and how you can work with your daughter to improve things. She told it to you at the end of year 6 so that she is absolved from having to put any real effort to engage with your daughter and got herself off the hook.

The teacher seems to lack real world sensitivity, does not understand the boundaries of her role and is fast and loose in her opinions (who is she to diagnose low self-esteem, FGS). She also seems to be a jobsworth.

I would agree with other posters to have a separate meeting with her. You can then ask her to give specific examples (which don't involve emotive language like your daughter curling up in a ball), what she has done in those instances and what her strategy is when dealing with children with similar personalities.

I am angry for you and your dd.

I was a painfully quiet child and even into my teens I was very shy. I've turned out fine (as far as I can tell!). I'm not the loudest in the room but then not every one can be or life would be hell. I've got great friends, a good social life and a lovely husband and child.

Point being, don't let this teacher frighten you.

As a pp has said (teacher if I remember correctly) it is their job to be identifying and encouraging the quieter children, the louder children shouldn’t be allowed to talk over your dd all the time. Please point this out during your meeting, this is her failing, not your dds.

Is she quiet in the classroom for fear of being mocked when she speaks?

I think she is quiet for a couple of reasons. Firstly she is naturally quiet, secondly there are some very larger than life characters in her classroom some of them are very loud, they love the sound of their own voices and I think they have a tendency to take over and thirdly dd does blush a little in situations such as reading or talking within a large group (I used to blush too so can remember avoiding that kind of thing for fear of blushing and kids love to point out when you blush!)

I wouldn’t focus so much on the introvert/extrovert labels. You DD is still young and figuring herself out, u wouldn’t throw those words around or it’ll become a self filling prophesy.

I was exactly as you describe your DD at that age but it wasn’t a personality trait, it was horrific anxiety from a stressful homelife.
Could there be something that has happened, a bereavement or family problems that have caused your DS and possibly DD to have anxiety so young? Or maybe your own anxiety rubbing off?
Anxiety isn’t a personality trait either, it’s a mental health condition. You shouldn’t have to accept it as part of your life either, you’re as deserving of treatment as your DC.

My niece is the same but she is the kindest, most caring young lady I know.
That teacher sounds like a bit of an idiot to be honest. As you said, the world is filled with different personalities.

Your DD sounds lovely.

thirdly dd does blush a little in situations such as reading or talking within a large group
I image having people point out you blush when you talk is going to be compounding any natural reticence to publicly speak.

I used to hate reading out loud as I would mispronounce words occasionally and the fuss other children in primary school made was embarrassing – turns out I have dyslexia – left me nervous about any reading years later.

I would still suggest outside groups that may do some performing – music, dance gymnastics, debating groups or drama to get past performance blushing if groups makes less of an issue about the blushing may find it’s less of a problem but only if she can be encouraged to try.

The loud characters may well get better at secondary if she’s in classes way from them.

Yes this was me at school. I was quiet and got on with my work and had a close group of friends. One teacher described me as 'the mouse' and I remember my mum bring upset at how rude he'd been...

I also have a kid described as quiet which catches me by surprise every time - he’s very much the clown at home!

I think in these situations the best thing is just to kind of shrug and say she’s not unhappy, she might be quiet but she’s getting on fine and never says she has worries so maybe the teacher is looking into it too much? I get why you’re upset though.