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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would IBU to tell her to F*** Off!!

173 replies

lowkey21 · 04/03/2019 08:48

After a difficult few years of TTC I am over the moon that I am now 12 weeks pregnant.

Me and DP have been together for 11 years and been TTC for the past 3 years. He has one son from a previous relationship who is 12 years old.

After my scan on Thursday and everything is looking good Grin we decided to inform our parents of the good news. We asked them to keep it to themselves until after the weekend when DSS was over and we could tell him the news.

All went well with DSS at the weekend, he seemed excited and even said to us "in a couple of years when the baby isn't tiny and I'm a bit older I will babysit if you give me money for it" 😂
He also asked when the baby would be born and I told him the due date and he pointed out that it was 3 days after his birthday. I said "yes let's hope it's not on your birthday" he said "no I don't want to share my birthday" but it was all very lighthearted and he didn't seem upset or angry about this.

So... this morning DSS has gone home. He was home for about 20 minutes when I got a text from DSS's mum saying

"What the actual fuck?? Are you two for real? Have you done this on purpose or something? It feels like you've planned the due date to be on (SS) birthday"

She doesn't know anything about mine and DPs relationship or how long we have been TTC but I am still really upset and angry by her message and why she would think I would 'plan' a baby to be born on his birthday FFS.

I know I know... I'd still be unreasonable to reply "F** off" but I really want to!

OP posts:
outpinked · 04/03/2019 09:58

Congratulations Flowers.

She sounds a bit batshit and also jealous. I would completely ignore it.

christinarossetti19 · 04/03/2019 10:01

It doesn't matter how long op's dh and his ex-partner have been separated.

They're both still parents of the 12 year old child, and clearly the lines of communication are open.

A step-sibling on the way is big news. It's hardly 'every last development in your life' is it?

Bibijayne · 04/03/2019 10:04

My DH and I specifically put off TTC so that we wouldn't clash with my BIL's wedding. Though atthe time we both thought it unlikely that we'd conceive first time.

So, we did. And the DS turned up just over 3 weeks early... 2 days before my BIL's wedding.

I missed it, but my DH drove down and back on the same day. BIL and his wife thought it was hilarious when I confessed we'd waited to avoid their big day. Babies do their own thing. Planning and good intentions be damned.

earlyrisingcat · 04/03/2019 10:06

Wow, what a silly, childish little woman.

Ignore her.

FriarTuck · 04/03/2019 10:07

I would probably say something like "it's not ideal baby is due around the same time, we have been trying for a baby for 3 years and are just thrilled it's finally happened, we have no control when baby arrives"
This ^^. Be nice about it. Pissing her off isn't going to help anyone, least of all DSS and he's likely going to be feeling a bit left out when the baby arrives. Personally I'd also apologise for not having given her the heads up directly since it's a major thing in DSS's life. You don't owe her an apology but it would acknowledge that you all have important parts in his life and need to work together and not against each other.

kareth2025 · 04/03/2019 10:08

Sorry, meant to add to my post above that I would have felt comfortable explaining this to people in the interests of diplomacy (in fact, I wasn't even allowed to tell ex SIL about either of my pregnancies because ex MIL thought it might upset her and so insisted on telling her herself Hmm. But it's completely understandable that you and other people may feel differently about talking to people about your sex life and TTC.

LazyLizzy · 04/03/2019 10:08

Just ignore.

As for people saying you should have told her yourselves, what the actual fuck?!

He is 12 years old, well old enough to be the one to tell his mum.

He would have been excited to tell people by the sounds of it, and she goes and pisses on his chips.

Did the Ex think other people don't have babies, just her?

My DC have twice came home announcing a sibling, full of excitement. I have been just as excited for them. The Ex after all those years is just like an aquaintance, no weirdness at all.

earlyrisingcat · 04/03/2019 10:09

I’d reply yes, we planned it to be on his actual birthday as a present for him, but I’m sure he won’t mind changing his birthday if the baby comes a bit early, you loon.

This is ace. ^ Send this! Grin

christinarossetti19 · 04/03/2019 10:10

I don't think the issue is the timing of the due date, although having been ttc for three years, any suggestion that you could control/predict conception certainly stings!

It's more that the boy's father should have told the boy's mother that him and OP are expecting a baby, so that it wasn't sprung on her by her 12 year old son.

FriarTuck · 04/03/2019 10:11

He is 12 years old, well old enough to be the one to tell his mum.
Or he could be a 12 year old who is worried about being supplanted in his dad's affections and bottles it up, not telling his mum. Why not err on the side of caution and be the better person?

RiverTam · 04/03/2019 10:11

I completely agree with Friar and think some of the responses on here are pretty unpleasant and are ignoring the fact that there's a 12 year old child in the middle of all this.

TriciaH87 · 04/03/2019 10:11

Point out that unless you only tried to concieve in the 2 months after his birthday how can you guarantee not. I pray all goes well but tell her if you fell pregnant just before what if you miss carried on his birthday or if you were 6 months gone on his birthday and baby was premature or due a month after and baby was a few weeks early or if you were due a couple weeks before and baby was late. You cannot predict the date your child will come. My eldest was due on the 11th of november and i am no longer with his dad but if his dad new our son was born on the birthday of my previous ex he would be fuming. He was 10 days late and born on a different exs birthday. One i almost got back with after we split up now when i went into labour on the 20th i hoped he hurried up but nope he waited until 23.40 on the 21st to arrive. 20 minutes later and he would not share my exs birthday but you cannot predict the birth. Tell her that a baby can come early or late so the chance of happening on his biryhday is unlikely but if it happens tough

IWantChocolates · 04/03/2019 10:12

I had DS at Christmas. Is a busy month, with half my immediate family having December birthdays. DH and I had tried years to conceive and had a miscarriage of what would have been a June baby. My brother, on finding out the due date for this pregnancy was December, said "Not another December birthday. Could you not have aimed for a different month?" I was so upset and didn't even manage to say that had I not miscarried it would have been June. Some people are so ridiculous.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I agree it sounds as though she's jealous. Enjoy the time and don't worry about her, she'll realise what she's said, as she sounds nice enough sometimes. It was probably a knee-jerk reaction.

HennyPennyHorror · 04/03/2019 10:15

Did she only find out because her son told her? Or had you informed her first so she'd not have a shock when he got home?

HennyPennyHorror · 04/03/2019 10:17

His age is irrelevant. He should not have been left to tell his Mother simply because many exes have an emotional reaction to their ex partner having a new baby.

It's not unreasonable to feel emotional in that situation I'm sure. You should have told her yourself or rather your DP should have.

downcasteyes · 04/03/2019 10:18

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I agree with FriarTuck - this is her problem, not yours. Enjoy your moment, and remember - other people can only piss on it if you let them. Treasure it!

Drum2018 · 04/03/2019 10:25

I'd ignore the text. Replying to it acknowledges her bullshit and I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

Bluetrews25 · 04/03/2019 10:27

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP and hope all goes well for you.
Grin @LightDrizzle channelling Molesworth there, I spotted you!.

BIWI · 04/03/2019 10:28

Rise above it. Don't reply. But I'd get your DP to have a quiet word with her, to tell her how long you've been TTC. If she's otherwise nice, as you say she is, that will make her feel bad.

But agree with other PP - you really should have told her before you told DSS.

Missingstreetlife · 04/03/2019 10:32

She's having a wobble. Dc may have concerns he didn't express to you and she is dealing with. Ignore it, preserve good relations.

WinnieFosterTether · 04/03/2019 10:32

I'd probably reply 'We're hoping baby doesn't come on the same day. Definitely don't want to overshadow DS' birthday.'
It strikes me that your DSS is 12 and you've been with your partner for 11 years so he must have left when DSS was a baby. Perhaps the thought of how different it will be for your baby (living with their father) has upset her on DS' behalf.

thinking54 · 04/03/2019 10:35

I've got a post going about my dh's ex at the moment. Some are just like this unfortunately. As others have said, just carry on. Don't let her bring you down. She's just bitter.

When we informed dh's ex about the date of our wedding (which was literally a year in advance) she told us 'I had plans with dsd that day' 😂😂😂😂

DarlingNikita · 04/03/2019 10:39

Congrats, OP!

I personally don't think that text deserves a response.

Mitzimaybe · 04/03/2019 10:49

To give her the benefit of the doubt, I would think that maybe your DSS reflected on it on the way home and he is worried about it and presented it to his mother that way. She is just looking out for her son's feelings and sent a text before thinking it through.

I'd probably ignore her but make sure to reassure DSS about it when you next see him.

DowntonCrabby · 04/03/2019 10:51

Congratulations

Please just ignore it though.

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