To be getting frustrated about play dates not being reciprocated?

[toomanykidsnotenoughme]

DS (7) has a friend he adores. They live just around the corner. We are on friendly terms with the family.

I invite the friend for play dates fairly regularly, as DS and his friend love spending time together. They are usually only organised on the day, though, not planned in advance.

DS really loves going to their house, because it's not his so it's interesting! But, he very very rarely gets invited. When he's been there, there haven't been any issues that I'm aware of, he's been well behaved, and hasn't broken anything. Sometimes I'll ask the parents to have him if I can't get to school on time, and if they're free they say yes.

But, they just hardly ever offer off they're own back. I want my kids to feel this house is always open for friends, as mine wasn't when I was a child and I hated it. I've got older kids for who play dates are shared out pretty evenly amongst the families so no problems there.
AIBU unreasonable to be a bit put out?
I know it's a personal decision, they have a very lovely house (mines rather "lived in ) and kids running round may not be your thing.
But, I'm interested to know that if you're not big on play dates, excepting ill health, lack of time and issues with your home, why do you feel that way? I'm just curious and it might make me more understanding and less frustrated!

Wow, I’m seriously impressed with children who can organise things for themselves when they’re 5

You’d be really impressed with the children around here then, they’re more than capable of knocking on a door and saying “do you want to play”

HaventGotAllDay same here, my house wasn’t a “play inside” house because my parents were big drinkers so we played in the garden or other peoples houses.
All this drama 🙄

We have children over to our house on a regular basis and dd has been to others less regularly.

I don't mind however as it suits me that dd is occupied and im able to get on with other things so were happy to do it.

I suppose it depends on if having children over is beneficial for you and your dc

I work ft, kids have activities on saturday and we have church on sunday so dont have much time. We also have a dog and most of the kids in DTs class are scared of dogs so we don't bother much.

“You’d be really impressed with the children around here then, they’re more than capable of knocking on a door and saying “do you want to play” “

I’ve honestly never come across anyone in person who’s children were out alone knocking doors aged 5. Of course everyone’s circumstances are different. You’re lucky to live in an environment where that’s safe then, not something we could have considered I’m afraid. Parents talking to each other right up until Year 6 was perfectly normal.

(With my own children: it was very different when I was young but I’m old now!)

justasking
There is a reward when you have a more open home. When they grow up go to uni. and are spread to the four winds, your DC`s get to keep in touch and they sit at your table once again and stay close to your family. Fast forward a few years or more, you get to meet their partners, their babies, because they drop in when visiting their own families.

Don't assume that parents have a poor relationship with their children, just because they don't organise many playdates.

It’s not personal to you
I don’t have people Over as my house is minute and no room

Onwards

Ali I was talking about the friends staying close not your own children. The friends stay close to the family is what I meant. Apologise if it was misunderstood.

I don't see it as a swap of babysitting at all- I would rather just have my children home straight after school as I like their company. I work, I am tired, we have quite a small house, my husband doesn't get home from work until very late sometimes so rarely does playdates, we live in a hilly city and DD's friends are about a mile away so she's too young to go and knock for them, so all in all I would prefer not to but these are my preferences and I host them because my children are very sociable. My youngest started a new school in September and the teacher told us to try and sort some playdates to help with friendships. I have done this and it has really paid off as my DD is a very happy child again as at her previous school she didn't have many friends.

I find it mildly irritating with one Mum who was so eager to accept the invite but has not recipriocated. This wouldn't be so bad but I wish she hadn't offered my DD a return mythical play date when she picked up her DD from our house as it's unfair to get my child excited about something that's not going to happen. Equally, it makes me feel very paranoid that her DD didn't enjoy herself. This woman doesn't work, both her children are in full time education, she has date breakfasts with her husband every week (so has lots of time), her Mum is very active still as often picks up with her. I know there could be other reasons but nearly bit my hand off when o offered the playdate so she obviously doesn't mind them! I have lots going on with my Dad who needs alot of help at the moment, my job is demanding and I need to work alot at night on projects which is easier to do when I'm not hosting playdates but none of this is my DC's concern.

I dont think pursuing the engineering it is a good idea though OP, its still continuing to push your child in to someone elses home that might not want it.

Perhaps he may find another friend soon whos parents habits/wishes match yours regarding playing over.

@Noahsarks I’m also intrigued re no furniture. It sounds like a play date at your home would be great fun with space to play where one would normally have furniture. (If not having furniture isn’t by choice, there are plenty of places/websites that can provide the basics..)
Either way I wouldn’t not allow the DC to have a play date at a house with no furniture.

OP, I see your perspective but if you’re not happy with play dates not being reciprocated, then stop inviting said child and suggest play dates with children whose parents do reciprocate.

It's not a lifestyle choice

I hate the "must reciprocate" shit.

DD (9) struggles to play out because of her disability. She would be hard (or scary) to host for the same reason. If it weren't for her friends coming to mine, she would really miss out.

She would happily have friends round all the time and it wouldn't bother me. It's easier having her entertained with friends than mithering me for every tiny thing! I love all of her friends, they're brilliant.

But their parents don't let them come here as much as DD would like because they feel they are taking the piss. The girls come to the door, ask if she is coming out and when she can't, and asks them in, we get "mum said I've not to land myself on you again". Which means I have to call or text them and explain for the millionth time it really isn't a problem and can they please come in. She goes to her best friend's sometimes and that's fine but I don't need a 1 for 1 deal.

If you enjoy hosting, and your kids enjoy hosting, why the hell does it matter if others don't reciprocate.

And those who always say "ahhh but in YOUR situation it makes sense so it's ok" are missing the point. Putting any sort of "unwritten rule" on what people should or shouldn't be doing makes it difficult for everyone. Stop being so bothered about others, do what you and leave them to do it.

We’re very lucky where we are, there’s a good gang of them and we’re inclosed.
Even still though I’d think at 7 it would be less “play date” and more just DS having a friend over.
Play date implys imput from parents, to me.

I don’t like other people’s children. However I will return a play date roughly every 3-1 as otherwise I feel like I’m taking the piss so hey guilt works.

I’m reading it that they reciprocate the friendship and therefore for me it would be okay. They may not be proactively asking your DC but are happy to have your DC when you ask. They may just not be very active about sorting stuff like that out and / or it feels to them like their is a balance and they don’t notice really who does the sorting out. The play dates I’ve nudged my son out of gently as been those where I have hosted x and nothing has come back despite me knowing that x has had other children round to play. I’ve let it drift then - distracted by encouraging other things - because it has upset my son. If they though made an effort for the children to get together outside of school but just not via play dates at home I’d not worry at all.

I hate the "must reciprocate" shit.
well, it's just basic manners. Some of you call it "shit" but it's still basic manners.

You should be able to understand why other people are reluctant to abuse someone's hospitality.

The other problem with "must reciprocate" is, on rare occasions I need to ask a favour. I'd hate to think someone feels they have to say yes just because their child has been at mine a lot. Because of that I'm reluctant to ask.

You're doing what you can to bring your child up in a nice atmosphere. You can't force them to do the same

That's a horrible thing to say. DDs friends are being brought up in a nice atmosphere, their parents just don't reciprocate on play dates. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Everyone has their reasons for not hosting and it doesn't make them bad parents.

well, it's just basic manners. Some of you call it "shit" but it's still basic manners.

It really isn't. It's an outdated view of etiquette which doesn't fit the way we live today.

You should be able to understand why other people are reluctant to abuse someone's hospitality.

It's kids playing, not a ten course banquet or a weeks' holiday. If YOU feel you must reciprocate that's fine. Don't expect or be pissed off if others don't feel the same way.

I have never once thought that anyone was abusing my hospitality just because their children come to see my daughter.

When I say play date, I mean having s friend over for a few hours. In our area kids don't play out on the street, and they don't walk to each other's houses, until they are quite a bit older. Therefore, there needs to be some discussion with the parents. It's interesting how some posts in here mention being rude about inviting your child to someone else's house, but others say that at this age the kids should be sorting it out themselves (which I'm assuming means access to the house as well as playing in the street?).
I won't stop having the boy at my house as that is what makes DS happy and that is the most important thing to me. I'm not doing this for reciprocal childcare, I'm doing it for him. We're all different!

Yoga

That must be very nice: we’ve never lived anywhere where that was possible. We’ve moved around a fair bit and lived in a variety of set ups but never so close to friends as to make that safe. I suspect you’re in the minority these days, which is a shame. Most child to child contact, especially in their teens, seems to be over the airwaves now (which I have to confess was what I was originally thinking was what you meant about 5 year olds arranging their own play dates 😂 just shows how alien the concept of knocking for a friend has become I suppose).
I know what you mean about “play date”, coming round to play sounds far less stressful. Just another annoying Americanism.

I don't understand all the angst about playdates being reciprocated like it's some sort of tit for tat arrangement.
I'm on maternity leave at the moment so can easily host after-school playdates but many of DD's friends have parents who work full time. They can't host after-school playdates as they don't get home until 5.30/6pm and that's fine, I certainly don't expect them to take annual leave because my child is 'owed' a playdate! Those saying that you shouldn't allow your child to accept invitations if you can't reciprocate, why would you want a child to miss out just because their parents have to work? It's so mean spirited. As a previous poster said, FT WOH parents could potentially offer to reciprocate with a weekend invite but to be honest I'd rather they didn't as weekends are family time. DH barely sees our DC in the week so I'd rather they weren't at other people's houses at weekends, which are already busy with activities, birthday party, visiting family etc. If your DC enjoy having friends round and you don't mind hosting then why wouldn't you just be glad that you have the space and time to do so instead of casting judgement on others whose circumstances are different?

My DC love having play dates, I love it much less. We have a dog we have to keep out of the way, I worry about food and it being tidy enough. But I have play dates for my DC.
If it was only one way traffic with one family without any explanation given I would think that was really rude and after a few play dates would ask my DC to select different kids for the play dates.

It's an outdated view of etiquette which doesn't fit the way we live today

This. It's amazing how many MN'ers still seem to assume that there is always a parent around from school pick up time onwards to facilitate these things. That just isn't the reality for most of the families I know.

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery I did say in my original post excepting for lack of time, ill health and problems with the house / home. In the case I describe, we and the other family are on pretty even footing regarding space, time, responsibilities etc. I have the more rubbish house . If everyone stopped inviting kids over because their parents didn't invite them back in return, I would never have spent any of my childhood in other people's homes.