Would IBU to tell her to F*** Off!!

[lowkey21]

After a difficult few years of TTC I am over the moon that I am now 12 weeks pregnant.

Me and DP have been together for 11 years and been TTC for the past 3 years. He has one son from a previous relationship who is 12 years old.

After my scan on Thursday and everything is looking good we decided to inform our parents of the good news. We asked them to keep it to themselves until after the weekend when DSS was over and we could tell him the news.

All went well with DSS at the weekend, he seemed excited and even said to us "in a couple of years when the baby isn't tiny and I'm a bit older I will babysit if you give me money for it" 😂
He also asked when the baby would be born and I told him the due date and he pointed out that it was 3 days after his birthday. I said "yes let's hope it's not on your birthday" he said "no I don't want to share my birthday" but it was all very lighthearted and he didn't seem upset or angry about this.

So... this morning DSS has gone home. He was home for about 20 minutes when I got a text from DSS's mum saying

"What the actual fuck?? Are you two for real? Have you done this on purpose or something? It feels like you've planned the due date to be on (SS) birthday"

She doesn't know anything about mine and DPs relationship or how long we have been TTC but I am still really upset and angry by her message and why she would think I would 'plan' a baby to be born on his birthday FFS.

I know I know... I'd still be unreasonable to reply "F** off" but I really want to!

Absolutely. But responding in a similar fashion is unlikely to improve the situation.

She sounds crazy

Thank you for all of the replies. I have been at work and so just catching up.

I decided not to reply to her after talking to DP he said he would send a message back to her, she sent him a very similar message.

No we didn't tell her. We told both sets of parents first and then we told DSS, because he is going to be a big brother and as we have him almost 50% of the time he is going to be massively important in his little brother or sisters life. I do find it difficult to believe he expressed different feelings to his mum than he did with us but DP plays in a father and son pool match with him on Monday evenings so is going to have a chat with him later and see if he has any questions/concerns

DP and DSS's mum were never a couple. DSS was the result of a one night stand.

When DSS was around 4 years old he kept mentioning that he wanted a brother or sister as many of his friends did. At the time we were not yet ready or considering a child with each other and so just smiled and said one day maybe.

A few days later he came round and said "it's ok mummy is going to get me a brother or sister soon" bless him. She was in a relationship at the time but they split up not long after and I don't think there has been anyone serious since. So it is possible that it never happened for her and she is jealous or upset by that.

I was upset this morning after what she sent me. I won't now until I speak to DP later about what he replied, further convo but I did calm down by the time I spoke to him and did tell him not to get into an argument with her.

Text arguments are really so futile.

Take the higher ground, and do as you're doing. Hope you're ok.

Just seen above that you are not planning to tell her to fuck off after all. Shame, she needs telling!

I'd also say, along with the FO something like... "On what planet do people managed to actually pre-plan the birth of a baby to the actual day? Are you on glue?" She needs putting in her place now or she'll be a nightmare once the baby is born.

From your update that to me even more implies that your DSS is more upset about this than he's letting on and his mum is cross with how you've handled it, rightly or wrongly.

DP had a chat with DSS last night who has said that he has no concerns or questions and is really excited.

He did though mention that the first thing he wanted to do when he got to his mums was run in and tell her the good news and that the baby will be here 3 days after his birthday.

He said his mum replied, "oh that's nice but it could take your birthday" DSS said, "I know I don't want the baby to come on my birthday"

So DP did have a chat about DSS about this and said he was fine with it all.

DP's reply to her yesterday was

'Don't be silly. We have been trying for this much wanted baby a long time and certainly didn't plan the birth date' she didn't reply.

Well, that's good. I'm glad your DP sent a firm response and I do think it's good that it was from him, not you.

Your DSS sounds like a lovely kid

What a batshit crazy twat she is!

Does she not realise that sometimes siblings have their birthdays close to each other or even have the same birthday? 😂 I have two who have a birthday 5 days apart.

Congratulations on your pregnancy op. Please don’t let her stress you out. I think she’s fucking disgusting trying to stress you out on purpose.

I suggest you tell your step sons mum that it wasn't a planned pregnancy

But why should she say that?? Her pregnancy is far from unplanned if they have been TTC for three years. By saying it was unplanned, it just minimises the long, probably emotional draining wait the op has been through. It’s a much wanted, long awaited for baby and the OP has every right to tell everyone the baby was planned.

I doubt they wanted to skip a month just in case the birth date coincides with the existing child’s birthday! That could have been the month they finally conceived a viable pregnancy. Turns out it was the month!

That's a great response from your dh.

You shouldn't need to tell her whether it was planned or unplanned. It's literally none of her business either way.

@funinthesun19

I must have missed that post 😳 thank you.
No I most definitely will not be telling anyone it was unplanned.

Thank you for all of the congratulations!
All of our family and close friends know now and are all very pleased for us.

@DarlingNikita

Yes DSS is a lovely boy! ❤️

Congratulations OP.

I’m glad you didn’t reply and let your dh sort it. I’m sure she’s prob worried about her being left out, and also her arrangement with you both might change and that might factor also.

Nothing will change with DSS's contact. He will still be with us the same days and amount of time that he does now, still have his bedroom and his dad will still do the two activities a week with him that he does at the moment. DP reassured DSS of this last night also.

Love mummaminni response what a classy way to deal with it x ps wishing you much joy with the arrival of you’re new baby you must be thrilled x

I do know people who've planned their kids to have birthdays in the same week. I'd be struggling not to say well you know DP, he only wants sex once a year... lol.

@lowkey21 I feel your pain. My DSS mother is a bitch from hell too. She fell pregnant with her youngest just because I was pregnant! She openly admitted it and she'd only had her last baby 8 weeks before 😂. No advice but big hugs and congratulations. Some women are just batshit crazy!!

Maybe just send her a link to menstruation and conception. Educate her on why you don’t choose a due date

🎉congratulations!🌷

It sounds like you usually have a good relationship with her and she’s appreciative that you’re lovely with DS, she even thanked you for discussing a private issue with him, she didn’t say it wasn’t your place or anything.

Therefore, I wouldn’t do anything to upset that. She’s clearly just taken the news a bit hard herself, or maybe after thinking about it a bit DSS was a bit upset/miffed/worried about the baby changing things or his birthday not being as important or whatever.

Obviously your DH & her have been separated for a long time, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that him having a baby with you won’t hurt & take her back to when it was him & her & wishing things had ended differently. Or whatever.

She’s lashed out unfairly, but hey, who hasn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can well afford to be the nicer person here.

I’d write something like...

‘Hey, of course not - I’m sorry that thought even entered your head. These things happen when they happen and usually not exactly the time you’d choose! DSS seemed fine with it when he was here, I hope he’s still ok now, you too. DS’s birthday plans with us won’t change, or his time here & activities with his Dad etc. Take care. OP.

Please don’t mention trying for a baby or DS having a baby brother or sister. It’s just rubbing salt in a wound. It’s unkind.

You or DH shouldn’t have left DS to tell her, one of you should have spoken to her about your pregnancy, because their child is about to have a sibling, that affects both of them. DSS is about to have a major life changing event, this isn’t just about you & DH and DSS when he’s with you, it wasn’t fair on either of them for you not tell her.

Don't send a nasty or sarcastic reply

Do think about how DH is going to manage his relationship with his DS - who is at a tricky age, where they seem quite grown up one minute but little kids the next

DH dropped the ball by not giving the ex a head's up in advance of hearing it from DSS - he needs to acknowledge this to her

He said his mum replied, "oh that's nice but it could take your birthday

How the hell do you “take” someone’s birthday?? Do you snatch it while they’re not looking?

I’m glad your DP handled this OP, I think it was right for him to be the one to reply. And he handled it well. Be curious to see what she says after that.

Congratulations!!

Sorry. I somehow missed a bunch of your posts in the middle. No idea how 🤷🏻‍♀️

My basic post remains the same though. You have a good relationship with her, there’s a lot to be said for that and I’d treat her like any family member or friend. A bit of eyerolling & diplomacy when possible and a gentle setting straight, if & when necessary.

@IncrediblySadToo not to worry, we all do that at times

When you say not to mention DSS having a baby brother or sister, why not? I'm just curious as to what you mean by this because I think we will very much want DSS to know that this baby will be his baby sister/brother. We don't like the idea of using the word 'half' and would be exactly the same if his mum was to have another child with somebody else too.