To be getting frustrated about play dates not being reciprocated?

[toomanykidsnotenoughme]

DS (7) has a friend he adores. They live just around the corner. We are on friendly terms with the family.

I invite the friend for play dates fairly regularly, as DS and his friend love spending time together. They are usually only organised on the day, though, not planned in advance.

DS really loves going to their house, because it's not his so it's interesting! But, he very very rarely gets invited. When he's been there, there haven't been any issues that I'm aware of, he's been well behaved, and hasn't broken anything. Sometimes I'll ask the parents to have him if I can't get to school on time, and if they're free they say yes.

But, they just hardly ever offer off they're own back. I want my kids to feel this house is always open for friends, as mine wasn't when I was a child and I hated it. I've got older kids for who play dates are shared out pretty evenly amongst the families so no problems there.
AIBU unreasonable to be a bit put out?
I know it's a personal decision, they have a very lovely house (mines rather "lived in ) and kids running round may not be your thing.
But, I'm interested to know that if you're not big on play dates, excepting ill health, lack of time and issues with your home, why do you feel that way? I'm just curious and it might make me more understanding and less frustrated!

It's rude to always expect to take on the burden.

Other parents might be just as socially awkward, hate their house being messed up, have a busy life with full time job and others.
No one likes other people's children, do they?

They still make an effort for their kids. There are some valid reasons, but otherwise it's just lazy to expect other people to deal with the mess so you keep your clean and quiet house whilst your child is messing up someone's else house

If you don't like playdates, the least you can do is not always accept invitations, don't have them at all. But now because YOUR child would be penalised, you think it's unfair - you have no problem of making it unfair for another kid.

@RedSkyLastNight he does have other friends he has play dates with, yes. Not sure how often the friend invites other children over. I don't think I need to worry about DS's friendships, he seems happy with his little group at school. He and this other boy are official "best friends", though (I've been informed by both them and the other DM, as well as being able to see the bromance blossom!)

I am not keen on it to be honest. I feel in edge, we havent much space for one thing. But i prefer to offer to take them to the park.

My children have had some friends like that, where their friends have always come to our house, but rarely or never invited back. They have had other friends whose parents have scrupulously reciprocated every playdate, and others, especially as they got older, where they were always in and out of each others' houses. My preference has always been for more informal arrangements, rather than formal playdates scheduled in advance.

I was never particularly bothered if they were at ours more often than theirs. If I was home I was always happy to have other children round, especially if they were polite and played well with my children.

But at some stage each of my dc have been upset about some friend who never (or rarely) invited them round to theirs, and that has always been difficult, even when I have a fair idea why they haven't been invited back (e.g. parents juggling long hours at work).

Is your ds upset about not being invited back to his friend's? If he is, see what you can do to initiate some return playdates (not always easy, but in your case the other parents seem open to requests). If he is not bothered, it may just be a matter of his friend preferring your house with the relaxed atmosphere and other children around, and unless you mind, don't worry about it.

I think it IS rude if it is a case of not liking other children, not wanting to be bothered, not wanting a mess etc.

Why would this kind of person accept an invite for their dc to go to a play date? Because it is nice, sociable, socialising skills opportunity, an opportunity to make their own dc happy. Possibly also to get some downtime from parenting.

So to accept, knowing all of these benefits, it is really selfish not to do the same in their own home. Basically, their dc are getting the social benefits you don't want to give them, because of someone else's effort.

Having said that, I am always up for my dc bringing friends home as it keeps them out of my hair and means I don't have to entertain them myself.

YADNBU OP, and chances are that those who say you are, are the very ones who don't reciprocate either.No bullshit excuses. It's rude to accept invitations, but never pay back

You have no idea whether those saying BU are people who don't reciprocate. Maybe many of them are less Judgemental and don't invite people expecting it's paid back.
If you think about it, an invite is not kind if it comes with conditions of reciprocation and another consideration is the child. There are many reasons that child's parent doesn't do the same as you.

I rarely have children come here for a play date unless they come with their parents for a coffee in the holidays because I have three children so no room in the car. I try to avoid weekend things, including parties if I can, because that's the only time we get as a whole family.

Teachesofpeaches

Of course it doesn’t. Reasonable people will understand completely: it’s the friendship that matters, not where it plays out. If you feel awkward that it seems one-sided, maybe explain your situation and contribute towards meals, take some nice snacks for the children or a small token gift for their host.

All sounds very regimented.
Don’t they just knock for each other and go out and play?
7 seems much too old for play dates, I thought play dates were more for an age where children can’t organize things for themselves 2 to 5ish

Margot33...One mum used to drop off the invited girl AND her little sister and shoot off, saying, "you don't mind do you?! Yes, I had that too, with a particularly thick-skinned parent. I would invite the daughter and BOTH daughter and not potty-trained son would also come along. Had to make clear after a couple of times that I would only be taking one!

@Fairyflaps he's always desperate to go and play there. Someone else's house is always more interesting! No idea how to engineer a play date there though without seeming rude :(

It annoys me when people expect it back. I also prefer it to be occasional and like seeing my kids after school! Some mums were mithering to have my kids 3 x a week!
I find it chaos when other kids come and stressful. Some mums ask kids as they find it easier. Also costs in buying foods they like. When you have a large family the dynamics can be awkward too.

We live in NL where playdates are always happening. Nowadays (DD is 8), they will check in for a drink and a snack, but they are outdoors on their bikes/rollerskates/football/games on school playground etc. It's only dropping of the playdate back home where I get involved. At weekends there are 11 of them all playing outside - kids go home to fetch a snack and they all share them between them. Sometimes I might pop out with a big bowl of popcorn for them all. It's quite relaxed TBH, much more now they're all a bit older and I'm not that worried about them wrecking our house. Our door is always ajar when they're out, so are the other parent's front doors.

Wow, I’m seriously impressed with children who can organise things for themselves when they’re 5 😳

@YogaWannabe nope, kids around here wouldn't do that until they are year 5ish (big city, fairly busy).

Some parents feign that they are 'so upset for their children' that they have been 'forced' to cut down on play dates if its never or hardly ever reciprocated. But why? Why are you owed something?

Its nothing to do with their children, it doesnt affect them-it makes them happy if anythinf, but is its the adults themselves they are sad for, not their kids. Because their TRUE motivation isn't for their child to have a nice time, play with friends in a safe environment etc, but to get a 'YOU now owe me 3 hours child free because i want to get rid of my kid because i gave you this' privelege' last week' situation that didn't work out in their favour.

Its purely selfish and not 'for the kids' - thats where i call bullshit in many cases. Yes its nice to have a break but either pay for it or don't have children if you are eternally wanting to get rid of them and get annoyed when you can't!

I still don't accept it, Limensoda. Really, those parents should just step up. It's a playdate, not a bloody dinner party.

Yoga- exactly!
If it's just called "asking Tommy if he wants to come round this afternoon" it saves all this angst.
When I was a child, one of my friends wasn't allowed to play inside the house (never found out why) so we'd just play at mine, or the other girl's.
These days it's a bloody military operation, complete with perceived offence around every corner.

There is a reward when you have a more open home. When they grow up go to uni. and are spread to the four winds, your DC`s get to keep in touch and they sit at your table once again and stay close to your family. Fast forward a few years or more, you get to meet their partners, their babies, because they drop in when visiting their own families.

I smile when they visit my DC`s now married for the weekend, go out and about and tell their partners what a great childhood they had.

It does pay forward.

@OfficeSlave not in my case. I have friends with kids that would happily take mine for a few hours if I wanted / needed child free time. And I reciprocate. If DS is at this friend's house, there's a big chance I still won't be childfree!

Some people might not like having kids or guests come over. It could be the mess or some other issue. For example, I suffer from a phobia and am not keen on children coming to the house always because of germs - specifically any kind of tummy bug. I know its irrational etc...but if I did not have this phobia, I would be inviting kids over all the time. In fact, I did used to do this, until one mom came with her two kids and announced the baby had a tummy bug - after they were already in the house playing. I was SO annoyed. Luckily my kids never caught that bug...but the poor girl had watery poo that went down her legs, through her pants etc during the play date. After that, I got turned off from inviting other kids, as parents are not always considerate when it comes to their children having bugs and spreading them! I would never send a child for a play date if they are sick or recently sick with a tummy bug, as I would not want others to catch it. Anyway, I still do play dates...but more like once a month and usually prefer to meet in parks in the mean time. But I do invite for play dates on occasion, because my kids love them and like you say, its important to reciprocate.

OfficeSlave I've always thought that as well, that it's basically a swap of babysitting. And as I have twins, it is utterly shite for me. usually only one of the kids gets invited, which is fair enough they don't come as a pair, but then a) the one who doesn't get invited is miffed and b) they have lost their playmate for the afternoon so I have to get right into playing with them instead of admiring the odd show every hour or so and getting on with my laundry. And then I have to host the kid back, and then whichever of them isn't that fussed about playing with her (sometimes the one that invited the kid!) will come and bother me, make me play games instead of folding towels etc. Luckily my kids are 6 and the kids round here are generally pretty feral free range so we'll probably be out of the play date stage soon.

@Noahsarks I'm so intrigued by this! Why don't you have furniture?

@toomanykidsnotenoughme I have had way too many conversations with my dc with one of them asking if they can go to friend's house, and me answering that it's up to friend's parents: I'm not the boss of their house - and have even found myself making excuses for the other parents to make it clear that it's not personal to my dc.

Sometimes I have been able to engineer it by asking if they can have my dc for me as a favour, but though you will get an occasional return visit that way, it doesn't change things long term.

I'm glad that my dc are older now (early teens), and negotiate all this crap for themselves.

We are in a play date roundabout at the moment my older kids keep asking for them or going in them. It's starting to stress me out a bit. It's a pain havung kids after school as I have a baby as well and trying to sort everyone's homework, dinner and get the kids sorted for sports clubs is hectic enough without someone else's kid and then getting them picked up and being polite to the parents. If we arrange them at weekends it eats into family time/doing things time as they already have weekend sports and parties all the time.

I know if the kids go on a play date I need to invite the other kid here and then it's on my mind trying to work out when they can come. I really try and say no when I can !