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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would IBU to tell her to F*** Off!!

173 replies

lowkey21 · 04/03/2019 08:48

After a difficult few years of TTC I am over the moon that I am now 12 weeks pregnant.

Me and DP have been together for 11 years and been TTC for the past 3 years. He has one son from a previous relationship who is 12 years old.

After my scan on Thursday and everything is looking good Grin we decided to inform our parents of the good news. We asked them to keep it to themselves until after the weekend when DSS was over and we could tell him the news.

All went well with DSS at the weekend, he seemed excited and even said to us "in a couple of years when the baby isn't tiny and I'm a bit older I will babysit if you give me money for it" 😂
He also asked when the baby would be born and I told him the due date and he pointed out that it was 3 days after his birthday. I said "yes let's hope it's not on your birthday" he said "no I don't want to share my birthday" but it was all very lighthearted and he didn't seem upset or angry about this.

So... this morning DSS has gone home. He was home for about 20 minutes when I got a text from DSS's mum saying

"What the actual fuck?? Are you two for real? Have you done this on purpose or something? It feels like you've planned the due date to be on (SS) birthday"

She doesn't know anything about mine and DPs relationship or how long we have been TTC but I am still really upset and angry by her message and why she would think I would 'plan' a baby to be born on his birthday FFS.

I know I know... I'd still be unreasonable to reply "F** off" but I really want to!

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 04/03/2019 13:01

Mummy, I don't think I did miss your point. I don't disagree that the woman is all over the place emotionally. But I don't anywhere suggest 'provoking that kind of reaction for the sake of a 12 yo child' –my suggestion is to not respond at all and so not fuel her weird paranoid thoughts.

PIVOTT · 04/03/2019 13:39

She could think that you planned the due date to be on your step sons birthday to make the day all about (or more about) your child and not so much about hers

Sorry but who logically jumps to that as their first assumption?! It's such a bizarre way of looking at the whole thing. Especially in a scenario where OP and the ex seem to get along okay.

Also, I wouldn't feel obliged to tell her how long you've been trying etc... If you don't want to. Perhaps you should have mentioned it to her directly but the ins and outs of your life and the struggles you've had TTC are really none of her business. I wouldn't feel pressured into explaining myself to her.

I'm going through struggles TTC and the last person I'd want to be telling all about it is DHs ex!

FriarTuck · 04/03/2019 13:41

I also think this smacks of jealousy.
To me it sounds like a mother whose son has come home from his dad's a bit upset at the thought of there being a new child living there full-time, and whose birthday will be at the same time as his - a double whammy. She, not unreasonably, is feeling protective of her son and pissed off at ex & OP for upsetting him, particularly as they couldn't be bothered to give her a heads up.

DarlingNikita · 04/03/2019 14:10

Sorry but who logically jumps to that as their first assumption?! It's such a bizarre way of looking at the whole thing. Totally agree!

Also, I wouldn't feel obliged to tell her how long you've been trying etc Again, agree! Nothing the fuck to do with her.

dottypotter · 04/03/2019 14:12

what does it matter even if its born on his birthday plenty of people share the same birthday. Sounds like someone just trying to be nasty by texting i would ignore.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2019 14:15

I also think on reflection there is a huge chance this is about how the son presented it to his mother. It might indicate although the op and her husband were all excited and thought it was light hearted, thr son was hiding his true feelings and this is what he has went and told his mother.

I'd likely go gently in case this isn't just about her, it's about the step son too. Did you at any point joke you'd planned it this way to the boy? I think there is a big chance the boy is not as happy about it as you think. The fact it was only twenty mins from him getting home means he told his mum immediately.

Her reaction isn't good, but much depends on what her son said to her.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 04/03/2019 14:17

Personally I would not be replying, silence is golden.

RiverTam · 04/03/2019 14:24

Bluntness I would say that that was clear from the original post.

NWQM · 04/03/2019 14:32

Aw congratulations OP. Sorry to hear that the shine of your news has been tainted by his. To be honest most people have a story of someone who said or did the wrong hing but this is very batshit.

If texting between the two of you isn’t uncommon I’d agree to kill her with kindness and just say ‘due date is x but even though not his birthday I’m surprised by your reaction. Y was excited when we told him.’ I’d avoid any reference to expense or anything as this is likely to be playing into her fears. Keep it factual and as unemotive as you can. Swear at the phone not through it.

If it’s unusual for you to text then I’d actually get your DH to respond and nip it in the bud.

Topseyt · 04/03/2019 14:43

Probably best not to respond, tempting though it is to send a snarky text back.

Remember that DSS is somewhere in the middle here. See how he seems the next time you see him.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/03/2019 14:47

Tell her to get a grip and grow up Flowers

Mookatron · 04/03/2019 14:57

Either don't respond or say something like 'Wouldn't it be great if you could plan so precisely?! Hope DSS isn't put out, obviously we wouldn't have picked his birthday even if we could have. Lots of love to him.' thereby putting the focus back on DSS where it should be instead of on her, the loon.

Tattletale · 04/03/2019 15:10

My two siblings share a birthday, 3 years apart. They love it as it's something special that they share. It sounds like the ex is put out at the news of the new baby. I would probably ignore it if it was me (although I would be itching to text a scathing response!)

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 04/03/2019 15:17

What a nutter!

Congratulations Flowers

Grumpelstilskin · 04/03/2019 15:18

I would not respond either. There really is no point to escalate what is a stupid text. While, the ex does not need to know every detail of your life, your pregnancy is quite major news and it would have been a good idea to give her the heads up because it does affect her child. He’s at a funny age and it could have prompted some conflicting emotions. You’re the adult OP and will be a parent, you are going to have to rise above things.

youaremyrain · 04/03/2019 15:18

She's feeling worried for her son, that he'll be second best after your child is born (she's also losing her status as mother to DPs child)

This happened with us. ExDP already had an 8yr old DD.

I had pre eclampsia and had to have a crash c-section at 30 weeks, DS was born weighing 2lb 11oz and was in NICU, I was still critical in maternal ICU.

This happened on a Friday when ExDP was due to have his DD for the weekend. He told his ex that he was exhausted and needed to be at the hospital with DS and I as much as possible so having DD for the weekend would be difficult but he'd have her the next weekend and she was welcome to come to the hospital (in a different city to where she lived) to meet her brother and see her dad (and me) etc

We got a barrage of abuse from DDs mum about how he was a terrible parent who didn't care about his DD now DS was born (hours old and very poorly) and he was throwing her aside etc 🤔

youaremyrain · 04/03/2019 15:21

There's also the possibility that SDS feels the need to put a negative slant on things to his mum. Maybe she consciously or otherwise rewards him in some way for that because it's what she wants to hear

KurriKurri · 04/03/2019 15:23

what does it matter even if its born on his birthday plenty of people share the same birthday.

Well obviously it doesn;t matter int he big scheme of things or to most people. But we are talking about a 12 yr old boy who has been an only child effectively for all his life, and is now suddenly going to have a new sibling. so he has to get his head around sharing his Dad. Furtheer he has to get his head around possibly sharing his birthdya - he is maybe thinking 'Dad always takes me out on my birthday, now he'll probably be having a prty for the baby' or something along those lines that might o through ayoung boys head.
Of course we don't know - it might just be his mum sounding off, it might be that he made a good job of seeming pleased at the time but actually has taken it a little more to heart. Chances are baby won't be born on his birthday. Chances are even if baby does arrive on birthday he will get used to the idea and may come to enoy it.
But thats in the future - this is now, and he has only just found out. He needs time.

I doubt the x is jealous - exes are always accused of jealousy but we don't know how the marriage ended, it may have been her choice she may well be perfectly happy with her life but just concerned for her child. it's been 12 years - I'm sure if she was consumed by jealousy of OP and her XH she'd have been a lot more awkward by now. But she has facilitated the step mother/step child relationship on the whole.

We are all protective of our children when we think they might get hurt or they are upset. and as others have said - she might be a bit peeved that she wasn;t given a heads up that her son would be receiving some effectively life changing (albeit lovely) news.

PregnantSea · 04/03/2019 15:50

I think she's jealous that you're having a baby.

Does she fly off the handle about other things?

Karigan195 · 04/03/2019 15:59

Just type a calm response that she knows full well you can’t exactly time ovulation and that you presume it’ll be a natural birth so can’t be guessed when within quite a few weeks range.

She’s probably just doing a knee jerk reaction to some residual hurt.

sagradafamiliar · 04/03/2019 16:21

Ignore. There are so many witty comebacks or measured replies to choose from but you'll never look back and regret just ignoring. Radio silence. Act like she never said anything and engage with her more sane conversations only.

AutumnCrow · 04/03/2019 16:32

Please don't tell her to 'grow up'. That's not going to help your DP's and her 12 year old son in the slightest.

I agree with pps that the son has said something to her he hasn't said to you, and she's become protective.

reallybadidea · 04/03/2019 16:38

Maybe, just maybe, she's concerned that your partner (and you) will be less involved with his first child when the new baby arrives. It does happen sometimes, so I could understand it if she was worried about it.

I would bear that in mind when making any reply.

DarlingNikita · 04/03/2019 16:58

I could understand it if she was worried about it.

Yeah, me too.

What I can't understand is why she thinks texting someone 'What the actual fuck?? Are you two for real?' is acceptable. Rude twunt.

PIVOTT · 04/03/2019 17:01

Yeah, but she can be worried without being a nob though.

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