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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be getting frustrated about play dates not being reciprocated?

219 replies

toomanykidsnotenoughme · 04/03/2019 10:32

DS (7) has a friend he adores. They live just around the corner. We are on friendly terms with the family.

I invite the friend for play dates fairly regularly, as DS and his friend love spending time together. They are usually only organised on the day, though, not planned in advance.

DS really loves going to their house, because it's not his so it's interesting! But, he very very rarely gets invited. When he's been there, there haven't been any issues that I'm aware of, he's been well behaved, and hasn't broken anything. Sometimes I'll ask the parents to have him if I can't get to school on time, and if they're free they say yes.

But, they just hardly ever offer off they're own back. I want my kids to feel this house is always open for friends, as mine wasn't when I was a child and I hated it. I've got older kids for who play dates are shared out pretty evenly amongst the families so no problems there.
AIBU unreasonable to be a bit put out?
I know it's a personal decision, they have a very lovely house (mines rather "lived in Grin) and kids running round may not be your thing.
But, I'm interested to know that if you're not big on play dates, excepting ill health, lack of time and issues with your home, why do you feel that way? I'm just curious and it might make me more understanding and less frustrated!

OP posts:
Katebear1 · 05/03/2019 23:39

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HomeMadeMadness · 05/03/2019 23:58

@Katebear1 Sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. I think you should start a new thread of your own to get better advice. Good luck.

squeekums · 06/03/2019 01:42

. The whole "I want to keep the world out of my space" is a bit beyond me, to be honest.

And i dont understand people who enjoy heaps of interaction and noise.
I like my space. Dp likes his space. Dd likes her space. Hell its why we moved rural lol
We can pick and choose when we interact and go see people.

thedisorganisedmum · 06/03/2019 08:44

I spend at least an hour, probably more cleaning before anyone comes round.

I never understand that. Either you are happy in your own home, and who cares what visitors think?, or you are like me and hate a messy and dirty house, but then why wait for visitors?

NathansMummy0203 · 06/03/2019 09:03

I have 2 DS, 2 year old and a 10 month old so not at school yet. However, I few of my friends were pregnant at the same time as me and I also have a large family so lots of kids similar age to my oldest to play with as well as older cousins. I hardly ever go to other people's houses as everyone prefers to come here. It is never questioned. The downstairs of my house is quite large and well laid out for kids to play in so it's easier for other parents to bring their kids here and I just know and accept that. My kids are in quite a set routine aswell (2 YO still takes a lunch time nap) so it actually suits me that way as it means I don't need to rush off anywhere when my kids need to sleep, I can simply pop them upstairs and enjoy a cuppa in relative peace as we then have less kids to listen to Grin

Angel2702 · 06/03/2019 18:42

We rarely have kids over as we just don’t have a free day, with three kids at various activities every day after school and I work three evenings a week.

dietcokemegafan · 06/03/2019 19:37

@SuziQ10 you might want to considering seeing your GP. that isn't normal.

Muddysnowdrop · 06/03/2019 19:55

Would you regularly go round to a friend’s house for dinner, with no plan to ever invite them back to yours? And you wouldn’t see that as cfish?

MsTSwift · 06/03/2019 19:59

Suzi that sounds very restrictive for you and your family. Thought of your comment as yesterday I had 3 parents of dds friends/my friends troop through my kitchen was an utter bombsite as had done pancakes with 4 kids then had to dash out an activity pick up didn’t occur to me to be ashamed - that’s what a lived in house is like sometimes.

Mmmmbrekkie · 06/03/2019 20:11

All these people saying they don’t like it because they feel embarrassed about messy homes.

Opposite for me. My home is lovely and clean and I really don’t like it when other children coming over and make it look a mess. I occasionally do them but thankfully v affluent SW town where practically every child has loads of after school activities and hobbies and music lessons etc so play dates aren’t particularly commonplace

MsTSwift · 06/03/2019 20:22

Shame. Some of my happiest childhood memories going to friends houses “for tea” and playing imaginary games rather than worthy structured adult led activities.Love hearing the laughter from upstairs. They were playing spies yesterday. Couldn’t give a stuff about abit of mess afterwards.

Acey11 · 07/03/2019 12:22

Both of my daughters are really popular and are always getting invited to different friends houses, if I invited all of these kids back here, I’d probably be hosting a play date every week!

I tend to do about one a month, but I let my daughters choose who to invite. I don’t choose who they’ve most recently seen.

It sounds harsh, but actually the reason parents organise play dates is for their kids, so I want my kids to choose who they see.

Meandmetoo · 07/03/2019 12:45

I rarely reciprocate now for various reasons including MH issues. It's never been a problem, none of my school mum friends are into all this transaction stuff.

I have asked my DC friends over a few times in the past, my DC haven't been invited back and it's never been a problem. I invited their friends so they can play, so it didnt matter if it's my house or theirs. The intention is never to bank a return invite nor should it be.

celticprincess · 07/03/2019 13:15

Some people don’t like having people round for many reasons. My eldest is 9 and is often invited to her best friend’s house and even her sister gets an invite too as they play together at church and when we go on day trips out of school. She has another friend who has us round infrequently and I pop in for coffee there too. The dad came round a few weeks ago to drop something off and realised in all the years we’ve known them he’s never been in my house. Not an issue though.

My issue with play dates is fitting them in. They have activities in after school most nights of the week. They spend half the week at their dad’s house. The only possible time would be a weekend but I’ve just salvaged those back from activities which have been discontinued. Because they aren’t with me full time I feel that when they are with me I want to spend time with them and not their friends who they see all day 5 days a week. I even turn down play dates on occasion when I feel I’ve hardly seen my own kids due to work and shared care. They are still at the age though where I’d have to heavily supervise and organise and I’m just too busy. I’m quite happy once they are older though for friends to come and knock and play and vice versa.

I’m also just not fond of other people’s kids some days. I’m a teacher so spend a lot of time with other people’s kids anyway and I love my job but when I’m home it’s my family time.

My eldest daughter is being assessed for ASD high functioning and struggles with friends. When we had friends over once she disappeared up to her room and left her friend downstairs playing with her younger sister. She had just had enough. This also puts me off.

SparkiePolastri · 08/03/2019 08:54

if I invited all of these kids back here, I’d probably be hosting a play date every week!

If I was hosting just one play date a week, it would feel like tumbleweed was blowing through the house.

This thread is such an eye-opener... 😶

Dieu · 08/03/2019 14:20

@celticprincess

So your child PLUS sibling have play dates round someone's house, which you never reciprocate? Yes, I'm sure to you it is 'no issue'. Hmm

Unbelievable.

celticprincess · 08/03/2019 14:39

@Dieu
It is not a problem to me or the family that has them round. They know I don’t have any time to fit it in. The play dates they’ve been on with that family have been when I am still at work. They are reciprocated in different ways. We meet up together to go out for the day and we have actually been away camping together for a week. That particular child has been to play dates with my children at their dad’s house so I guess they are reciprocated in that way. But for that reason I don’t often accept the play dates. I’ve probably declined more than I’ve accepted. The other parent doesn’t have any issue with this. Their child is an only child so they pressure a bit for play dates with my child so their child isn’t lonely!! There’s 2 parents in that house to give time to the one child. In my house there is just me splitting my time between my 2 children for the part of the week that I see them. So sorry if I sound selfish and want to actually spend the time with my kids and not other people’s kids when they come home.

SparkiePolastri · 08/03/2019 17:35

So sorry if I sound selfish and want to actually spend the time with my kids and not other people’s kids when they come home.

That's not what Dieu's picking up on.

I'm with the OP (and Dieu).

Luckily it genuinely isn't an issue in our circles, and hosting v shipping kids out is much of a muchness.

Dontrainonmyparade · 08/03/2019 17:45

For me I’d just rather not, we both work FT in high pressure jobs and what time we have at home we prefer to spend with our family. Plus I’m with the pp who said they aren’t fond of children. Me neither. I like my own obviously, but other people’s... meh. It’s hard work and I’d rather not. If others want to invite my child over that’s their prerogative, and if my child wants to go then fine. But I’m steadfastly ignoring any expectation that I should reciprocate. If my child asks then I’ll accommodate it, and grin and bear it for them - but I won’t encourage it.

namechange123779 · 08/03/2019 23:10

Have they got any older kids? I've put a freeze on play dates as my eldest is revising hard for his GCSEs & we are having some building work done,to be fair anytime the younger ones have been invited to play dates I've told the parents I'll return the date in the summer, short answer is they might just have a lot going on x

givemesteel · 10/03/2019 19:49

Picked up on this thread from Facebook where they did the voting buttons on whether play dates should be reciprocated. Was 60/40 in favour of yes when I looked.

So for those of us who feel playdate should be reciprocated (me included) can see why they're not, as 40% of parents don't think they should (rude imo).

I already talk to my dc 4 about 'turns', ie its our turn to have x over.

Most people do reciprocate as they appreciate the hassle of having someone else's kid over, having something nicer for tea and usually about 30-60 mins of tidying afterwards as well as it just meaning bedtime is later as your schedule is put out.

So happy to invite a kid once but if no reciprocal Invite then I don't invite back, and we don't get invited back again either if it's not their 'turn' so most play by the unspoken rule.

Exceptions would be if the child had a disabled parent or sibling where obviously I understand hosting playdate would be much harder.

Granted when playdates don't involve the parent then maybe it gets more relaxed. I played at other kids houses after school and visa versa when I was about 9 onwards but didn't stay for tea so wasn't a formal arrangement.

For the record I don't really like other people's kids either but do it to make dcs life nicer.

Liciaflorrick · 10/03/2019 20:21

The reasons I don't reciprocate as much as others is that I have three dc of very different ages and it is hard to manage. Secondly our house is messy, lived in, and I have found some of the other mums v judgey which has put me off. Possibly the biggest reason, is that I only invite round children who I know are well behaved. My eldest dd 12 recently had a friend round who thought it was OK to rifle through my out of bounds bedroom. Not OK. My husband also has quite severe mental health probs, sleeps a lot in the day and I find it really hard to be open with people about them and don't really want to open ourselves up like that. Xx

Liciaflorrick · 10/03/2019 20:27

The other thing I should have said, is that all dc get regular invites to play dates whether reciprocated or not. Kids can get v entitled about playdates ime e.g.we have had you over when's our turn? Not appreciating the work that goes into making them happen, tidying, cooking etc
In our house they are a real treat x

QueenOfSneakyNaps · 10/03/2019 21:03

OP, I think there are so many good posts here that I do not have much to add.

Just from my perspective... I really hate play dates at our house. We live in a small flat and our children share a room. Most friends seem to live in big houses and find our flat tiny. Several children seem to want to be entertained as well (our children are used to entertaining themselves as I tend to be busy with cleaning / laundry). I don’t really enjoy it either as I do not like children in general. Don’t get me wrong, I actually really like some of my DCs friends, for THEM, as I have gotten to know them, it is just the random new child I find difficult- I really want them to be happy though.

We try to always invite children back, but I find it incredibly stressful. If I get the feeling that some families with nannies prefer the play date at their home, I am all for it!!!

chandylier · 10/03/2019 21:14

No-one is under any obligation to return the invite. They're just not.
For loads of reasons, the simplest being that they just don't want to
Hope that helps

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