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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would IBU to tell her to F*** Off!!

173 replies

lowkey21 · 04/03/2019 08:48

After a difficult few years of TTC I am over the moon that I am now 12 weeks pregnant.

Me and DP have been together for 11 years and been TTC for the past 3 years. He has one son from a previous relationship who is 12 years old.

After my scan on Thursday and everything is looking good Grin we decided to inform our parents of the good news. We asked them to keep it to themselves until after the weekend when DSS was over and we could tell him the news.

All went well with DSS at the weekend, he seemed excited and even said to us "in a couple of years when the baby isn't tiny and I'm a bit older I will babysit if you give me money for it" 😂
He also asked when the baby would be born and I told him the due date and he pointed out that it was 3 days after his birthday. I said "yes let's hope it's not on your birthday" he said "no I don't want to share my birthday" but it was all very lighthearted and he didn't seem upset or angry about this.

So... this morning DSS has gone home. He was home for about 20 minutes when I got a text from DSS's mum saying

"What the actual fuck?? Are you two for real? Have you done this on purpose or something? It feels like you've planned the due date to be on (SS) birthday"

She doesn't know anything about mine and DPs relationship or how long we have been TTC but I am still really upset and angry by her message and why she would think I would 'plan' a baby to be born on his birthday FFS.

I know I know... I'd still be unreasonable to reply "F** off" but I really want to!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/03/2019 09:25

Yeah she's a total twat.
I wouldn't even respond, tbh - it's not worth it.

RiverTam · 04/03/2019 09:27

Obviously she shouldn't have texted like that but is it possible that your DSS has expressed some upset about this to his mum, that he wouldn't feel comfortable saying to you and his dad? Maybe he is really upset that his birthday will now be overshadowed by the new baby's.

IDoN0tCare · 04/03/2019 09:30

I would actually make out that I think she’s being funny, in order to keep the peace. It’s possible your SS did get a little upset or concerned about the prospect of having to share his birthday, when he thought more about it. You don’t want this wonderful news to damage family relations.

‘You’re so funny. 😆 SS and I were joking about that possibility too. I really hope they don’t share birthdays, as your boy and my baby deserve their own special days. Talk again.’

Congratulations OP.

ilikemethewayiam · 04/03/2019 09:33

I wouldn’t respond! You need to keep a reasonably good relationship with her for the sake of your DSS. If she persists with the nonsense let your DP deal with it. She’s his problem, not yours.

GunpowderGelatine · 04/03/2019 09:33

I would be SO tempted to tell her to fuck off - but for the sake of your stepson, who it sounds like you have an awesome relationship with (love the cheeky comment about babysitting Grin) I wouldn't even dignify that with a response.

Congratulations BTW Thanks

LightDrizzle · 04/03/2019 09:34

I’d leave it. It was a ridiculous and offensive text from her but because it’s so ridiculous, if you don’t respond, she’ll ruminate and wince.
Any fule no you can’t order babies like that and why on earth would you if you could?
It’s jealousy, and anxiety about her boy finding your house family much more exciting with a baby sibling on the picture. The latter is understandable so I’d be the bigger person in this instance.

Whether she’s unreasonable or not, all your lives are so much easier with a broadly civil relationship between you. She clearly manages it at times but has cracked here.

christinarossetti19 · 04/03/2019 09:34

Killing her with kindness is the way to go.

And in all honesty, your dh should have told his son's mother that you were pregnant before you told him. It's not really fair to expect a child to break that kind of news to his mum.

She's probably feeling excluded, shocked and 'what else haven't they/your dh told me?'

christinarossetti19 · 04/03/2019 09:36

But many congratulations OP! You must be over the moon after so long ttc.

diddl · 04/03/2019 09:37

I wouldn't respond.

Even if their bdays are the same-it'll be workable.

AuntieCJ · 04/03/2019 09:40

I agree with those who say ignore. She'll realise how stupid she has been if you don't respond.

Rumbletum2 · 04/03/2019 09:43

“Break the news”??

OPs DH has been split with the ex for 12 YEARS!!

StoppinBy · 04/03/2019 09:44

My PIL have three things that they do every year and have for a very long time... My niece was born on one of the weekend, my DD born a year after that on the same weekend (3 days before my Nieces birthday and then our DS was born on the date of one of the other things they do, lol, couldn't have worked out much worse for birthday party planning.

I would just ignore her, not even justify her with a reply.

StormTreader · 04/03/2019 09:46

"Well you know how it is, there's nothing hotter than trying to be shagging on the same day you and Husband were all those years ago" Confused

Ribbonsonabox · 04/03/2019 09:48

Yes I'd write back 'is this a joke??'
I really feel for you.
With my first he was unplanned... and it turned out my due date was exactly the same day as my close friend... who had not even told me she was pregnant at the time I discovered I was pregnant...
But when we both announced it I got a string of abuse via text from a mutual friend accusing me of not wanting my pregnant friend to 'get one over on me' and of 'copying her'.... wtaf?!?! Some people are unhinged. (I have no contact with this person now btw and my pregnant friend and I are still friends and our sons are very close)

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Flowers

GunpowderGelatine · 04/03/2019 09:49

And in all honesty, your dh should have told his son's mother that you were pregnant before you told him. It's not really fair to expect a child to break that kind of news to his mum.

Am I the only one who thinks that its not normal or healthy to inform your ex of every last development in your life once you've moved on? The boy is 12, not 2!

Ninkaninus · 04/03/2019 09:49

She doesn’t know about the difficulties you’ve had TTC. For that reason I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

I had a very strong reaction when I found out that my children were going to have a step-sibling. I had to accept that everything was going to change for them - in positive ways too, for sure, but up until that time even though we were no longer together, my children had still always been the primary focus of their father. That was going to change, quite rightly, and I suppose I felt protective of my children, momentarily, and worried that suddenly it might not all be so easy and comfortable and straightforward between us all. In your case, because you’ve been a lovely step-mum, she may even be unconsciously worried that your feelings for her son will change. You’ll have your own child now.

Emotions are weird things.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 04/03/2019 09:50

You don’t owe her anything. She’s nothing to do with this baby. Just ignore her - her opinion isn’t relevant.
Congratulations! Flowers

Ninkaninus · 04/03/2019 09:51

I agree that he or you should have told her directly, actually.

notanothernam · 04/03/2019 09:52

While you have every right to send a rude and defensive message back I would probably say something like "it's not ideal baby is due around the same time, we have been trying for a baby for 3 years and are just thrilled it's finally happened, we have no control when baby arrives" because once she knows how long you've been trying (id even egg on the difficult journey) it'll put her back in her box and make her feel bad. She of course is being totally unreasonable, but I suppose to play devils advocate just for a second she's probably reacted very quickly with her first thought being her son, hopefully she will come back down and realise how irrational she is being.

kareth2025 · 04/03/2019 09:55

Name changed for this in case any of the involved parties for my anecdote are reading this.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably respond by explaining that it had taken some time to get to this stage and that obviously I never had any intention of causing upset. (Not saying you should have to do this though and YANBU to want to send a snarky message back.)

My ex SIL once posted a snarky fb message thanking 2 of her nieces for being not being born around Christmas. The implication of that being that it was the fault of her other niece (DD) and her 2 nephews (DS and DN) for having the audacity to be born around Christmas and causing her to have an expensive month. I replied more than a little sarcastically that I was sure they were sorry and that they probably hadn't done it deliberately Grin. Probably not the best idea in hindsight, however I was more than a little bit peeved at the time as it had taken me 2 and a half years to conceive DS and 8 months to conceive DD so any suggestion that had conceived then deliberately to annoy her was both annoying and laughable. It didn't help that she has PCOS and to date remains childless despite being desperate for a baby herself, so you'd have thought she would understand how you can't plan these things. (Sorry for the derail, rant over!)

Happyandglorious · 04/03/2019 09:55

I would enjoy myself mentally composing the nastiest most vicious and cutting response... but send something light and along the lines of what idonotcare suggested.
If nastiness continues. Turn over all contact to your partner.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2019 09:56

I'd just respond and say "lol, for a moment I thought you were serious 🤣"

And leave it there.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 04/03/2019 09:56

^ this. I think making her feel bad is the way to go.

LotsToThinkOf · 04/03/2019 09:56

Don't explain - text back "no because that would be weird" and then ignore until she's given her head a shake. If she's not someone you'd tell about your fertility struggle then why on earth should you have to tell her just because she's decided she has an issue with the due date? Don't explain yourself to this weirdo.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 04/03/2019 09:57

Sorry my ^ is to the one explaining about the baby being much wanted and having to wait a long time for it, and not a malicious conception!

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