To be getting frustrated about play dates not being reciprocated?

[toomanykidsnotenoughme]

DS (7) has a friend he adores. They live just around the corner. We are on friendly terms with the family.

I invite the friend for play dates fairly regularly, as DS and his friend love spending time together. They are usually only organised on the day, though, not planned in advance.

DS really loves going to their house, because it's not his so it's interesting! But, he very very rarely gets invited. When he's been there, there haven't been any issues that I'm aware of, he's been well behaved, and hasn't broken anything. Sometimes I'll ask the parents to have him if I can't get to school on time, and if they're free they say yes.

But, they just hardly ever offer off they're own back. I want my kids to feel this house is always open for friends, as mine wasn't when I was a child and I hated it. I've got older kids for who play dates are shared out pretty evenly amongst the families so no problems there.
AIBU unreasonable to be a bit put out?
I know it's a personal decision, they have a very lovely house (mines rather "lived in ) and kids running round may not be your thing.
But, I'm interested to know that if you're not big on play dates, excepting ill health, lack of time and issues with your home, why do you feel that way? I'm just curious and it might make me more understanding and less frustrated!

I may suggest to one of my DC that they invite a friend over if another one already has a friend coming over. Then they don't bother each other and it's easier for me. Otherwise they are arranged amongst themselves. I do say no if I know I don't have enough food to feed a group, or of the house is looking particularly awful at that time

Oh, I've had this...

Only with a few parents but still it can be annoying. One DM I know her flat is tiny and she can't cope with mess if there's a playdate unless she's warned well in advance and can tidy etc but she's still not comfy with it.

Another DM - no idea why but she never invites my DD back for playdates and I've been there when DD is there so I know it isn't her behaviour. However, her house is perfect, expensive and she comes across as a bit snobby and it's not just me she's snubbed re playdate reciprocation!

My DM years ago when I was a toddler used to invite other mums over for playdates - sort of an unofficial Mum and Toddler Group (back in the days when these groups were rare apart from Busy Bee club and Playgroup) - apparently the mums would go off and leave the DC with her for hours - playdates or unofficial childcare? and though some reciprocated, some didn't.

I wouldn't do as my DM did though, just nuts!

This is such a helpful thread for me to read! I've recently
Moved back to my home
Country and find that parents here hardly ever return okay date invitations. We are currently living at my parents house and things are in no way tidy or simple but I guess I'm
Quite easy going and very anxious to make friends for my DC's here so invite lots of kids over but they hardly ever reciprocate. I've been quite upset and annoyed about it, and attributed it to the culture in this country, as my London mummy friends would always reciprocate. But from
Reading this thread I understand that many people have various reasons for not wanting/having the option to have people over, and that perhaps the situation is London was the unusual one, likely because there's so many people there that you end up only socialising with the Ones truly similar to you and very sociable, whereas in a smaller town your kids play w children from
V different backgrounds and whose parents may have different situations and social norms

There's a theme in a lot of adult scenarios it seems where we are all a bit entitled without realising.we think someone else is being impolite when its actually us!

I'm not saying you are rude, but maybe that sense of entitlement is in play leaving you feeling annoyed. (i have done this too! ) I would just work on being able to do something nice for your child and potentially theirs, without expecting anything at all in return. And without feeling miffed about it.

They don't owe you anything, it is your choice to do this, just enjoy it. I know no end of women who go nuclear if they give someone a present and they don't get one back. Its insane and really is something a lot dont even realise they are doing.

There are so so many reasons why people might not want to reciprocate

1. Jobs, busy lives, activities, hobbies
2. Might be introverted, shy or private people, enjoy their downtime as a family, evenings are to recouperate after a busy day

3.They are aware it can start up a potentially never ending back and forth of 'polite' 'returning the favour' some people then start expecting it in an entitled way, start pushing for more favours etc etc. They might have had a bad experience before.

1. Looking after ill family, are ill themselves or any number of things a neighbour wouldnt know about.

5.they don't like people in their home. 6.they dont like all other children. I know loads of people who love and like their own children but don't enjoy others 7.house isn't child friendly for other children, pets - scared cats, excitable dogs etc

1. They just dont want to.

None of which make them rude.

Al1cedowntherabbithole - I'm exactly the same with my DD and with her friends re planning for playdates, as I can potentially WFH 2 days a week so can arrange a playdate round that, but other times I'm running back from work, she's at childminder's or her DF (my DH) helps out as he WFH one day a week too.

Impromptu playdates I've told her - I simply can't do - unless it's with childminder dropping her off or with childminder's DC or other charges etc.

Londonmamabychance - I live in SE London though and not all mums here reciprocate by any stretch... some do, some don't.

It's basic good manners to return an invite, but I never invite expecting it to be reciprocal, so I don't feel miffed if my child doesn't get a return invite. I do agree though, that you should stop accepting invites if you never have the intention of ever returning them!

toomanykidsnotenoughme, I do think that you should stop inviting your child over to someone else's home. That's rude!

Londonmamabychance - I live on outskirts of SE London though - we have lots of different people to us and some are sociable and some not so sociable.

It does depend when people are around though - one DM friend of mine doesn't work Mondays to Wednesdays so she's around for playdates, the other days she works (apart from Sunday) so in theory she could do playdates but she's often returning from work. Neighbour DM next door is a SAHM so potentially has lots of time for her DCs (3) playdates. other neighbour DM - sometimes WFH but relies on childcare afterschool so has to slot in with that or her WFH days.

Starray - I've had toomanykidsnotenoughme situation where a child is invited over countless times by the parent and it was when I didn't feel I could say no (special friend of DD), and although the DM did reciprocate from time to time it was always her who was inviting over her perfectly nice DD to my house, but uninvited!

I had this too with my eldest child. Everyone seemed to come here for playdate but she never got invited back. It was werid. One mum used to drop off the invited girl AND her little sister and shoot off, saying, "you don't mind do you?! " This was so annoying as I actually had to watch them play because of the little one's age! This mum used to pick up an hour late too! Another mum used to keep suggesting a trip miles somewhere, instead of having mine back at her place. It turned out that mum has OCD with cleaning so didnt want extra children in her house. In the end I stopped inviting her friends over because its hard work and it wasn't being reciprocated. My children see their friends in school and play with each other nicely at home.

Maybe these people feel they do enough by babysitting your child when you can't get to school on time op. At least you get to chose when/if you have their son over.,unlike them. I'd be grateful for the free childcare if I were you.

There are so many reasons as have already been mentioned.

For me I can get quite self conscious of the state of the house as can be really messy. So I wouldn't invite a DS friend on spur of the moment if I the house was a state as I'd be embarrassed in case the child would report back that it smelt funny, we didn't do washing up, big granny pants were on the lounge radiator, the sofa had cat fluff all over etc...

However, for some DS friends if I've been to their house and is of a similar tidiness/ messy standard then I wouldn't worry!

I also work from home and sometimes I'm just too busy and while I'll let my own DS sit in front of TV after school while I work, I wouldn't attempt to concentrate on work while responsible for another child.

Also, some of DS friends who he'd really like to have over to play never can because they have after school clubs almost every day. The only way it works is to organise a weekend/ holiday play date way in advance and plan around it... So obviously that doesn't end up happening often!

Some people just don't like other people's kids in their house. I don't like taking responsibility for other people's kids, and I can't relax when they're in the house! Perhaps their house isn't very child safe or they have a dog who is funny with other people?

Do the parents work full time?
Maybe they want their evenings and weekends to be family only, or want to lounge around in their pjs. I enjoyed play dates more when I was part time as I had more time to clean up, chat to them at pick up etc.

Kids playing together are usually noisy and excitable, what are your son and friend like at your house? If his parents are trying to work from home or study or have a baby that might be why.

Does the friend value the friendship as much as your son? That could be another reason he's not inviting him back.

I think it's unreasonable to expect regular play dates or an open door policy, it's such a personal thing. Some families are just more private than others. The important thing is the boys enjoying playing, and you're happy to facilitate this at your house. Nobody should feel under obligation.

I bloody hate play dates! I have 4DC, single mother who works full time. If someone invites my Dc to theirs that’s THEIR choice, I don’t want to look after and entertain someone else kid, I’m friggin kanckered!

I don’t mind if the odd play date isn’t reciprocated, but I have a friend who i met through a baby group and has a same age dc as my eldest who is now is juniors and she hasn’t reciprocated in about 4 years now. She says her dc like to get out and about - er right, because mine love sitting at home whilst other children play with their toys .

This used to happen to us a lot and I became quite paranoid about it for a while. Couldn’t understand it because my kids were lovely (of course they were ). I’d worry we’d done something to offend them, but the next time we invited their child over, they would say yes please and later tell me what a lovely time they’d had, but again rarely a return invite.
I finally concluded that there wasn’t anything wrong, their lives were probably far busier than mine and I stopped wasting time worrying about it. If they continue to accept your invitations it’s unlikely to be a deliberate snub.

Does your DC have other friends he has playdate with? Does the other boy?

DD used to have a friend that invited her round lots (friend struggled with friendship issues and her mum knew that DD was one person she consistently go on with). We invited her back, of course, but she was one of many friends that we cycled through so it was no where like as frequently.

I'm stressed about this already and my son is only three. I'm a single parent in a tiny one bedroom flat and my son sleeps in my bed. There's nowhere for another child to come over and play. I don't drive either so would find taking another child on the bus very hard. Does this mean my son shouldn't go to another persons house?

There are some legitimate reasons; homelessness, disability/ special needs etc. Just not liking it, finding it ‘awkward’, having siblings and working are not really valid excuses not to reciprocate. We had a non reciprocated relationship b/w my daughter and a friend. It included the friend coming to ours for sleepovers/ meals/ play dates which were almost completely unreciprocated. In the end I choose to really cut down on play dates with this friend.

As a child our house was open to having friends around and it was nice not to have to worry about it. I remember lots of friends never really having friends over and always being at our house! You're doing what you can to bring your child up in a nice atmosphere. You can't force them to do the same. It would be a shame to close off your home to friends because it isn't reciprocal.

Our home has always been a revolving door everyone welcome. However, I appreciate it is not something everyone enjoys. I have never worried about parents who do not reciprocate, kept, pasta, baked beans, fish fingers, mini pizzas etc. in for unexpected little and then not so little guests as the years rolled on. I only banned one teenager not because he went mental pulled down curtains and got aggressive but because he refused to apologise after a party they had.

If it makes your children happy then that is all that matters imo.

YADNBU OP, and chances are that those who say you are, are the very ones who don't reciprocate either.
No bullshit excuses. It's rude to accept invitations, but never pay back.

@NutElla5x
@starray
As I have explained below, there have been maybe three occasions in three years where I've asked if they can look after my son for a short while after school as will not be able to get there on time. They have asked me the same favour the same amount of times. They were allowed do say no, they didn't. How is that free babysitting or rudely inviting my child over to their house?! Seriously, what do others do if they find themselves in this situation? Things happen, people help each other out. Isn't that normal?!

Apart from the comments about me being rude about asking the odd favour (which is also asked by them), this thread has been interesting and has given me food for though. For those that have asked, the friends DM is a SAHM, they have a 15yo who has no special needs and is a very lovely girl.

My dd is an only and so I have always encouraged her to invite people round for that reason. Our house is very small and a bit messy.
It isn't always reciprocated but I always think "Fuck 'em, if my dd wants people over to hang out or whatever, I'll go with that". One of her friends' mums is on her own without a car and not much spare cash at all. I try and tell the mum that I don't really care and it's all about them hanging out , building friendships and doing stuff together that counts.

Some very odd responses on here. If people can't get over having someone else's child in their house for a couple of hours, then how do they navigate life in general?