Or do you not leave kids unattended at a birthday party?

[Dumbodog]

Unless you've discussed it with the host beforehand?

DS 4th birthday party at a soft play on Saturday. 12 invited, mix of friends from nursery and friends from our street. However parents were free to bring siblings and pay normal entry fee for them. All fine.

The eldest of one of the mum's from nursery (her younger sibling was invited) came running over to me crying about 20 mins in to the party and tells me her mum told her to come to me if she needed anything. I continued looking for her mum and she then tells me that mummy has gone to the shops. I wasn't too bothered at that point, thought she perhaps needed something urgently although still should have let me know. Her DD was fine and went back off to play with her sister.

Half an hour later she still wasn't back and the invited kids were going into the party room for food. Her eldest DD was crying because she couldn't come in and she was now being left in the play area unsupervised. I let the staff know the situation at this point. I found the mum's RSVP text and tried calling her (not friendly with her other than to say hello to at nursery) and there was no answer. I tried on and off for the next hour!

The party came to an end and she still wasn't back and still wasn't returning my call. The staff said they could keep the kids but would have to call the police. I thought this was the best scenario as I obviously couldn't take them with me, and god forbid if anything had happened to their mum then at least the police would find out.

I received a call from the mum about half an hour after I got home and she was shouting and bawling at me! She couldn't believe I over reacted so much and just left her kids as she'd only gone to get her hair done. Apparently I should've known she would be back. She was livid the police had been called and they gave her a talking to about leaving the kids without telling anyone and she was lucky social services hadn't been called. But again, apparently I should've known she'd be back and I could've at least taken the kids home with me instead of "showing her up" like that. She said she thought others would also leave their kids, as if I was a bloody babysitter! She hung up on me when I tried to tell her that how could I possibly know she'd have been back when I didn't even know she'd gone until her kid told me. What if something happened to her? Or the kids while she was gone? What if she just never came back? She told me I was batshit and hung up

So, AIBU or does she deserve a cheeky fucker award?!

howwillwedeal Ha! I guess I didn't think the whole ordeal was that interesting but clearly I was wrong!

Dulra Parents go in and out the centre for cigarettes, to get things from car, take important calls... staff probably didn't bat an eye at her leaving without children because of this. Also, I couldn't stay with the children as I had my own responsilbilites or did you not read that part? I really do wish there was something I could have done but my options were limited. All it would have took was their mum calling to say she'd been held up and giving permission for me to take them home. But I wasn't going to leave with children who I am pretty much a stranger to.

Absolutely shocking by the mother, I think getting the police involved to have a word with her was a great idea maybe she'll realise how serious it is to effectively abandon your kids in a public place like that. I don't think the op could have done much more and the whole thing probably ruined the party for her and her child.

Hmm I think your both wrong but your wrong doing is understandable

Dumbodog - I think you did the right thing and I think the mother is bloody lucky social services were not involved by the police. And frankly, how dare she be angry with you for leaving her children behind when she was happy to do that to them herself. Only a neglectful parent would dump their children in a public place and run without explaining to anyone she is leaving behind not just a young party guest, but also another unaccompanied child that nobody has agreed to take any responsibility for - and then not answer her phone at all, and then come back long after the end of the party...

Honestly, if people were scraping the barrel to come up with reasons to be critical of OP last night, now they're taking chunks out of it.

I kind of admire your balls for doing what lots of people would like to but don't have the nerve!

Very true

You absolutely did the right thing OP, I wish I had the balls for it.
There are some out their who think their need for some me time trumps their parenting responsibilities.
Ive experienced this more than once, with the same mother! (I am clearly a mug)
1 hr latr popping into town turned into 2, assumed it was busy in town, gave her a while before i started phoning, item wasn't there had to go several towns over blah blah (without telling me thanks love, will u hurry up your kids are crying at this point because you told them you will be back very soon, left with a lady the eldest had known about 3 weeks, I didnt know younger child until that day, there was no food in their fridge, except a bit of milk,no veral, biscuits etc, I didnt have any money to get them anything in, I had already bought her fags and coffe on my way in, my kids shared their packed lunch that we had made for train journey to sitter) 2hrs turned into 3, she stopped answering my calls at this point, thanks love well i no longer have time to drop my kids to their sitter and I've just had to cancel my shift oh and my boss didnt believe my story at all) Eventually turned up by 7 not sorry at all, pissed because apparently i shouldnt have needed to call her so much and it caused her stress!
This wasnt even the worst incident and I'm not going into detail as it is outing.
She was ridiculous. She reeled you in with her sov stories then just took the absoulute pisstime and time again! Always expecting others to pick up her slack.
It started small think school pick ups etcand playdates (with younger sibling pushed on because she would be sad without big sis) and the woman just pushed and pushed her luck, she really couldnt understand why people like me (2 parent working family) couldn't be more considerate as she was a poor single non working mum (btw not actually single,their was waste of space father)
Always the same stories car broke down,traffic etc yet she always managed to have new nails eyebrows/lashes miraculously done when she finally decided to turn up. She also used to get angry when I wouldnt take her kids on my day off so she could do her dodgy cash in hand stuff.

I was stumped as to why she wouldnt do these things while kids were at school or at least ask if I'll watch them while you go to an appt, I wouldnt really of minded that.
Its the sneaky underhand behaviour that got my back up and her poor kids were so used to it, they got dumped on absolutely anyone, they must wonder why mummy can't keep any friends.
Whenever i read threads like this, I often wonder if its her haha.

Good on you OP, this woman thought you'd be a soft touch she could take advantage of...she was wrong!

You didn't abandon the children, their mother did.

However I must admit I wouldn't have been brave enough to do it, but I think you did the right thing.

Do people honestly think the unanimous response would have been that she was in the right? Or that posters would be telling her that perhaps the mum was going out of her mind with worry thinking her children had been abducted and that the OP was wrong to remove someone’s children from a public play area

Yep as well as the ones who would have said she should have rang the police and stop being a pushover. With smatterings of make a report to social services for children neglect

Funny place mumsnet, I think people just like to stick the boot in.

You did the right thing. She won't be pulling stunts like that again.

CF parents get away with it because the person on the receiving end is always thinking of the children. I can't leave them in the dark. I can't leave them unfed. I can't let them take public transport. Very few people get away with it because the other parent is thinking "oh, but if I don't do this CF won't like me". It's always the guilt about the children.

As with any form of abuse, the fault lies with the abuser. The police weren't called because the OP wasn't caring for the children. They were called because the CF mum wasn't caring for her children.

All it would have taken was her to answer her phone, apologise, and get a wriggle on, and none of this would have happened. You did the right thing.

Also, at what point do people think it would have been ok to leave the children? Half an hour? An hour? Two? At the point when the soft play closed? And then should she have taken to her house overnight?

You see it’s all very well saying things like the OP should have taken them home with her, but let’s say the mother had been in a serious acccident and was critically injured or even worse. What then? No-one would actually have even known where the children were would they? In fact there’s a possibility that the authorities wouldn’t even have known the OP had children if say, she was a single parent with no family in the vicinity? What then?

Leaving children with a complete stranger and then cutting all contact could quite rightly be construed as abandonment in fact. ‘Especially the older one, since the OP didn’t even know she was being left.

if the mother hadn’t returned by the time the soft play closed the police would have stepped in and the children would have been taken into emergency foster care. At that point all stops could be pulled out to locate the mother. However if the OP had taken them home it’s entirely possible that the police would assume that the OP was in charge of these children and it would have been a more laborious process to have them cared for should the need arise.

Ultimately this was just a selfish bitch who went out for a hair cut, but it could have been worse than that. People are injured and killed in road accidents every day and the authorities are left to locate their next of kin. If you drop young children with a complete stranger with no means of contact and something goes seriously wrong then you run the risk that your children will be left unaware for a considerable period of time, in fact the authorities may not even know you have children...

Several years ago I was taken critically ill and called an ambulance. My DP knew that I’d been taken ill and he was on his way down to be with me. And my DC are of secondary age. However, before DP arrived I lost consciousness and was rushed to a hospital which is not local to me. It was only because people knew I’d been taken ill that they were able to locate me before the hospital were able to locate them, iyswim, because my care was the most important thing at that point. It was about four hours before my family were able to find out where I was and what was happening, but they were the ones doing the legwork. It’s not clear how long it would have been before the hospital had me stable to a point where they would have located my next of kin, because I spent several days in a coma after that.

So had I had young children and had dropped them with some random stranger at a soft play and my phone wasn’t being answered, those children could have been left in a situation where they’d had to go into temporary care until both I, and my relatives could be located.

Worse case scenarios are fortunately not too common, but they’re common enough to be a reality. You only have to look at the numbers of road deaths annually to know that. And in some of those instances the next of kin and dependents will be unaware and un-locateable for a time...

I think you are getting a hard time beciase you haven’t shown much concern for the children - who I could never have left with the staff.
I agree

I think you are getting a hard time beciase you haven’t shown much concern for the children - who I could never have left with the staff.

But she doesn’t know these children! That’s the point. They probably wouldn’t have felt more comfortable with her than with the staff, who are at least presumably trained to deal with this sort of thing. It’s not like leaving your child’s best mate of 5 years whose house you’ve been to many times.

Better to stop her in her tracks now though isn't it rather than the kids going through this crap repeatedly being left by their mother? She's not thinking of them when she buggers off and takes her time coming back.

The only person who is to blame is her. Not the OP.

Yes OP, remember your performative concern. People like a bit of emoting, however little impact it might have on a situation.

Good grief, this is NOT child endangerment which is why the police haven't done anything! What exactly do posters want to happen? The kids removed from their mother and put in care and have their lives totally screwed up.

YANBU
*Ive been a volunteer ar a few youth groups, what the OP did was textbook what I was advised to do if a parent failed to show.

You 100% DO NOT take a strangers kid home*
Agree 100% with above^^
For my the biggest concern would have been that mum was unreachable. If you leave your kids, you make sure that you are contactable in an emergency! Hindsight is perfect. OP had no idea what had happened to mum, had no idea when or even if she would arrive! I would have assumed the worst, because any reponsible parent would contact OP (or venue) to say they're running late. OP had no idea what had happened. Staff at venue had procedures in place, OP did absolutely the right thing.
Remember, she had had no contact from mum, would not have known how long she would have to wait, 2 hours, 3 hours...or longer as mum had been in accident etc? She was in the dark as to what had happened to mum.
Other mum should have called you to apologise, not to have a go at you. She was wrong, you were right.
Well done OP for dealing with a very difficult situation

She was out of order for not returning your calls and not returning on time but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for parents to leave their children, no.

When I was a child it would have been weird for parents to stay at parties and they were often held in people’s homes anyway so not enough space. I’ve always left my DC at birthday parties and always will do, partly because I have other DC and don’t always have childcare to cover them but mostly because I don’t want to spend part of my weekend at someone else’s child’s birthday party.

this is NOT child endangerment which is why the police haven't done anything!

How on earth is this not child endangerment? The mother abandoned her 2 young children in a public place without telling anyone she was leaving all so she could get her hair done?

This is how children slip through the cracks because some worthy posters seem to think reporting such obvious neglect is not their job.

Good grief, this is NOT child endangerment which is why the police haven't done anything! What exactly do posters want to happen? The kids removed from their mother and put in care and have their lives totally screwed up.

Should think they'll be more screwed up having a neglectful mother who doesn't care about them, tbh.

FFS do people actually read these threads before they comment? She.left her kids, one was just 4, without telling anyone.tjen refused to take calls?!? Then doesn't turn up to collect them and still doesn't answer calls. If that's not putting your kid in danger then I don't know what is.

outpinked
whilst your reasoning is borderline on the CF side, sorry but using other people as free babysitter is entitled but I can get your point BUT surely you don't just drop a 4 year old and run away without at the very lest letting the host know?

and you keep your phone in sight ready to answer any phone call if anything happens!

And yet if one of her children had been injured and she hadn't answered her phone and say they ended up in hospital (broken arm etc) the police would have had a lot more to say. She was unreasonable to leave, especially without informing you or another parent, but not being available or answering her phone is ridiculous.
I would have had a similar reaction to you in the circumstances.
Have you had to see her in person yet?

I find the number of people saying you were wrong very disturbing. The mother was showing classic signs of neglect. Turning a blind eye to parental neglect and abuse is how children like baby P and Victoria Climbie died.

Constantsarechanging No I haven't seen her yet, she wasn't there at nursery yesterday. DH doing drop off and pick up today so maybe he'll get the pleasure

I did send her a text after the shouting phone call just explaining why I did what I did (since I couldn't get a word in edgeways on the phone). She never replied. A few of the parents were asking yesterday what the outcome was but I know as little as they do!