To be getting frustrated about play dates not being reciprocated?

[toomanykidsnotenoughme]

DS (7) has a friend he adores. They live just around the corner. We are on friendly terms with the family.

I invite the friend for play dates fairly regularly, as DS and his friend love spending time together. They are usually only organised on the day, though, not planned in advance.

DS really loves going to their house, because it's not his so it's interesting! But, he very very rarely gets invited. When he's been there, there haven't been any issues that I'm aware of, he's been well behaved, and hasn't broken anything. Sometimes I'll ask the parents to have him if I can't get to school on time, and if they're free they say yes.

But, they just hardly ever offer off they're own back. I want my kids to feel this house is always open for friends, as mine wasn't when I was a child and I hated it. I've got older kids for who play dates are shared out pretty evenly amongst the families so no problems there.
AIBU unreasonable to be a bit put out?
I know it's a personal decision, they have a very lovely house (mines rather "lived in ) and kids running round may not be your thing.
But, I'm interested to know that if you're not big on play dates, excepting ill health, lack of time and issues with your home, why do you feel that way? I'm just curious and it might make me more understanding and less frustrated!

I do have like a million things wrong with me, social anxiety being one of them. But also we havent long moved into our tiny flat. We havent long had adequate furniture. And, the kids are sharing the tiniest boxroom you ever saw. The lounge space is ok and we have lego, the dining table is good for getting crafts out on. But I feel so nervous with most people in my home and feel its probably not the best place to visit. I certainly dont know how we would manage a sleepover.

My DD never goes to her mates' house. They're both 10. I don't even consider why this is...it's just the way things are. I suspect her Mum finds it too much as she has three girls...and is a lone parent.

Limensoda
back in the real world, if you go to a pub and your friends/ colleagues pay for a round of drinks, you know that next round is your turn, don't you? Or are you one of these people who take everything for granted and never reciprocate?

Do you really think other parents actually enjoy playdates and looking after your little darlings?

I dont generally have people over. Be that play dates or adults

Many parents dont like our dog. He isnt aggressive at all, just big, like he has a good 20kg on most 8 yr olds. I cant and wont just shut him in a room as the room will be destroyed and the dog will be an anxious mess. He only goes outside with us due to shit fencing so cant just chuck him out the back.
We live rural and i dont drive so if they want their kid here they need to drop off and pick up, thats an hour round trip and many dont wanna do it and as dd catches the school bus its not just a simple pick up after school.
Im funny about people in my house, its my safe space, i cant relax with guests, even extended family

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty
nothing wrong in taking the kids to McDonalds once to thank for several playdates, or take the kids to a park with a picnic at some point. As long as it's not always one-sided, I am sure most people are happy with any effort.

Sleepovers are not mandatory!

Dunno whatever my circumstances I would feel uncomfortable personally if another family were regularly hosting my kid and I did fuck all in return.

the disorganised mum I think the rounds analogy is a good one. A social obligation is being conferred - if you accept, you're supposed to reciprocate usually, but it's also quite hard to turn down without looking like a miserable sod, which might be the reason I dislike both playdates and buying rounds - in both cases, once you're asked, there's social pressure to join in. When I used to go out for drinks with my colleagues at uni I remember that what we would do is the girls (three of us to eight blokes, it was a uni science research lab) would start their own round and leave the blokes to it so that rather than having to commit to staying through eleven (!) rounds to fulfill our social obligations, we could stop at three. I need to organise something like that with my kids and the friends/mums who'd be happy to meet up once every two months and call that a social life

We've always had an open house policy, as I'm another who had a mother who was more concerned about having a tidy house.

I have never had the children's friends over on the expectation that it would be reciprocated and I think it's really a shame that some children are stopped from going to play at their friends just because they're parents can't reciprocate for whatever reason.

I don't believe that it should be seen in the same way as hosting adults, as play dates have grown out of children simply calling for each other, which isn't always possible these days.

I have about an hour a day with my kids due to work. It’s a stress getting everything done hour. No way can other kids be there then it’s the bed and bath time
Weekends are precious, selfishly I don’t like sharing that time
We do meet up with friends with kids for walks etc but not for the kids to just have people over to play
I also struggle with mess and noise. Our house is never bloody tidy for more than 2 minutes but I keep the kids rooms lovely, and the running around and everything out sends me over.
Much better in summer when it’s a longer day and they can play out in garden for 20 min or so..:

My youngest DS was constantly asked for a playdate by friend, but I found reciprocating a nightmare.

The mum thought her angel boy was amazing, polite, and no trouble. At our house he got wild, ripped a door of its hinges, threw an entire box of lego down the stairs, refused to eat what I cooked...

Yet, if she's on MN she would vouch for her son being a lovely boy

Basically, most parents don't know their kids very well

And playdates to me were hell, as kids are so feral these days

I did them grudgingly, but was glad when that particular friendship ended!

Limensoda back in the real world, if you go to a pub and your friends/ colleagues pay for a round of drinks, you know that next round is your turn, don't you? Or are you one of these people who take everything for granted and never reciprocate?Do you really think other parents actually enjoy playdates and looking after your little darlings?

You can't compare the two! A night out is a group of people who have agreed to be together socially. Not done that in a long time but when I did, some would share bottles of wine and go halves and some bought their own (different) drinks.
Totally different scenario.
If other parents don't like playdates, don't do them! No one asks you to do it. It's a decision YOU make for your child. To keep your child happy you need other kids round apparently, ..but you decide that someone else must now join in an arrangement of your choice. You aren't doing it for me or even my child....It's for YOU.
I don't think I would have ever let my child play over at someone's house who sarcastically called them 'your little darlings'

I don't think I would have ever let my child play over at someone's house who sarcastically called them 'your little darlings'

something makes me think it's probably a good thing

something makes me think it's probably a good thing

Certainly for my child, yes

If other parents don't like playdates, don't do them! No one asks you to do it. It's a decision YOU make for your child. To keep your child happy you need other kids round apparently, ..but you decide that someone else must now join in an arrangement of your choice. You aren't doing it for me or even my child....It's for YOU.

This.

Let's face it - most people organise playdates as a method of keeping their own children happy and occupied. If you want to use my child as a way of entertaining your own, that's fine. But don't dress it up like you're doing me some sort of favour. My children were happy to entertain themselves and are the best of friends.

I dont think some people can fathom the concept of just offering an invite/a gesture/a gift (as much as once, or an endless amount of times) without expectations of something back. Its an alien concept to many!

As a pp said, why do you assume everyone thinks and feels the same as you? If it does upset you, then dont ever offer in the first place, or approach it by saying 'i would like to invite your son to playon the proviso that at some point in the future you invite him to yours.'

Its all about your own ego being hurt. Unless you do the above, you havent entered a contract, you are supposedly (!) doing something nice for your child. You're just making it about you and how youre offended that someone could dare not reciprocate!

even though as a pp said, you would probably find them to be equally 'rude and impolite' if they declined your offer and every time you asked (if they decided they didn't want to due to knowing they couldn't /didnt want to get into some kind of reciprocal arrangement) it would then be that 'xyz mum will never let our kids play together, whats wrong with MY little daaaaarling' again, all about peoples egos and feeling slighted.

People actually cant win whatever they choose.

Its not the same as a one sided adult relationship, because it is just an adult facilitating their childs play time, ITS NOT A MEASURE OR REFLECTION OF THEIR FRIENDSHIP ITSELF!

Its so weird to me that those maintaing that you are so 'polite' but you also have zero concern or willingness to consider other peoples situations or their own beleifs on the matter. You dash reasons important to some as pathetic or not good enough. Yeah, youre so polite and lovely.

Assuming because someone doesn't hold on to the same beleif that not reciprocating a childs playdate makes them some kind of rude, abhorrent entity on every aspect of life is ridiculous.

*8. They just dont want to.

None of which make them rude.*

Oh come on. Just not wanting to does make them rude.

Gosh what a lying impassioned post! Don’t give it much thought but it is abit off if your kid repeatedly plays at a pals house and you never have that child over yourself or facilitate the friendship at all. I would feel bad about it myself - but if you don’t crack on

well, it's just basic manners. Some of you call it "shit" but it's still basic manners.

"It really isn't. It's an outdated view of etiquette which doesn't fit the way we live today."

It's called "give and take". There are so many posts on MN about being the only one who hosts dinner parties, being the person who gives thoughtful gifts to people who never even send a card in return, offering to make a cup of tea and never having the favour returned etc. This is just another example of the selfishness of some people.

Obviously excluding real reasons for not reciprocating. "Not wanting to go to the trouble" is not a real reason.

Funnily enough have 2 of dds friends here now as their parents at a school event with their other kids we not involved in - both mums just texted to thank me for having their dds and suggesting dates dd goes to theirs for tea

I'm surprised so many people consider it such a chore to host other kids. I love it - the kids all play together and so no-one looks to me to be entertained! And I can get to know the friends a little more. Win-win.

(Although as I often feel when I read MN posts, I do wonder how so many people function with the level of anxiety they seem to have about interaction with other people. The whole "I want to keep the world out of my space" is a bit beyond me, to be honest.)

I do wonder how so many people function with the level of anxiety they seem to have about interaction with other people. The whole "I want to keep the world out of my space" is a bit beyond me, to be honest.)

Those people probably feel the same about people who are like you.
We're all different.

Never mind the bad manners (which it clearly is) the children themselves pick up on not being invited back and are disappointed - I couldn’t be doing with someone who didn’t ever want my dcs back, without a good reason.
I don’t find play dates keep my dc occupied, they keep me occupied! Least other parent can do is return the favour.

I think it is selfish and people should reciprocate- even if not at home then take the other dc out with yours instead.

Wouldn't bother me one iota if I had people's kids back all the time and it was never reciprocated. I don't invite people over because I want an invite back.

I spend at least an hour, probably more cleaning before anyone comes round. Even DC's friends.
Because the parents might come to pick up and I want the house to look lovely and clean. I cleaned all morning yesterday because someone was coming round to give us a quote for painting the bedrooms! It's a bit mad but I feel very uncomfortable if anything is out of place and others might see.

I don't like surprise visitors / last min arrangements at all!! Though I always reciprocate invites if I can. Sometimes instead of our house I offer to take DCs friends with us to the park & cafe and then return them.