To be getting frustrated about play dates not being reciprocated?

[toomanykidsnotenoughme]

DS (7) has a friend he adores. They live just around the corner. We are on friendly terms with the family.

I invite the friend for play dates fairly regularly, as DS and his friend love spending time together. They are usually only organised on the day, though, not planned in advance.

DS really loves going to their house, because it's not his so it's interesting! But, he very very rarely gets invited. When he's been there, there haven't been any issues that I'm aware of, he's been well behaved, and hasn't broken anything. Sometimes I'll ask the parents to have him if I can't get to school on time, and if they're free they say yes.

But, they just hardly ever offer off they're own back. I want my kids to feel this house is always open for friends, as mine wasn't when I was a child and I hated it. I've got older kids for who play dates are shared out pretty evenly amongst the families so no problems there.
AIBU unreasonable to be a bit put out?
I know it's a personal decision, they have a very lovely house (mines rather "lived in ) and kids running round may not be your thing.
But, I'm interested to know that if you're not big on play dates, excepting ill health, lack of time and issues with your home, why do you feel that way? I'm just curious and it might make me more understanding and less frustrated!

I don't mind them now and again but I've got enough kids as it is and young ones, so I don't want other people's round all the time. And whenever my son has friends round his room is trashed and something gets broken.

I agree Yabbers, It really isn't indicative of manners. Its not 1790 anymore where one MUST invite the Haverfords over within two weeks of their last invite to us because they hosted us at their grand luncheon last wednesday or we would appear ghastly rude brutes if not! Unless its still bad manners for a 'lady' to swear or to not sit with her legs perfectly folded to the side?! Its outdated and its not based on anything at all that should matter -

Because Isn't an INVITATION just that? Offering something because you WANT to, like a gift, with no ulterior motives, no ties, no rxpectations of anything back. Why are people doing everything like its a contract, a burden. If you dont want to do it, don't! Why are you entitled to something back? If you feel slighted by not being invited back its your issue - possibly about rejection, entitlement etc.
And for children its supposed to be about them playing together. Just them being in each others company isnt it?

Why does it have to be some high and mighty moral swing-ball - batting back the invite because if you don't you fear people will think you rude?

I would NEVER impose or invite myself or my children to someone elses house. I say please, thank you and i give out invites, gifts and anything else with no ulterior motives and zero expectations. I seriously don't know why that concept is so hard.

JRMisOdious It is nice but it can be quite invasive, especially in the summer months and not without its own drama either!

We’re in Ireland, not sure if it makes much difference but playing out or out each other’s backs is still more or less the norm among all my friends children!

I had a few different set ups with other mothers a bit further away when DD was smaller but it was such a big commitment to have to sit drinking tea for the two or three hours while the DC played so I’m glad they’re over!

I haven't rtft but in future as these are the signals you are getting you should only ask their dc over with advance notice, so they can plan or decline, not be put on the spot, and you should not ask them again to have your dc (unless and until you have reciprocated with a favour, not a playdate) as they may well feel you are overstepping and cheeky.

It could be anything OP - I am always a bit embarassed about the state of my house, it's always messy and just don't manage to keep on top of housework. We also have a big dog (whose hair is flipping everywhere) and lots of kids are a bit scared of her so that puts me off hosting.

@EvaHarknessRose it's really hard to work out how my behaviour here is rude, honestly! I will usually send a message the eve before, or the morning of, the day they are invited. The parents are perfectly able and entitled to say no, sometimes they do, sometimes not. Sometimes the boys will come out of school together and my son will say "can x come over"? I will always say (If I'm happy for him to) it's up to his mum. His mum will say yes if convenient, or no if not. No one is making her agree.
Regarding favours, they are pretty even, I'd say. I'm not a CF asking for an unpaid childminding service. It's normal on our class WhatsApp group for parents to say "I'm stuck at work, can someone collect y for me?" I help out, others help out, those that don't want to or can't, don't. Really don't get how that is so much of an issue?!

I can't start a TAAT so I'll ask here; if something happens meaning you can't pick your DC's up from school on time (unexpected like transport problem, known in advance like an apt), afterschool club is full and your partner is unable to get away from work in time, what do people do? What is normal, and what is acceptable?

We have a class whatsapp group so will pop it in there and another parent will always offer to either take your DC home or wait with them till you arrive

I would much rather my DC's friends accepted invitations and didn't reciprocate than just didn't accept them. That would be petty why would I want my kids to miss out?

I know a woman whose son goes on playdates but she very rarely invites his friends round to theirs because she has anxiety about untidiness and mess. If you saw her reaction to things being moved or finger marks on anything you really wouldn't want your child playing in her house.
Her son is a very friendly, popular little boy, very polite, very tidy and invited to playdates all the time. It's good for him so I think it would be sad if other mums excluded him because his own mum is obsessed with timeliness and cleanliness.

It really isn't indicative of manners.
of course it is. Just because many people don't bother doesn't make it right, same goes for RSVP to kids invitations for example.

Posters on this thread seem to agree that it’s more effort/work hosting another child so if it’s not indicative of manners as some claim and assuming no mitigating circumstances then it’s at least a bit lazy/cheeky fuckerish to not bother when you are prepared to accept other people’s invitations.

@NoahsArk what area are you in? In Manchester there are organisations that can help

As an aside you say your house is a messy house so perhaps you are quite relaxed about the mess your child makes. Then when he goes to someone else's house if they are not a messy house maybe he does not realise that making the mess is not normal for them.

My DS used to have a friend who insisted on getting literally every toy, puzzle and game out. Toys like cars, trains etc that is fine. But no to board games and puzzles unless they sat properly at the table and played with one at a time. It became quite stressful to me as a tidier person to have a child used to being able to play that way over.

Do you think your child is aware of what would be more normal in other houses?

Posters on this thread seem to agree that it’s more effort/work hosting another child so if it’s not indicative of manners as some claim and assuming no mitigating circumstances then it’s at least a bit lazy/cheeky fuckerish to not bother when you are prepared to accept other people’s invitations

I disagree. Why should someone feel obliged to host a play date if they don't want to take on the extra work and effort? It's not compulsory. If the children enjoy playing together it shouldn't matter where it happens. If the other parent is put out at the lack of reciprocation they can cut down on play dates or invite a different child.

Many parents are exhausted after work and don't have the energy to entertain, feed and supervise other people's kids on a regular basis. Some kids have lots of siblings, cousins or local friends coming over so don't need to invite school friends, but feel it's rude to decline invitations.

Why should someone feel obliged to host a play date if they don't want to take on the extra work and effort?

they shouldn't, but then they shouldn't accept the invitations in the first place. It's rude, or entitled at best, to expect the other parent to take the burden of entertaining, feeding and supervising your own child - they are as busy and as exhausted as you are.

Of course it's not rude to decline an invitation, but it's rude to take advantage of others and never reciprocate.

If you acknowledge that it's hard work, why do you think it's ok to leave to hard work to others.

I like having ds's play dates here. But I expect a reciprocation, eventually, which I always get. I don't understand those that say this is not ok, ie to expect an recip.

In what area of life is it balanced? In friendship to give give give and never receive, to talk constantly and never listen. Friendships are all about balance. If someone took all the time and never offered, we'd advise it was an unbalanced friendship.

For the most part, it's because I'm at work until late in the evening. DH used to have some of DD's friends round for playdates, but there were a few parents who used to look slightly perturbed at the idea that the parent in charge of the playdate might be of the male persuasion!

My children are now at secondary school and old enough to organise themselves. DS rather likes his own company but DD is very sociable. She usually goes to friend's houses though, as DH works nights and needs to sleep during the day and other children in the house are not conducive to a reasonable sleep, however quiet you ask them to be.

For many working parents, and as the pp points out, this usually means Mums, it's not a case of never reciprocating play dates. Just an acknowledgment that it can be difficult.

Having to rearrange work time to look after other people's children has an impact.

It's rude, or entitled at best, to expect the other parent to take the burden of entertaining, feeding and supervising your own child - they are as busy and as exhausted as you are

Who, exactly, has said they expect another parent to have play dates? Isn't it more that some parents WANT to be doing them and like issuing invitations?
If they are busy and exhausted then perhaps they should not do it, especially if they think it's a 'burden' !

Sorry, but if someone invites your child round to play and you accept, they should make it clear that it's on condition you reciprocate rather than sulk and moan about it later when the other parent hasn't arranged one too!
Why would you expect someone to think exactly like you?
Perhaps more or better communication is required instead of assuming you've entered into some form of contract.

TooMany

In your example above you need emergency cover, someone you can call last minute, another willing parent maybe, and you be the cover in return.
I do think it's rude not to reciprocate a play date, there is no excuse, but understand it could be a day out in the holidays, it doesn't have to be any particular time after the first play date.
My dc friends would invite them over in the summer when a parent was off work, it's hard when parents work after school.

I totally get you op. Just rankles abit in any relationship when it’s obviously one sided. As your kid enjoys the others child’s company so you are penalising your child if you stop inviting. No one notices the odd imbalance but sometimes it’s taking the mick. We realised we have had dds pal for 4 sleepovers pals mum not hosted once I know it’s because she can’t be arsed as she’s said so!

My son (11)has a friend who comes to our house on a regular basis, about every other day. They generally play outside, but nip in and out, watch a bit of tv etc. His mum never invites my son round, and they never just go round together because she, and the dad, don't want the house and garden messed up. She's a neat freak and doesn't want other children in her house

I'm very tidy also, but like that our house is viewed as welcoming and one where you can relax. My rule though is that if you are treated like one of the family, you also get told not to misbehave. I'll also say everyone home when I've had enough.

The other parent's attitude used to really wind me up, but now I think meh, the kids think you're boring and stuck up, whereas we have a laugh together (most of the time!) and our house feels lively and lived in - not a show home.

they shouldn't, but then they shouldn't accept the invitations in the first place. It's rude, or entitled at best, to expect the other parent to take the burden of entertaining, feeding and supervising your own child - they are as busy and as exhausted as you are.

If you can't afford to have or don't have the space to have birthday parties, should your children never accept a party invite?

Isn't the point that our children don't suffer because of adults?

I get the impression the op and others like her are sucking it up for the good of the children. You’d have to be abit of a saint on the 5th unreciprocated play date to not to feel abit towards the other family if there are no obvious reasons for their not ever hosting bar CBA or wanting to keep their house nice and free of pesky kids.