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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or do you not leave kids unattended at a birthday party?

999 replies

Dumbodog · 04/03/2019 19:01

Unless you've discussed it with the host beforehand?

DS 4th birthday party at a soft play on Saturday. 12 invited, mix of friends from nursery and friends from our street. However parents were free to bring siblings and pay normal entry fee for them. All fine.

The eldest of one of the mum's from nursery (her younger sibling was invited) came running over to me crying about 20 mins in to the party and tells me her mum told her to come to me if she needed anything. I continued looking for her mum and she then tells me that mummy has gone to the shops. I wasn't too bothered at that point, thought she perhaps needed something urgently although still should have let me know. Her DD was fine and went back off to play with her sister.

Half an hour later she still wasn't back and the invited kids were going into the party room for food. Her eldest DD was crying because she couldn't come in and she was now being left in the play area unsupervised. I let the staff know the situation at this point. I found the mum's RSVP text and tried calling her (not friendly with her other than to say hello to at nursery) and there was no answer. I tried on and off for the next hour!

The party came to an end and she still wasn't back and still wasn't returning my call. The staff said they could keep the kids but would have to call the police. I thought this was the best scenario as I obviously couldn't take them with me, and god forbid if anything had happened to their mum then at least the police would find out.

I received a call from the mum about half an hour after I got home and she was shouting and bawling at me! She couldn't believe I over reacted so much and just left her kids as she'd only gone to get her hair done. Apparently I should've known she would be back. She was livid the police had been called and they gave her a talking to about leaving the kids without telling anyone and she was lucky social services hadn't been called. But again, apparently I should've known she'd be back and I could've at least taken the kids home with me instead of "showing her up" like that. She said she thought others would also leave their kids, as if I was a bloody babysitter! She hung up on me when I tried to tell her that how could I possibly know she'd have been back when I didn't even know she'd gone until her kid told me. What if something happened to her? Or the kids while she was gone? What if she just never came back? She told me I was batshit and hung up

So, AIBU or does she deserve a cheeky fucker award?!

OP posts:

PiebaldHamster · 04/03/2019 22:26

I love it when the kindness bullshit virtue signalling brigade appears.

thedisorganisedmum · 04/03/2019 22:26

You can't have it both ways.

The OP did advise the staff during the party when she realised the mother didn't just pop out for a minute. So you can't pretend the OP did nothing RaffertyFair

ReaganSomerset · 04/03/2019 22:30

I'm with you, OP. But get MNHQ to delete this thread or you'll be in the tabloids tomorrow.

pallisers · 04/03/2019 22:31

Where I live, nobody stays for parties. It is assumed the hosts have enough help. Nobody brings siblings either.

Where I live (another part of the US) everyone stayed for parties of 4 year olds - or asked another parent to be responsible for their child. Every party I had where the parents dropped off, that parent would usually have asked "do you need any help" beforehand.

The mother was appalling. She dropped an 8 year old at a play centre without any supervision or any adult knowing she was there. She refused to answer her phone (I have no doubt she saw the texts and calls but didn't answer because she didn't want to interupt her hair). She expected another mother who did not know her children beyond passing one of them at nursery to take complete responsibility for her children. OP did exactly the right thing.

People treat children worse than they would their wallet a lot of the time. DH was at a sailing race one time a couple of hours from home at a hosting club. Another guy from our club brought his 2 kids with him. A 10 year old and an 8 year old who is on the spectrum. He left those 2 children on the shore while he went off on his race. Dh is out waiting for the start and says to the guy "oh is marianne (his wife) here - I didn't see her) and gets the reply "no" "who is minding David and Alex" says dh "OH I just left them, they are fine" says fool father.
I'd say dh worried more about them than their dad did when racing. When the dad came back they were gone. As it happened 2 members of the club they were at took them home with them. Took him a while to figure that out though - he wasn't that bothered. Presumably the people who took them home were nice people who felt sorry for the kids. Or maybe they weren't.

I could never take that man seriously since.

thedisorganisedmum · 04/03/2019 22:33

you should have made it very clear on th invites that you would not be able to facilitate late pick ups so children would be left aloneness if the centre if they weren’t collected promptly

you can imagine what schools have to deal with on a daily basis...

WineAndTiramisu · 04/03/2019 22:34

I'm not sure why you're getting so much flack here, she was a CF and you did the right thing, what if she'd been in an accident? Police was right call

PiebaldHamster · 04/03/2019 22:35

People treat children worse than they would their wallet a lot of the time.

Or their phone.

MumUnderTheMoon · 04/03/2019 22:42

YANBU
If she was leaving then she should have told you.
If she was leaving then she should have checked about what time the party ended.
If she was leaving she should have made sure to be available on her mobile.
I'd have called social services on her myself tbh.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 04/03/2019 22:45

Totally not unreasonable, complete cf on her part, hate people that palm thier kids off in that manner, if she couldn’t be bothered to answer the phone then how were you suppose to know what happened, I never leave my dc unattended ( DS is 11but has autism) I stick around as to not cramp his style but close enough so he knows I’m there if he needs me. Dd is 6 so defo al2ays stay with her

Chocmallows · 04/03/2019 22:46

I imagine the hairdresser conversation
"Where are the DCs today?"
"Youngest had a party so yippee free childcare, I'll have a colour as well as cut"
She needed a wake up call!

SpiritedLondon · 04/03/2019 23:01

I don’t think the OP is necessarily getting flack I just think people would have acted differently. These weren’t children that she chanced upon lost in a shopping centre these were ( one was) an invited guest to a party and is presumably a friend of the OPs child. The party happened to be in a soft play - it could have been in a church hall or the OPs home - what would you have done then? It was not the soft plays responsibility - in the absence of the (CF) mother - whereabouts unknown- I would expect the party host to show a little kindness. Now that doesn’t mean taking them back to her house - it might be asking for a friend or a neighbour to relieve the mother for half an hour or asking my DH to go home from work while I stayed at the soft play to help sort things out. None of this is for the mother but for the child who was 4. ( and the other child obvs) What would you want someone to do for your child? You didn’t know she was at the hairdressers so anything could have happened to her. So yes the mother was absolutely a cheeky fucker and behaved miserably but I don’t agree with your actions either.

Lucie8881 · 04/03/2019 23:06

I accept that OP says she had no alternative. But no hardly evidence of concern or emotional response to the children who have a shit mother and were left in a public place.

What emotional response do you want?? She ensured the children were safe, relatively unfazed and that trained staff were dealing with the situation. What else do you want from OP? Fraught handwringing? Tears? For her to lodge an emergency court order to assume custody of the children raising them as her own?

Ridiculous to suggest the OP should've acted any differently than she did, enabling this behaviour does nobody any favours least of all the the 2 "abandoned" children.

TBDO · 04/03/2019 23:07

I can’t imagine anyone leaving their DC like this. So I’d have thought an accident had befallen the woman. In this case, the police being involved would be the best way to deal with it - they’d be able to find relatives (or involve SS if they couldn’t find any), which overall would be better for the DC than being taken to a strangers home.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 04/03/2019 23:08

Good on you, she won’t do that again 😁. I do think you could have sneaked the older sibling into the party room though.

I wouldn’t expect a return invite to her DD’s party 😉

Not in any way excluding her CF behaviour, but of course if the older one is 6 or 7 it probably is normal to leave them and collect later, but absolutely not at age 4. And of course normal to either collect on time or phone profusely apologising with a bloody good explanation for being late!

thedisorganisedmum · 04/03/2019 23:10

You didn’t know she was at the hairdressers so anything could have happened to her.
true but for the fact that she didn't warn the OP she was leaving.

Pretty sure most of us would not have just legged it without saying a word, and that makes all the difference. Most of us wouldn't even have left the children with only 1 adult to supervise, even in a soft play.

PiebaldHamster · 04/03/2019 23:12

it might be asking for a friend or a neighbour to relieve the mother for half an hour or asking my DH to go home from work while I stayed at the soft play to help sort things out.

Meanwhile, on Planet Reality, many people do not have a 'friend or neighbour' who can provide ad hoc childcare for an unspecified time whilst the OP waited and waited for the CF to show up, or cannot just leave their jobs at the drop of a hat for a non-emergency like this. My DH could not leave his job unless there were quite a serious emergency (he drives a bus). Still more don't get paid for leaving early and/or could even get in trouble.

adriennewillfly · 04/03/2019 23:12

OP - you definitely did the right thing. If you'd taken them home, no doubt you'd get flack from CF that you kidnapped her kids.

SpiritedLondon · 04/03/2019 23:13

Most of us wouldn't even have left the children with only 1 adult to supervise, even in a soft play

Absolutely agree - mother sounds like a nightmare. But I stand by my point.

MaidaVala2000 · 04/03/2019 23:16

This is the meanest thing I have read for a long time. Many things aren't strictly our responsibility but you do it as it's the right thing to do even if it's inconvenient, makes you late, mucks up your day etc etc. How could you feel good driving away from the party leaving those kids there? I couldn't have done it? And why invite kids you clearly couldn't give a rat's arse about? I care about each of my DS's mates, at least enough to make sure they are looked after.

MaidaVala2000 · 04/03/2019 23:17

Why not bring the 6 month old to the party? Don't get it.

Chocmallows · 04/03/2019 23:19

OP - you definitely did the right thing. If you'd taken them home, no doubt you'd get flack from CF that you kidnapped her kids.

^^This, absolutely, you would not have had the right to take the DCs home. For those saying that what would happen if she had taken them and something had happened? Also the mum would have returned and would not know where there were? She could claim kidnapping!

MaidaVala2000 · 04/03/2019 23:20

Is it not a possibility that the mother assumed, albeit mistakenly, that parents could leave and come back later and simply got the timing wrong? I didn't leave mine at parties at this age but some people do.

squeekums · 04/03/2019 23:21

you did right thing OP
The mother is useless. she should have told you where she was going, should have answered her phone. if she dont want the cops rocking up, be a responsible parent. Not hard.

Ive held play center parties, some places have very strict numbers so i understand why the left kid couldnt go in party room. Thankfully at dd party when a sibling came their mother stayed too and took care of their kid during the meal and party games in the room

Of course the play center will call the cops, they not a daycare center and if the is no prior arrangement on the supervision of the kid, aka where is her mother or willing guardian then they HAVE to call, a child has technically been abandoned by their mother

hopefully it was the kick up the ass this woman needed

janetforpresident · 04/03/2019 23:21

But SpiritedLondon the op has said the children were happily playing in the soft play she didn't abandon them as they clung to her ankles sobbing, they don't even know her. It's not the same as a hall party which is hired by the party hosts as they assume responsibility for children there. In a hall you would be aware if a parent had left.

This mother left her 8 year old without supervision in soft play and didn't turn up to collect her 4 year old from a party at a public place. Of course the soft play take responsibility they will.be trained and insured for such situations.

And she is not a CF she is a neglectful parents who deserves to have children's services aware of her. Don't assume this was a one off.

Poloshot · 04/03/2019 23:22

I might have done it differently myself but no issues with your approach hopefully she learns her lesson

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