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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or do you not leave kids unattended at a birthday party?

999 replies

Dumbodog · 04/03/2019 19:01

Unless you've discussed it with the host beforehand?

DS 4th birthday party at a soft play on Saturday. 12 invited, mix of friends from nursery and friends from our street. However parents were free to bring siblings and pay normal entry fee for them. All fine.

The eldest of one of the mum's from nursery (her younger sibling was invited) came running over to me crying about 20 mins in to the party and tells me her mum told her to come to me if she needed anything. I continued looking for her mum and she then tells me that mummy has gone to the shops. I wasn't too bothered at that point, thought she perhaps needed something urgently although still should have let me know. Her DD was fine and went back off to play with her sister.

Half an hour later she still wasn't back and the invited kids were going into the party room for food. Her eldest DD was crying because she couldn't come in and she was now being left in the play area unsupervised. I let the staff know the situation at this point. I found the mum's RSVP text and tried calling her (not friendly with her other than to say hello to at nursery) and there was no answer. I tried on and off for the next hour!

The party came to an end and she still wasn't back and still wasn't returning my call. The staff said they could keep the kids but would have to call the police. I thought this was the best scenario as I obviously couldn't take them with me, and god forbid if anything had happened to their mum then at least the police would find out.

I received a call from the mum about half an hour after I got home and she was shouting and bawling at me! She couldn't believe I over reacted so much and just left her kids as she'd only gone to get her hair done. Apparently I should've known she would be back. She was livid the police had been called and they gave her a talking to about leaving the kids without telling anyone and she was lucky social services hadn't been called. But again, apparently I should've known she'd be back and I could've at least taken the kids home with me instead of "showing her up" like that. She said she thought others would also leave their kids, as if I was a bloody babysitter! She hung up on me when I tried to tell her that how could I possibly know she'd have been back when I didn't even know she'd gone until her kid told me. What if something happened to her? Or the kids while she was gone? What if she just never came back? She told me I was batshit and hung up Grin

So, AIBU or does she deserve a cheeky fucker award?!

OP posts:
Muddysnowdrop · 04/03/2019 23:24

It’s odd that one of the small number of children your dc wanted invited to the party is also someone you “don’t know from Adam”, a perfect stranger etc. The mum of their nursery friend would be a lot more familiar to the younger of these siblings, than some soft play employees (teenagers where I live usually) and the police.
OP had the right to do what she did, but that doesn’t mean it’s what she should have done.

thedisorganisedmum · 04/03/2019 23:24

and hopefully others reading this thread might think twice before neglecting their own children

ComeMonday · 04/03/2019 23:26

I love how people are pretending that soft play staff are “trained professionals” who know how to deal with this thing and not dead-eyed teenagers.

NOBODY IS DISPUTING THAT THE OTHER MUM WAS VERY WRONG. We just disagree on whether it was kind or unkind to leave the one little girl out of the party room while the others had food and cake and to leave the children alone at the venue in care of the soft play staff and ostensibly later on the police.

CheshireChat · 04/03/2019 23:27

But it wouldn't have made the OP late, but her mum and with a lot of jobs it would a disciplinary straight away...

WineCheeseSleep · 04/03/2019 23:27

YANBU at all. People saying they'd have taken the children home with them, logistically how would that have worked? What about car seats?

ahtellthee · 04/03/2019 23:27

Those poor kids. You handled it perfectly OP.

ComeMonday · 04/03/2019 23:28

Has the OP even said the soft play wouldn’t allow an extra child in the party room? Did she even try...?

Sometimes it’s the kids with the cheekiest F’er parents who need kindness the most. At the very least you could have let the poor kid have a piece of cake!!

NWQM · 04/03/2019 23:29

Why @SpiritedLondon do you not think that the Soft Play - whose terms presumably had been breeched when the 8 year old was paid for and dumped - is at least 50% in this?

@Muddysnowdrop - why is it odd? I rarely saw a soul when I picked up from nursery. My daughters invite were based on asking the teacher and then her agreeing. It is quite possible that if it's a local play area the children have been before. Mine knew some of the staff. It's not QED at all.

I don't think the OP did anything wrong but I'd have stayed personally.

PiebaldHamster · 04/03/2019 23:33

Has the OP even said the soft play wouldn’t allow an extra child in the party room? Did she even try...?

Yes, she has if you RTFT. She asked. Not allowed.

A lot of people, if they don't turn up for work, they don't get paid, or disciplined, and last time I checked, my rent is to be paid in £ sterling, not kindnesses. It's quite possible that if her mother didn't turn up for work on time she could be out of pocket or disciplined, so the OP had to leave.

CalmdownJanet · 04/03/2019 23:33

I guarantee if you had posted here after the party but before you actually left saying mam had disappeared and was not contactable, you had to collect the baby, the kids were happy and playing and staff were happy to watch while police arrived and asked posters what to do, you would have gotten a tonne of replies telling you to go and let the police deal with it

Muddysnowdrop · 04/03/2019 23:37

NWQM I’m not implying the OP knew the family, but that her dc did - this was her kid’s friend, one of only a dozen, who had been liked enough to invite to the party. I’m not clear on just how late the CF was, OP seems to have left promptly after the party and the CF called her “about half an hour” after she was home. So, 3/4 of an hour? One? Two? It’s not always clear to me when a party is going to (finally) end, not that I left mine at that age.

pallisers · 04/03/2019 23:38

Why not bring the 6 month old to the party? Don't get it.

Seriously OP. Why didn't you cart a 6month old on your hip while you managed the party on the off chance that another mother would require you to wait for an extra hour or two with her abandoned children. Seriously OP. Have some imagination the next time and plan accordingly.

Muddysnowdrop · 04/03/2019 23:39

I’m more surprised granny didn’t want to come to the party, since the dad wasn’t there either!

Chocmallows · 04/03/2019 23:40

OP is not a social worker, she organised a party and had a baby to return to and working mum. The abandoned DCs were not abandoned by her, she left them in the place the mother had knowingly dumped them and she made sure the staff knew.

The mother should have apologised...to OP, but more importantly to her DCs. Particularly the 8 year who she lied to by saying another person had agreed to help her if she needed help. I hope the DCs ask lots of uncomfortable questions over the next few months so she does not do it again.

Strokethefurrywall · 04/03/2019 23:43

This is the meanest thing I have read for a long time.

Yes, the CF parent was bloody mean to ditch her kids at a party without thought to the OP or her circumstances wasn't she?

Oh wait... you mean OP was mean. Right...

FrancisCrawford · 04/03/2019 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

humpydumpybumpy · 04/03/2019 23:47

Just on pg2, but Op you completely did the right thing.

The children are the mother's responsibility. The mother buggered off and did not tell the OP. The Op had no idea what was going on with the mother.

For those doing the usual 'what about the children!', do you not see this is the best thing that could have happened for them. It means that (hopefully) the mother will think twice before pulling this stunt again. I would not be surprised to find that she has form for taking off and leaving her children irresponsibly. I'm sure the staff and the police would be careful with and kind to the children, and mum got a boot up the rear in front of her kids, so they and she knows what she did was wrong.

LaBelleSauvage · 04/03/2019 23:52

OP if I had disappeared and was not answering my phone I would be glad you had been responsible enough to call the police, since the only way this would happen would be if there was an emergency.

The mother could have been in a car accident. There is no excuse for not being contactable when you are due to look after your children unless you are incapacitated. If you are not contactable you have to accept that people will assume there has been an emergency.

If you are not incapacitated, phone the damn soft play or party host and tell them that you are unable to get back.

Serin · 04/03/2019 23:52

This wont be the first time she has done this either, I bet she will have been late collecting from nursery, school and play dates in the past. Hopefully she will think twice now.

Lalliella · 04/03/2019 23:55

OP you definitely did the right thing. You didn’t abandon her kids. She did.

ThePants999 · 04/03/2019 23:58

#TeamOP

Acted entirely correctly and "bugger that" to the idea that your actions were "punishing" the children or anything like that.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/03/2019 00:03

I wouldn’t agree to supervise extra children at any of the big soft plays near us for longer than a loo break. Perhaps if the centres had a strict ratio for children to adults (akin to swimming) they wouldn’t be quite such awful places.

It would be mean to the children to cover up their mother’s neglectful parenting. Yanbu.

Lucie8881 · 05/03/2019 00:06

Why not bring the 6 month old to the party? Don't get it.

To make life easier? Is that a difficult concept to comprehend?

pallisers · 05/03/2019 00:08

It’s not always clear to me when a party is going to (finally) end

It has always been clear to me - kids parties aren't like cocktail parties.
But if in doubt the etiquette is if the invitation doesn't make it clear you ask the parent when you drop off. Then you arrive 5 minutes before the time stated/told.

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 05/03/2019 00:12

I think you did the right thing OP.

All I could think of as I read this thread was "if the CF mother thinks this is okay, what else does she do?"

A piece of cake Hmm is a lot less help than proper intervention if this is in fact a pattern of behaviour rather than a one-off (which seems likely given her reaction on the phone).

As for giving 'extra time' or 'leeway' or what have you, I think that this was covered within the party itself, from the point that you realised she was AWOL and first attempted to make contact, to the party ending.