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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or do you not leave kids unattended at a birthday party?

999 replies

Dumbodog · 04/03/2019 19:01

Unless you've discussed it with the host beforehand?

DS 4th birthday party at a soft play on Saturday. 12 invited, mix of friends from nursery and friends from our street. However parents were free to bring siblings and pay normal entry fee for them. All fine.

The eldest of one of the mum's from nursery (her younger sibling was invited) came running over to me crying about 20 mins in to the party and tells me her mum told her to come to me if she needed anything. I continued looking for her mum and she then tells me that mummy has gone to the shops. I wasn't too bothered at that point, thought she perhaps needed something urgently although still should have let me know. Her DD was fine and went back off to play with her sister.

Half an hour later she still wasn't back and the invited kids were going into the party room for food. Her eldest DD was crying because she couldn't come in and she was now being left in the play area unsupervised. I let the staff know the situation at this point. I found the mum's RSVP text and tried calling her (not friendly with her other than to say hello to at nursery) and there was no answer. I tried on and off for the next hour!

The party came to an end and she still wasn't back and still wasn't returning my call. The staff said they could keep the kids but would have to call the police. I thought this was the best scenario as I obviously couldn't take them with me, and god forbid if anything had happened to their mum then at least the police would find out.

I received a call from the mum about half an hour after I got home and she was shouting and bawling at me! She couldn't believe I over reacted so much and just left her kids as she'd only gone to get her hair done. Apparently I should've known she would be back. She was livid the police had been called and they gave her a talking to about leaving the kids without telling anyone and she was lucky social services hadn't been called. But again, apparently I should've known she'd be back and I could've at least taken the kids home with me instead of "showing her up" like that. She said she thought others would also leave their kids, as if I was a bloody babysitter! She hung up on me when I tried to tell her that how could I possibly know she'd have been back when I didn't even know she'd gone until her kid told me. What if something happened to her? Or the kids while she was gone? What if she just never came back? She told me I was batshit and hung up Grin

So, AIBU or does she deserve a cheeky fucker award?!

OP posts:
woodhill · 05/03/2019 21:32

Totally agree Stroke. There are so many worse things that happen in life

Original poster
Dumbodog · 05/03/2019 21:33

seven201 The nursery are aware, although I hadn't thought to tell them. Parents were talking about it yesterday and DS's keyworker asked about it. Not sure if they will be doing anything with the information but they do know.

Haven't heard from CF at all. DH didn't see her at nursery today either. Generally all parents outraged at what she done and totally on my side, not that there's a side to pick. But would have done the same in the circumstances is what I mean.
One mum told DH that CF pulled the same at a party about a year ago (DS only started this nursery in August) and the party child's parents also called police as she didn't arrive for 3 hours and they had no contact details for her. Don't know anymore than that. Could have been the first time, could have been the tenth.

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 05/03/2019 21:34

I would definitely not have hung around for an hour on the beach till they had left, I'd have gone over and said we're off now, cheerio. To be fair whenever we've had parties at playcentres, once all the parents had gone, we left...who knows, reading this thread, I'm now wondering if we ever inadvertently left a child behind!!!! We never counted the children out!!!
There was a Mum who always dropped her child off and went. She never told us she was going either, but she always came back on time.

PiebaldHamster · 05/03/2019 21:34

Did your mother condone your actions, OP?

I imagine so since the OP said she (her mother) could face discipline showing up late to work. Hmm

PreseaCombatir · 05/03/2019 21:35

it's why I keep returning... grin

I particularly enjoy the descriptions of the ‘faces of thunder’ and ‘looks’ that people give out.
Yep, no need to threaten with the police, or SS, not when you can give people a ‘look’ 😂😂

sackrifice · 05/03/2019 21:35

Where did I say any of that? I said that in the OP's shoes I would have taken the kids with me. I think it's perfectly reasonable that OP had to leave to pick her baby up.

You'd kidnap two kids just because you are unable to deal with cheeky fuckers? Woule you adopt them if she never turned up?

sackrifice · 05/03/2019 21:36

This is insane.

Ladies, some of you need to rub off the word 'mug' from your foreheads.

woodhill · 05/03/2019 21:38

dumb cf already had form - 3 hours late - I knew the parents at nursery would sympathise. Anyone with any common sense would.

Powernaps · 05/03/2019 21:39

derxa with respect you've dodged the question Smile What should the OP have done differently at the end?

Original poster
Dumbodog · 05/03/2019 21:39

derxa Condone my actions? I'm not actually a teenager and didn't get a telling off from my mum Grin My mum was just glad I got to her and she got to work on time! Someone else's kids aren't her responsibility. It's not their fault if their parents are shitty, but it's not my fault either. I wasn't going to sit around entertaining two children who were perfectly happy as I left and make my mum miss work, probably be disciplined, and get my own children home at god knows what time.

OP posts:
PCohle · 05/03/2019 21:40

In what world is it kidnapping to move location with two kids who have been left in your care? I'd have left word with the soft playcentre and obviously left a message on the mother's phone.

God in heaven. Next time I leave the kids with my mother I'll make sure she knows that if she pops to the supermarket with them she'll be chased by the cops.

mbosnz · 05/03/2019 21:42

Also, with reference to the teacher - isn't there something of a difference between a school situation (where I think the school does assume a duty of care that is equivalent to in locus parentis?) and a scenario where a parent dumps a child at a birthday party without informing the parent that they are leaving that child in their sole charge - let alone a child that was not invited at all? Whereby the invitation to one child (not the other) was for a fixed period?

woodhill · 05/03/2019 21:44

I always thought the latecomers at primary school were very much frowned on by the school either end of the day be it the dc or their parent

derxa · 05/03/2019 21:44

Beyond belief.

NewName54321 · 05/03/2019 21:48

Has anyone actually tried to put an 8 year old (and their younger sibling) they don't know into a car, to take them to a strange house, when their mother has presumably told them to stay at the soft play centre - whilst the centre staff would be telling the adult they couldn’t take them?

Are the people advocating this course of action implying that they would expect their own children to get into a stranger's car?

Sometimes there isn't a perfectly "right" answer and you have to do the best you can in the circumstances, making sure that all the children in the scenario are safe.

If OP had done anything wrong, the police would have told her that she shouldn’t have done what she did - as they clearly did to CF mother.

TabbyMumz · 05/03/2019 21:48

What this CF did was not just cheeky, it was disgusting. First mistake in my opinion was she left the party without telling the party Mum. She didn't even tell the Mum a second child was there, who she must have known would not not be part of the official party and would have missed her when they all went for food. Even if she was delayed at the hairdressers, at the very least, she should have rang the play centre and asked them to inform the OP.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 05/03/2019 21:51

So if the police were called by another parent about CF similarly failing to pick her kids up from another party a year ago, she must be accumulating quite the neglect paper trail.

CF was entirely in the wrong. OP did the right thing. I work in a school, and if parents didn't show up, we would contact the police or social services if we weren't able to reach parents after a reasonable amount of time/effort.

I wouldn't have taken 2 children I didn't know with me either. All kinds of safeguarding concerns there ... that's what the police/ss are for.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 05/03/2019 21:52

Also, with reference to the teacher - isn't there something of a difference between a school situation (where I think the school does assume a duty of care that is equivalent to in locus parentis?)

Not really. School can and will ring SS if a child is left for a considerable amount of time and they can't get in touch with the parents or anyone else on the emergency contact list. Some schools might have an afterschool club where they can have the children thus making the timeline bigger,but many don't . And persistent lateness is frowned upon and might trigger some meetings about the welfare of the child.

Uptheapplesandpears · 05/03/2019 21:53

It is quite instructive that so much of the criticism of OP has been based on assumptions and inventions. People filling in blanks with things they've made up. That tells you something.

DoJo · 05/03/2019 21:53

@Bennyandthejetsssss It would be funny if there were not children involved! I bet SS do not follow up unless there’s history.

How do you think SS get a history of this kind of behaviour unless responsible people like the OP step up and let them know when a parent is showing a worrying lack of care for their children?

When you allowed the boyfriend of a parent to collect their children 90 minutes late, did it occur to you that if SS had been informed about this, it might have been a piece of the puzzle needed to get those children some extra support?

MissEliza · 05/03/2019 21:54

I actually know someone who had two children left unsupervised at their dc's party. She wasn't bothered as she knew the mum well (although she always was a CF) However, the party finished and the mum didn't show up. Party mum waited while trying to get hold of the dc's mum. When she didn't answer, she decided to take them home as everyone was getting fed up and another party had come in.
The second mum eventually showed up at the venue to find her dcs gone. She then called party mum up yelling because it was out of her way to get her dcs from party mum's house and didn't she know how busy she was etc. She actually expected party mum to sit and wait. You can't win with a CF.

PCohle · 05/03/2019 21:55

You have no idea that the mother told them to stay at the soft play centre (rather than eg do what OP told them) nor that the soft play centre would have been preventing OP from taking the kids. The OP was known to the younger child.

You're adding hypotheticals that may or may not have existed. The place might have burst into flames and Donny Osmond turned up.

sackrifice · 05/03/2019 21:55

In what world is it kidnapping to move location with two kids who have been left in your care

Two kids weren't left in the OP's care. One was. The other...was just left.

mbosnz · 05/03/2019 21:56

Saracasm (love the username by the way), I guess I was meaning more in the sense that the school knew that the child/ren was/were being left with them, the child/ren would know the location and the people, the school would know any allergies or issues, the address of the flipping parent and various contact numbers if need be, that kind of thing? The sorts of things that OP didn't know?

AhhhHereItGoes · 05/03/2019 21:57

I don't think you did anything wrong.

It's all very well saying 'bring them back with you' but a parent as irresponsible as that may claim the OP kidnapped them. Or if one of the kids got hurt at their house OP would be blamed.

Yes ideally someone would've stayed back with the kids (another parent that maybe knows the children better) but sometimes it's not possible.

OP had made calls so she was giving CFMum plenty of opportunities to be aware but she did not contact.

When DD1 has her 5th last year a few Mums left. One asked me in advance would it be Oak as she had to take her eldest to some kind of sport practice - no problem. Another few were left but I was told by X's Mum that Y's Mum was watching them and Y's Mum told me too.

I always stay though and will until DD is about 7/8 or it's a home based party.

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